Hold On
Page 30
“I’m so sorry. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I really do. Can I do anything?”
“You could go with me to his condo to get my stuff. I don’t want anything of mine there. I’m not going into work today and I really don’t want to go alone.”
“Really, you want to get your stuff? Before you’ve talked? Don’t you think you’re overreacting? This isn’t over.”
“To me it is. I don’t want to do this, Mari. I can’t. I can’t make it through something like this again. I’m not strong enough. Julian is obviously not the man I thought he was.”
She shrugs her shoulders. She can’t argue with anything I’ve said.
“When do you want to go?”
“I figure he’ll be at work by nine, so any time after that is okay.” It suddenly occurs to me that she has to work. “But you have to work so never mind.”
“I’ll go in late. I have a few sales calls to go on anyway. Nobody will miss me. We can leave at nine. I’ll drive and bring you back.”
I nod. I’m so lucky she’s my friend. I get up and take a shower. I feel a little better after and force myself to eat some toast. I put on a pair of khaki shorts, a multicolored, striped t-shirt, and a pair of red Toms. I don’t bother with makeup and put my hair in a ponytail. We walk out the door at nine. I still haven’t checked my phone.
We pull up to the Bellavista and I make Marissa find parking out on the street. I have a key to get into the garage but I’ve already started to separate myself from this and I want the distance. We walk into the lobby and Axel is working the desk. I wave, act like it’s a normal day, and head to the elevators. He waves back and goes about his business. This is all so odd. Yesterday I couldn’t get by him.
When we’re in the elevator I go over the plan with Marissa. We’re going to get in and get out as quickly as possible. When we get to Julian’s door, I put the key in the lock and take a deep breath. This is going to be hard. As I’m turning the key the door opens and Julian is standing in front of me. He looks like hell. He looks like he’s been up all night. He looks like I feel. I’m shocked to see him. I really didn’t think he’d be here. I’m sure Axel called up and told him I was coming up. Damn it.
I don’t know what to say and words won’t come out anyway. He just stands there and looks at me and then at Marissa. It’s incredibly awkward and I feel horrible she’s here and involved. I notice him look at my hand. A pained expression crosses his face when he sees I’m not wearing the ring.
I take a deep breath and push the words out. I need to break the deafening silence.
“I’d like to get my things.”
He steps to the side, indicating I can come in. I turn and look at Marissa. She looks worried and confused. She’s scared for me.
“Mari, wait for me in the lobby, please. I’ll be right down.”
At first she shakes her head but then relents.
“Are you sure, Lex?”
I offer a small smile and nod. Then I turn and walk in alone. She doesn’t need to be a part of this.
I walk right past Julian and straight to his room. I head into the closet and start pulling my stuff off of the hangers. I grab the bag I keep there and start throwing things in it. Julian doesn’t follow me in and hasn’t said a word. It’s so surreal. My heart is pounding and I’m sweating. I’m also amazed at how much stuff I’ve left here over the last few weeks. I cram as much as I can in the bag and zip it up. I see an empty shopping bag in the corner and use that too. It barely fits.
When I walk out of the closet, I find Julian sitting on his bed with his head in his hands. He hears me come out and looks up. I set the bags down and pause in the middle of the room. I’m waiting for him to say something. Anything. Again, the silence is deafening.
“Have you turned on your phone today?” His voice sounds a little accusatory and it pisses me off.
“No.”
“I didn’t think so. I told you I was here and asked you to come over. You looked surprised when I answered the door.”
“I stopped waiting for your call around eight last night. That’s when I decided I didn’t want to talk to you anymore. I still don’t. If I would’ve known you were here I wouldn’t have come.”
I try to keep my voice calm and devoid of emotion but I know he can hear the hurt under the anger.
I hear him exhale as I walk over to the nightstand next to his bed. I take the box holding my engagement ring out of my pocket and set it down. I set it next to the picture of us at the beach. Then I turn the picture face down. I want to be strong, but I can’t keep the tears from falling. I know whatever Julian is going to say is going to destroy me. That’s why he hasn’t made any attempt to be near me. I turn back around and let him see my face. I want him to hurt. He looks as distraught as I do. His eyes are wet and his words quiet. It doesn’t make me feel any better.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say to you right now. We need to talk and I can’t find the words. I don’t want to hurt you, baby.”
I can’t help but snicker. “Too late. I don’t have any idea what happened since you dropped me off at home two days ago, but I know I’m done. I can’t be with someone who acts like this. I don’t even know who you are right now. Maybe I never did.”
“You know me better than anyone and you know that. I want to explain but it’s so fucking hard. It’s going to break your heart, and I can’t do it.”
“Just fucking say it already, Julian. Be a man. You obviously regret asking me to marry you. I get it. But don’t worry. You’re off the hook.”
He stands up and moves to me. He looks a little stunned by what I said.
“That’s what you think? That I don’t want to marry you?” He reaches out to embrace me and I step back and push his arms away.
“You couldn’t be farther from the truth. I meant every word I said on Saturday. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But, you might not feel the same way anymore.”
