Mike Befeler Paul Jacobson Geezer-lit Mystery Series E-Book Box Set: Retirement Homes Are Murder, Living with Your Kids Is Murder, Senior Moments Are Murder, Cruising in Your Eighties Is Murder

by Mike Befeler

  She chuckled. “Yes. Earlier in the evening I had been in Gladys’ cabin. She and I take different medicine, and we had emptied the contents of our purses to find a missing ring. In the process we accidentally switched our medication.”

  “Okay, lady,” Zarins said. “You’re a wacko. I see that, but your nephew and niece are still suspects in the death of my daughter.”

  “I can assure you that they had nothing to do with that sordid matter,” Ellen said.

  “Yeah, Mr. Zarins,” I said. “If you quit waving that gun at everyone, I’ll explain who I think killed your daughter.”

  Before I could say anything else, Julian Armour came charging up the path. Oblivious to everyone else, he grabbed my collar, “I’ve had enough of you and your meddlesome ways.”

  “This isn’t a good time to renew our argument, Julian.”

  Out of the corner of my eye I saw Zarins point his gun at Julian.

  I knocked Julian over as a shot rang out. I fell on top of him as chips of paving stone sprayed around us.

  As I lay on top of Julian, I turned my head to see that all hell had broken loose. Ellen whacked the gun out of Zarins’s hand with her cane. Valdis let go of Gina to try to retrieve the gun. Gina kneed Valdis in the crotch, and he dropped the knife and collapsed to the ground.

  At that moment Grudion jumped out of the bushes and picked up the gun and knife.

  I helped Julian up, and we all stood there like a bunch of cattle that had been zapped by a prod.

  “Yah, what’s going on here?” Grudion asked.

  Everyone began speaking at the same time and pointing at each other.

  “Quiet,” Grudion roared.

  “Let’s start with Mr. Jacobson, because he always has such interesting stories.”

  “It’s all very simple. Mr. Zarins is trying to find the murderer of his daughter, Inese. Because of some bad advice I gave him, he thought Gina and Gary Hargrave had killed Inese. Not the case. Then Ellen Hargrave disappeared, and we thought someone had thrown her overboard.”

  “Like the two times you knocked her down, Mr. Jacobson?”

  “Those were both accidents.”

  Gary cleared his throat. “Actually, at the salmon hatchery it wasn’t an accident.”

  “What?” I said.

  “I pushed you,” Gary said. “After you knocked Aunt Ellen down during the lifeboat drill, I thought you were out to get her. So when I saw you on the tour at the hatchery, I thought a little payback was in order. Unfortunately, when I shoved you, the result was that you bumped into my aunt.”

  I shook my head. “See, Mr. Grudion, I’m not the criminal you always suspected.”

  “Go on with your account, Mr. Jacobson,” Grudion said with a disgusted look on his face.

  “It turns out that nothing had happened to Mrs. Hargrave other than she went into hiding to see how Gary and Gina would react to her disappearance.”

  Grudion scratched his head.

  “Let me put it in plain Swedish for you, Mr. Grudion. Ellen faked her disappearance to see if Gary and Gina were money-grubbing inheritance-seekers, which they aren’t.”

  “And who is he?” Grudion said, pointing to Valdis.

  “He’s Mr. Zarins’s associate, who’s very handy with cutlery.” I put my arm around Julian’s shoulder. “And this is Julian Armour, another of your paying customers. He and I have had some disagreements in the past, but our relationship is on the mend.”

  Julian’s head nodded up and down.

  Zarins stepped forward and pointed at Grudion. “And Mr. Jacobson was going to tell us who killed my daughter before you rudely interrupted our gathering.”

  “I’d say everyone was a little out of control when I arrived. Go ahead, Mr. Jacobson. Who killed Inese?”

  “Well, since you’re all so interested,” I said. “I suspect that the murder happened in the spa with a hot stone and it wasn’t Colonel Mustard or Mrs. Plum, but . . . Erik.”

  The leaves parted and Erik oozed out of the undergrowth like a giant slug. He pointed a gun at Grudion’s head. “Very good, Mr. Jacobson. Now, Mr. Grudion, please drop your weapon and raise your hands.”

