Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  The last part comes out with a hiss. I’m trying to stay calm but the thought of him with someone else spikes my blood pressure.

  “I didn’t do anything.”

  “I know you didn’t, because by some bizarre twist of fate, I was there to stop it. But you wanted to, and that’s as bad as if you did. You should’ve fucked her. You obviously have before and it must’ve been good for you to choose her again. I know you don’t do repeats unless it’s good sex. She looked pretty, Julian, totally your type! Is she a model?”

  My voice is getting louder and louder. So much for calm and cool. That’s out the window. All I want to do now is strike back as waves of hurt roll over my whole body.

  He doesn’t answer and it makes me angrier. My voice cracks and the tears finally come.

  “You should’ve fucked her, Julian. At least you could’ve made it worth losing me!”

  Julian closes his eyes and when he opens them the remorse he feels is evident.

  “Are you done?”

  “We are done, Julian. Say whatever you need to say but it’s not going to change anything.”

  I say the words with as much conviction as I can muster. They burn coming out. Deep down, I don’t want this. I’m just so scared of him leaving me first. I’ve been scared of this since day one. I never really believed he would actually stay. Why would he?

  He sits up and leans forward so he’s looking at me directly in the eyes. I want to look away because it’s so intense but I can’t.

  “Yes, I was going to fuck her. But it has nothing to do with sex. I was trying to make the frustration I’ve been feeling for weeks go away. I was trying to convince myself you don’t have that much control over me and that I don’t need you this much. I told myself it would be okay to sleep with someone else, because after all we’ve been through in the last few months, you still can’t tell me you love me. I’m so in love with you that I spent the last twenty-four hours acting like a fucking nut job. I can’t be without you but I don’t want to compete with Luke or Brady anymore. I want you all to myself: your mind, your body, your heart. I want to start our future. I’ve waited my whole life for you and you walked away and ended it because you didn’t like that I had feelings about you seeing Luke. I know you didn’t want a party, but we all wanted to celebrate with you. We wanted the twenty-sixth year of your life to start great because we know how horrible the last year has been for you. We wanted you to be surrounded by people who love you and support you and think you’re amazing. Marissa, Shannon, and I planned a great night and I was pissed you were late because of Luke.”

  His words are breaking my heart. Julian is one of the strongest, most self-assured and composed people I know and to see him like this is shaking me to my core.

  “I feel like nothing I do is good enough for you. I gave you my heart and it’s not fucking good enough, and I don’t know how to deal with that again. You keep walking away from me and it kills me each time. So, yes, I wanted someone else to make me feel like I was enough. It was wrong and I know I fucked up. I don’t want her, or anyone else. There isn’t anyone else for me. I know why you saw me and so do you. We’re meant to be together. You know that. I know you do. I fucked up, and I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”

  I’m not sure anything other than chains could keep me in my chair. I feel compelled to go to him and I can’t stop myself from climbing onto his lap and wrapping my arms around him as tightly as I can; as if my life depends on it. I was determined to walk away again. I really was going to end it this time, but not because Julian isn’t good enough for me. It’s because I don’t think I’m good enough for him. I’ve never thought I could be what he really needed and wanted. Every single thing he said is true. He’s done everything to make me feel secure and wanted and loved, and because I make everything about me all the time, he doesn’t know how I really feel.

  Julian returns my embrace with the same intensity and I can feel him trembling as he presses his face into my neck. We sit quietly like this for a while. Neither of us wants to say anything and break the moment.

  I know what I need to do, or say. I’ve been so wrong to have waited this long. I’ve been a coward. I pull back and put my hands on his face. I place my lips on his and kiss him softly.

  “I love you, Julian Bauer. I started falling in love with you in the stairwell, the first time you touched me. There isn’t anyone else. It’s me who doesn’t feel like I’m good enough, Julian. I’ve been so scared you’re going to wake up and change your mind. But you need to know how I feel about you.”

