Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  I’ve done a pretty good job at maintaining a happy image at work but my smile and good attitude have disappeared this morning and Diego is the first to notice it. He calls me into his office as I’m walking by.

  “Buenos Días, Lexie. Is everything okay?”

  This is actually the first time he’s asked a personal question since before he knew about Julian. We talk all the time, but always about work.

  “All good, Diego, why?”

  “Because you haven’t seemed yourself the last few days.”

  “Is someone complaining?” I think about my customers and know I’ve been professional.

  “No, not at all. Everyone loves working with you. I’ve noticed.”

  He pauses and I can see he’s deciding whether to say more. Fuck! He knows about Julian and the baby. It’s in his eyes, the pity. “And I heard about Julian …”

  Fuck, fuck, fuck! Now it’s out at work too. I guess I wasn’t going to be able to keep it a secret forever. People know Julian’s business and I’m sure Caroline is talking about it. After all, she’s going to have the baby next month and Julian is quite the catch. I try and smile but I’m sure it’s obvious how I really feel.

  “I’m good, thanks for asking. You know how life can be … unexpected … sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.”

  Really, Alexa? You sound like a freaking Hallmark card.

  Diego smiles warmly and I know he genuinely feels for me, I can see it in his eyes. Maybe it’s more sympathy than pity. “Okay. Let me know if there’s anything I can do?”

  I want to say, hell yes, you can do something. You’re gorgeous and successful and single. Go find Caroline and offer to be her man. Take care of her and be there for her. Do that so my man doesn’t have to. Of course I don’t say those things, though. I just smile and walk out. Fuck.

  I spend the rest of the day doing everything I can not to think about the doctor’s appointment they’re going to. Julian tries to call me a few times but I don’t answer the phone and he doesn’t leave any messages. I see the clock at three-fifteen and wonder if they’re picking out names as they look at the baby’s face on the monitor. At three-thirty I wonder if Julian’s holding her hand and smiling at her as they hear everything is fine. At four I wonder if they’re staring at the sonogram picture and talking about who the baby looks like. I wonder if they found out if it was a girl or a boy. Julian has told me she didn’t want to know but maybe he talked her into it so he could know if he was having a son or a daughter.

  By the time I leave work, I’ve gotten myself into quite a state. Julian hasn’t called since around two and it’s close to six. On a normal, before another woman is about to have my fiancé’s baby, day, we would’ve talked about our dinner, or working out or nightly plans. Tonight, I have no clue where he is or what he’s doing and it makes me so mad. Julian doesn’t answer when I call so I stop by the hotel to see what’s going on. Candace is still there and is more than happy to inform me Julian left around two and hasn’t been back. Great.

  I find Julian at home sitting outside on the terrace when I come in. He’s sweaty and I assume he’s been for a run.

  “Hi.”

  “Hey yo … hi, Lexie.” He tries to smile but it’s forced.

  In a split second I can tell something is wrong. “Just tell me.”

  He pauses for a minute but then starts talking. “I went to the appointment today. The baby seems fine, but Caroline is having issues. They’re worried the baby will come soon, so they put her on bed rest until the baby is born.”

  “Is she in the hospital?”

  “No. She’s at her apartment.”

  “And who is going to take care of her if she can’t get out of bed? You?”

  “I’m going to have to help. I want the baby to be healthy. I told you she doesn’t have anybody else.” He sees the look of disgust on my face. This just keeps getting better. “What the hell do you want from me? What should I do here? Because if you have any answers, let me know. I can’t stand the way you’re looking at me, like I’m doing this to you on purpose.”

  “Pardon me, Julian. I’m just trying to process the new norm of you having to babysit your baby mama. It’s been less than two weeks and we went from no baby, to baby, to you telling me you have to be supportive, to you telling me you have to take care of her, every day. Maybe if I had months to get used to the idea, I’d be able to handle it better.”

  I use that as a justification, but it’s a lie. It wouldn’t matter. I’m never going to get used to this.

