Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  I am definitely having a party tonight; a pity party. Around midnight, Marissa says, “Let’s go. You’re hammered and going to feel like shit in the morning.”

  She’s right. I’m definitely drunk.

  “I’m going to feel like shit no matter what tomorrow. I’ll be hung-over, Julian is gone, and so are Luke and Brady.”

  The magnitude of the loss I feel at that moment overwhelms me and I have to take a few deep breaths to keep the tears at bay.

  I’m drunk but logical as usual. I know I should go home so I don’t argue and we all head out the door. Shannon and Cory parked nearby and agree to take Jenna and Lauren home. Marissa stays with me and we walk back to the hotel. It hurts more and more as I get closer. It’s as if my body and heart know that this isn’t my place anymore. My head is spinning and my feet are killing me by the time we get back to the car. I give Marissa the keys and get in the passenger’s seat. I roll down the window to get some fresh air because I feel like I’m going to throw up.

  I close my eyes as Marissa wends her way down the parking garage. I want to keep them closed because I don’t want to see Julian’s car but I get the spins when they’re closed. I open them slowly, and like a scene from a horror movie, Julian appears in the direct outline of my headlights. Holy fuck, he’s with a woman! They’re standing very close and leaning against his car talking. They’re on the passenger side, as if he’s about to open the door for her. His arm is around her and his hand is on the small of her back. Their lips are inches away from each other. I see the body language Julian exhibits when he’s sexually familiar with a woman and it makes my stomach heave. I’m barely able to stop from throwing up but I do. Julian looks up when the lights hit him and in that split second I see a look I know well. It’s his flirty, sexual, turned on look. He immediately notices it’s my car and instinctively steps back from the woman. The expression on his face turns panicked. We’re driving slowly in the garage and he takes a few steps toward us, as if he’s going to walk in front of the car.

  “Get out of here, Marissa. Now!” I yell at her and I know Julian hears me because he yells back.

  “Stop, Marissa!”

  She looks at me like she doesn’t know what to do. “Get the fuck out of this garage now, Mari.”

  She sees the look on my face and chooses me. She swerves around Julian and pushes down on the gas pedal. She flies out of the garage and makes a quick right onto Ocean Drive.

  I’m freaking out and can’t stop shaking.

  “He was with another woman, Mari. Three hours later and he was taking someone home. Oh my God. I’m a fucking idiot! I thought he loved me. Oh my God.”

  I’m sobbing now and can’t stop.

  Marissa always tries to paint a different picture for me but this time her attempt is lame and I can tell she doesn’t even believe the words that come out of her mouth.

  “You don’t know that, Lex. It could be a friend or a co-worker. They weren’t really doing anything.”

  I turn and look at her. “I know him. He’s fucked that girl and was about to go fuck her again tonight. I can read his body language. It’s the way he looks at me when he wants to fuck me. I’m so stupid. Luke was right.”

  “Stop it, Luke wasn’t right. I’ve seen Julian around you. He loves you. You know that.”

  “The only thing I know right now is that I need to throw-up, so get me home or we’re going to need to pull over.”

  I stick my head out the window and try to keep the alcohol and my broken heart inside my body. We’re lucky Marissa doesn’t get a ticket because she gets me home in record time. I run into the house and straight to the bathroom. Marissa sits in the bathroom with me and rubs my back as I sob and vomit and shake uncontrollably. She’s obviously scared to leave me alone.

  It wouldn’t be pleasant to describe the next thirty minutes but by the time I get up and move into my bedroom there’s nothing left inside of me. I take my clothes off and climb into bed in my bra and panties. I’m still shaking. She gets me a glass of water and tells me to get her if I need anything.

  I’m lying there in the dark trying to calm down when I hear Marissa’s voice outside my window. My room is in the front of the house, closest to the driveway. She has to know I can hear her.

  “You need to go home. She doesn’t want to see you.”

  He has come to find me. He sounds desperate.

  “Please let me in, Marissa. I need to see her. I need to explain.”

