He was surprised when he saw the neighbor across the street helping his son learn to ride a bike. His wife was standing back, but he could see the anxious look on her face. She was worried about a skinned knee or a scraped elbow. He hadn’t expected to see anyone out there since the street was normally quiet.
He wanted that life again. The life where he lived with his wife and kids. Every day. But, he had taken something perfect and broken it. He recalled Jamie-Leigh’s reminder at The Crab Shack, that she wasn’t perfect. But, to him she always had been. The things she considered faults were just a part of the reason he adored her so much. But, maybe she was right. He had put so much pressure on her, on their relationship, their family, that even the tiniest thing not going as he thought it should had made him doubt himself, doubt them.
Pastor Joseph had helped him to see that he held himself, and others, to an impossible standard. The kindly minister had encouraged Hank to look back and see if there was anything that had happened, before the affair that might have contributed to his behavior. Hank had scoffed. That a minor flaw, or fight, could have made him enter into a destructive and sordid affair had seemed ridiculous. Yet, as he considered it now, Hank began to wonder if there was maybe something in it.
He thought back to when he had been a child. His parents had been a volatile mix, and verbal and physical fights had been common. Hank had learned, very young, that it was best if he kept quiet and out of their way. But, he also knew that he had vowed to never have a relationship like theirs.
Finding someone as sweet and gentle as Jamie-Leigh had seemed like it was meant to be. Their relationship had been loving and tender – a complete polar opposite to the fights and fiery passions of his parents. Yet, there had been a fire in Jamie, too. She was determined and knew who she was. She wouldn’t let anyone get in her way when she believed she was right. She had lost that sense of herself, because of him. He could see that her confidence was low.
The light began to fade, and the family from across the street went inside. Hank went into his tiny kitchen, and pulled a frozen dinner out and shoved it into the microwave. He enjoyed the healthy, home-cooked food at the station, but for just himself, he couldn’t be bothered to go to that trouble. Food had become yet another chore, rather than something to be enjoyed.
He tapped a knife on the counter, as he stared into the refrigerator, trying to decide whether he wanted to go out and get beer or not. He looked up at the ceiling as he struggled with the choice. Finally, he decided against the beer and grabbed a soda from the door, slamming it shut as he twisted the cap off the bottle. The drink fizzed loudly, and a trickle of bubbles escaped the opening on the top of the drink. Hank turned the bottle up and took a big drink.
Thinking back, there had been fights in the weeks leading up to the night he’d met Amelia. Jamie-Leigh had been offered a promotion at work, and Hank had been concerned that the extra hours and greater responsibilities might affect Jamie’s available time with the girls. And him.
He’d said he didn’t want to hold her back. He truly was proud of her for being good at what she did. But, he’d urged her to take everything into consideration before accepting the new responsibilities. She hadn’t seen his point of view, had accused him of being jealous because it would mean that her salary would be bigger than his.
He’d done his best to convince her that she was wrong about his opinion. He’d stressed that he only wanted the best for all of them. The fights had died down, and Hank had considered that the matter was done. Jamie-Leigh had taken the promotion, and had proved she was indeed the Super Woman he’d thought she was. She managed the new job with no blips at home. Not even one.
But, a sudden surge of anger welled up inside Hank. He realized he hadn’t left those fights behind him. He had hated the confrontations. He had shoved his feelings of fear and pain inside, blocking them out. But, for the first time in their long relationship, he had felt there was something Jamie-Leigh simply didn’t, and couldn’t understand. She was no longer perfect. Their relationship was flawed, and he had reacted like the scared little boy he had been listening to his own parents. When Amelia had started to pursue him, he’d been flattered, and it hadn’t been long before he’d given in to her many charms. One of the most appealing things about her was that she wasn’t his perfect wife.
