Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  And try is what I do for the next few days. I go to work and talk to my friends and act like nothing happened. I can’t even utter the words, “Julian is having a baby with another woman” out loud. My friends keep pressuring me for details about what happened those few days, but I hold them off with vague comments about Julian’s family. I feel bad lying, but once this is all out in the universe, I’m going to have to deal with all of their questions and opinions, and I can’t handle that yet. I’m barely hanging on.

  Julian lets it go for the first couple of days. I assume if he’s talking to her, he’s doing it when I’m not around. He tries to act normal, but he’s so stressed it shows on his face and in his voice. On Saturday night, three days after he broke the news to me, and one week after we got engaged, he corners me in bathroom as I’m getting ready for bed. I worked all day and chose to stay in and lay low tonight. Julian arranged it so he didn’t need to be at the hotel.

  “We need to talk about this. You’re acting like everything is fine, and I appreciate that you’re trying to be supportive, but we both know you’re going to explode if you don’t talk to me, or someone about this.”

  I had told him earlier today I still hadn’t told anyone about the baby. He has only told Danny, not his parents. I’m not sure what he’s waiting for.

  “You get upset when I freak out and now you’re questioning why I’m so calm. Which Alexa would you like me to be? I’ll see if I can bring her out to join the party.”

  Julian frowns when he hears the sarcasm in my voice. “I want you to be the Alexa that cares, the one who doesn’t shut down and go dark. If that’s the freaking out Alexa, then that’s the one I want. At least she feels.”

  “Go dark? I’m right here. I haven’t left your side in case you haven’t noticed.”

  Go dark, really?

  “You haven’t and that’s great. I’ve noticed. I’ve also noticed you a have a fake smile glued to your face. I’ve also noticed you haven’t really let me touch you in three days. I’ve also noticed how you’re avoiding your family and friends. I’ve also noticed you’ve done everything you can to keep us from really talking about this, about the baby.”

  My heart sinks when he says the words, “the baby”. It’s easier for me to deal with this situation when I focus on the other woman, not the baby. The baby is innocent and I don’t want to feel resentment towards it. I do, but it makes me feel like an awful person, so I try not to go there.

  “Your powers of observation never cease to amaze me. It looks like you’re spending a lot of time focusing on me. I’m fine. Perhaps you should spend some more time focusing on Caroline and your baby. I’d think you’d have a lot of stuff to figure out.”

  Julian cringes when he hears me put an emphasis on the words “your” baby.

  “You, we, are my focus. You can be as sarcastic as you want, but you know I know you. Can we talk about this, please?”

  He does know me and I know he’s right. We do need to talk about this whole fucked up situation. We spent the first night talking about how we were feeling about it, but not how we were going to deal with it in real life. I haven’t brought it up, or I’ve avoided it like the plague, because I have no freaking idea how to deal with any of it.

  “What would you like to talk about Julian? You know I’m not thrilled about this. You know I’m jealous and insecure and hate that another woman is in our lives, forever. Do you want to talk about where the crib is going to go? If you get to help pick a name? How often you get to see the baby? If you’re going to be in the delivery room? I started out calm, but when I really let myself start to verbalize the millions of questions that have been running through my head non-stop, I can’t keep the emotion out of my voice. He wanted freak out Alexa and now he’s going to get her. “Breast or bottle? Oh wait, you don’t need to talk about those things with me, because it’s not my baby.”

  Oh shit, here come the tears. I knew the minute I opened up about how I was really feeling, this would happen. The pain I’ve been feeling since Monday comes pouring out in torrents. I walk out of the bathroom and sit on the floor next to his bed. Julian sits down next to me and takes me in his arms. He doesn’t say anything for a while. He just holds me and lets me cry. I assume he’s thinking about all of the questions I threw out. They’re real questions that need real answers, and the reality is, I’m not the person who gets to answer them. I’m an outsider. There’s no way around that and I think it just really hit Julian for the first time.

  After about fifteen minutes of some good, deep, soul-cleansing crying I pull away from Julian so I’m looking at him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to do that. I was trying not to do that. You know me, but I also know me. I knew when I started to really think about those questions, and the million others that have been racing around my head for three days, I’d crack. It’s better when I shut down, Julian. I deal better.”

  He kisses me on the forehead. “That’s not dealing. Please don’t apologize and please don’t shut down. I need you. I can’t do this without you.”

  I wake up in the morning with horrible cramps. For the first time in my life I’m happy to have my period. It’s a great reason not to be intimate with Julian. We haven’t had much physical contact since he told me about the baby and it’s really been my choice. I feel sad when he touches me and holds me. I feel like it’s all temporary, this illusion of the happy couple. I feel like what we have, this beautiful future we planned, is slipping through my fingers like sand and no matter how hard I grasp at it, it falls and scatters to the wind.

  I’m going to go home today and spend the night at my house. I need to tell my friends what’s going on. They know something is up, and I can’t hold them off much longer. Julian is going to dinner with his parents and he’s going to tell his family. He wanted me to go with him, but I declined. Because we haven’t told anybody yet, I haven’t had to see the pity in anyone’s eyes, but I know it’s coming.

