Lost in Flight

by Neeny Boucher

  This always happened, especially where he was concerned. She’d go and do what she wanted without regard for the consequences, and then torture herself for her bad behavior afterwards, until it happened all over again. This time she didn’t have to berate herself. Bonnie was doing it for her.

  Christina went silent trying to collect her thoughts, but was constantly interrupted by Bonnie’s monologue. She decided to circumvent it. “Can we not talk about this anymore please? I get it – I’m an idiot, a moron, and all manner of things. I just want to move on.”

  Bonnie pursed her lips and reluctantly shut up. She’d known Dina forever and knew this was one of her coping strategies. So was humor. Bonnie grinned. “Did you two really say all that shit about his dick and blowjobs in front of Mrs. Gustafson?”

  “Yeah. We did. It was so embarrassing, but I kind of lost it.”

  Both women started giggling. Bonnie would love to have been a fly on the wall. “Are you okay, Dina?”

  Christina shrugged. “Sure. I’m fine.”

  It was only half a lie and both women knew it. Christina could analyze cases, art, literature, films, and basic human behavior, but when it came to self-scrutiny, especially with Riley, she blocked it out. She decided long ago that it was pointless.

  What would it change? And significantly, it hurt too much. It wasn’t that she didn’t feel. She did. She felt too much, carried too much weight and so, in her own self-defense, she moved on, focusing on anything else. It would take time to get over this, but she’d get there. She’d done it before.

  As Riley was arriving in Seattle, Christina and Bonnie were just entering Wenatchee. They were in Bonnie’s pride and joy: a 1980s, white, soft-top Porsche 911. Growing up watching Beverly Hills 90210, Bonnie had always wanted one and as she couldn’t get her hands on an exact Dylan McKay replica, she’d settled for this one instead. Christina didn’t really do car and driver, but she was seriously impressed, and a little bit nervous. Bonnie had threatened her with actual bodily harm if she did anything to her “baby.”

  Speaking of babies or potential babies, their top priority was to find a pharmacy. Bonnie had chewed Christina out for the last hour or so on her idiocy, and had insisted they stop in Wenatchee, rather than wait for Seattle. She took the morning after pill outside the first pharmacy they could find with a bottle of water.

  Bonnie said, “Good luck” and then they waited at a burger joint for an hour to see if any symptoms kicked in. When they didn’t, the two friends left, but not before they did a bad version of the Dougie outside the front doors that somehow turned into a worse attempt at Gangnam style, complete with “Heyyy sexy lady.” The two women then made their way to Seattle and freedom.

  “Dina, what if you are pregnant? Have you thought about what you’re going to do?”

  Christina pulled a face. “I don’t know, Bonnie. I honestly don’t know.”

  “Well, if you need anything,” Bonnie said sincerely, “I’ll help. Okay?”

  Christina nodded and smiled at her friend. She knew she could count on Bonnie for anything and vice versa. Politically, Christina had always been pro-choice, but she really didn’t think she could go through with it – not if it was her child - hers and his. At this stage she vested all her hope for an all clear. She was going to get herself checked out at the hospital tomorrow morning and now with Shanwick and him in the distance, she began to feel more relaxed.

  She called Johnny to tell him she’d left Shanwick, but avoided calling her father and had left him a note because she didn’t want to interrupt his dirty weekend. Actually, she didn’t want to think about dirty weekends in general. Johnny’s phone rang three times before he answered and she heard the smile in his voice when she said, “Broham.” Johnny was notoriously suspicious of cell phones and thought they were government plants for keeping tabs on people. Gabby liked to play with his head on this issue, but Christina was more understanding, even if she did think it was ridiculous.

  When she told Johnny she’d left Shanwick and was heading to Seattle with Bonnie, he didn’t say much, except that he’d be heading back to Seattle by the end of the week, and catch up with her then. He went mysterious, “I’ve got some news. Good news, and I’ll tell you about it when I see you.”

  Christina knew right then, a) his current girlfriend was probably pregnant and b) they were getting married. She feigned excitement and just before she ended the call, she heard Johnny say, “Did you have a good time on Friday?”

