by Kyra Lennon
“We met up yesterday,” Jen said, sounding shocked I didn’t know. Looking at her, the small smirk quirking her lip told me she’d made that comment knowing exactly how I’d feel about it. “We had coffee.”
Radleigh got to his feet and spun around to face her. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why can’t you do anything without causing trouble?”
“Darling, you shouldn’t be lying to Leah. You’re four months from getting married. It’s not healthy to keep secrets, you know?”
I didn’t look up, but I didn’t need to. The room grew cold with the force of his anger and he snarled, “Get. Out.”
There was another pause before I heard her shuffle around for her bag, then her footsteps padded across the carpet. I didn’t raise my head until I heard the front door close.
“Before I lose my temper over this,” I began, “do you want to explain what she just said?”
He turned to me again, his jaw still clenched, but he wasn’t mad at me. He was mad at Jen for blurting out their little secret, and as he took a few deep breaths, the anger slowly eased.
“Leah… it’s not how it sounds. I didn’t…. I mean… I-”
“You met her,” I finished for him.
“No. I mean… I did, but it wasn’t like I planned it. She planned it. She just… she said she wanted to talk about Jayden and what would happen if… if I am his father.”
I shook my head. “I don’t care that you saw her. I care that you didn’t tell her you could discuss those things if and when they became necessary. But mostly I care that you didn’t tell me. Just like you didn’t tell me she was here. And that she claimed you fathered her child.”
The reminder that it was no longer just a claim made my stomach lurch and I paused at the ache in my heart.
“I was with her for less than fifteen minutes,” he said. “I didn’t think it mattered.”
Except the expression on his face, the guilt, the fact he wouldn’t look me in the eye told me otherwise.
“What part of us telling each other everything have you forgotten?” I asked, quietly. “You said you wouldn’t keep anything from me again, and yet, here we are. You knew how I would feel about it.” I stood up. “You know how I feel about this whole thing, and by not telling me, you’re giving her the power to tear us apart.” I walked towards him and reached up to place my hands on his shoulders. “Why? Why didn’t you tell me?”
He looked up at me slowly. “Because I didn’t want to deal with this. Because I didn’t want you to get upset over something that wasn’t important.”
My hands dropped to my sides and I shook my head as I turned away from him. “You don’t get it, do you? You still don’t understand.” I paused. “Or maybe you do. Maybe you understand but you’re lying to yourself.”
That part deep inside me that feared Jen, feared what she could do to our relationship, ripped its way out of my body, making every fibre of me hurt. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be okay with all this and take it in my stride but I couldn’t silence the fear that somewhere, buried beneath his protests about how much he hated her, he still felt something. Something that might only strengthen now they shared a son.
But you share a daughter. You’re getting married.
Yet true as that was, it didn’t settle the doubts.
“This is why, Leah.” I turned to look at him as he continued. “You think I still care about her. I can see it every time you look at me. Every time you’ve looked at me since she’s been back. I thought if I told you I saw her, it would only make you believe it more.”
“You lying is what makes me believe it, Radleigh. If you came to me and said you’d seen her, she wouldn’t have been able to throw it into the conversation. You know what she’s like. You know how much she loves trouble. Yet you still gave her the opportunity to create more.”
Silence hung in the air between us, both of us staring, waiting for the other to speak. Eventually, without taking my eyes away from his, I said, “I need some space. I think we need some space. I… I’m gonna check in to a hotel for a couple of days.”
Radleigh’s brow furrowed. “What? Why?” He took a few steps towards me. “Leah, come on. I don’t want this.” He shook his head, running his hands through his hair. “I don’t want any of this.”
“You think I do? You think I want to deal with all the changes that are going to happen? We’re talking about adding an extra person to our family, trying to figure out how we do that, and trying to figure out how we keep Jen from ripping us apart.”
“You think leaving is going to help us? How is that going to help us figure anything out?”
“I’m not leaving, baby,” I said, more softly. “I just need a couple of days.”
“I need you.” Radleigh took my hand. “I just found out I have another kid. You’re just gonna leave me here to process that?”