  “It is sudden. But that’s not my fault. I haven’t had a chance to get used to anything either. I wish I would’ve known from the beginning. That way I could’ve been part of all of this. I’ve missed out on a lot.”

  Finally, the truth comes out. He’s feeling like an outsider too, and regrets not knowing sooner. I don’t think he realizes the implications of his words so I tell him. “I’m glad you didn’t know sooner.”

  He looks confused. “Why?”

  “Because if you would’ve known sooner, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. We wouldn’t have fallen in love and gotten engaged. And I guess I’m still happy we did.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean? You’re still happy we did. That might change? You might regret that?”

  I don’t answer even though I know what the truth is. I’m headed for a broken heart and I know it.

  “I love you, Julian. This is hard. I don’t have the answers and I’m trying.”

  “So am I, Lexie. So am I.”

  We stop talking about this because we know we’re on slippery ground. The rest of the evening continues in an uncomfortable silence, which I guess is our new norm.

  I have to work all weekend and I’m so grateful. It’s proving to be the best distraction. It’s my only outlet. We’re super busy and I’ve been closing deals left and right. The Promenade is a hot commodity. Julian has to work late at the hotel both Friday and Saturday night because Ruben is off again. His mom has been ill and he’s needed to take off a few times to help out. I continue to stay at Julian’s to keep up the appearance everything is fine, even though it so isn’t. My friends ask me every day if I’m okay, and I keep lying and saying yes. The truth is things are getting worse, not better, as the gap between Julian and I widens. On his late nights, I pretend to be asleep when he gets home and he pretends to not know I’m pretending.

  Before I leave for work on Sunday, Julian tells me he wants to take me to dinner at a new Italian restaurant that recently opened on Collins Ave. We haven’t gone out at all since we got back from Sanibel and I decide a change might help. He lets me know he’ll pick me up from the condo at six.

  At six-thirty, I start to get a little anxious and a little annoyed. This date was important. I call and text but he doesn’t answer. I finally hear from him around seven-fifteen.

  “Hi. Sorry about being late, but I’m not sure when I’m going to be home.” He sounds stressed.

  “Is everything okay at work?”

  “I’m not at work. I’m at the hospital with Caroline. I’ve been here for a few hours. She was bleeding and they wanted to run some tests and now they’re going to admit her overnight. I’d leave but she’s really scared and the stress is bad for the baby, so I’m trying to keep her calm.”

  I’m not sure where it comes from but supportive, kind, Lexie makes appearance. “Can I bring you anything? Dinner?”

  “Thanks but my mom brought something by. I’m good. Hopefully I should be home soon.”

  His mom is at the hospital? My fiancé is at the hospital with his baby mama and his mom, while I sit in his condo waiting for him to call me? This is so fucked up. I’m not sure how I stay calm, but I do. I tell Julian to take his time and do what he needs to do and not worry about me. He sounds so grateful and relieved when I say this that I know, I finally know, there’s absolutely zero chance this is going to work. I’m lying and pretending and he can’t or doesn’t want to see it. This man
who used to be so attuned to all of my feelings is so wrapped up in what’s going on with Caroline and the baby he can’t see we’re over.

  I hang up the phone and without a second thought start packing all of my stuff. I’m calm and rational and tearless. I’m not freaking out and acting spiteful. I could wait until he gets home and I know we will be talking about this, but this is over and once I walk out of here, I’m not coming back.

  It takes me about an hour to get all of my stuff together. I don’t leave a thing of mine here, except my engagement ring, which I put next to our picture on the nightstand. I don’t turn the picture down this time and when I look at it, I can’t help but feel the pain of this decision. I sit down on the bed and stare at the image of such a happy couple that was taken just a few short months ago. I know better than anyone things can change in a moment, but I never, ever saw this coming.

  I don’t turn my phone off because I know Julian will be calling me as soon as he gets home and sees my stuff is gone. I go to Lauren’s because I know he’ll come looking for me. I called Marissa and told her what happened. I told her I left and I tell her I don’t want to hear her opinion about it. I also ask her not to tell Julian where I am. She doesn’t like my plan but agrees. The call comes in at nine. I don’t even get a word out.