  I take his hand and place it over my heart. “It’s yours. It has been since day one.”

  Julian places his hands on my face now and the kiss he gives me is full of love, tenderness, and relief. His lips and tongue are soft and gentle. I kiss him back and try to pour all of the love I’m feeling into this moment. I open my eyes and see him staring at me. His eyes shine with love as well. We sit there for a few minutes and just stare at each other. I mean the kind of stare where you see into another person’s soul. It’s so intense and so intimate.

  “What do you want from me? What do you need from me? I’ll do anything for you. Anything.”

  I believe every word he’s saying. I know he would do anything for me. He keeps showing me time and time again how much I mean to him. Last night was bad, really bad. If anyone would’ve asked me if I thought I’d be able to move past it I would’ve said no, certainly not this quickly, if at all. But, there’s no way I can look into his eyes and walk away. There isn’t enough of a reason to let go. He made a mistake and it hurts that he was so close to taking things so far with another woman, but I’ve made mistakes too and after listening to his words, I know I’ve hurt him too. It’s so baffling that two people who seem to love each other so much have such a hard time holding it together. Julian rests his forehead on mine and runs his hand through my hair. He kisses me softly on the lips and whispers my name, “Lexie.”

  “Make love to me. I just need to be close to you.” My words are a whispered plea.

  Julian stands up with me in his arms and walks toward my bedroom. He doesn’t take his eyes off of me the whole time. He sets me down in front of my bed and we begin to slowly undress each other. I feel naked and exposed even before I’m undressed. The moment is so raw and the pure emotion of this situation is hanging heavily in the air. I pull his t-shirt over his head and begin working on getting his shorts off. When we’re naked, he lays me on the bed and positions himself next to me. He’s still staring into my eyes. I have to know what he’s thinking.

  I touch his cheek with my fingertips. “Say something please.”

  He kisses them and puts my hand on his heart. His voice is quiet.

  “I’m trying to find the words to describe how those words make me feel and I can’t. There really aren’t any words. You’re everything to me, Alexa Reed. Todo. I’ve wanted to hear you say them. I’ve needed you to tell me you love me. Not knowing has made me feel weak and insecure. Two things I’m unfamiliar with. I needed you to look me in the eyes and let me know I wasn’t imagining this thing that has been happening between us.”

  I whisper, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was afraid. I wanted to tell you when I knew I was ready to give you everything you deserve. You’re an amazing man and I love you, Julian. I’m so sorry you didn’t know all of that.”

  “Do you believe me that there’s nobody else but you, Lexie? Nunca mas. Solamente tu.”

  I want to believe it. I have to believe it because I can’t imagine my life without this man in it. I nod and place my lips gently on his. I breathe the words into his mouth, “I’m yours, only yours.”

  We spend the next few hours making love and telling each other how we feel. We don’t talk anymore about anything that happened yesterday. I don’t want to talk about Luke, or Brady, or whoever he was with. I don’t even want to know who she is because I want her to be irrelevant. I want to push away any lingering insecurities I have, and focus o
n Julian and our relationship. I want to create a bubble around us and exist in it for a few hours. So, I do.

  At around eight, we decide to get out of bed and get some dinner. I didn’t eat much at lunchtime and now I’m hungry. I don’t feel like going anywhere so we order Chinese food. We get dressed and head into the kitchen. When we pass through the living room, both Marissa and Shannon smile brightly at us. They’re thrilled to see Julian is still here.

  “Are you two hungry? We’re going to order Chinese.”

  They tell us what they’d like and Julian calls to place the order. While he’s on the phone they ask if everything is okay.

  I nod and smile. “Yes. We’re good. We talked about everything.”

  “Is he coming to your parents tomorrow?”

  Marissa says it loud so Julian can hear her as he walks back into the room. She knows I didn’t invite him and she just did that on purpose. I don’t answer because Julian does.

  “She hasn’t invited me to her parent’s house tomorrow.” He looks genuinely hurt.

