Falling Into Infinity

by Layne Harper

  His semen was running down the inside of my thighs and on to my sheets. I was completely paralyzed. I didn’t know that he had these kind of feelings for me. Feelings that made him behave this way. He said that he loved me.

  “To answer your question, I need you and football. I hope that you would never make me choose. However, after my football career is over, I would love nothing more than to devote my life to supporting you and our kids. I don’t think that you can say the same for me.”

  I went into ugly cry mode because I knew that he was right. He just hit a spot inside of my heart that was very, very tender. I knew that my parents’ divorce had scarred me far deeper than I’d admitted to him.

  “I’m leaving. Call me when you can’t breathe without thinking about me because that’s the way that I deserve to be wanted.” He then turned on his heels and walked out my door.

  I cried so hard that my body was shaking as I heard the front door of my apartment slam. The only man that I had ever truly loved had just walked out of my life.

  I grabbed my phone and quickly texted Aiden.

  Me: Colin is really angry at me and just stormed out. Please keep him from drinking.

  Aiden: Shit, Charlie. I’m sorry. Rach is headed to you. I’ll find him.

  Me: He’s so angry at me. Please tell him that I love him and let me know that he’s okay.

  Aiden: Sure thing. Hang in there.

  I laid there for an eternity convinced that I would die of a broken heart and not being able to control my tears. My best friend and angel soon had me wrapped in her arms. She rocked me like a baby.

  At some point, I realized that I was still naked.

  Later, I became conscious of Rachael helping me into my pajamas.

  I kept trying to breathe, but I couldn’t seem to take a breath.

  I heard the trill from my phone telling me that I had a text. I think that I mumbled for Rachael to check.

  She read it to me. It was from Aiden. “I’m with Colin. He is not drinking. I’m taking care of him.”

  I think that I said something, but I don’t remember.

  At some point, I knew that there was sun coming in my windows. I tried to sit up, but my head immediately screamed at me. I fell back down. Rachael stirred next to me.

  “Hi, honey. How are you feeling?” she said while she stroked my head.

  “I have a migraine. Please close the curtains,” I groaned.

  “You haven’t had one in a really long time. What can I get you?” she asked concernedly. “Please call my dad and ask him to call in my medicine. Don’t tell him why,” I instructed her.

  Just her rising from the bed made me nauseous.

  She came back a few minutes later and said that the prescription would be ready in thirty minutes. She handed me a cold cloth that I put on my head.

  “Your dad said that this will help until I can get your prescription. He also said that he loves you and to call him when you are feeling better,” she reported.

  I grunted thanks.

  “Aiden called last night and said that Colin is devastated. I’m not sure what happened, but Charlie, he is crazy about you,” she continued.

  “He is, Rachael. He doesn’t think that I am in love with him,” I responded with no more than a whisper.

  “You need to talk to him, Charlie. You need to make him understand that you guys have very different perspectives on relationships. I know that his perfect family dynamic can be intimidating.”

  I knew that she was right, but I couldn’t think about anything right then except keeping my stomach contents down.

  She left me to grab my medicine and Gatorade. This was not the first migraine that my best friend had nursed me through.

  Like the angel that she was, she helped me sit up enough to take the pills and wash them down with Gatorade. The question was would they stay down. The last time that I’d had one of these, we wound up in the ER with me getting a shot because I couldn’t keep the pain medicine down.

  Fortunately, she had the garbage can ready because I vomited everything in my stomach. My wonderful friend stood there with a garbage can until I was done. God bless her because I couldn’t have gotten out of bed.

  At least I was able to keep the medicine down the second round.

  “Charlie, I am going to close your door and keep the apartment as quiet as possible. Call me if you need me,” she said as she kissed my cheek. “I love you. You and Colin are made for each other. You guys will figure this out.”

  I wished I could be as sure.

  February, Senior Year

  “HEY, CHARLIE. I need to call Mark now since I was bit distracted earlier,” he said, giving me his half smile that he saves only for me.

  “Oh my! Whatever happened to distract you?” I asked, doing my best Scarlett O’Hara impression.

  He threw his head back and laughed. “Oh Charlie! You are my funny, beautiful girl.”

  We were back on the road and heading to the fortress in the sky.

  “Fine. Go ahead if you must,” I pouted. I knew that as soon as he talked to Mark, my lighthearted fun Colin would disappear. I was too tired to perform any more fellatio so I was going to have to deal with his bad mood.

  When I heard him say hello to Mark, I pulled out my smart phone and checked my calendar. Shit! I was supposed to meet with my advisor tomorrow about Harvard. My plan to ignore my life altering decision was not really working out for me all that well.

  Colin had been too preoccupied to notice, but I had been exercising a lot more. I was trying to offset my potential weight loss by drinking smoothies in between meals, and purchasing Doritos and Gummy Bears. Exercising was the only time when I could have my head absolutely silent so I could concentrate on a problem and work through it until I had a solution. Running was either a mental break or problem solving time. I had considered calling my dad and asking for some sort of antianxiety drug, but that made me feel weak. Plus, he would want to know what’s going on. If he found out that I might chose Colin over Harvard Medical School (his dream school that rejected him), he would be so disappointed in me and probably never forgive Colin. I could not let that happen. I was all alone with this decision.