  Chapter 23

  The gun in Grudion’s hand clattered to the cobblestones.

  “Grab the gun,” Zarins said to Valdis.

  “Be happy to,” Valdis said as he picked up the weapon from the path.

  “Shoot Erik,” Zarins ordered.

  Instead, Valdis strolled over beside Erik and pointed the gun at Zarins.

  “What the hell’s going on?” Zarins shouted.

  “It’s this way,” Valdis said. “Erik and I are taking over your operation, Mr. Zarins.”

  “You can’t do that.”

  “We already have,” Erik said.

  I pointed to Erik. “You killed Inese in order to lure Mr. Zarins out of Latvia.”

  “Very insightful, Mr. Jacobson. We knew that Mr. Zarins wouldn’t leave his home base unless there was an emergency. I provided that emergency through the death of his daughter.”

  “You swine,” Zarins said. “You were hired to protect and watch over my daughter.”

  Erik shrugged. “Sometimes plans change. Valdis and I figured that once you were in the Americas we’d find a way to get rid of you and then return to run the business in Latvia.”

  “Why you conniving crooks,” Zarins said, as spittle shot out of the sides of his mouth.

  “No,” Erik said. “We’re entrepreneurs doing a hostile takeover. Now I’m going to ask all of you to lie on the ground while we take Mr. Zarins for a one-way seaplane ride.”

  I looked around the group. Marion and I stood closest to Erik and Valdis. I noticed Marion had her hand in her purse.

  Suddenly, a whistle blew, and all heads turned toward the sound as a member of the Royal Canadian Mounties, resplendent in Red Serge tunic, brown wide-brimmed Stetson, midnight blue riding breaches with a yellow stripe down the side, brass buttons and white halyard connected to a brown leather holster on a brown Sam Browne belt, came bounding toward us. Valdis pointed his gun toward the advancing Sergeant Preston of the Yukon, but Marion was faster. She had extracted her perfume and dispatched a full blast in the faces of both Valdis and Erik.

  They screamed, dropping their weapons. Then all Hades broke lose again. Zarins bolted, knocking both Valdis and Erik over as he charged the police officer. Valdis’s flailing arms bumped into a pagoda sculpture, collapsing it onto Erik’s stomach. The policeman blew his whistle again, but Zarins head-butted him. It was as if the irrepressible force met the immovable object. Zarins’s head seemed to disappear into the man’s stomach as both crashed into a red wooden bridge, destroying it in a shower of splinters.

  Grudion raced over to pick up one of the guns just as Gary did the same. Their heads collided with a resounding “bonk” and Gary ricocheted off, crushing a bed of yellow flowers. Grudion rebounded, knocking Julian over, and came to rest in a bed of ferns. Julian crashed into a young tree, squashing it. Gina tried to run over to help Gary, but tripped over Ellen’s cane, fell and knocked Ellen down in a pile of writhing limbs that splashed into the gurgling brook. Valdis seemed to recover from the perfume spray and scooted on hands and knees toward one of the guns.

  “Stop him,” I shouted, but no one was near or in a condition to do anything.

  Valdis’s hand reached out to grab the pistol when out of the bushes flew an immense form bellowing out a war cry. The huge body crashed right down on Valdis who let out a loud “Whoomp” and lay motionless. Kimo sat there on top of him with a big grin covering his face.

  “Kimo to the rescue, bruddah,” my large friend announced.

  “Way to go,” I said.

  The gun still lay on the ground unattended. I noticed Erik regaining control, and then he lunged for the pistol. Kimo was still preoccupied with holding Valdis down and didn’t notice.

  “Don’t let Erik reach the gun,” I shouted.

  I was too far away to do anything, not that I
could have stopped him anyway.

  Erik’s fingers stretched for the gun when another form leaped out of the bushes, and Haddie bashed into Erik, sending him sprawling. She proceeded to plunk down on his skinny body with success equal to Kimo’s move.

  I surveyed the scene. Marion and I were the only ones left standing. Then more police appeared, this time in dark blue uniforms, blowing whistles, and I thought I was back in the spa jungle with the world’s largest parakeets.

  “Just in the nick of time,” I said to one beefy young officer who approached me.

