Falling Into Infinity

by Layne Harper

The Aggies won by a lot, and the players lined up and did the Aggie War Hymn along with the fans. Our eyes locked and we stared at each other the whole song.

  Rachael leaned over and said, “I think you guys could just throw down right here.”

  I smiled knowingly at her.

  After the fight song and school song were over, the players headed into the locker room. Rachael, Aiden, and I did quick check to make sure that we didn’t leave anything and made our way along with the throngs of people out of the stadium.

  I felt my phone vibrate while we were waiting for our bus. I dug it out my purse and saw that it was a text from Colin.

  Colin: You owe me nine kisses I’ll see you at your place when I am done here.

  I quickly texted back…

  Me: I’ll leave the light on for you…

  The game could not have gone any better. We had issues to work out, but at least we both seemed willing to try. My lifted spirits had improved my appetite. I had a fruit and cheese plate when we got home. Rachael gave me a smile when she saw that I was eating.

  I put my dishes away and took a shower to wash off the sweaty, sticky Texas humidity. I changed into a pair of shorts and a tank top, but when I saw my appearance, I knew that I needed to put on something baggier. Colin wasn’t blind, and he would freak out if he saw me. I opted for sweat pants and a baggy T-shirt. Certainly not a makeup sex outfit, but it did a nice of job of camouflaging my appearance.

  I picked up my abandoned MCAT study guides and dove in. I would take the test in mid-September. Most people take it three or four times so I was looking at this round as a practice. However, that didn’t mean that I didn’t want to kick its ass all over the place.

  Later, I heard a knock on the front door. Rachael was waiting for Aiden to pick her up so I assumed that it was him. To my surprise, I heard Colin’s voice in the living room talking to Rachael. I loved his voice. It was masculine and deep, but it was also good-humored. I really think that he could tell someone off, and they would thank him for bringing their faults to their attention.

  A few seconds later, he opened my door. He looked ravishing. His wavy hair was still damp from his shower and falling in clumps around his chiseled face. His nose, which had been broken in the past, was now slightly crooked. His full mouth drew into his famous half smile. I wanted to consume him.

  I moved my MCAT study paraphernalia to the side and ran to him. I jumped up to reach his mouth, and he caught me while I planted kisses all over his face. He walked us over to my bed and laid me down very gently as if I might break.

  I put my hands on either side of his face and kissed his mouth with all the passion and longing that I had missed the past week.

  “Did you miss me, baby?” he asked while kissing me.

  “Colin, please don’t ever leave me again,” I begged. “I love you. I’m sorry. I’ll do whatever you want me to do so you don’t walk away,” I said while I kissed his forehead and cheeks.

  He pulled away from me and looked into my eyes. “I love you baby and we need to talk, but right now, I want to be inside you. Is that okay?”

  I nodded my head yes, but I started to panic. The bedside lamp was on. I needed it to be dark so he wouldn’t see me. I scooted away from him to turn off the light. Fortunately, he didn’t question me.

  I reached for his pants and quickly took them off. I wanted to feel the erection that I knew was just for me. I made him this hard and long and throbbing. I needed to feel him inside me. I massaged his penis and listened while he moaned in pleasure for me.

  He made quick work of my shirt and sweat pants. When he tried to touch my breasts, I grabbed his hands and moved them so that he could feel how wet I was for him. He moaned in appreciation and started massaging my clit in the same rhythm that I was pumping him.

  He groaned, “I can’t take it anymore” and I felt the head of his erection at my opening. I reached around, grabbed his incredibly tight ass and shoved him inside.

  He found my lips and kissed me passionately while he slowly moved inside me. It felt like heaven and being home. I finally felt complete again. I didn’t realize how much I’d craved him.

  I ran my hands up and down his back until I couldn’t take it any longer. I needed my release. I needed for him to feel me pulse around him. I put my hands back on his behind and directed his hips to push harder. He gladly obliged.

  “Baby, you going to make me come,” he breathed.