  Sometimes I thought that I should tell Colin. I might be surprised, and he’d demand that I go to Harvard and marry him. However, I knew that that only happened in fairy tales. I knew my man well enough to know that just us being separated for the past year had killed him. I had classes to occupy my mind. He had football during the day, but at night, he would get lonely and anxious for me. On more than one occasion, he’d wanted to see me so badly that he drove to my apartment in College Station to spend a couple of hours with me before turning around and going back to Dallas. I teased him that that was the most ridiculous booty call ever. Fortunately, he could laugh at his addiction to me.

  There was a part of me that thought his level of dependence on me was not healthy. Then, I thought that maybe the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high if couples that didn’t feel this way didn’t get married. I thought about what would happen if I died? Could Colin cope without me? Was it okay that I knew I could live without him? Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t want to, and I wouldn’t be happy. Although I did know in my heart that his need for me was stronger than my need for him. If it weren’t, I would not even be considering Harvard.

  My heart was starting to race, and I felt nauseous. This was why I went for a run, swim, or bike ride. When I was exercising these thoughts would stay out of my head if I wanted them to, and I felt free.

  “What’s wrong, Charlie?” His conversation with Mark must have ended a while ago. “You are white-knuckling your phone.”

  I quickly tried to pull myself together. “I’m fine, baby. I just got lost in my own head.”

  “Is everything okay? You seem to be really distracted lately,” he asked me with clear concern in his voice.

  Shit! He noticed. I should have known by now that I couldn’t hide anything from him.

  �
��Only four more months and I graduate. I guess I’m getting a little nervous.” Not true, but it seemed plausible.

  He let out a gentle laugh. “Baby, your future is so bright. You’re going to agree to marry me. I’m going to buy you your dream home. You are going to go to medical school. Take lots of study breaks with me. I’m going to take Dallas to numerous championships. You’re going to set up your practice and treat all the players that my O line takes out. When my career is over, I’m going to devote my life to you, your practice, and our family. See! What’s there to be nervous about?”

  He made it sound so easy. Before my brain could even stop the words from exiting my mouth, I said, “What if I don’t go to medical school in Dallas?”

  The hand that was gently stroking my leg paused. “Why would you want to do that?” he asked, thoroughly confused.

  “I don’t know,” I lied. “You just have this wonderful little life planned out for us. I guess the pessimist in me just wonders what happens to us if one of those variables doesn’t come to fruition.”

  He started stoking my leg again. “Well, all you have to do is say you’ll marry me. That’s not hard. Money isn’t an issue for a home. You’ve already been accepted to medical school in Dallas. Sex has never seemed to be a problem for us. Our team is young and only getting better. We already made it to the playoffs. Championships don’t seem to be out of the picture. My offensive line smells blood. My life is already devoted to you. Looks like kids are the only variable, as you put it, in this equation. How many should we have?”

  “God, you make it sound so easy,” was my only reply.

  I reclined my seat and pretended to be asleep while I processed what he’d said. What’s wrong with me that I couldn’t be as sure about this plan as he was? He was adamant about making me his wife. Why didn’t I feel the same way about making him my husband? Maybe because my parents’ divorce had shown me how ugly marriage could be. He’d never had to witness a family being ripped apart. Then I started to wonder if I could ever marry anyone. Would I consider giving up Harvard if Colin and I could live together without getting married?

  I fell asleep pondering the idea of suggesting to Colin that we live together and worry about marriage after medical school. The thought brought me enough comfort that I was able to fall into a dreamless sleep which hadn’t happened in a long time.

  September, Junior Year

  IT HAD been five days since I had seen or heard from Colin. I knew from a very reliable source, Aiden, that Colin had thrown himself into football like a mad man. I was relieved that it wasn’t Jack Daniels. I had thought about calling him hundreds of times, but I didn’t know what to say. I knew that Colin was right. I had been very selfish.

  I had been in a constant debate with myself if I should go to the game. I knew in my heart that if I didn’t go that he would never speak to me again. I also knew that there was a part of me that thought that it was okay. I had never intended to fall in love until after medical school. God knows that I am living proof of what happens to medical school marriages. Maybe we were too young to feel this way about each other.

  I also knew that the last five days had been crushing. I was a zombie. I moved through life but was not present. I was so distracted that I couldn’t study. All I had done since I got over the migraine was exercise. I was not stupid. I knew that if I didn’t get that under control, my dad was going to have the eating disorder talk with me again. It’s easy to slip into old patterns.

  I had not told Colin about my past eating disorder, and I knew that if we had a future, he needed to hear some pretty shitty stuff about me. Sometimes I thought it was easier to just run or swim or bike.