“I’m still here for you. But, Radleigh, I can’t just shrug off the fact that you’ve kept things from me. I can’t pretend I’m okay with that. I love you but… I can’t be near you right now.”
I pulled my hand away from his and turned to leave the room.
“No,” he said, and I stopped. “If you want some space, I’ll go stay with Mom and Dad. Everything you need for Jessica is here. It makes more sense for me to go. But I will be back. In a few days, I’ll be back. And then we’re gonna work this out.”
**
Radleigh packed a bag and left the house within an hour. His departure was… uneventful. We did kiss goodbye, and we both said ‘I love you’ but there was nothing dramatic. No fight. And I was relieved. Did I really want to be apart from him? Not at all. But I did need the space. We both did. He might have thought lying to me was harmless but the truth was… how could it be? His reasons made sense to him, and to a degree, I understood, but when it came down to it, regardless of how he thought I’d have reacted, he still should have told me. He should have taken the risk of me flipping out over giving her the chance to spring it on me.
As I sat at the kitchen table with a glass of red wine, I sighed to myself. The house seemed empty without Radleigh. Jessica was asleep, and just me alone… I felt a little lost. Lost and deflated. Maybe this was a snapshot. A preview of what my life might become. Deep down, I knew he would be back. That was the only thing that kept me from letting the tears fall, but the realisation that Jen clearly still had some kind of hold over him… that was a truth I couldn’t ignore.
The doorbell rang, and with another sigh, I decided to ignore it. It couldn’t be Jen this time – not unless she’d been standing outside for an hour. Deranged as she was, I didn’t think even she was that crazy. Nope. Had to be one of my friends, and I wasn’t in the mood for sharing what had happened just yet. I wanted to wallow with my glass of wine. Maybe two.
My phone buzzed beside me and I picked it up, rolling my eyes when I saw the message.
Leah, let me in.
Bryce. Well, that told me he hadn’t just dropped by to see Radleigh. If he had and there was no answer, he’d have left. Radleigh must have told him.
Another buzz.
Leah!
I pressed my hands against the table top to heave myself up and walked to the door to open it. Bryce stood there, his phone in his hand, looking like he’d been about to text me again. He shoved it in his back jeans pocket and stared at me.
“What?” I asked. My voice wasn’t harsh or angry. More empty and quiet.
Without a word, Bryce stepped inside and wrapped his arms around me, pushing the door shut with a backwards kick. My head nestled against his chest as I circled my arms around his waist and sagged against him. A hug from Bryce was second only to being in Radleigh’s arms, and I let him hold me tight.
“Did Radleigh send you?” I mumbled.
“Yes. But if he hadn’t, I would have come anyway.”
With another sigh, I pulled away from him. “Aren’t you supposed to be with him? Supporting him?”
Bryce shook his head. “I thi
nk you need me more than he does.”
“I’m fine, Bryce.”
I turned away from him and walked back towards the kitchen, back to the temptation of my glass of wine.
“Sure you are,” I heard him mutter as he followed me.
Before I sat, I nodded towards one of the kitchen cupboards. “Wine?”
“Not for me.” Instead of reaching for a glass, he went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water then we both sat down at the kitchen table where I quickly picked up my own drink and took another gulp.
“Okay.” I swirled my wine around in the glass, watching the ruby liquid as it splashed gently against the sides. “Say it. Tell me I’m an idiot and I’m making things worse.”
I risked a glace up at him, and he raised his eyebrows. “I don’t think things could get much worse, Leah. But now you mention it, I think the last thing you and Radleigh need is to be apart right now.”
“I appreciate your honesty, but… he told you why I’m upset, right?”
He nodded. “He told me. And in spite of what you might think, he does understand. And he knows he was wrong. But he wants more than anything to be back here with you and Jessica.”
“It’s just a couple of nights, Bryce. Just so I can think. And so he can think, too.”
“About what? He knows where he wants to be. That’s never been in question.”
