You Can Go Home (Christian Second Chance Romance)

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You Can Go Home (Christian Second Chance Romance) Page 4

by Hayley Wescott


  “You couldn’t possibly have known she’d do something like this, and you certainly couldn’t have predicted that there’d be a fire in the place she got off the bus, Jamie. It isn’t your fault.”

  “But, if I hadn’t gone back to work, I’d be here for them both. I would have been here for you. Maybe everything would have been different,” Jamie wailed.

  “For Pete’s sake, Jamie, none of this is your fault,” Hank said, his face looking utterly stunned. “If anyone is to blame, it’s me. You’re a great mom, you’re the best wife any man could ever wish for. It was me who threw it all away. I’ve made our kids go crazy. I will not have you blaming yourself.”

  “But, there must have been something I wasn’t doing right,” Jamie said. “Otherwise, why did you need her?”

  Hank rocked back on his heels, his expression darkening. Jamie knew she shouldn’t have said anything. But, she needed to understand. “What could she give you that I couldn’t?”

  * * *

  Hank felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. He had managed to decimate his confident, clever wife’s self-confidence entirely. He’d never been more ashamed. “Oh, Jamie, it wasn’t like that. I don’t really know what it was, but you have to know it was nothing to do with you. If anything, it was because you are so perfect and I never felt I deserved you. Pastor Joseph suggested that maybe I couldn’t cope with that, that somehow or another I did something to prove myself right.”

  “You’ve been talking to Pastor Joseph?” Jamie asked, her eyes widening in surprise.

  “I am, I don’t know if he is as wise as he seems, but I realized I had to talk to someone,” Hank admitted. “I’m struggling.”

  “He’ll help you,” Jamie-Leigh said, nodding her approval. Hank felt his heart lift a little. Just knowing she still cared, even the tiniest bit, about him was a salve he had not expected to be offered as he tried to heal his wounds. “Hank, thank you for bringing Casey home.”

  “If I’d known she’d been there earlier, or that you’d called, I could have put your mind at rest hours earlier. Sorry I didn’t get your call until after the fire.”

  “In a way, I’m glad you didn’t know. You’d have been distracted on the scene, and that could have cost lives.”

  “I would definitely have been off my game,” Hank admitted. “But, I wish I could have been there for you when you needed me, too.”

  “I knew what I was getting into, as the wife of a fire fighter,” Jamie-Leigh said with a rueful smile.

  “You deserved so much better. I know words don’t change anything, but I really am sorry for what I did. I am so sorry for screwing up your life - and the girl’s lives,” Hank said sincerely.

  Jamie-Leigh stood up, and moved towards the stove. Hank could tell he had said too much – or maybe not enough. “I’ll go, now,” he said. “Thanks for dinner, and thank you for letting me spend so much time with the girls.”

  “You can see them any time you like, you know,” Jamie-Leigh said. “They need you.”

  “I’m off on Saturday,” Hank said. “Could I maybe take them for the day?”

  “Sure,” Jamie-Leigh said. “Just don’t fill them full of sugar and junk food.”

  “Sure,” he echoed, and let himself out of the house.

  Standing on the sidewalk, he looked up at the house. The drapes in the upstairs window twitched. He waved up at Casey and smiled. She waved back and blew him a kiss. He held up his hand and closed his fist, as if he were catching it, and held it to his heart. She grinned. He returned the favor and he just caught the movement of her tiny hand as she caught it and put it to her lips. He turned, reluctantly, and got into his SUV.

  It had been a very peculiar day, but Hank felt that something had shifted. Jamie-Leigh was happy for him to spend time with the girls, and he felt that it was clear that even apart they could be great parents to their girls.

  He wanted to be able to give her the answers she needed, to help her to heal, but he didn’t have everything she needed. Pastor Joseph had helped him to look at things in a different light, but a part of him didn’t want to think that he was such a pathetic creature as to be threatened by Jamie-Leigh’s many perfections. He had always encouraged her to excel, had been by her side as she sat all her exams and built her career.