  “Charlie, it’s time to get ready for the game,” Rachael pointed out. “Go in your room. Put on your short blue jean skirt, a cute Aggie T-shirt, and your cowgirl boots.”

  I nodded. I guess the decision was being made for me.

  I emerged forty-five minutes later looking like a homeless person. Everything hung on me. My hair was dull, but it looked awesome compared to my eyes.

  Rachael took one look at me and gasped. “When is the last time that you ate?”

  “You mean that I didn’t throw up?” was not the answer that she wanted.

  She walked me into the kitchen, where I managed to choke down a slice of cheese and a banana.

  She braided my hair, smeared makeup on my face and found me a shirt that was made to fit loose.

  “Caroline Jane Collins, so help me God, if you don’t start eating and quit this exercise schedule, I will call your parents,” she admonished me.

  I knew that she would. I promised to get my act together.

  Rachael and I took the bus to campus and met Aiden at the will-call ticket window.

  We arrived early enough that the players should still be warming up on the field.

  I was so nervous that I thought that I might lose what little was in my stomach.

  Rachael must have sensed my panic because she reached over and squeezed my hand. “Honey, if he didn’t want you here, he wouldn’t have left a ticket.”

  I let out the breath that I had been holding, hoping that she was right.

  As we walked to our seats I saw him. He was warming up with a trainer. It didn’t take more than a second for our eyes to lock together. His green to my lavender. He motioned to the trainer that he was heading my way. I walked to the cement railing.

  I’d really thought that I had my act together but as soon as he flashed me his half smile, I burst into tears. I reached down and hugged his neck. He was sweaty, and I just didn’t care.

  “Baby,” he soothed, hugging me back. “Will you marry me?”

  “Not today,” I said while I laughed through my tears.

  I whispered in his ear, “I’m sorry. You were right. I will start making you more important in my life. Every time I take a breath, I think about you. I love you. Good luck.”

  He stepped back and said, “Thank you for coming. I have missed you like crazy. Can we forgive each other and move on?”

  I nodded my head in agreement. “I would like nothing more. I’ve missed you too.”

  “Quit crying, baby,” he said as he wiped away my tears with his thumb. “I have a game to win.” He turned and ran back on the field to finish warming up.

  I headed back to Rachael and Aiden with a big smile on my face while I wiped up my tears. I was so glad that Rachael made me come. There was nowhere else that I would rather be.

  Rachael looked at me and said, “I think we have recruit tickets. These are amazing.”

  It made me feel good to share a treat with her. Her family had been so kind and generous to me over the years. I treasured the times when I could give her something that couldn’t be purchased with money. I also noticed that we weren’t sitting with Colin’s parents. I wondered if he had done that on purpose just in case I didn’t show up.

  The Yell Leaders were warming up the crowd. We did all the Aggie yells and then the starting players ran out on the field. Everyone yelled and clapped. The band played. Even I had to admit that it was a little fun.

  Then I saw him in uniform. Even though he had his helmet on, I could tell by his body that it was him. He was number 8; I noted that for future conversations. He ran to the sideline and pointed to me in the stands. I flashed him my best smile.

  Finally, the game got under way. We won the coin toss and opted to be on defense. I watched him on the sidelines. He was talking to the guys, his coaches. He was so in charge and serious. The defense didn’t allow the other team to get a first down so it was Colin’s turn to take the field.

  The stands went crazy when he walked on to the field. I was not sure if he heard the screaming fans because he didn’t acknowledge them.

  He took command of his team. He quickly passed the ball to a receiver and the Aggies picked up a first down. This pleased the crowd. The next play he faked a pass and handed the ball off. The player made it one yard past the line of scrimmage. On second down a
nd nine, he handed the ball off again. We picked up eight yards. It was third and one. I saw Colin dive over all of the guys trying to get that first down. My heart stopped for just a second. I didn’t like seeing the other team try to hurt him. Guys much bigger than him were trying to knock him back. Finally, the whistle blew and the players quit pushing. They brought out the chains… First down. The crowd went crazy.

  Colin got up and quickly got the team in a huddle. They formed up on the line of scrimmage. I saw Colin get the ball. He spotted his receiver. He let the ball go in a high spiral pass. The receiver caught it. He turned and ran it forty yards for a touchdown.

  The stadium went crazy. The band started playing. Everyone was kissing. When the Aggies score, everyone scores. It’s a tradition to kiss your date when the Aggies put points on the board. The team all congratulated Colin, the receiver, and each other.

  Colin looked at me in the stands and held up one finger. Was he pointing to heaven to thank God? I somehow knew that it was a message meant for me, but I had no clue what it meant.

  The next time the Aggies scored, he looked at me again and held up two fingers. I quickly got the message. That was the number of kisses I owed him after the game. Toward the end of the game, I got the distinct impression that he was purposely running up the score just so he could “score” more with me.

  The game was over. I owed him nine kisses. Somehow I thought those nine kisses would get turned in for one amazing night of make-up sex.