Hank left the now warmed frozen dinner on the kitchen table, grabbed his jacket, and rushed out of the house. He ran to his SUV and drove straight to the church. The front doors were open, and he burst through them. He hadn’t expected anyone to be there, but to his surprise, Jamie-Leigh was kneeling up by the altar, her hands folded before her in prayer. She looked up, her eyes wide. “Hey,” she said, coming to her feet. “Pastor Joseph is in his office.”
“Well, I came to get his advice, but to be honest I think that maybe you’re the person I really needed to see,” Hank said sheepishly.
“Divine providence that I just happened to be here?” Jamie-Leigh said with a shrug, though her eyes were wary.
“Maybe,” Hank said, moving closer to her. He could smell her perfume, a blend of rose and jasmine, with just a hint of lemon. “I got the papers.”
“Oh.”
“I’ll sign them. I’m not here to try and convince you to give me another chance. That hasn’t worked so far, so I don’t imagine it will now. But, you said the other day that you wanted to know why I did it.”
She nodded. “I did say that.”
“Well, I had a strange realization as I read through the divorce papers. Between something you said, and my sessions with Pastor Joseph, I figured out that it all didn’t just happen.” He looked away, clearly miserable.
Jamie-Leigh didn’t respond, but waited on him to continue.
“And just so you know, I’m more than aware that understanding why it happened doesn’t mean that I’m not responsible. And it doesn’t take your pain away.”
She nodded, again not responding.
“And of course, I should never have done it no matter the reason. But, I was weak and I am so very sorry for that.”
“I know you are,” Jamie-Leigh said, putting a hand on his arm. She urged him to take a seat in the first pew. He turned to face her.
“Jamie-Leigh, you know that my parents divorced when I was sixteen. What you maybe didn’t know, because I never told anyone, was that they had been fighting for years. They were one of those couples that just seemed to thrive off antagonism. But, I hated it. I hated how they never had a kind word for each other. I wanted a loving family. You know, like the families you saw on TV. The Brady Bunch, the Waltons. I thought that was what all families were supposed to be like. They never seemed to have big arguments and issues were always dealt with together.”
“I understand that,” Jamie-Leigh said. “But, no family is really like that. At least not day in and day out. People disagree. Getting through the issues is what makes a family strong.”
“I know that. But, I think actually making it work is a challenge for me. I’ve never seen it work before.”
“And our fights about my promotion made you afraid we were going to become like your parents?” Jamie-Leigh asked perceptively.
Hank nodded. “Maybe. I think something inside me had already decided that our relationship was doomed, so what was the point in trying to make it work.”
“Hmm. I don’t know. It’s a big leap, Hank.”
“I know, and I’m not even sure if it holds any relevance at all. But maybe that can help you stop blaming yourself, because none of this was your fault. You said you could make the promotion work, and you did. You deserve that promotion along with every penny you earn.”
“I always knew you were just pointing out the things that could be a problem, Hank. I never thought of our discussions about it as arguments,” Jamie-Leigh said, thoughtfully.
“In my mind I blew them up into full-on fights. Since we’d never fought before, I think I just went crazy seeing something in the future that wasn’t going to happen.
”
“Okay, so you were mad at me. Worried about our future. Whatever. How does that cause you to sleep with someone else?”
“The way I felt, there was no hope. I was so unhappy. My future looked horrible. I had a chance for a diversion. What felt like happiness, even though it wasn’t. It was only about me. Selfish.”
She looked at the floor and took a long, deep breath. As she let it out slowly, a tear escaped and ran down her cheek. She wiped it away, but didn’t look up at him.
“Look, I know how lame that all sounds. Hearing myself say those words makes me want to scream. But it’s really what happened. I went off the deep end and I’m so, so sorry. If I could do it all again, I’d change everything about all off it.”
“I know you’re sorry. Thank you for telling me,” Jamie-Leigh said softly, standing up to leave.
“I want you to stop blaming yourself. None of it was about you – ever. It was all my selfishness. Please, Jamie, I know you can’t forget and that I’ll never be able to make it up to you, but I want you to forgive yourself. Don’t let my failing rob you of who you are.”