  He let himself into his apartment, and looked at the suitcase and three boxes he had packed up before his shift. This would be the last night he spent here. Tomorrow he would take the keys of a duplex, with two bedrooms and back yard for the kids to play in. Hank hoped that he would be able to make it a home for him and the girls.

  Casey and Emily needed him, and they needed him as he had been – not as the wreck of a man he had allowed himself to become. It was time to stop feeling sorry for himself. He sank onto the bed, and stared up at the ceiling.

  He hated that he had hurt Jamie so very badly, that he had made her doubt herself. She did not deserve to be so wracked by guilt for his actions. If he spent the rest of his life doing so, he would find a way to make sure that she found her missing confidence and rebuilt her life, better than ever.

  6

  Weeks passed, uneventfully. Hank picked up the girls a couple of times a week, never staying longer than he needed to. They were unfailingly polite to one another, and at times it began to test Jamie-Leigh’s patience. It was everything she had spent the past months hoping for, but now Hank seemed to be acting like an adult again, Jamie-Leigh found herself confused because it wasn’t enough.

  It was Sunday and she and the girls were sitting together waiting for the service to begin. She closed her eyes, and offered up her troubles to God, trying to have faith that all of this chaos was for the best. Trying to have faith that she and the girls would come out on the other side whole and happy again.

  “Mom, Dad’s here,” Casey said, tugging at Jamie-Leigh’s arm, turning to wave frantically at Hank who had taken a seat at the rear of the sanctuary. Jamie-Leigh turned. Hank looked nervous, his big body fidgeting as he glanced around him. She gave him a reassuring smile.

  “Sit properly, you can see your dad after the service,” Jamie-Leigh said, forcing Casey to sit down before Emily worked out what they were talking about and ran back to sit with him. Thankfully Em seemed to be completely distracted by a new Bible story book she’d gotten in Sunday School.

  Pastor Joseph launched into a lengthy sermon about forgiveness, but Jamie-Leigh could barely focus on his words, as she wondered what had finally brought Hank back to church. He certainly seemed to have changed in recent weeks. He’d made commitments to spend time with the girls, and had kept them without fail. The girls had even slept over a couple of nights at his new place. They’d raved for days about how he’d decorated their bedroom for them, all pink and pretty, apparently. He seemed more like the husband she’d loved, not the snarky and bitter cheater he’d turned into.

  But, Jamie-Leigh still found it hard to be around him. Every time she looked into his eyes, she wondered what she had done wrong, why she’d not been enough for him. He’d always been everything she needed, everything she wanted. She couldn’t imagine ever wanting anyone else. Yet, he had chosen to replace her.

  Amelia Haines was pretty, had been the head of the cheerleading squad, and was peppy and youthful. She was everything Jamie-Leigh had never been in her high school years. Oh, sure she’d been popular enough in school – but only Jamie-Leigh knew that her popularity had stemmed from ensuring her classmates received good grades, rather than her sparkling wit and personality. She’d been clever enough to realize early on that she had something the popular kids in school needed, but didn’t have. Then she used it to her advantage rather than letting them take advantage of her in the way they usually did to the geeks and the nerds.

  Jamie-Leigh could feel her stomach begin to churn as Pastor Joseph came to the end of his sermon. Soon she’d have to speak to Hank. She was sure he’d wait for them, knowing that Casey had seen him, he wouldn’t leave without seeing his girls.
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br />   She took some deep breaths as she made her way up the aisle, holding Casey and Emily’s hands. Pastor Joseph gave them an encouraging smile as they passed him at the door. “He’s trying very hard,” he said softly as Jamie-Leigh accepted his hand.

  “I know,” she agreed. “But, he needs to be doing it for himself, not for me.” He nodded.

  Hank was waiting for them by their car. He grinned awkwardly. “I wondered if you’d like to go for lunch somewhere? Maybe down by the beach?” he asked nervously. Casey’s eyes popped, and Emily started bouncing up and down, both clearly wanted nothing more.

  “The Crab Shack?” Emily said excitedly. Jamie-Leigh could have strangled Hank for springing this on her, knowing that she would never be forgiven if she didn’t agree.