  Marissa and Shannon are waiting for me when I get home around one. When the words finally come out of my mouth, and I tell my friends the real story, they’re in shock. They don’t know what to say.

  “I’m sorry. This is so not fair. Are you okay?”

  “No, Mari, I’m not okay. I’m pretending to be okay but I’m not sure what I’m going to do.”

  They both look at me with confusion in their eyes.

  “What do you mean you don’t know what you’re going to do? Are you thinking of breaking up with Julian? Because if you are, stop.”

  “Thanks for your advice, Shan. I have thought about breaking up with him. Every morning when I wake up and feel like I’m going to be sick, I think about it. Every time he mentions something about the baby, I think about it.”

  “Does he know that?”

  “No, he doesn’t know that. I just told you I was pretending to be okay. So, while he’s off telling his family he’s about to have a baby with someone other than his fiancé, I’m going to stop pretending and feel as bad as I really do. I hope that’s okay with you two.”

  “Nobody said you shouldn’t be upset. This absolutely sucks, but you guys just got engaged. You love each other. It’ll work itself out. It’s just going to take some time to get used to.”

  I love Marissa’s optimism and it usually helps, but right now it’s pissing me off. This isn’t me just freaking out because Julian hasn’t called or because I’m a little jealous. This is about a life-altering event. We’re talking about a baby.

  “Really? Thanks for the pep talk, but I thought you two would be a little more sympathetic about the magnitude of my new situation—”

  “Lexie, don’t be like that. We are sympathetic and I’d be freaking out if I were in your shoes. But, Mari’s right. You’re getting married and that means for better or worse. This is pretty much worse and I know you aren’t married yet, but you can deal with this. You really can.”

  I look at them both and shake my head. “I don’t know if I want to. That’s the problem.�
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  Later on that night, after I’m in bed, I get a call from Julian. He tells me, without me asking, that his parents were shocked and had a ton of questions. He tells me they feel horrible for me but know I’m the kind of woman who can handle this. Then he tells me they were actually a little excited about the prospect of having a baby around. I’m not sure what part of that he thought would make me feel good, but I’m sure my silence tells him how I really feel about his parents’ joy. He doesn’t ask me about what my friends said. I guess he doesn’t care. After I promise him I’ll be back at his place tomorrow, he tells me he loves me and hangs up. I toss and turn for hours in a bed that suddenly feels so empty and unfamiliar. I can’t remember having any dreams, but when I wake up in the morning, my pillow is wet. I’m assuming it’s from my tears.

  Nothing changes between Julian and me over the next few days. I keep pretending and hope one day soon, I’ll wake up and not want to throw up when I remember my fiancé is having a baby with someone else. I go to my appointment with Ellen on Wednesday even though the last thing I want to do is talk about this. She doesn’t even know I’m engaged.

  “Hi Lexie. How are you?”

  I hold up my hand and show her the ring. “Engaged.”

  Her smile is bright and she’s about to offer her congratulations when she notices my sour expression.

  “What’s going on? That isn’t the look of a happy bride to be.”

  “Well, a lot has happened since the last time we spoke, and I guess I’ll just cut to the chase. This “bride to be” found out two days after she got engaged that her fiancé is expecting a baby in a month with a girl he used to fuck. Would that explain my look?” I didn’t mean for those words to come out so crass, but I’m really on edge.

  Ellen stares at me as she processes what I just said. She looks so confused.

  “Uh huh. It’s seriously messed up. Let me tell you the whole story, it’s a doozy.”

  Ellen listens intently as I tell her about the engagement, the few days following the big baby reveal and where I’m at today. I expect her to show some type of emotion, but after the initial look of surprise wore off, she looks calm.

  “Lexie, are you planning on breaking up with Julian?”

  Hmm. That’s basically what my friends asked when I told them the story. “I’ve thought about it, why?

  “Because I hear it in your voice. You’re scared and you’re very defensive. You don’t need to run. You and Julian can make this work. Couples do it all the time.”

  I don’t deny her assessment. “I know they do. Blended families are all the rage. I just don’t know if I want to handle it. This isn’t what I signed up for.”

  “Maybe not, but this is what you’re getting. Life works that way. You love him and he loves you. You should give it a fair chance. He’s been here for you every step of the way through your journey and you owe it to him, and yourself, to try and work this out.”

  I start feeling like I did when my friends were lecturing me. I respect Ellen and I love my friends, but they have no idea what this feels like. It hasn’t happened to them. I don’t argue with Ellen though and spend the remainder of the session listening to her tell me all the reasons I have to fight for this relationship. She’s team Julian. They’re all team Julian, and I guess they think I should stand by his side no matter what. I know they’re right, but with each passing day I’m more convinced I won’t be able to.