  “No. She’s in a very bad place right now. She had a horrible day, you guys broke up, she’s drunk, and she saw you with another woman. She’s been throwing up for the last thirty minutes and I’m freaking out because she can’t stop shaking. She’s had enough today.”

  “If she’s not okay, I really need to see her. She may have alcohol poisoning.”

  Marissa raises her voice and I can hear she’s pissed at him for me.

  “She doesn’t have alcohol poisoning. She has a damn broken heart. Leave it alone and go home. If she wants to talk to you she’ll call you.”

  “Yeah, right. I’ve been calling and texting her since she walked out of my office and she never answered. Broken heart my ass. She breaks up with me and goes dark thirty seconds later. It was so easy for her.”

  I feel guilty, like I’m eavesdropping. I roll over to get my phone off my dresser and realize I left it in my purse, which is probably in the car.

  “I’m not going to let you in and I’m not going to stand out here arguing with you all night either. I’ll tell you she left with us and didn’t even talk to a male besides the bartender and Cory. You, on the other hand, didn’t waste any time moving on.”

  “I didn’t do anything. It’s not like that.”

  “Julian, we don’t really know each other and I’ve been your biggest fan since the beginning, but even I saw the body language, and if nothing happened it was only because you saw us.”

  “Is that what Lexie thinks?”

  “Well, her exact words were, he has fucked that girl before and wants to fuck her again tonight. It’s the same way he looks at me when he wants to fuck me.”

  “Dios Mio, Marissa. Please let me see her. I swear I won’t hurt her. Please.”

  He’s begging now and for second I think Marissa is going to cave.

  “No. Go home. Seriously, it’s for your own good. If you talk to her now it’ll only get worse. I know Lexie. Trust me, she’s not in any condition to talk to you.”

  I hear the screen door open and shut behind Marissa.

  “Tell her I was here. Tell her to call me please.”

  “Okay, Julian. Goodnight.”

  I hear the door close and the locks turn. I also hear Julian’s car drive away.

  Marissa opens my door. Her voice is a whisper, “Lexie?”

  “I heard Marissa, thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. Do you need anything?”

  “No. I just need to sleep.”

  “He was freaking out.”

  “Good. I’m tired of being the only one.”

  “Try to sleep, okay.”

  She starts to shut the door.

  “Mari …”

  “Yes.”

  “I love you. You’re a great friend.”

  “Love you too.”

  As much as I wish I wasn’t feeling the effects of the alcohol I drank I’m thankful for it. It helps me sleep.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I’m so glad I took this weekend off. There’s no way I’d be able to make it through the day. Not only am I unable to lift my head off the pillow without wanting to scream but my stomach is in knots. I’m hung-over for sure, but I’m also broken hearted. Fuck me.

  I’d hoped I’d see things in a different light when I woke up this morning but I don’t. I can’t get over what I saw last night. I can say with relative confidence that Julian didn’t sleep with someone else last night. I say that only because he came right here after I saw him. But, he may as well have. He wanted to and the only thi
ng that stopped him was that I parked in his garage and happened to see it about to go down. My stomach turns over when the image flashes through my mind.

  I didn’t think we’d really broken up. I thought it was a fight and that we would make up today. I needed a break from all the emotional issues that were tugging at me and I couldn’t handle him being mad at me for something I didn’t do. I just wanted to spend a quiet night alone with him and this is how it all played out. I never in my wildest dreams thought he’d want to hook-up with someone.

  I lie in bed until close to ten. I don’t want to get out of bed but think I need to get something in my stomach. I hop in the shower in an attempt to wash away the pain from last night. I feel marginally better being clean but the soap and water don’t help erase the images that keep firing through my brain. I put on a pair of black sweat shorts and a pink hoodie and walk slowly to the kitchen. Marissa and Shannon are sitting at the table drinking coffee. I make a cup and join them.

  “How are you feeling this morning?” Shannon looks concerned and I know Marissa must have filled her in about last night.

  “Horrible.”

  I get up from the table and grab the bottle of Advil from the counter over the sink. I take three and sit back down.

  “I got your purse out of the car. Your phone is in it. You might want to check it. I’m sure Julian has been calling and you know he’ll show up here soon.”