  Rather than welcoming me with open arms, he grabbed my hands and cuffed me.

  “What the . . . I’m one of the good guys.”

  He wasn’t convinced, and I watched as Marion experienced the same indignity. The swarming mob of police plus the one in the Mounties outfit proceeded to cuff all the tangled mass of people.

  Before you could say “eh,” we were all being led out of the Japanese garden. I looked back one last time at the carnage. All the flowers and decorations were crushed flatter than the mats after a Grand Sumo tournament.

  I asked the officer who was accompanying Marion and me, “How come only one of you is dressed in the red uniform?”

  “He was here for a ceremony at Butchart Gardens. Those uniforms are only used for special occasions. He happened to be the first to respond to the report of a disturbance in the Japanese Garden.”

  “Yeah, we caused a disturbance all right. You’ve captured a murderer and two international criminals along with all of us innocent bystanders.”

  “We’ll see who’s innocent,” he said, directing me forward.

  We passed a star-shaped pond, but had no opportunity to admire it. Marion and I shuffled along side-by-side with our personal attendant right behind. We entered another garden area where other tourists turned to gawk at our procession. As I stumbled forward, I bumped into Kimo who was being led by another police officer. He had a huge grin on his face. “Hey, bruddah. That was more fun than ti leaf sliding in Iao Valley.”

  I didn’t know what he was talking about, but I was glad someone found the events entertaining. “Thanks for helping us, Kimo. I’m sorry you’re being carted away by the police.”

  “No problem. This the best part of the whole trip so far.”

  Then I noticed Andrew and Helen with their mouths hanging open. I was too far away to say anything, but I would have waved to them except my hands were constrained.

  “It’s the Italian Garden,” Marion said. “I really wanted to see this one.”

  “Take a quick look, because I have a hunch we won’t see it again.”

  I admired a cherub statue with water spurting out of a gourd held in its arms. It was embedded in the middle of a pond containing tall papyrus grass, lily pads and pink flowers. In the background a white lattice structure supported emerald green-leafed plants with red flowers.

  I turned toward Marion as best as I could. “That perfume of yours sure did the trick.”

  “Yes. I had never tested it before. Now I know how effective it is.”

  “I’ll remember to bring you and your weapon along any time I have another encounter with the criminal element.”

  “Paul, I think it’s time for you to retire from this sort of activity.”

  Our taskmaster continued moving us forward as we approached the parking lot.

  “Hey, I didn’t get my money’s worth,” I said to my armed guard. “I never visited the Mediterranean Garden.”

  My comment was answered by a shove, and I stumbled forward.

  In the parking area a fleet of police vehicles awaited us. We were not too gently ushered into the back seat, and I plunked my butt down on one side with Marion on the other side, fortunate to have ended up in the same car with my bride.

  “You have to give credit to the Canadian police,” I said. “They sure are efficient. They wiped us up like snot on a little kid’s face.”

  “I would have liked to see a little more of Butchart Gardens,” Marion said.

  “Maybe we can take another Alaskan cruise next summer. I still need to spot a whale.”

  “I don’t know. We may want to find a calmer trip next time.”

  We were driven into Victoria but had no chance to admire the Empress Hotel again. For some reason the driver didn’t seem inclined to give us a running commentary like the bus driver had. Instead, we arrived in front of a dull brown building and were led inside. My handcuffs were removed and I had a chance to donate fingerprints. Then I was locked up in the hoosegow. I had a small cell all to my lonesome. On one side of me was Julian Armour and on the other Erik.

  I hung onto the bars and wondered how long I’d be incarcerated. This was turning out to be a heck of a way to end a honeymoon cruise.

  Then I saw Grudion out in the hallway talking with a police officer. Apparently, he had convinced the constabulary to keep him out of a jail cell. He held out his identification for the policeman to see, and then they engaged in an animated conversation. If Grudion succeeded in securing the release of his passengers, would he help spring me or would he decide to let me rot in jail? Time would tell.

  I turned my attention to Julian Armour. He sat on a cot with his head in his hands.

  “Hey, Julian,” I called.

  He looked up, startled. “Oh, Paul. I didn’t notice that you were next door.”