  “Sure,” he said. “But it might be a little crowded if we go later. Have you girls got room in your bellies to go early?” He chucked Casey on the shoulder, and mussed Emily’s hair.

  “You know they’re just like you, could eat every minute of the day,” Jamie-Leigh said affectionately looking from one daughter to the other.

  “I’ll meet you there, then,” Hank said, ducking his head bashfully as he turned to head for his SUV.

  Jamie ushered the girls into the car. She leaned back against the seat, raising her hands to her face, massaging her temples. What on Earth was she thinking? Going to lunch with Hank would have tongues all around town wagging, speculating on whether some kind of reconciliation was on the cards. She certainly didn’t need that kind of pressure in her life. It was hard enough getting through each day as it was. She’d always felt that everyone had secretly wondered what he’d seen in her anyway. His affair had somehow confirmed all those fears she had kept inside her. She wasn’t pretty enough, or popular enough for a guy like Hank.

  Not feeling in any way ready to cope with the gossip beginning again she pulled out her cell phone. She pulled up his number. She flicked the screen to call, then closed it again. The girls were so excited, and she couldn’t upset them again. But, she vowed to tell Hank as soon as they were alone not to put her in such a position ever again.

  The restaurant was mostly quiet and Jamie-Leigh was relieved. At least there wouldn’t be so many witnesses to her idiocy. The girls rushed to the booth where Hank sat, nursing a small pile of menus. His entire face lit up as he saw his girls flying towards him. Jamie-Leigh’s heart gave a little lurch, as she saw the sparkle in his eyes and the love he poured over them in such abundance.

  She took a seat opposite him, the girls between them on the banquette. “What are you going to have?” she asked Emily, holding out the menu in front of the little girl. Emily scooched to the very front of the seat placing her elbows firmly on the table. She studied the words, running her finger under each one and reading them out loud. Jamie-Leigh helped her with the more difficult words, glad to be able to keep her head down and avoid Hank’s gaze.

  Eventually, everyone ordered crab cakes, shrimp, hush puppies, and coleslaw. Emily bounced around on her chair, telling her dad all about the things she had learned in school that week. Casey waited patiently for her little sister to finish, before then launching into her own news. Jamie-Leigh picked anxiously at the seam of the chair. There was a loose strand, and she twirled it, pulling at it and winding it around her fingers. She was glad when the food arrived. Everyone tucked in, a contented silence falling between them as they enjoyed the perfect seafood lunch as they looked out at the gulf.

  “Mom, can I go out to the deck?” Casey asked as she put her knife and fork down, not so much as a scrap of lunch left on her plate.

  “Me, too.” Emily bounced up and down with excitement.

  “Can you take Em?” Jamie-Leigh asked, spotting her chance to tell Hank that this couldn’t ever happen again.

  “Sure,” Casey said agreeably. Hank stood up and let the girls down. Casey took Emily’s hand, and they disappeared between the tables.

  “Thanks for this,” Hank said, reaching over the table and putting his hand over hers as he sat back down.

  “It won’t happen again,” Jamie-Leigh said boldly as she wrenched her hand away. “It isn’t fair, to the girls, to me – to you.”

  “But…” Hank said, his eyes filming over.

  “Hank, this just makes them think that we can be a happy family again, can’t you see that?”

  He sighed and leaned back. “Yes, I’m sorry, Jamie. I didn’t think it through. I just wanted to spend time with them. And you.”

  “I don’t want the gossip start up again. People talking about me behind my back was unbearable before and it’s only just settled back down. I won’t go back to being everyone’s favorite sap.”

  “Sap?” Hank said, his face looking incredulous. “Jamie, they’ve never been talking about you that way. They’ve definitely been saying I was an idiot to ruin what I had, but I’ve heard nobody say anything bad about you.”

  “Why would you? Why would they say to our faces what they’re saying behind our backs? That’s now how that stuff works.”

  “All I ever hear of you, all I’ve ever heard about you, is that you’re smart, successful, and beautiful. And I also hear that I’ve been living above my means my entire life. I know that, because they don’t say it behind my back. Everybody I know has felt it important to say all that right to my face.” Hank sighed, but didn’t look away.