  “Um, why?” Christina gulped nervously. What did he know?

  “Oh you know – the girls’ night out surprise thing,” Johnny said.

  Breathing a sigh of relief, she enthused. “It was GREAT. Thanks so much for organizing it.”

  She heard Johnny laugh and with a “no worries and I’ll see you this weekend,” he ended the call.

  Christina sighed and looked at Bonnie. “More drama,” repeating the conversation.

  Looking at Christina mischievously Bonnie said with a grin. “Hey, you might make your Dad a double grandpa.”

  Christina glared at her. “That’s not funny” and then they both burst out laughing.

  Bonnie went silent for a bit before saying, “Have your family informed you of their plans about moving back to Seattle?”

  Christina blinked. “Um, yeah – sort of. Johnny told me he and the band are moving back – hopefully by the end of the year.”

  Bonnie nodded. “They are. We need to talk about some stuff okay? But first I want to talk about you and Riley.” When Christina went to interrupt her, Bonnie put her finger up saying, “Uh-uh. I’m serious. You two can’t keep doing this to each other. You fall into each other’s arms, or beds, or legs, or whatever. Then you go to war. It affects everyone and it’s time you quit it or find another way.”

  Pointing her index finger at Christina, Bonnie growled. “I mean it, Dina. No one says anything, but I’m going to.”

  Staring at Bonnie like she’d grown another head, Christina groaned. “My plan is to avoid him. I’ve managed it for the last five years, so when this is done I’ll go back to D.C. and do it again.”

  Bonnie rolled her eyes. “Don’t you think that’s a little immature, Dina? I mean you’re not teenagers or 20 year olds anymore. Can’t you… I don’t know, act like grown-ups about this?”

  “What about you?” Christina retorted. “You still think beating up people resolves everything.”

  “I do not,” Bonnie snapped, “and besides we’re talking about you, not me.”

  The women went silent for a bit and Christina folded her arms and stared out the window. “I was there, remember?” Bonnie said. “From the beginning to the end, and it never changes. I just thought you being a grown-up, professional, big-shot lawyer in D.C. no less, that you’d be able to cope better.”

  Christina sighed. “I’m not a big shot lawyer. I’m an associate – low down on the food chain and barely out of training wheels. And I hate to break it to you, Bonnie, but being a professional doesn’t make you an expert in every facet of your life. Some of the pettiest, immature, most dysfunctional people I know are professionals.”

  “Well, you’re in good company,” Bonnie snickered, but Christina didn’t find it funny, not at all. “You’re good at your job, right? Can’t you use some of those skills in your personal life?”

  “We once represented this guy who was a genius,” Christina muttered. “He worked at a prestigious university, which I won’t name for privacy reasons, and he was caught watching porn on his work computer. Against our advice, instead of throwing himself at the mercy of his bosses and colleagues, he tried to justify his actions. He really believed he was right. The last I heard of him, he was driving trucks for a living.”

  “And?” Bonnie frowned. “Your point is?”

  Christina sighed. “My point is that having an education just gives you a broader knowledge base and framework to rationalize your own shit. It doesn’t fix you.”

  “Have you ever tried to
deal with your own shit, Dina?” Bonnie asked.

  “I’ve roomed with a psychologist for years, Bonnie.” Christina huffed.

  “Meaning?” Bonnie pressed.

  “Meaning, no. No. I haven’t dealt with my own shit. I avoid it. If I don’t think about it, it’s not real.” Christina watched Bonnie grip the steering wheel tightly until her knuckles went white. They remained silent and when it became uncomfortable, Christina went to turn the radio on, but Bonnie stopped her.

  “I’m your person okay, Dina?” Bonnie said. “You know that and I know in comparison to the rest of your family, you probably feel quite normal, but you’re dragging so much baggage behind you that it must be weighing you down? Riley’s only part of it. You’re so strong and together, except when it comes to him and your family. Then, you’re like a little kid…”

  “Bonnie,” Christina warned, but Bonnie put her hand up to stop her.

  “Don’t Bonnie me, Dina,” Bonnie warned back. “Sometimes true words aren’t nice and nice words aren’t true. So let’s just have a look at the facts. I mean you look at facts in your job, right?”