I try and quickly process what he’s saying. What could’ve happened that would make me not want to marry him? He knows how much I love him. If he hasn’t changed his mind about marrying me, there’s only one other explanation for his behavior. Deep down I really don’t believe what I’m about to say, but I’m so confused.
“What happened? Did you cheat on me? Did some girl threaten to tell me? Are you worried I’m going to find out you’ve been fucking someone behind my back.” My voice gets louder with each question.
One look in his eyes and I know I’m on to something. My heart begins a free-fall through my body and shatters at my feet.
“Oh my God! You did! After everything we’ve been through, how could you do that to me? To us?”
“I didn’t cheat on you. I haven’t been with anyone else since before we met.”
Something in the way he says before makes me pause. This is about a woman he was with before me. Alejandra? Victoria? Or is this about the woman he was almost with that night before my birthday?
“It’s another woman. You still have feelings for another woman. Alejandra? Victoria? Who, Julian?”
I’m thinking all of these things on the fly. I haven’t had time to process any of this and nothing is making sense to me.
A look of utter frustration crosses Julian’s face. He pulls me to him and doesn’t let go this time. I let him hold me. He looks down at me and in his eyes I see him begging me to believe his next words.
“Damn it, Lexie. How many times do I have to tell you there isn’t anyone else for me? Sólo te amo a ti. You mean absolutely everything to me. Me tienes que creer.”
He wants me to believe I’m the only one? That he only loves me? The words do make me feel better, and for a moment I’m comforted by his acknowledgement that he still wants me. As long as he loves me and only me I can handle whatever he’s going to tell me. At least that’s what I tell myself during the moments I’m in his arms. I can feel his heart beat against my chest, and he’s trembling softly.
“I’m tired of playing guessing games. I’m totally confused. Is someone holding something over your head? Did an ex threaten you with something? Because if you love me and want to marry me, I can’t figure out what the hell has been going on for the last three days. What is it? Tell me already.”
No matter how prepared I thought I was, no matter how strong I’m trying to be, nothing, and I mean nothing, could prepare me for the words that come out of Julian’s mouth.
“I’m going to be a dad.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
I hear the words but I can’t process them. It sounded like he just said he was going to be a dad.
“What? I don’t understand. What are you saying?”
“Can you sit down so we can talk? Please.”
“I don’t want to sit down.”
I want to run the hell out of here and back to a place and time where those words don’t exist.
Julian takes my hand and leads me the few steps toward the bed. I really am in shock. He sits next to me and keeps holding my hand. He tries to at least. I pull it away. He looks hurt by my rejection.
“I don’t know where to start. I’ve been avoiding you because I don’t know how to tell you all of this.”
I’ve always found Julian to be compassionate and sensitive to my feelings, and Lord knows he’s always been patient with me. However, right now, he sounds weak and it’s a total turn off. It refuels my anger and the shock starts to fade away. I grab ahold of the anger coursing through my body and pull it tight against me like a shield. It feels comforting and I know why. Angry is better than devastated.
“Start from the damn beginning. How’s that for a plan? Explain to me, the woman you just asked to marry, how in the world you’re going to be a dad when I sure as hell know I’m not pregnant.”
He recoils a bit when he hears my biting tone. “The sarcasm isn’t going to help.”
The laugh that comes out of me is bitter.
“Oh nothing is going to help. You don’t get to call the shots here. I’ll act anyway I choose. You have.”
I see the frustration building in him and it fortifies my anger and resolve.
He takes a deep breath but doesn’t argue.
“When I got to work on Monday, Caroline was waiting for me.”
Caroline? My mind takes a rapid fire trip through the list of women I’ve heard about from Julian’s past and I come to a screeching halt when I get to the tall, blonde woman he was with at the club the first night we were together. I think back to that night. She didn’t look pregnant, but I can’t remember what she was wearing. She’s tall and thin and maybe she was able to hide it.
“The woman you were with the first night we were together?”
“I wasn’t with her that night, but yes. I hadn’t seen her since that night and she didn’t look pregnant to me then, but I guess she was wearing baggy clothes. Anyway, she came to tell me she’s almost eight months pregnant and the baby is mine.”
“And you just believed her?”
Somehow my mind is in rational mode and this seems like a valid question.
“Not at first. I had questions. But, the timing fits. I was with her when she would’ve gotten pregnant, and she’s not the kind of girl who sleeps around. She wouldn’t lie about this.”
Whoa! Who is this man in front of me? The Julian I know isn’t trusting or easily fooled. How in the world did she convince him without proof? Or maybe there is proof. Maybe he knew this the whole time. I try and trip him up to see if he’s lying about just finding out.
“Again, I ask, you just believed her? That’s so not like you, Julian. Any proof?”
“Lexie, I’m not sure what proof you think I would have in two days besides her word. They can’t do a paternity test until after the baby is born. If I have any questions then, I’ll make sure it’s done.”
I’m livid he’s so resigned to this truth. I keep pushing and my words come out in a hiss.
“And the whole, ‘I haven’t had sex without a condom in eight years’ story you told me was bullshit?”
A look of guilt passes through Julian’s eyes. It’s subtle but I see it.
