Tweenache in the Time of Hashtags

by Judy Balan

  I’m blogging from Mom’s computer and her email is open as I type. Should I? Shouldn’t I? The temptation is tangible. I can hear my heart go thud-thud in my ears to the point of blocking out all other noise. ‘Don’t do it, Nina, this is wrong,’ I’m telling myself. But there’s another equally rational voice saying, ‘It’s not like you’re reading ALL her mails. This is just so you can sleep!’

  ‘Why are you blogging on Mom’s computer, psycho?’ Nikki’s voice from right behind me jolts me back into reality and I jump. ‘Oh my god, I see my name there! Are you typing what I’m saying?’

  ‘Yep!’ I say. This is so much fun. I must try this again.

  ‘You still haven’t answered my question: What are you doing on Mom’s computer?’ She’s persistent. Must distract her. Good that she has her back to me now. She can’t see what I’m typing.

  ‘You all set for the play?’ I say, hoping to change the subject.

  ‘Nope,’ she says. ‘But what choice do I have? Dhruv refuses to even look at me when we’re not onstage. Whatever. I just want to get it over with.’

  ‘How did today’s rehearsals go?’

  ‘Bad. I keep making the same mistake over and over. You know that part where I’m supposed to twirl really fast and land gracefully, with my palms flat on the bench? Well, I can’t seem to get that right because I’m so worried about ramming into Dhruv and I end up landing on the floor. So tired of making an ass of myself. I was doing it right in the beginning, but it’s all been wrong since we fought.’

  Sigh. What do I tell her?

  ‘Has Ashwin Uncle called?’ she asks.

  ‘Not that I know of.’

  ‘You think he’ll come to the play?’

  I feel really bad now. He’d better come. It’s the least he can do after all the drama. Also, I wish they’d just tell us just what’s going on. You know, parents think they’re protecting their kids by keeping things from us, but the secrets hurt us so much more because in our over-imaginative heads, everything looks a hundred times bigger, badder and scarier.

  DING-DING-DING. The chat window on Mom’s email pops up, and before I can figure out what’s happening, I happen to read what is in there. No, I know what you’re thinking. This is NOT snooping. I mean, it’s right here in my face, and it’s from Ashwin Uncle, and he’s typing in ALL CAPS.

  - I DON’T LIKE THIS

  - WE SHOULD TELL THE GIRLS

  - I’M SURE BY NOW THEY’VE MADE IT WORSE THAN IT IS IN THEIR HEADS ANYWAY

  Say what you will, but I think this is BLG rewarding me for NOT snooping. So now I just have to wait it out. I’m not drawing Nikki’s attention to it though because I don’t want her to be an accomplice in my non-crime.

  22

  Season Finalé

  Posted by Nina on 21 December 2014 at 12.01 p.m.

  I’m telling you, my life feels more and more like a sitcom. And if it were one, last night was definitely the perfect episode for a season finalé. You know? When the story reaches culmination but also hints at more drama and laughter to come? That. But I won’t ruin it for you. You should hear this from the beginning.

  I had a vague sense of déjà vu as I sat in the school auditorium with Grandma, Grandpa, Mom and Ashwin Uncle. We were waiting for Nikki’s play to begin, but I had that same stomach-churning sensation that I had last year when Diddy Blood went up onstage to sing about my mom at our annual day function: this sense that something unpleasant was about to happen and I couldn’t quite place my finger on it. I hoped Nikki wouldn’t trip and fall, and made a quick prayer to BLG.

  ‘Was she nervous? Was she upset? Was she not getting it right?’ It suddenly hit Mom that she had been completely absent from Nikki’s life during this Dhruv phase and went on her usual guiltathon after missing opportunities to be nurturing and mother-hen-like and hating herself for it. I think it’s high time Mom just accepted that she isn’t a nurturing, mother hen and that’s OKAY. She’s our mom. We’re going to love her even if she dressed like Lady Gaga. I think it’s stupid pressure like this that turns some parents – like Anna’s mom – into monsters. If parents could simply see that we will love them anyway, there won’t be such a thing as a tiger mom or a helicopter mom or whatever else.

  ‘Relaaaax, Ritz. She’s going to be fine. And if she isn’t, we’ll make fun of her till she sees the humour in it,’ Ashwin Uncle said to Mom and touched her hand reassuringly. I watched amazed. You had to be there but he sounded different. There was a tenderness in his tone that used to be totally absent with Mom before. Or at least it was absent when we were around. I couldn’t wait for the big ‘talk with the girls’. I had a feeling they weren’t going to tell us anything we didn’t already know, but I still wanted to hear it.