  Shannon joins in and I don’t know if I should be mad or happy they’re forcing this issue.

  “We’re going to dinner at seven-thirty. It’s her parents, her sister Jill, and Marissa and I. I’m sure Frank and Claire would love to meet you.” She’s laughing by the time she finishes and Julian can’t help but smile. Neither can I.

  “You can come. But be prepared for the inquisition. Frank and Claire are going to expect big things from you if I bring you home to celebrate my birthday.”

  I almost expect him to decline because it was a forced invitation, but he doesn’t.

  “Great. I’ll be there. I’ll pick you up after work and we can go together.” He actually grabs my phone off the coffee table and tosses it to me. “Call them now and let them know to expect me. It’d be rude to show up unannounced.”

  “Um, okay. Worried I might rescind the invitation?”

  They all laugh because it’s something I’d do.

  “Um, yes.” Julian chuckles. “I’m going.”

  They all stare at me while I dial. My mom answers and after a few pleasantries I let her know I’m bringing someone to dinner tomorrow. She asks who and when I tell her it’s a man I’m dating, I can hear the excitement in her voice. She starts to ask me all of the who’s, what’s, and where’s but I cut her off. I promise her she will get all of those questions answered tomorrow. She’s super excited and I’m feeling better about inviting Julian. It seems so much more real in the last few hours if that’s possible.

  After I hang up, I turn and look at Julian who is sitting on the couch.

  “You get to celebrate my birthday with me. I hope you don’t regret it.”

  He winks at me. “I can’t wait.”

  We spend the next hour and a half eating Chinese food and talking about my parents. I’m surprised Julian isn’t scared off by all the talk about how much they want me to get married and settle down. I told him some of this before but my friends back it all up with specific comments and stories.

  “Are you staying here tonight?” I’m hoping the answer is yes, but I don’t know what his plans are for the morning.

  “You couldn’t make me leave, Corazón. We can drive in together tomorrow and to your parent’s house after work. They’re in Aventura, right?”

  “Yes, Aventura Lakes.”

  “I’m looking forward to meeting your parents.”

  “You say that now. I promise they’ll have a million personal questions for you.”

  “I’ve got nothing to hide. I’m happy to let them know I’m crazy about their daughter.”

  I smile at Julian as I bring our dinner mess into the kitchen. He follows behind me with the last of the food.

  “Do you want your present now or tomorrow?”

  I’m caught off guard. I really hadn’t thought about a present. I pause for a moment.

  “And don’t make any comments about how I didn’t need to get you anything. I haven’t bought you anything except dinner since we met and I’ve been dying to. Your birthday is the perfect reason.”

  I think about that quickly and realize he’s right. I also wonder why he making such a big deal about it. I don’t need him to buy me things. It’s not why I’m with him.

  “My birthday is officially in two hours so I guess it’s okay to get a present now.”

  Julian flashes me his big, happy smile and walks out the door to his car. My heart starts to beat faster and I can’t wait to see what he got me. I’m nervous though. What if it’s something I don’t like? I push that thought out of my mind. Julian has great taste and I’m sure I’ll like whatever he gets me. He walks back in with a duffle bag. He walks toward my room and I follow. I shut the door behind me and sit on my bed. He sits down next to me and puts the bag next to him.

  “I got you a few things.”

  He has a sheepish look on his face. I shouldn’t be surprised; I know he’s a generous man. He takes the first gift out. It’s a flat, rectangular box that looks like something a picture frame comes in. It’s wrapped in pretty black and white paisley paper. He hands it to me.

  I unwrap it and see my guess was right. It is a frame. I smile as I open it, anxious to see if there’s a picture in the frame. I open it upside down and when I flip it over I can’t stop the happy tears that come to my eyes. I look up at Julian, who’s smiling brightly at me.

  “Who took this?”

  “Gabby. She gave it to me a few weeks ago to give to you. I decided to save it for your birthday. I have one too. I have hidden it from you but it sits next to my bed when you’re not there.”