“Maybe you think that.” I placed my glass on the table, sickness creeping over me and taking away the desire to drink another drop. “But the truth is, I don’t know. And I’m not sure he knows either.”
Bryce placed his hand on mine and I looked up at him. “You’re not being fair.”
“Fair?” I snatched my hand away and stood up. “Nothing about this is fair. Least of all him lying to me.”
“Fine. He lied. That was a dick move. But don’t let Jen come between you. That’s what she wants, Leah. It’s who she is. For her, nothing’s worthwhile if it doesn’t cause maximum destruction.”
“She didn’t do this to us. I mean, yeah, she didn’t have to come here and say what she did, but it wasn’t her who tried to hide it from me. We promised each other, Bryce. No more secrets. Ever. But he lied to me. Twice.”
“Leah, you’ve got to understand how hard this is for him. How would you feel if the first person you ever loved came back into your life with a huge bombshell? Wouldn’t you have wanted to some time to process before talking to Radleigh about it?”
Bryce’s question stopped me in my tracks. Luke. Maybe he wasn’t even someone I truly loved. But he was the first person who popped into my head, and the only guy aside from Radleigh who had ever had the power to get under my skin. If he rocked up in Westberg with apologies, telling me he’d made a mistake and that he regretted the way he treated me, would I have told Radleigh right away?
“Maybe,” I said. “But I wouldn’t have taken so long about it, especially knowing that person had the power to make the situation worse if he got to Radleigh before I did. She’s poison, Bryce. And he should have known better.”
Bryce nodded. “He should have. And he messed up. I’m just asking you to see this from his point of view for a second. He’s just found out he has another child. And you threw him out.”
“Is that what he said?”
“No. He said you wanted some space, but what’s happened is that you’ve thrown him out. So now he’s at his parents’ place trying to deal with all this shit on his own.”
I fixed Bryce with a glare. “Don’t turn this on me. I never said he couldn’t talk to me about that. I never said he couldn’t talk to me. Me needing space has nothing to do with Jayden.”
“No?”
I wasn’t absolutely sure I recognised the man in front of me. Bryce had played mediator between Radleigh and me more than once. And he usually did so impartially. By being there for both of us without judgement. Without taking sides. He smoothed over the cracks and made it easier for us to find a compromise. The need for him to do so was rare, but every other time, I’d believed he was supporting us both. This time I didn’t feel supported or understood at all.
“I’m just asking you to be honest, Leah.”
“I have been honest,” I replied calmly. “I haven’t hidden the fact that I would have preferred that Jayden belonged to Gary. I haven’t hidden the fact that this terrifies me. That Radleigh having a lifelong connection to Jen makes me edgy and unreasonable, and that I wanted this whole scenario to play out a different way. But deep down, before the results came, I had already accepted that Jayden is Radleigh’s son. Jen isn’t stupid. She’s many things, but she’s not stupid, and she wouldn’t have come back here parading her kid around if she wasn’t damn sure she already knew the answer. And with my acceptance came the understanding that Radleigh will have Jayden in his life. That part is fine with me. What’s not fine is him lying. So… whatever you think is going on in my head, you’re wrong. This is solely about Radleigh hiding things. If I can’t trust him to be upfront about something so small, and according to him, insignificant, how am I supposed to trust him with anything? That’s why I need a break. I need him to take a look at what’s going on and think about why he did that.”
Bryce let out a humourless laugh, shaking his head. “Right. So… what? What if this space you’ve given him makes him think he still has feelings for her? What then?”
His words stabbed into my skin like knives and I swallowed hard so I could breathe past the lump in my throat. “If it’s really that easy…if just seeing her makes him re-think how he feels then marrying me would be a huge mistake.” When he didn’t speak for a few moments, I stared at him. “Why are you asking me all this anyway?”
“Because I want you to think about what time apart could do to you both. You give her an opening to get to him and she’ll crawl into it and fuck with his head.”