  It was show time and we all stood up and cheered for Nikki when she emerged onstage, totally embarrassing her. And I know this might sound biased coming from me, but she was the most ravishing dark and twisted Red Riding Hood ever. The performers were brilliant, the energy in the room pulsating, and the chemistry between the Wolf and Red Riding Hood – uff!

  You know that part in the movies where the hero and heroine are not together for some reason, but then they end up watching a movie together or hearing someone else sing a song and it feels like it’s about them, and suddenly, longing looks are exchanged from across the room and before we know it, they are dancing in the cornfields? Yeah, this was something like that. Because in the story, Red Riding Hood initially judges the Wolf and turns him away, but later realizes that he’s just her soulmate mirroring her darkest qualities and she pursues him, begging his forgiveness. Yes, I know, it’s very twisted, but the great music and amazing chemistry (ahem) made it sound like a great story. Grandpa didn’t agree. He kept going, ‘This is not the story of Red Riding Hood,’ every ten minutes and annoying everybody in our row.

  Everything was going better than I had imagined, but as we drew closer to the twirling-and-landing-on-bench scene, I grew visibly tense. All right, I covered my eyes with both hands as though watching a horror movie.

  ‘What? What?’ Mom panicked. ‘What’s happening? Is she going to die? Does the Wolf kill her?’

  ‘No, Mom,’ I said.

  ‘TELL ME!’ she said aloud and the aunties in the front row tch-tched us.

  ‘Nothing, she wasn’t able to get a particular move right and I’m scared she might land on the floor.’

  ‘Oh my god, what move?’

  ‘Shhhhhh!’ Ashwin Uncle said. We were almost there. I slowly moved just one finger off my right eye so I could get a tiny view of the stage. Before you point out that this is irrational, I want to let you know that yes, I’m aware of it, but it’s a comforting reflex and I’ve learnt to respect it. Not everything that feels good makes sense.

  And the moment arrived. Nikki was twirling as the chorus sang about how wrong she was about the Wolf and would do anything to take it back, and my heart descended into the pit of my stomach as I watched the whole thing in slow motion. A collective gasp swept through the auditorium just as she was about to land on the floor. But, just like in the movies, the magnificent Wolf decided to go rogue and came striding into the middle of the stage to catch her. Everyone knew he had improvised and the audience burst into applause and then a standing ovation, as the Wolf caught our Dark Heroine in one smooth and literally sweeping-off-the-feet manoeuvre. The old formula had worked yet again as Dhruv saw Nikki in Red Riding Hood and decided to accept her apology. Well, it was a good thing, because had he been waiting for Nikki to apologize any more than she had, he would have had to wait a good long time to come.

  ‘They’re so cute,’ Mom sniffled when the show was over. ‘Now let’s hope she has the good sense to not run after the next shiny boy and he doesn’t end up having commitment issues or mommy issues or whatever other colourful issues there are. Let’s hope they figure it out sooner.’

  ‘Now where’s the fun in that?’ Ashwin Uncle said.

  I smiled to myself. I was beginning to get
the feeling that I wasn’t quite following this conversation. But I liked that I wasn’t. It was the best kind of left-out I’ve ever felt. If that makes sense.

  These Complicated Grownups

  Posted by Nina on 21 December 2014 at 5.26 p.m.

  A proxy kiss is one where you feel the euphoria of a kiss without having been kissed yourself. It’s the rush you feel when the hero and heroine in your favourite novel finally stop playing hide-and-seek and kiss! In my case, it was listening to Nikki recount the story of her first kiss with Dhruv.

  ‘Oh my gosh,’ I said, almost quaking, as we sat up in bed later that night.

  ‘Stop overreacting, psycho. It’s creepy!’

  ‘Shut up,’ I said. ‘I want to know more. Was it a short muah or long and gross like they show in the movies? With tongue and all?’

  ‘Nope, never going to tell you that.’ She switched off the bedside lamp. ‘Good night!’ I couldn’t sleep. I kept tossing and turning. ‘Arrrrrgggh.’ She turned to my side again. ‘You’re not going to let me sleep, are you?’

  ‘I CAN’T sleep! I have to know it all!’ I said truthfully.