  Inside of a beautiful 5x7, white and blue mosaic, tiled frame is a picture of Julian and I from the first day we spent at the beach together. It was taken when we walked up to the water and he stopped and wrapped his arms around me. We’re looking at each other and now I know what Gabby saw that day. We’re looking at each other like we’re in love. The ocean is in the background and the breeze is blowing my hair. I didn’t see her with a camera that day and I can’t believe I didn’t notice her taking this picture. It’s pretty close-up so she must’ve used a powerful lens. It’s an intimate, candid shot and I absolutely love it. That we’re both wearing turquoise blue bathing suits makes the picture pop even more.

  “This is incredible. I love it and I remember this moment exactly. Is she a photographer?”

  “Yes. She’s been freelancing for about a year now and trying to build a business. I think she’s really got an eye for it.”

  “Me too. Thank you. It’s beautiful and I love the frame. The colors are perfect. I love that you have one too. You need color in your bedroom.”

  Julian laughs. He knows I think his place is boring. He’s told me I’m allowed to make it more colorful. Maybe I’ll get Gabby to help out with some photography.

  “I’m glad you like it. I remember the moment too. But, there’s more …”

  Julian reaches in and pulls out an envelope. It’s plain and I have no clue what’s in it. I open it up as Julian watches and I pull out six front row tickets to the Bruno Mars concert in September. Holy shit! I’m so excited. I really wanted to go to this and missed out on buying the tickets when they went on sale. I had mentioned it casually to Julian a few weeks ago. I lean over and give him a huge hug.

  “Julian, this is amazing. You were listening. I really wanted to see him.”

  “I always listen. I figure you, me, and four of your friends can go.”

  Not only did he get tickets for us to go but he included my friends. My heart swells.

  “Thank you so much for including my friends. They’re going to be so excited. We all love Bruno.”

  “Danny got tickets too so there will be a lot of us going. It should be a great time.”

  “That’s even better. I can’t wait. Thank you again.”

  Julian smiles at me and reaches into his bag.

  “One more thing¾”

  “Julian, the tickets and the frame were
enough, too much really.”

  “Like I said earlier, I haven’t spent any money on you. I’m happy you aren’t with me for my money, but I do have a little bit of it, and if I want to spoil you on your birthday I think I should be able to.”

  “Well, if you insist, I guess I can’t say no. It’s been a while since anyone spoiled me anyway.”

  Julian’s face turns serious for a moment.

  “You deserve to be spoiled every day, and if you’d let me I’d love to be the one to do it.”

  I lean over and kiss him softly. He reaches back in the bag and pulls out another box that can only be one thing; a shoe box. Holy shit, he bought me shoes. How awesome is this? The box is wrapped in the same pretty paisley paper.

  I can’t contain my excitement and Julian sees it.

  “You look like a kid on Christmas morning. You think there are shoes in there don’t you?”

  I look up, disappointed. “It’s not shoes?”

  “Open the present, baby.” He’s smiling.

  I try not to rip open the wrapping paper, but I’m so excited. My mouth drops open when I see the name on the box. Julian has bought me a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes. I pull the top open and find a pair of the most beautiful shoes I’ve ever seen inside. The black, leather sandals are accented with high-shine metal studs, glimmering gold metallic straps and four-inch heels. They’re classy and sexy and ridiculously expensive. Holy shit!

  “Oh my God, Julian. These are gorgeous. You’re amazing. Jimmy Choos. Oh my God!”

  “I saw these and figured you could wear them to the opening. I’m not sure what you plan on wearing but I thought these would match a lot of things. If you don’t like them you can exchange them for something else.”

  I give him a look that says I think he’s nuts. I don’t like them, I love them. The man has great taste for sure. “You have to be the best boyfriend ever.” I put the shoes on the bed and knock him back with my hug. I’m lying on top of him and he has wrapped his arms around me.