“No, it was true. We had a night where the condom malfunctioned. I guess that’s when it happened.”
“Malfunctioned? Like it broke? How? From fucking too hard? We fucked pretty hard and it never broke on us. Or did you just not put it on right? I’ve watched you. You know what you’re doing.”
My words are immature and not helping but I can’t stop myself. I’m trying to hold onto the anger because when it’s gone I’m going to break into a million pieces.
Julian is staring at me and watching as I spin out of control. He doesn’t respond so I keep going.
“So you had sex with her a couple of times, the condom broke once, and she shows up here eight months later pregnant claiming it’s yours? And that doesn’t sound fishy to you?”
I need him to see all the angles here. I can’t believe he’s just taking her word for it.
“Do you think I’m stupid, Lexie? That I’m that gullible? I asked her all the questions you can think of and it makes sense. I know you don’t want to hear it, but it does.”
“It’s not easy to get pregnant, Julian. Most women don’t get pregnant right away. It usually happens when people are sleeping together regularly.”
As the words are coming out of my mouth the expression on Julian’s face changes. He looks guilty all of a sudden and just like that it becomes crystal clear.
“Oh my God. I’m such an idiot. You were sleeping with her regularly. You were in a relationship with her, weren’t you? That’s why you know her so well and why you believe her. I’m so fucking stupid. All of the ‘Julian hasn’t been in a relationship forever’ speeches were total bullshit. You’ve been lying to me this whole time. When did you stop seeing her, Julian? That night? The night we fucked for the first time?”
Julian’s starting to lose his composure now and his voice is raised when he replies.
“I’m not going to talk about that night with you. Not like this. You’re angry and I get it but I didn’t do this to you intentionally. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t cheat on you and I didn’t lie to you about anything. I never said we were together only once or twice. I said we weren’t in a relationship and we weren’t. It was casual and she knew that. It’s why we stopped seeing each other. She wanted more and I didn’t. This wasn’t planned, Lexie and it would be nice for a change if you would think about how this affects someone other than yourself.”
His words hit home. He’s right. He didn’t do this to me. If the dates are right, I wasn’t even on his radar. I’m not sure I buy the whole ‘it was casual’ thing at the moment though. And I also don’t really think it’s fair to ask me not to think about how this affects me. This changes everything and I’m crumbling inside so I continue to lash out.
“Excuse me for not saying the right things. I haven’t had the luxury of a few days to let it all sink in. While you were dealing with this, I was at home, trying to figure out why you wouldn’t see or talk to me.”
“I’m not asking you to be okay with any of this. I’m just asking you to stay calm so we can work through this.”
“Work through this? We can’t work through this, Julian. It’s a baby, not a math problem.” An icy, sarcastic laugh slips out. “Or maybe it is. You plus Caroline plus a baby makes three. Not four.”
I stand up and begin to walk away from the bed. I have to get out of here. I can’t even think straight. Julian grabs my hand and pleads, “Please don’t walk out on me, Lexie. Not now. Not after all the times I’ve been there for you.”
I look down at him and see the tears that are threatening to spill out of his eyes. He looks wrecked by this. I can’t help myself, and I wrap my
arms around him. I love this man with every single ounce of my being and he’s hurting. He’s been there for me time after time and I owe him this. So, with a voice that barely sounds like mine I tell him I’ll stay. I text Marissa and tell her to go home. She wants to know what happened but I can’t tell her the truth, at least not yet, so I lie and say it has something to do with his dad. I feel like if I can somehow keep this truth from spreading, its impact will be less. It’s crazy thinking and deep down I know it, but I’m hanging onto a shred of hope this will turn out okay.
For the next few hours we talk about what has happened in the last three days. He recounts the whole story word for word of what Caroline told him and what he said back. He tells me how he came right home and tried to figure out how he was going to tell me. He tells me how he couldn’t come up with the right way to tell me so he called Danny for help. He tells me how they ended up getting drunk and how, as the hours went by, it became harder and harder to find the words. He tells me how sorry he is over and over: for ignoring me, for refusing to see me, for hurting me. He apologizes for not being man enough to tell me immediately what had happened. He tells me things aren’t going to change and that Caroline knows about me and doesn’t expect anything from him. I just listen. And I nod sometimes. I’m trying to keep it together for him and for me, but inside I want to scream. He’s in total denial, and for once, I’m not.
He barely lets go of my hand the whole time we’re talking. He constantly reaches out and touches my face or my arm. He even slips my engagement ring back on my finger, as if we can just move on as planned. He places sweet kisses on my lips and keeps hugging me. He thinks the physical contact will hold us together and act as the glue that will save us from this situation. I know better and so should he. I tried to use our intense physical connection as a band aid the first few months of our relationship when emotionally I was struggling. It never worked. He knows that but he’s still trying to pretend our whole world didn’t just get turned on its axis.
The rest of the night turns into a blur. I’m completely overwhelmed as I try to be the loving, supportive fiancé Julian needs, rather than the terrified, hurt fiancé that was just told the world as she knows it doesn’t exist anymore. I even manage not to cry … at all. I think I fool him into believing I think we can figure this out. I really don’t, but I’m going to try.