  ‘All right, fine. What do you want to know?’

  I sat up in bed, all excited. ‘How did it happen? What led to the kiss?’

  ‘Well, I was still in my costume and on my way to the green room to get changed, when we bumped into each other in the corridor.’

  I tried not to gasp in excitement as I waited for the whole story. I had never felt this way before. I was glad I was getting practice because I wouldn’t want to act like this during my first kiss. I’d want to be cool and nonchalant.

  ‘And I had had a long speech prepared.’

  ‘You did?’ I said. I didn’t think my dark goth sister had it in her to do anything romantic and moving.

  ‘Yeah. I had an apology prepared and I had rehearsed it several times before the bathroom mirror as well. So I stuttered, trying to get the words out when he just grabbed my face and kissed me,’ she said.

  I sighed in happiness, but it sounded like a squeal. ‘Oh my gosh! But did you kiss him back?’

  ‘Of course I did!’

  ‘How did you know how to?’ I said.

  ‘It’s not something you take an online course for! It just happens on its own!’

  ‘Wow,’ I said. ‘But, but you exchanged germs? Yikes!’

  ‘All right, that’s it, GOOD NIGHT!’ She threw a pillow at me and the bedroom door flew open at the same time.

  ‘You girls still up?’ Mom said, turning on the light.

  ‘Yeah, come in!’ I called back and Mom and Ashwin Uncle entered the room together.

  Nikki and I exchanged a look. It said, ‘This is it, this IS IT!’

  ‘Soooo,’ Mom said as we both made room on our beds for the two of them to sit.

  ‘We owe you girls an explanation for what happened at your dad’s wedding,’ Ashwin Uncle said.

  ‘Oh, screw it,’ Nikki said. ‘We already know and it doesn’t matter.’

  ‘What? What do you know?’ Mom said. I didn’t know what she knew either.

  ‘Well, you know? You and dad were together and it didn’t work out because you two’ – she pointed at Mom and Ashwin Uncle – ‘fell in love or something. It’s a very old story and it happens. No big deal. It’s in the past. Already forgotten.’

  ‘Yeah, that’s not what happened,’ Ashwin Uncle said.

  ‘It’s not?’ I asked. I was so relieved to hear that Ashwin Uncle may not have had anything to do with my parents splitting up.

  ‘Yeah, see, Ashwin and I started going out when I was in college. I was a little older than you, Nik,’ Mom said as we listened intently.

  ‘But then we were young and stupid,’ Ashwin Uncle continued with that faraway look that heroes have as the scene goes into flashback mode.

  ‘Well, I was young and he was stupid,’ Mom interjected and we smiled. It was so nice to consider the fact that Mom was once like us. ‘Anyway,’ Mom said. ‘We broke up so many times it kind of became a habit.’

  ‘But we were kind of always sure that we’d end up together, I guess,’ Ashwin Uncle said. ‘But then …’

  ‘You met Dad!’ Nikki and I said in unison. So Dad was the villain in the story, not the other way around. Oh.

  ‘Yep,’ Mom said.

  ‘But you married him!’ Nikki said.

  ‘And you LET her!’ I said, shooting Ashwin Uncle an accusatory look.

  ‘Well, I’m a big believer in letting people make their own mistakes,’ he said.

  Mom snorted. ‘Yeah, right. He was not nearly as cool and macho as he is now. He was sobbing like a baby.’

  ‘Then WHY?’ I said.

  ‘He didn’t want to get married,’ Mom said, and I remembered that talk I had had last year with Ashwin Uncle when he told me the same thing.

  ‘But that’s such a stupid reason for you to marry someone else,’ Nikki said.

  ‘Thank you, I rest my case,’ Ashwin Uncle said.

  ‘But why should marrying someone be scary if you love them and want them to be in your life always?’ I asked. ‘It’s not like I’m afraid to be Nikki’s sister or Mom’s daughter! Why should this be any different? Isn’t a wife or a husband simply the family you CHOOSE?’

  ‘Listen to my fount of wisdom!’ Mom said, pinching my cheeks and Ashwin Uncle smiled.

  ‘Some day, monkey. You might understand some day,’ he said.

  ‘But wait. What happened with Dad?’ Nikki asked.