  “I need you Colin. Please baby, I am so close,” I whispered back.

  With that, he pounded into me with four hard thrusts. I came with him. We held each other and basked in our love making. It felt glorious and perfect, but mostly it felt right.

  I could feel warmth and wetness running out of me. I loved it. I loved having proof that he needed me like I needed him.

  After a few minutes, I had to use the restroom. I got up and walked into the bathroom and flipped on the light.

  “Charlie, what the fuck is wrong with you!” he said with obvious shock and worry in his voice.

  Shit! Shit! Shit! I had forgotten. I quickly flipped off the lights and sat down on the toilet.

  “Nothing Colin. Why?” I asked, trying to keep my voice neutral.

  I should have known that this wasn’t going to fly.

  In an instant, the bathroom light was flipped back on. He was gloriously naked with a semi erection looking at me with horror on his face. “Privacy,” I yelled while I tried to hide my body with my hands.

  He pulled my hands down and stared at me with panic filled eyes. Here I was in the most vulnerable position ever, sitting naked on a toilet while he examined me from head to toe. Thankfully, I finished and stood up, not bothering to wash my hands and pushed past him to find my clothes.

  From behind me, I heard, “I asked you a question. What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. You?” he said pronouncing each word very clearly. “If you tell me nothing again, I am going to assume that you are a liar and walk out of this room.”

  Everything had been so perfect just minutes ago. I put my clothes on and collapsed in my red chair. He walked over and pulled up the matching ottoman, staring into my face. His huge arms were resting on his knees so he could better lean into the space that I was trying to maintain.

  I very quietly said, “When I was in high school, I had an eating disorder.”

  “Had?” he said with anger, sadness, and worry in his voice. “You look like a Goddamn cancer victim, Charlie.”

  His eyes were large and staring at me with panic. I had to make him understand. I hated that I’d made him this worried.

  “When I feel like that I don’t have control in my life, I sometimes slip back to my old ways. I’ve already started eating again, and I promised Rachael that I will cut back a ton on my exercising. Just give me a few weeks, and I’ll be okay again,” I pleaded.

  “All those hours in the car together and you didn’t think to mention this?” he said with obvious hurt in his voice.

  “I’m sorry. It’s not something that I like to talk about. It’s in my past,” I tried to explain.

  He let out a laugh. “Yeah. It’s obviously in your past. You did this because I left?” he said in horror.

  “Colin, it’s not something that I plan to do. I don’t sit down and say, ‘Today, I am going to run twenty miles, bike forty, and swim for two hours. Then, I am going to eat a hamburger in front of Rachael. Ha! Except, I know when she goes to bed, I will force it all back up.’ It’s a disease. I just do it until I feel in control,” I explained.

  “I’m sorry, Charlie,” he said, while he ran his hands through his hair in angst. “That came out wrong. I know that you didn’t do this to hurt me. I am just trying to understand. I’m worried about you. Do you need help again?” he asked much more sympathetically.

  “No, I don’t need help. I’ve done a great job managing my disease for almost five years. When I got out of treatment, they told me that there would be setbacks. I’m like a recovering alcoholic. I’ll alwa
ys have the tendency to over exercise. I’m not going to lie and tell you that when I eat a big meal, I don’t think about how good it would feel to shove a spoon down my throat and empty my stomach. However, I don’t act on it because I know that it’s not healthy.”

  He pulled me to him and gave me a hug. “I love you, Caroline. I never want to see you look like this again. Promise me that before you do this to yourself again, that you will talk to me. I’m in this relationship for forever. I want us one day to be Mr. and Doctor Colin McKinney. If you come to me, I will get you the best doctors that money can buy.”

  I nodded my head and crawled in his lap. He held me tight and kissed my head. I could feel his affection for me radiating off him.