  “Where are you, Lexie? I’ve already been to your house and I know you aren’t there.”

  “It doesn’t matter. I’m not at home because I knew you’d go there.”

  “Where are you, Lexie? This isn’t going down like this. You’re going to talk to me.”

  “I know. I planned to, just not tonight. I’ll talk to you when you calm down and when you can listen.”

  “I’m calm now and I can listen. I always listen.”

  “You aren’t calm. I hear the anger in your voice and you haven’t been listening since you told me about the baby. If you had been, you wouldn’t be surprised right now.”

  “I’m not surprised. I’m disgusted. I’m fucking disgusted you thought this was a good time to make it all about you again. I have so much on my fucking plate right now and the last thing I need is to deal with your hurt feelings that I missed dinner.”

  “I’m going to hang up now because clearly you and I are so far apart we can’t even see each other anymore.”

  Dinner? I don’t give a fuck about dinner. How can he not see this?

  “Don’t hang up, baby. Don’t do this.”

  The anger is gone and I hear the fear. It makes me weak and I can’t be weak.

  “We can talk in a few days when things have calmed down. Okay. I’ll call you and we can meet somewhere.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me? You just ended our relationship, our engagement, and you’re going to call me in a few days to discuss it? Did you really just say that? You know what, Lexie? Fuck it, don’t bother!”

  I hear the phone click on the other end, it breaks my heart and the tears start to flow. Lauren was sitting next to me for support during the call and she gives me hug.

  “I’m so sorry. If you really don’t think you can deal with the baby, you did the right thing. Sometimes love isn’t enough.” Isn’t that the truth?

  I debate going home, but decide to stay at Lauren’s in case Julian decides to come back over. I don’t want to talk to him tonight. I get up really early in the morning to go home. I use the term “get up” loosely. I really didn’t sleep. Marissa is still asleep when I get there and Shannon isn’t home as usual. It’s fine. I don’t really want to talk anyway. I’m getting out of the shower when Marissa comes into my room. She opens the bathroom door and looks annoyed.

  “Julian is in the living room. He kind of just knocked and walked in. He’s not leaving. He said to tell you that.” She turns and starts to walk away. “I hope you’re sure this is what you want.”

  I put a robe on and tell her to tell him I’ll be right out when he walks past her into my room. He’s glaring at me and it’s obvious he’s still very upset.

  “Yeah. A few days isn’t going to work for me. We’re going to talk about this now, fix it, and move on. Tell me what you need me to do, because this isn’t over.”

  Oh, so typical Julian. He’s a fixer. He sees a problem and finds a way to solve it. He doesn’t get that this is unsolvable. He sits down in the chair at my desk and waits for me to give him the answers. I sit on the edge of my bed.

  “This can’t be fixed. It can’t and you don’t want to see it.”

  “Every problem can be solved. We can make this work.”

  “No, Julian we can’t. You want things to be like they’d be in a movie, where everyone ends up happy and rides off into the sunset on pretty, white horses. My life isn’t a romantic movie, or a fairy tale. I stopped believing in the happily ever after a long time ago. I’ve been trying to believe but deep down I knew it wasn’t going to happen for me. I’m not that girl. You may be that guy, but I’m not that girl. I never have been and that’s what I’ve been scared about all along. I’ve been scared this would end and end in a way that gutted me.”

  He’s angry and doesn’t try to hide it. “That’s all such a cop-out, Alexa. You’re ending this. It’s not ending. You need to own that. You’re making the choice to walk away and change the way this story ends. You can have the happy ending and you’re choosing not to. I don’t understand how you can throw this all away.”

  I understand why he’s angry. I don’t want this to turn into a fight so I remain calm.