“And like I said, if he lets her do that, if he lets her in, then he shouldn’t be with me. I can tell you right now, Bryce, there is not another person in the world that could convince me that Radleigh isn’t the person I want to be with. I have loved him since the first time his lips touched mine. I loved him when he tried with everything he had to push me away, and I loved him even when I forced myself to pretend I didn’t. So… if she is important enough to come between everything we have, and if she can really get into his head so fast, what chance do I have whether he’s here or not?”
Blinking to clear the tears that filled my eyes, I picked up my glass, walked across the room and dumped what was left of the wine down the sink before resting my hands on the draining board, my breath coming fast and heavy as I tried to fight off the sick feeling that washed over me.
What if I’m not enough?
Before I knew what was happening, Bryce turned me around and pulled me into his arms again, holding me tight. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
Once again, I clung to him as the tears started to fall. “I’m scared, Bryce. I’m so scared.”
“It’s gonna be okay. Things will work out, just… don’t shut him out, okay?”
“I haven’t. I won’t.”
Chapter Nine – I’m Coming Home
Bryce stayed with me for a couple of hours before heading home, and after he left I felt significantly more hopeful than I had when he’d arrived. I wasn’t mad at him for pushing me so hard. He did it because he didn’t want anything to come between me and Radleigh; he’d been an incredible friend to both of us and although I had my girlfriends, sometimes Bryce was the best person because he knew both Radleigh and me extremely well. Well enough to know when to step in. Before he left, he persuaded me to go to the Warriors match the next day, and I agreed. It would do me good to go outside and face the people. Nobody knew the results of Radleigh’s paternity test yet, and as much as I wanted to hide from it a little longer, my friends would ask and I would have to tell them eventually. Might as well rip off the band-aid.
I left it pretty late to get to the stadium because I wanted to sneak in without
it being a big deal. If I’d got there before the match started, Radleigh would have spotted me sitting with my friends on the benches and I didn’t want to distract him. I’d left Jessica with Radleigh’s parents. My plan was to ask Radleigh if he wanted to keep her overnight since he had the next day off work. Maybe it seemed silly since he’d be home again once the weekend was over, but I knew how much he must have missed her, even after only one night. I didn’t want him to feel like I was keeping her away from him. I didn’t want him away from us anymore really, but as much as I wanted him to come home, I still needed a little more breathing space.
“Leah!” Freya hugged me as I perched on the end of bench beside her. “I didn’t know you were coming today.”
“Me neither. Kind of a last minute decision.”
She gave me a soft smile. “I was gonna call you later. I didn’t wanna interrupt anything last night.”
I probably should have called her after Radleigh left to let her and Miguel know the news, but I’d been too busy uncorking the wine and drowning my sorrows. Well, until Bryce stopped me.
I glanced over her head at the people around us. The benches were full of Westberg staff and players, and although they were either engrossed in the game or talking quietly amongst themselves, I didn’t want to go into it with her in front of everyone.
In her eyes, I could see she understood, but she asked me the question with her eyes. Is Radleigh the father? I gave a single nod and she gasped, her hand shooting up to cover her mouth.
“I’ll tell you everything later. Are you free after the game? Jessica is with Mitch and Deanna so I’m child free.”
“Are you kidding? If I wasn’t, I’d make time. Genie’s?”
I smiled. It had been a while since I’d been to the surfer bar on the beach near Freya’s apartment. I used to go there a lot when I lived with her, and occasionally we enjoyed their Sunday morning breakfasts if we’d had a heavy night before. “Sounds like a plan.”
I watched the first half of the game with only a fraction of my attention on the pitch. Radleigh had spotted me pretty early on, and he’d given me a kind of relieved smile. Somehow, just that small gesture relaxed me, just as I knew seeing me there had relaxed him too. It was a long forty-five minutes until half time, and I knew I wouldn’t get much time with him, but… I needed to connect with him. I was more than used to spending a night apart from him, but it was easier to handle when he was away for work, and not because things sucked between us. The night before was long and restless, spent wriggling around the bed trying to get comfortable. Impossible. The only thing that would have made the night comfortable was having Radleigh’s arms around me, the two of us holding on to each other in a silent promise that everything would be okay.