  After what seemed like all night, he got up and carried me gently to the bed. He laid me down on my side of the bed as if I would break. He crawled over me and wrapped his huge body around me. I was cocooned in Colin. I liked how this felt, and I made a promise to myself that I would never do anything that would make Colin leave me again. I wanted to be wrapped in his arms forever.

  As we were falling asleep, I told him how sorry I was that I hadn’t shown more interest in football. I vowed that every day I would ask him about practice and learn more about what it meant to play professional ball. He had been so supportive of my studying, and I wanted to show him that I was just as supportive of his passion.

  February, Senior Year

  “WAKE UP, pretty girl,” he whispered in my ear.

  I turned over and scooted away from him.

  “I know that you’re sleepy, but we need to call your professors to see what can be done about your missing class,” he said.

  “Shit… I forgot,” I said as I flipped onto my back. God only knows what time we’d arrived in Dallas last night/this morning. I’d walked straight into his apartment and crawled in bed. I was still wearing my yoga pants and sweat shirt from last night.

  “I’m hoping that I can Skype into lectures. Isn’t the Internet great?” I said.

  He brought me my computer, cell phone and book bag and placed them around me. I looked at the clock. It was almost 10:00.

  “I guess I’ll have to go for a run later,” I mumbled to myself.

  “Speaking of that Charlie, I’ve noticed you exercising more. Anything that you want to talk about?” he asked with such genuine concern in his voice that it made me cringe.

  “Like I said last night or this morning or whenever it was, I am just a little nervous about graduating. I’m fine. I am eating. I am not making myself sick. I’ve just been exercising a little more. I promised you that if I was slipping back into old patterns I would ask for help. I’m okay,” I reassured him. What he didn’t know was that I might wreck his world in a few months. I might choose the path less taken and run off to Harvard. And changing the subject… “Anything about the guy that posted the comment?”

  “Yeah. It’s some dickhead out of California. He’s seems like an Internet fan of yours, but no one that would actually act on his threats. However, everyone still thinks that it’s a good idea if we hang here for a couple of days and just let the dust settle. There are three media outlets camped outside the College Station apartment,” he explained.

  “And who is everyone?” I inquired, knowing full well what the answer was going to be.

  “You know, Charlie… your parents, my parents, Mark, the attorneys, the police…”

  “Colin, what happens if I am in medical school and some freak threatens me? Are you going to keep me home from class?” I asked, trying to keep the hostility that I felt out of my voice.

  “Charlie, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. We’ll both make more of a conscious effort to stay out of the public eye.” He made it sound so easy.

  I worried about future patients snapping a photo of me and selling it to the tabloids. Ever since my introduction to the media, I had been extra careful. The stupid photo of me stretching was just an accident that made it online.

  “Fine, Colin. I will be your prisoner for a couple of days. However, I will be in class on Monday even if you have to hire me promised body guards,” I acquiesced.

  “Awesome! Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I get you all to myself. I don’t have to worry about Aiden or Rachael crashing my party. I’m going to make dinner reservations while you take care of your professors,” he said smugly. I had made him very happy.

  “Dude! You can’t make reservations for Valentine’s the day before. That’s a gigantic pile of fail. And what happened to my day of not getting out bed? I was promised mind blowing sex,” I yelled as he walked out of his massive bedroom.

  He paused at the door and turned around giving me his beautiful half smile. “Charlie, I am Colin. Fucking. McKinney. Your Statement. Do you really think that I can’t score a reservation? Take care of your professors, and you are mine the rest of the day.”

  I fell back down in bed. His bed was soft and very large. I had to admit that it was nicer than the two of us sharing my queen sized mattress. Other than his bed, I hated his apartment. It felt like a modern furniture showroom. It was cold and harsh. Colin hadn’t decorated it. He rented it fully furnished. That had been a huge argument. When Dallas drafted him, his starting position was not a guarantee. He wanted me to choose a McMansion in some Dallas suburb. I put my foot down. He could railroad me into a lot of things, but picking out his house when I was a junior in college was not one of them. Hell! I couldn’t legally buy alcohol, and he wanted me to pick out real estate.