  “Yeah, looks like we’ll be neighbors for a while. I want to apologize again for the encounters we’ve had. I intended no harm.”

  He let out a deep sigh. “I realize that now. I got a little carried away. When I spotted you in the Japanese Garden, I saw red, and all my anger bubbled to the surface.”

  “I know how that is. I have a reputation for mouthing off.”

  He smiled. “And I owe you thanks for knocking me down when that maniac tried to shoot me.”

  I shrugged. “I’m sure you would have done the same for me.”

  Julian stood up and came over toward my cell. “In fact, I’m thinking of making you an honorary member of the Oldsters from Reno.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yes. We’ve never had a member who lived elsewhere, but after I tell the guys what you did for me, I’m sure they’ll all support it.”

  “Well, Julian, I consider that quite an honor.”

  “How long do you think we’ll be in here?”

  “I saw Grudion speaking with the authorities. I hope he has enough clout to free some of us. As a passenger, you should be one of the first to go.”

  “What about you?”

  “Grudion has never been a member of my fan club, so I’m not holding my breath.”

  “I’ll put in a good word for you.” Then a look of panic came over his face. “My wife doesn’t know what happened. She’ll be searching all over the gardens for me.”

  “Maybe Grudion can find a way to get word to her.”

  His eyes brightened. “She has a cell phone but I forgot to bring one.”

  I rattled the bars and shouted, “Hey, we have a man here who needs to speak with his wife.”

  After a few moments a police officer ambled over.

  “Mr. Armour here needs to reach his wife. Can you arrange for him to make a call?”

  “You his social secretary?” the cop asked.

  “Just trying to be helpful.”

  Julian spoke to the policeman and after some pleading was handed a cell phone. I heard him speak to Betty and then he handed the phone back to the police officer.

  “I was right,” Julian said. “She was wandering all over the gardens trying to find me. I told her to go back to the ship on the bus and that I would hopefully meet her there.”

  I looked at my watch. It was 9:50. “I wonder how much time we have before the ship sails.”

  “We have to be aboard by eleven-thirty and the ship leaves at midnight,” Julian said.

  “Well, Grudion needs to get his butt in gear then.”

  I paced the cell. I was raring to leave this joint and
clear my name with Grudion. After all the crap he’d given me, I looked forward to resolution. I rubbed my hands together. Inese’s murder solved, the reappearance of Ellen Hargrave and even Julian Armour would probably no longer be my sworn enemy. Life was good, but I was still locked in this damn cell.

  Then an item I had read in my journal popped into my mis-wired brain: Ellen Hargrave’s long-lost niece. It wasn’t Inese, but it had to be someone else on the ship. If I could find that out, it would certainly help Ellen. She had gone to all the trouble of testing Gary and Gina. Now she only needed this one other item for closure.

  I wandered over to the other side of my cell to where Erik sat, a scowl on his face.

  “Cheer up,” I said. “I understand Canada doesn’t have a death penalty.”

  “Where I come from I probably would have just been taken out in the woods and shot.”

  “Where did you grow up?” I asked.

  “Estonia.”

  “How’d you hook up with the Zarins family?”

  “After the Soviet breakup, I spent some time in Latvia. Mr. Zarins recruited me.”

  “Something’s been bugging me. Why’d you kidnap my wife?”

  Erik gave a sardonic laugh. “You were causing me problems by asking questions and nosing around. I figured a little distraction would give me time to execute my plan to eliminate Zarins.”

  “Were you always planning to capture him in Buchart Gardens?”

  “No. Originally Valdis and I were going to do it in Ketchikan, but then Zarins decided to take you for the zodiac ride. That and I couldn’t get off the ship on Friday.”

  “And you didn’t show up for dinner that night.”

  “No. I had to stay out of the way for a while and prepare my plan to kidnap your wife this morning. I wanted you distracted so you wouldn’t cause me any trouble. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way.”

  “You can’t count on old poops. We have this way of stumbling into things and putting a spanner in the works.”

  He looked at me with his brow furrowed.

  Then I realized he didn’t understand the wording I’d used.

  “I messed up your plans.”

  He grimaced. “You can say that again. My only consolation is that they locked you up as well.”