  Marissa points to my purse on the counter.

  I know she’s right so I turn it on and brace myself. There are eleven text messages from Julian and five voicemails. I’m not sure I’m ready to read all of them, but I promised myself I’d stop avoiding things. I open the messages from Julian and start reading. They started right after I walked out of the hotel last night and stopped about twenty minutes ago.

  Julian: Please come back. We need to talk. (8:45 p.m.)

  Julian: I can’t believe you just walked away. (9:15 p.m.)

  Julian: This is bullshit. But typical you. Run when you can’t deal. (9:30 p.m.)

  Then there’s a voicemail. There were a lot of missed calls but only five messages. The first was at nine forty-five. Julian’s voice is a mixture of desperation and annoyance.

  “Lexie, answer your damn phone. I’m sorry I said what I did about you and Luke being meant to be together. You know I don’t feel like that. You’re meant to be with me. I was jealous. I’m sorry. Please call me back.”

  Julian: Are you really going to keep ignoring me? Grow up, Lexie. (10:30 p.m.)

  “Call me back please. I’ll stop calling and texting if we just talk for a few minutes. I can’t believe you’re this mad. How many times do I need to apologize? It was wrong of me to say anything. I was tired of hearing about Luke and was upset when Marissa told me he was there. I’m sorry, Lexie.” (11:00 p.m.)

  Julian: I’m done chasing you. Call me when you feel like talking. (11:09 p.m.)

  Julian: Maybe I’ll be inclined to listen. (11:10 p.m.)

  “Lexie, I need you to call me back. Are we seriously ending this?” (11:45 p.m.)

  Julian: Alexa, contesta el telefono. Carajo! Esto ya es ridículo. I just saw you. We need to talk. I’m coming to your house. (12:22 a.m.)

  Julian: I’m on my way to your house and I’m not leaving until we talk. I’m not kidding. (12:30 a.m.)

  “I just talked to Marissa. I’m so sorry. We need to talk. Por favor. Don’t do this. Let me explain. I didn’t do anything. You have to know that.” (1:24 a.m.)

  Julian: You’re making me fucking crazy, Lexie. Please talk to me. This is just a huge misunderstanding.” (2:27 p.m.)

  Julian: Are you up? Please call me. (8:30 a.m.)

  Julian: Yes, I’m begging you. (8:32 a.m.)

  “Okay, you win. I can’t do this. You’ve made your point. I’d appreciate it if you’d call me so we can talk. I think you owe me that. Te amo, Lexie.” (9:35 a.m.)

  On the last and final message he tells me he loves me. I find it a bit odd he waited until then. His messages are a mixture of emotions and it’s obvious Julian spun out of control last night. I know something about that and I feel a little guilty for letting this go on. I do owe him a conversation. I just don’t know what I’m going to say. My head isn’t clear. I still need time to decide what I’m going to do. I text him back.

  Alexa: Nobody is a winner here. This isn’t a game. If you want to talk come over later. 4

  Four is an arbitrary time but it gives me a few hours to get my thoughts together and it allows me to feel a little in control. He replies immediately.

  Julian: I’m coming now.

  Alexa: No. 4 or after that. I won’t talk before then so don’t show up.

  Julian: Fine. See you then.

  When I’m done with the texts I look up and see Marissa and Shannon are waiting to hear what he said. I almost forgot they were sitting here. I read them the messages and tell them what the voicemails say.

  “What are you going to do?” Shannon asks first.

  “Talk to him, I guess. Listen, and then end it for good.”

  Marissa chokes on her coffee. “C’mon, Lexie. Don’t do this. You’re over-reacting and someone needs to tell you that. He wasn’t with anyone.”

  I turn and look at her, then at Shannon.

  “I don’t expect you to understand. You both have men who only have eyes for you. Julian has a reputation for being a ladies’ man and I think he wants to change but he clearly hasn’t. We got in a fight and he was about to go home with someone else. I know it in my gut. He didn’t deny it last night either, Mari. I’ve tried really hard not to feel insecure but women really are constantly throwing themselves at him. That part is true. I have to hear about it at work and I see it when I’m at the hotel. It’s hard to deal with and I really don’t want to anymore. It’s bad timing with us and I need to focus on me now. Like Julian said, it’s too much work.”