  It took his dad, Mark, and me flat out refusing to look at homes to convince him that renting an apartment was the best idea. He chose a nice three bedroom, furnished apartment in a building with great amenities. The only thing that he insisted on buying was his bed.

  It had been such a fight over where he lived that I didn’t care if he chose the most expensive bed in the world. He could have it, if it would end that chapter of our lives. I was dragged to every mattress store in Dallas to try them out. I was finally put out of my misery when I asked Colin in front of the sales person if we could try it out (wink, wink) before we bought it. Colin said that we would take it and handed the guy his card.

  I grabbed my phone and sat up in his fabulous bed, fluffing pillows behind me. I knew it was time to begin making my phone calls. I hated this. What was I supposed to say, “Hi, this is Caroline Collins. I happen to be fucking Colin McKinney, and there is some guy who is ready to take his place in the bedroom department because the media thinks that we broke up. Therefore, I have been whisked away in the middle of the night to Colin’s apartment because his parents think that it is a good idea. Yes! I know that this is the last semester of my senior year, and I need your class to graduate. Care to make an exception for me and excuse my absences and let me Skype into your lectures?”

  This was so ridiculous. I flopped back down on the bed. I decided to start with my advisor. He was the easiest to reschedule.

  As I was ending my call, Colin walked back into his bedroom. “All taken care of?”

  “Not even close. Every time that I try to formulate what I am going to say to my professors, I sound like a spoiled brat. If I were my professors, I would ask me if I was going to pull this sort of stunt in medical school,” I explained. “Can’t I just say that I am sick?”

  “Charlie, say whatever you want. However, you have to remember that if you say that you’re sick, and we get photographed out together, they will know that you are lying,” he reasoned.

  I knew that he was right. I just hated how uncomfortable this portion of our life made me. If I went to Harvard, I could be anonymous again. The freedom to go for a run and not worry about someone snapping a picture, the ability to eat in public without being swarmed, right now, it sounded pretty damn good.

  “Let me think while I take a shower,” I said as I brushed past him to make my way into his palatial bathroom. I started the water and brushed my teeth while it warmed up.

  He followed me in and watched me with cau
tion. He knew that I was upset, but I think that he was clueless as to why or what to do about it.

  I decided to head him off at the pass. “There is nothing that you can say or do to fix this. This is the part of your life that I have always had a difficult time accepting. I don’t want to rehash old arguments. Let it go and just let me feel angry for a little while.” I stepped into the hot glass enclosed shower and felt the delicious warm water run down my body. His shower could do all sorts of fancy stuff. I just wanted a plain shower.

  He stood outside the glass of the shower. I was very thankful that the steam had fogged the glass so I felt less exposed. I silently begged him to leave me alone. I was feeling desperate, raw, and out of control. I lathered my hair with shampoo and massaged it in. He was still standing there watching me with a haunted look in his green eyes. I turned my back to him and rinsed the shampoo out.

  “Please don’t turn away from me. It makes me feel like you are rejecting me,” he quietly pleaded.

  Instead of his words making me want to embrace him, they made me want to run away. I felt like a caged animal.

  Without facing him, I said, “Colin, please give me some space.”

  I could feel him silently walk away. I finished my shower with the peace that I craved. I took an extra few minutes and shaved my legs. I had to admit to myself that for a few seconds there, I thought about how good that it would feel to make myself sick. My stomach would be empty and I would be in control of how I felt for once. Colin and his life didn’t control my emotions. I knew that these feelings were wrong. I just wanted to be in control of something.

  I got out of the shower and wrapped my hair in a towel and slipped another towel around my body. I prayed that he wasn’t in the bedroom. I needed to get my head on right. I put on my running shorts, T-shirt, and shoes. Colin had a gym in his building. I could go for a run. That would help me to feel more in control.

  Busted! He was sitting on the ultra-modern couch in the living room. “Where are you going?” Colin asked me.