There were still tears in her eyes as Jamie-Leigh hurried up the aisle and out of the church. Hank leaned back against the pew and sighed heavily.
“You did a good thing,” Pastor Joseph said, coming out of the shadows. Hank shrugged. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to listen in. I only heard the last part,” Pastor Joseph added.
“I came here to tell you, anyway, and I know Jamie-Leigh trusts you, too,” Hank said standing up and moving towards the pastor.
“Have you forgiven yourself, yet?”
“I’ve a little way to go on that, Pastor,” Hank admitted with a wry smile. “I’m coming to understand what I did was driven by feelings and fears I should have addressed a long time ago. They’re things I should have overcome, but I didn’t recognize it soon enough. And now, I have to learn to live with something I’ll always regret.”
“If I can help you with them, you know where to find me.” Pastor Joseph patted him on the back reassuringly.
“I know, Pastor Joseph, and I am grateful to you,” Hank said as he turned and made his way outside. He felt as though a heavy load had been lifted from his shoulders. There was still a burden to be carried, but it had been halved because he knew he had done the right thing, and been honest with himself, and with Jamie-Leigh.
8
“Mom, look!” Emily shouted, as Casey crossed the line first at her track meet. “Casey won.”
“Yes, she did,” Jamie-Leigh said, smiling as Casey looked up to the bleachers, grinned and waved at them. “She’s always been very fast. But, you, munchkin, are the best baker in town.” Emily beamed as Jamie-Leigh helped herself to a cookie out of the tin that had come home from school with her youngest daughter. The cookies really were good.
“Are there enough left for me to have one of those?” Hank’s deep voice asked, as he moved along the row and sat down in front of them. Emily grinned happily and passed him the tin of cookies.
“I made them all by myself,” she said proudly. “But Miss Ellison put them in the oven and took them back out when the timer went off.”
Hank took a cookie and bit into it. “Well, these are really good, Em,” he said taking another one.
“I think you had better take them away from your dad, Em, or there will be none left for Casey, and I think she deserves some, don’t you?” Jamie-Leigh said gently. Emily nodded and took the tin away from her dad and put the lid on carefully. She tucked the cookies back into her backpack. “I didn’t think you were going to be here today.”
“After all these years, I’ve finally found Merv’s weak spot. It’s you and the girls. He gave me a few hours today. I couldn’t miss Casey’s biggest race of the season. But I only just got here on time. The traffic getting out of Galveston was crazy.”
“All that time on the road. Why didn’t you find a place in Galveston when you got your new place?”
“I want to be as close to you guys. I don’t mind the long commute in to work. I never have, you know that.”
“Because I wanted to stay here and bring up our girls in a town where I knew everyone,” Jamie-Leigh said.
“Because that was what I wanted for them, too, Jamie-Leigh. We made the choice to be here long before we had the girls. I wanted to be a fire fighter, and we only have a volunteer station here in Orchard Springs. So, Galveston is it. That or taking some other day job and being on the volunteer squad.”
“Oh, I know. It works for you. I’m glad I have flexibility to work from home if I need to,” Jamie-Leigh conceded, as Emily bounced down the bleachers to greet Casey.
“I may have messed everything up, but we did great with them, didn’t we?” Hank said, his eyes filled with love as he looked at their daughters hugging.
“Yes, we did,” Jamie-Leigh said with a smile. “They are such great kids.” She tucked her hair behind her ears, and stood up to give Casey a hug. “You were awesome,” she said hugging Casey tightly.
“Dad, did you see?” Casey said turning to hug her father.
“I did. You’re a great runner. You’ll win State, hands down,” Hank said. Casey beamed proudly.
“Aw, I doubt it. There’s a girl from St Jude’s. Everyone says she is amazing,” Casey said.
“Well, win or lose, we’ll love you no matter what,” Jamie-Leigh said, picking up Emily’s backpack. “Do you both have everything? We should get home, your Gran’s coming over for supper tonight.”