  Jamie-Leigh could see that he wasn’t lying. But, if it was true, why did she feel that conversations stopped when she entered a store, or that eyes were on her wherever she went? She sank back against the banquette, and grimaced. “Hank, none of that matters. Whether people are talking about us, or not, I don’t want to fuel the fires. I can’t do this. I won’t play happy family when we’re anything but that. You can see the girls whenever you want. But, we never do this again. Got it?”

  “Sure.” Hank looked out the window and took a deep breath. “I just… I just hoped that maybe you might see that I’ve changed.”

  “Even if you have, it doesn’t change what you did.” Jamie-Leigh shook her head and narrowed her eyes. “You can’t go back and undo it and I don’t ever want to run the risk of feeling that horrible again. Your affair made me question everything about myself. I don’t think you realize just how you changed. You actually tried to tell me that I was the one who was wrong. Gosh. I still can’t believe you had the nerve.”

  “Oh, Jamie, it was never you. It was me and my inadequacies. You are, and always have been darn near perfect.” Hank’s voice rose as he tried to soothe her.

  “But that’s just it. I’m not even almost perfect. Maybe your expectations have been too high. I don’t know. I’m human. I make mistakes, just like you do.” She took a deep breath and rolled her eyes with a frown. “Okay, maybe my mistakes aren’t quite to the scale yours have been. Forgetting to pick up milk doesn’t quite wreck a family.”

  Hank sighed and dropped his head. “Jamie-Leigh, I get it. I did wreck everything. I’ll go to my grave telling you how sorry I am. I had a three month detachment from my sanity, and I accept that I should have to pay for that. I just… I hoped we could find a way to get past it. The girls deserve both of us.”

  “The girls deserve to know where the boundaries are. They’ll adapt. They’ll still have us both, just not together. Hank, I just can’t do this. Please, don’t ask me to do something like this again and don’t ever put me in a position where I’ll look like the bad guy if I refuse an invitation.”

  Hank looked barely moments from tears, but Jamie-Leigh knew she had to be strong. The girls bounced back to the table and Jamie-Leigh pinned a cheerful smile to her face, and watched as Hank sat up, wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He stood, picking up Emily and whirling her around his head as she shrieked with joy. Casey giggled watching them, and Jamie-Leigh felt mean for ruining what had been a great lunch for the girls.

  She wanted her kids to be happy, and to learn that life could still be great even if their dad wasn’t living with their mom. She
felt like she’d be able to find a way to work with Hank to be good parents. But, she couldn’t act as though everything was the same, and she wouldn’t give Casey and Emily false hope that their parents might reconcile.

  7

  Somehow, Hank managed to live within the boundaries Jamie-Leigh set. Every time he picked up the girls, he longed to fling his arms around her, and cover her face with kisses. But he always restrained himself and was polite and courteous. She in return was sweet and kind, though guarded. Weeks passed, and he thought that things were maybe even starting to get easier. Then the large envelope containing the divorce papers arrived on his doorstep by way of a messenger service.

  He had foolishly hoped that maybe Jamie-Leigh had decided to put it off a little longer. She hadn’t mentioned anything else about moving forward with the divorce, so he’d thought she was taking longer to think about it. But, as he read through the pages of legal language, his feelings were as raw as the night she had thrown him out of the house. He sobbed, so hard he felt like his chest might burst.

  He screwed the papers up and threw them across the room.

  But, that wouldn’t change anything. There would be copies sent to him, until he signed them. He picked them up from where they had fallen behind the sofa, smoothed them out on the table, and looked down at the wrinkled papers again. Hank wanted a drink so badly, he could hardly stand it. Didn’t he deserve a drink on the day he got divorce papers from the only woman he’d ever loved?

  He’d never been a drinker. Until he’d started seeing Amelia. That girl liked to drink and he’d fallen into that age old trap. Following her lead, he drank and made some really bad decisions. Decisions that had ruined his life.

  There was no alcohol in his house. He’d have to make do with a glass of water. He poured a full glass, no ice, and took it to the window where he looked out as he sipped it.

 

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