  When Christina glared at her, Bonnie continued. “You got married as a teenager to make some point to your parents and then your mother died. And then you divorced your husband and people thought you’d killed him. And then you got attacked in town and then you ran away to college because of some promise you made to your mother.”

  Bonnie sighed and clenched her jaw. She turned to look at Christina for so long, that Christina got worried they’d have an accident. She pointed meaningfully at Bonnie who rolled her eyes.

  “You keep hooking up with your ex,” Bonnie growled. “Who is no good for you and you ruin all your other relationships. Your brother is a rock star, ex-junky, and didn’t speak to you for years, even after you saved his ass. Your sister nearly got herself killed protesting and you’re the first one they call to bail them out. I mean come on, Dina. How much can you carry until you go full-crazy?”

  Hearing that out loud, Christina decided Bonnie had a point. In fact, she had several. “Bonnie, you know me better than just about anyone else and I know it’s acceptable in some circles to confess all your deepest, darkest feelings as some kind of bonding exercise, but I’m not like that. I just don’t feel the need. My life in D.C. is quiet. I don’t act this way anywhere else or with anyone else.”

  Bonnie snorted. “Oh, right. Don’t you work all the time there, Dina, never socialize, and have like three friends? Is this the life you pictured for yourself? At nearly 28?”

  Ouch. The worst part of Bonnie’s statement was that it was true. Christina rubbed her face in her hands and tried to hold back tears. Her life was a tragedy, with sporadic comedic moments.

  “I want my friend back, Dina,” Bonnie said. “Over the years, I’ve watched you retreat into yourself until I hardly recognize you. You were the funniest, craziest person I ever knew. Now you creep through life, afraid to take any risks, like your life is already over. I want the girl back - the one who wasn’t afraid of anything or anyone.”

  Christina sighed, but her mouth quirked at the corners. “What I did on the weekend was pretty risky. You know… the whole unprotected hate sex stuff and almost alcohol poisoning.”

  Bonnie rolled her eyes. “So not funny… I just want you to be happy.”

  Christina laughed louder than she intended. “Happiness and I are not good friends, Bonnie. Whenever I’ve been happy, my world falls apart. So, I’m all keep calm and aim for numb.”

  “Pussy,” Bonnie quipped, making the both of them laugh. “If it makes you feel any better, you’re not the only one that acts this way. Riley does too. When it comes to each other, you’re both like nasty children. He passes for normal, except about you. Then he’s a mean, horrible, and vindictive little bitch.”

  In a strange way, Christina felt some satisfaction and comfort in the knowledge that she wasn’t the only one that reverted to an imbecilic child in this weird relationship they had going on. “I can’t talk to him, Bonnie. If that’s what you’re asking – I can’t do it.”

  “No,” Bonnie snapped. “You won’t do it and that’s different.”

  Christina laughed without mirth. “I used to tell him everything. Now, we can’t have a conversation without acrimony or bitter recrimination. It doesn’t leave the communication channels open for healthy discussion.”

  Bonnie sighed. “But you still go sleep with him right? And then fight for the whole neighborhood to see. I worry about you, Dina. I really do. I just hate seeing you open yourself up to this type of pain. It’s masochistic and unhealthy.”

  “I thought you said you didn’t care if I slept with him,” Christina queried.

  Bonnie laughed. “I lied and I don’t care about Riley. I care about you, which brings me to the other stuff.” Bonnie paused for a bit and then burst out quickly. “I don’t know if your little avoidance/denial thing is going to work anymore.”

  Christina had a bad feeling about this and with some trepidation asked, “Why?”

  Bonnie pulled a face. “I’m not sure if I should tell you this, but I’m going to and please – do not tell anyone else, because it will cost me okay?” When Christina agreed, Bonnie said quietly, “Riley is buying a large property in Seattle. He’s going to build a place and move back here.”

  Christina failed to see what that had to do with her or how any of it was her business. Bonnie pursed her lips and scrunched her face up. “He’s going in with Johnny, your father, and um, Mandy, and Dave.”