“Mom’s coming over?” Hank said, looking surprised.
“Yep, she said she’d watch them for me tonight. I have a thing for work.”
“Oh. I would’ve had them,” Hank said, feeling a little put out that Jamie-Leigh hadn’t asked him.
“I know, but I knew you were on shift. I didn’t know you were going to get the afternoon off, so I asked your mom. She was delighted to get a chance to spend some time with them. I think she thought that maybe I’d cut her out because of… because of what had happened. I don’t want her to feel that way.”
“That’ll make her feel better, I’m sure. She loves the girls so much. And, since Dad passed on last year, she needs the company. I know all they ever did was fight, but I guess they did love each other,” Hank said.
Jamie-Leigh nodded. The girls were skipping ahead of them. “Do you think losing him might have been part of the reason why you felt so detached when you – well, you know.”
“When I had the affair?” Hank slowed as he thought about it. “It’s possible. I had some really confused feelings about his death. Dad’s temper sometimes got a little more than vocal – and that made it hard to see him as anything other than a loudmouth jerk.”
“Oh, Hank,” Jamie-Leigh cried out, and then stifled her voice as Casey turned and frowned at them. “Why didn’t you tell me that?” she whispered.
“I wanted to bury it. I suppose in many ways I did. I didn’t want it to be a part of my future,” Hank admitted. “It was easier to just forget it and move on.”
“But, it’s clear he’s still there, making you pay for his cruelty. Hank, you have to learn to forgive him, your Mom – and yourself, or you are going to keep making the same mistakes over and over again,” Jamie-Leigh said, placing a hand on Hank’s arm. He stopped walking and turned to look her in the eyes.
“Even now, you’re trying to help me, Jamie. I never did deserve you, but I am so glad you let me be a part of your life,” Hank said, leaning down and pressing a kiss to her cheek. He hovered for a moment, their eyes locked. Jamie-Leigh held her breath, not knowing if she wanted him to kiss her, or to pull away.
It seemed like forever before he finally drew back. Jamie-Leigh bit at her lower lip, and Hank shoved his hands deep into his pockets, looking like a shy teenager who didn’t know whether he’d just missed the chance to steal a kiss. “I should go,” he said, awkwardly.
“Yeah,” Jamie-Leigh said. “I should get the girls home and ready for your mom.”
“Are we still okay for me to take them to see the new superhero movie on Friday night?” he said, as he began to walk towards his SUV.
“Sure, the early showing?” Jamie-Leigh clarified, relieved to be able to move onto more stable ground. For a moment there, she had felt adrift, as if everything she thought she knew no longer mattered.
“Yep, I’ll be over right after they get in from school. Can I take them for burgers at the diner, too?” he asked, giving her a hopeful, boyish smile.
She grinned. “They’re soon going to despise me, I never take them anywhere fun and I make them eat healthy food.”
“Aw, come on. They know you’re the one there for them when they need a parent most, and always will be, Jamie.” Hank said, his voice thick with emotion.
Jamie-Leigh could feel a lump forming in her throat. She sucked in her breath and tried to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. “Girls, come and say goodbye to your dad,” she called out. Casey and Emily skipped towards them, and Hank swept them both up into his arms, covering their faces with kisses.
“I’ll see you both, Friday,” he promised them as he set them down and got into his SUV.
Jamie-Leigh stood with an arm around each daughter as they waved him off. She felt utterly bewildered. She had begun to believe that she was finally getting over Hank, but then she’d spend a few moments with him and she felt herself leaning back towards him, her heart longing for him.
She had never realized that he had grown up in such a turbulent environment, and it broke her heart to think that he had never felt able to tell her about it before. She had failed him, because she’d never even thought there could be anything so painful buried inside him.
She made her way home, where Sheila was already waiting for them. “You go and get yourself ready,” Hank’s mom said, cuddling her granddaughters. “I’ll make them some supper, and then we can play some games, right girls?”
You Can Go Home (Christian Second Chance Romance) Page 5