  ‘Well, without calling him names, I will just say that it was a match made in hell,’ Mom said. ‘But I didn’t want to give up because it became about winning and proving a point to THIS jerk!’ she said and Ashwin Uncle took a bow. ‘So I tried to make it work and it was finally working. Your dad and I were getting along great and things were moving forward when our hero decided to declare his undying love for me.’

  ‘Awwww,’ we both said. At this point, they all became characters in a story and we were rooting for the guy and the girl who had been in love since college.

  ‘So you left Dad?’ Nikki asked.

  ‘Yes,’ Mom said and sounded apologetic.

  ‘How did he take it?’ I said.

  ‘He was heartbroken,’ Mom admitted. ‘He was angry, understandably. But then, he reacted in such psychotic ways he made me forget I ever cared about him.’

  ‘But wait a minute,’ I said. ‘Didn’t you say something about some awful thing that Ashwin Uncle did? What was that?’

  ‘He didn’t marry me! After all the drama! He made me leave your dad and didn’t marry me!’ Mom said.

  ‘Yeah, that’s just douchey,’ Nikki said.

  ‘Hey!’ Ashwin Uncle said. ‘I never said anything about marriage. She assumed that!’

  ‘You really want to have that fight again?’ Mom said.

  We all sighed but it was relief. ‘SO. You guys finally figured it out. It’s only taken, what, eighteen years?’

  ‘Nineteen,’ Mom said.

  ‘Yeah, you shouldn’t be so proud,’ I said. ‘I’m so glad you’re happy, Mom.’ I hugged her. ‘I want you to be happy.’ And then we all group-hugged and told each other mushy stuff we knew we’d be embarrassed about in the morning.

  ‘God, I hope, it doesn’t take me nineteen years to figure out whom I’m in love with,’ Nikki said as Mom and Ashwin Uncle made their way out of the room.

  ‘In LOVE?’ Mom said and they were both back inside. ‘Darling, we’re not in LOVE.’

  ‘Nah,’ Ashwin Uncle backed her up.

  Nikki and I exchanged a look that said, ‘What just happened?’

  ‘Yeah, no, we just have a lot of history and we are fond of each other …’ Mom failed at explaining.

  ‘Fond? This is what you call fondness?’ Nikki said.

  ‘Yeah, well, we like each other strongly,’ Mom said as Nikki and I rolled our eyes.

  ‘And we don’t want to make any sudden moves or rush into things,’ Ashwin Uncle said.
>
  ‘It’s been nineteen years!’ I said. ‘If you took it any slower, you’d have no CHOICE but to be with each other because you would have driven each other MENTAL by then.’

  ‘So, what’s the plan?’ Nikki asked. ‘What was this drama all about? What are you guys going to do now?’

  ‘Well, we’ve decided to casually date and see if we still have sparks,’ Mom said.

  Nikki and I exchanged another look: ‘This is a job for a professional psychotherapist, not us!’

  ‘Okay, then,’ I said.

  ‘Okay, then,’ Mom said.

  ‘It’s all okay, then,’ Ashwin Uncle said.

  ‘Okay,’ Nikki said and they finally closed the door and made their way out. ‘Do you ever get the feeling that the authority figures in our lives don’t have the slightest clue what they are doing?’ Nikki asked after we had turned off the lights and settled in.

  ‘All the time,’ I said.

  23

  How to Lose Like a Boss

  Posted by Nina on 22 December 2014 at 6.35 p.m.

  ‘Congratulations, Anna!’ I said, giving her the mother of all hugs after the winner of the exchange programme was announced and the class was busy crowding around their new star. And while my heart sank to my stomach, I was surprised at just how genuinely happy I was for my friend.

  ‘Hey, loser,’ a familiar voice interrupted my thoughts. I turned around. It was Akaash, standing with his arms wide open. I ran right into them because I didn’t want him to see me all teary-eyed.

  ‘I believe the word you’re looking for is “sport”,’ I said.

  ‘Nah, I like losers. They are the best people to be up to no good with.’

  ‘Class, get back here! We’re not done with the announcements!’ Ms Dorothy D’Souza called at the top of her voice as the class dragged its feet to the room again.

  ‘Any guesses what it might be?’ she asked the class.

  ‘No school tomorrow!’ they all screamed back and the teachers laughed.

  ‘Nope, this is so much better!’ she said. ‘I’m sure you all remember the deeply moving speech that Nina made.’ I gulped. What was happening? I thought they had already announced the winner. Was it a tie? I didn’t want to get my hopes up.