  “He loves you. You know that. He made a mistake. Don’t do this. You’ll regret it. He’s the one for you, Lex. He is.” Shannon’s voice is pleading.

  “Thank you two. As usual you’re acting in my best interests, but I feel pretty sure this is the right thing to do.”

  I get up and put my mug in the sink. “I’m going to go get a manicure and pedicure. Do you want to go?”

  “I’ll go with you.” I can tell Marissa doesn’t want to leave me alone.

  Shannon declines. “I have plans; I’ll be back this evening. Are we still on for dinner with your parents tomorrow?”

  “Yes.” My parents are having a little birthday dinner party for me. Marissa and Shannon are coming over after work. They told me to invite Luke. I still haven’t told them we aren’t friends anymore because then I’d have to explain Julian. I haven’t told them about him either. Good thing I didn’t mention him.

  I change into a pair of jean shorts, a red and white striped tank and Marissa and I drive to the salon. We’re able to get in right away. This was a great idea. The foot massage relaxes me and getting my nails done always makes me feel better. She offers to treat me for my birthday but I let her buy me lunch at a pizza place near the salon instead. As the day goes on, I feel better physically, but mentally I’m seriously struggling. The day passes quickly and by the time we get home it’s three-thirty. Julian pulls into the driveway not long after we do. He’s early. Marissa answers the door on her way out. She’s leaving for a while so we have privacy. I hear Marissa tell Julian where I am. I’m sitting in a chair when Julian walks in the living room. I don’t want him to sit next to me. He looks awful, which is a rare sight. It’s the worst I’ve ever seen him look and I know last night was rough for him too. My heart starts beating faster and faster and I feel like I’m going to throw up again. This isn’t going to be easy. My plan is to be calm, cool, and collected. He won’t take me serious if I act crazy.

  “Hi.” I don’t get up; he stands a few feet away from me.

  “Can I please hug you?”

  I shake my head. He looks hurt but doesn’
t ask again. He sits on the couch opposite me but gets as close to me as he can. He jumps right in and starts trying to fix things.

  “I’m so sorry about everything that happened last night. I was totally wrong. You need to believe that. This is killing me, baby. I need to hold you. This is like a bad fucking dream.”

  I know right away why I didn’t want to see him or talk to him. My body is aching for him. I want his arms around me. I want this nightmare to end. But it’s still way too real.

  My voice is shaky when it comes out. “I believe you. I can hear it and I can see you feel bad. This is killing me too.”

  He starts to stand up and I have to put my hand up to stop him. He sits back down.

  “I get why you were upset about Luke and I’m not surprised you’re sick of all the drama that comes with me. I’m sick of it too. It’s why I haven’t let anybody get close to me. It’s a lot to deal with.”

  He interrupts me. “Lexie, everything I said was bullshit. I was jealous and acting like a dick. You don’t need to apologize. I know you didn’t know Luke was going to be there. I had planned this great night and you were in a bad mood and I snapped. I wanted to celebrate with you. Shit, I wanted to celebrate you. It’s my fault it didn’t happen and I’m so sorry.”

  “Julian, it’s not what you said that’s the issue here. It’s what you did—”

  “Nothing happened, I swear.”

  “Please stop interrupting me. This is hard enough to get out and you’re making it harder. I need to say something to you now. Okay?”

  He takes a deep breath, nods, and leans back into the couch. He grabs one of the floral throw pillows and hugs it to his chest. He’s a very physical man and his need to touch me is overwhelming him. I can see it and I’m fighting the same pull with everything I have.

  “I could get past the things you said, even though they were very hurtful. You were upset and although you overreacted, I do understand why Luke is a trigger for you. I didn’t handle it well and I should’ve stayed and talked it through with you. I had all I could handle yesterday and I was emotionally spent. I was angry you ignored my request not to have a birthday party. I knew the day would suck and you just didn’t get it. But none of that really matters because three hours after we got in a fight you were ready to fuck another woman.”