  “I’m sorry you don’t get it. I’m not sure how many other ways I can explain my feelings to you. I love you. I love you with every single thing inside of me but I don’t want this new life. When I agreed to a future with you, I envisioned kids, our kids, not someone else’s being part of it. That’s the problem and you don’t get it. This isn’t my baby, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life having to deal with the other woman in your life. It’s not just about the baby. I tried to convince myself that it was, but here you are, having to take care of another woman. I can’t do this. I can’t.”

  “Yes, you can. We can get through this.”

  “I don’t think you have any idea how hard it’ll be. It’s me you’re dealing with. You know I’m insecure. I don’t want to feel like an outsider in my own life, like I did last night when you chose to be with her instead of me. You even involved your mom instead of me. I get why you did it, but it’ll just keep happening and I’m not going to spend the next two months watching you take care of another woman and then sit back and watch you live a life I’m not really a part of.”

  I don’t think he knows how to refute my claims this would be a mess. He says the only thing he can to try and change my mind.

  “How could you just fucking quit on us so easily? After all we’ve been through. You said you loved me and agreed to marry me. We were going to spend our lives together. You’re not even giving this a chance. It’s only been a few weeks. It’ll get easier. Don’t do this.”

  He gets up and starts walking toward me. I put my hand up and ask him to stop. He’s left standing in the middle of my room.

  “And you told me it was going to be just us, you and I, apart from our pasts, that built a beautiful life together. You may not have meant to change that, but you did. It’s not just us and it’ll never be just us. You can be mad at me all you want, but I want you to think back to our first real date, at Ursa’s when we talked about sharing. We joked about who we were willing to share each other with and another woman and a baby weren’t on my list.”

  “I can’t accept this. I’m not walking away. I’m staying.”

  “I don’t want you to stay. Not this time. You need to walk away. I know you love me and I know this isn’t what you want, but it’s happening. I’m not going to change my mind. I need you to accept this. I need you to leave. Please.”

  I’m holding on by a thread and my unshed tears are lodged in my throat.

  “I guess I didn’t know you at all. I’m begging you, and you’re so cold, so c
alm, like this isn’t even fazing you.”

  “Are you kidding me, Julian? Not fazing me?” Here come the tears. “Is this what you want, for me to break down and get hysterical? Does me looking devastated make you feel better? Because it makes me sick. You don’t know me if you think this is easy. Let me remind you about me. I’ve spent the last year of my life trying to recover from some really bad choices. I’ve worked fucking hard to get back to who I was and I’ve come a long way, but I’m not there yet. I’ve woken up every day for the last eleven days feeling sick to my stomach. I feel angry and resentful and like God wants to keep punishing me for some reason. I don’t want to be tested to see if I’m strong enough to make it through yet another difficult situation. I know life’s not supposed to be easy, but I think I’ve had my share of hard knocks lately. I don’t want to try to deal with this. I already know I can’t do it. I’m not fucking strong enough and I don’t need to fail again. This isn’t about you. It’s about me, like always. I’m not enough. Not now and not before. Now please just go and take care of your responsibilities. I’m not one of them anymore.”

  I can’t even look at him. The look on his face is one of pure devastation. He really thought he could talk me out of this. I turn and walk back into the bathroom and lock the door. I sit with my back to door and I let the pain come. I don’t know how long Julian stays there but when I come out he’s gone, and so are all of my hopes and dreams for a happy future. Without him in it, I don’t see how it’s possible.

  The next few days are similar to the days following Brady’s death. I’m numb and just going through the motions. I can’t miss any more work, so I suck it up and force myself to make it through the day. When Diego asks me again if I’m okay, I don’t lie.

  “No, but I will be.”

  He nods and smiles at me. “Yes, you will be Alexa. You will be.” I wish I had his confidence.

  Serena knows because I heard her say something to Lauren about it. Lauren basically told her to mind her own fucking business and so far she’s heeding that warning and giving me a wide berth. My roommates say and do all the right things, whatever that is. I stop by my parent’s house on Tuesday and tell them what happened. I tell them everything; about the baby and Caroline. My mom surprises me when she says she thinks I made the right choice.