  That night when Julian and I are in bed, he finally initiates sex. He’s been following my lead until now, but I guess he’s tired of waiting for me to act like I want him. I’d be lying if I said the sex we have doesn’t feel good. It always feels good and Julian is his usual giving self. He’s trying so hard to re-establish our connection and I appreciate it. But, even though I’m feeling amazing physically, I’m feeling cold inside. After we finish, Julian gets up to take a shower. He doesn’t ask me to join him and I don’t even consider it. I just lie there and try to find the emotions that usually are with me after Julian and I are intimate. I pull out every good memory I have and when I recount the words he said to me when he proposed, I begin to feel a little better. I close my eyes and let his words run on loop. I’m brought out of my little reverie by the three pings that come from Julian’s phone on his nightstand. I never, ever look at his phone, but tonight I’m drawn to it. I pick it up and read texts that make me want to vomit.

  Caroline: Hey you. Just a reminder we have an appt at 3 tomorrow.

  Caroline: And thanks for your support today. It makes me feel really taken care of.

  Caroline: And I’m super excited you’re going with me to see our baby for your first time. :-)

  I scroll through the rest of his texts from her and am blown away by the realization they text all the time. She texted him thirteen times today. Thirteen. His responses are short sweet and to the point, but he responded every time. I talked to him twice today.

  My stomach literally turns over and I run to the guest bathroom. I kneel on the cold tile floor and try not to throw up. Oh my God. That’s what their relationship is like? I’m the one who pretty much enacted the “don’t ask don’t tell baby policy”, but I never in a million years thought this was what was going on between them. Hey you? That’s how we address each other. They’re totally in a relationship. I start shaking and have to lie down on the floor. I hear Julian walking down the hall and I shut the door. I call through the door that I’ll be out in a few. After about twenty minutes he comes back to see if I’m okay. I don’t answer, because I’m not, and he sees that when he opens the door.

  “What happened? Are you okay?” His concern is sincere.

  “I’m not feeling well. Go to bed. I’ll be in soon.”

  He walks in and sits down next to me. “You were fine twenty minutes ago. What happened?”

  I pull myself into a sitting position. I think I’ve gotten the nausea under control. I debate whether I should lie about reading his texts and then decide I’m done lying, about everything. “I read your texts from Caroline. I’ve never looked at your phone, but I couldn’t stop myself.”

  “It’s okay, baby. I’m not mad.” He’s not mad ... he’s clueless.

  “You’re not mad? Why would you be mad? I’m your fiancé. We don’t have secrets.” My sarcasm and hurt are flowing freely. “I totally knew you and Caroline talk to each other like you are a couple. Hey you? Hey fucking you? Are you kidding me, Julian? She texted you thirteen times today. I talked to you twice, and you cut me off quickly because you were busy. You talk to her every day? What the fuck?”

  His eyes grow large and he’s kind of at a loss for words. This is hard to justify, but he tries anyway.

  “She doesn’t have anybody else to talk to. Her parents pretty much disowned her when she got pregnant. She doesn’t have a lot of girlfriends here; you know how those girls are. She was worried about being alone when the baby was born and I told her I’d be there. I was trying to do the right thing.”

  “Those girls? You mean the bitchy models you fuck and knock up? Yeah, I get it. She’s alone and clinging to you, the father of her unborn child and her meal ticket. She doesn’t have a supportive family? Great, I guess that means cozy holiday dinners and lots of Bauer bonding time. This is what I was talking about. It’s already happening like I said it would, you and her bonding over the baby. How sweet. I’m just the fucking idiot who thought I could pretend it wasn’t happening. I’m just the outsider in my own life.”

  He asks in a calm voice, “What do you want me to do? Walk away? Not take her calls? Not take care of my responsibilities? I’ve hidden it from you because you refuse to take part in this part of our life. You can pretend all you want, but it’s happening and you need to accept that.”

  “I need to accept it? Or what Julian? What happens if I don’t accept it? If I can’t accept it?”

  “Then I guess I’ll have to walk away from her and my child. Is that what you want me to do, because I will?”

  Wow. That so
unds so awful to hear coming out of his mouth. That’s not Julian.

  “You would never walk away from your child or your responsibilities so don’t throw that out there as an option. I wouldn’t ask you to either. You just don’t see this for what it is. This isn’t something we can fix.”

  Julian gets up and walks out of the bathroom. He doesn’t know what to say to me and has learned to walk away for a while when I get like this. I lie back down on the floor and process his words. He offered to walk away from his baby, for me. I was so tempted to take that offer for about two seconds. I’d love for it to be just us again. But he’s right. This is happening and I need to figure out really soon if I’m going to be able to deal. It’s not looking good.

  I lie on the couch and try to fall asleep there. I want to go home but I do the more mature thing and stay. After about an hour, Julian comes out and lies down behind me. He takes me in his arms and holds me tightly. He doesn’t say a word and neither do I. We don’t know what to say.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  The tension is still there when we wake up in the morning. It doesn’t help that neither of us slept well. I can’t help but think about how Julian and Caroline will be bonding over a sonogram this afternoon. I feel sick.

  It’s Thursday and I have a full schedule of appointments today so I get ready quickly and take my own car to work. Julian doesn’t even try and talk me into driving like usual. I think about our conversation last night and I feel horrible. I really don’t want to be putting him in a position where he has to choose, but I can’t find a middle ground I feel comfortable standing on. It keeps shifting underneath my feet and I’m waiting for this whole new world to open up and swallow me whole.