  “WHAT?” Christina felt like she’d been punched in the solar plexus. “None of them told me,” she spluttered. “NOT ONE. I was with them for two weeks and they didn’t say a thing.” She sat there fuming. “Oh-my-god. They talked about guitarists, records, bands, superheroes, even boobs, but they didn’t say one effing thing about this.”

  Bonnie stared at her quizzically. “Boobs?”

  Christina waved her question away. “It’s irrelevant.” Why, why, would they do this and not tell her?

  Giving Christina a sideways look, Bonnie sighed. “It’s quite a recent development. Mandy never got the chance to tell you. I don’t know why the others haven’t, but Riley asked me to start checking out potential properties last week. It’s not a definite yet.”

  Her eyes were huge as she turned to Bonnie snapping. “WHAT?”

  A sheepish Bonnie nodded. “Yeah – he’s asked me to act as the agent for them and I’m telling you, Dina, with the economy the way it is, this is a big deal for me. They plan on building a housing complex, with a recording studio and everything.”

  Christina felt sick and more than a little betrayed, not by Bonnie, but with her family. It shouldn’t have been left to Bonnie to tell her. Someone – one of her family members – should have told her. They’d had plenty of time, but hadn’t. Probably because they knew she’d get upset. Heaven forbid!

  “I’m pretty sure it’s got everything to do with Gabby where your Dad and Johnny are concerned,” Bonnie said. “Johnny wants to be based here and so do Mandy and Dave. Mandy’s father is sick and she wants to be in the same state as her parents, not on the other side of the country. I don’t know why Riley is in on it. He didn’t elaborate when I got the call and I didn’t ask.”

  Christina’s eyes filled with tears and she started to snivel. She didn’t know if it was the extra hormones in her system, the drama of the weekend, or life in general. Bonnie was horrified. “Don’t cry, Dina. Come on. We – we – we can work this through. There must be a reasonable explanation for this.”

  When Christina stayed silently crying, Bonnie groaned. “Say it, Dina. Get it off your chest. It’s me. I’m your best friend. I’m sick of you keeping everything locked away until it explodes out. Say it.”

  “I can’t,” Christina cried. “I can’t. If I say it out loud, it makes it real.”

  “You have no problem screaming at Riley. Do you? I want you to take a deep breath and let it out to me. To me,
Dina” Bonnie growled.

  “It’s selfish.”

  “So what?” Bonnie laughed. “What’s wrong with being a little selfish? If you don’t put yourself first sometimes, no one else will.”

  “You know they choose him over me – all the time,” Christina sniffed. “It’s like I’m only part of this family nominally and they don’t care how I feel about – about anything. They didn’t even ask my opinion. They say they want us to be close again and then they do stuff like this.”

  Bonnie grinned. “That’s better, but you know that’s not true, right? Your family loves you.”

  Christina shook her head. “Love – yes? But it’s like I’m the classic, ignored, middle child.”

  Bonnie couldn’t help herself and giggled, “Ignore? You? Do you remember yourself as a teenager, Dina? You were impossible to ignore. By the way, tissues in the glove box.”

  Christina laughed a little. “I mean – my ex-husband? They’re going to build houses and live with my ex-husband. This is unbelievable.”

  Bonnie agreed, but the Martins had always been a weird tribe. Christina might have been rebellious with a side order of crazy, but apart from the Riley factor, she was solid and lived in the real world. She took after her mother that way, but her family’s continued relationship with Riley was strange to Bonnie. She would never put up with it.

  They were silent for a bit and then Bonnie replied. “Maybe you need to tell them how you feel. Come on, Dina. Stand your ground.”

  Christina snorted. “What would it change? I don’t think Dad or Johnny would get it. Johnny would do his passive aggressive thing and Dad would strum his guitar, thinking a family harmony would fix it. ”

  Bonnie had to press her lips together because she could picture it and it was funny, but hell horrible too. “You could try, Dina…”

  “If we’re really being honest, Bonnie,” Christina confessed, “I’m too scared to ask them the question of who they’d choose between, me and Riley. I’m not sure I want the answer because I can’t guarantee it.” The thought scared her. It was one thing to be distant from your family by choice, but it was quite another to have them reject you for your ex-husband.