Involving my feelings and approach people.
As I shared my thoughts,
I could tell by observing their eyes and mannerisms
That they were not listening,
But the main sign was the length
Of the pause after I finished my words.
There would always be a brief pause
From those who truly listened,
Which allowed for the words
To be consumed by their minds.
Non-listeners always had their own thoughts
Prompted and ready to unleash
Even before I had finished.
With no pause and no real consumption of my words,
They told their story,
Which was always more drastic and lengthy
Than the original.
It was as if they never heard any of my thoughts.
How could they have
When they were conjuring their own stories while I spoke?
A true listener would hear a story from another and
Offer questions or comments related to what they had just heard.
An immediate change of story
To involve one’s self was not a sign of respect.
I found it easy to set aside my beliefs
And thoughts in order to listen to another.
I did not discard their words
That they so eagerly wanted to share
In order to tell my own version of the story.
For that purpose,
I chose to keep my emotions to myself and
My comments directed towards anyone who would truly listen.
Something was unique about Asmodeus.
She offered me something
That I had not received
In a long time and
That was the art of listening.
Her eyes did not wander when I spoke.
Her mannerisms were not agitated with my words and
She never followed up my thoughts with her own story.
She allowed for the conversation to flow naturally
Without embedding twists and turns.
It was a beautiful art of conversation
To experience as she always prompted me
To continue by using questions and comments
That related to my story.
I still had hesitation with sharing
My complete desires with her
So I only offered her basic dialogue.
At first, I only replied to her original comment
By saying that my fair maiden was indeed beautiful.
She prompted me for more
By asking me why I thought she was beautiful.
In a glazed over state as I watched
My queen walk from the palace gates,
I answered Asmodeus that I believed that she was
The essence of beauty and everything
That I imagined the heavens would be.
My new friend offered me only a smile
As acknowledgment of her listening.
I was a bit overwhelmed
With relinquishing a small portion of my secret
To someone that I barely knew,
But Asmodeus made it very easy to confide in her.
She knew my every belief and frustration with the common man.
It was somewhat nice to have
A productive conversation with someone
Other than my own mind.
She thanked me for the delightful discussion,
However, it was me who should have thanked her.
I continued to work throughout the day and
Only stopped briefly to watch
My maiden return to the palace
After a day of chores in the city.
I often thought about following her
On one of her day trips to discover
What it was that she did in the city,
But my work did not allow it.
I did not want to possibly ruin my safe ritual
By venturing too close.
The guards that escorted her
Would make sure that neither I
Nor anyone else would get near her.
She was a dream, a fantasy.
One that I knew would never come true, however
My desire was still strong and I held tightly to it.
I chose not to realize that my outcome
Would not match reality.
That would be very depressing and
Would gift me no contentment
Within the present.
Instead, I protected the idea of
What could be instead of what would be.
It was less complicated that way and less stressful.
It allowed me to function in my daily life and
Actually presented me with an unreasonable goal.
There was not a moment that passed
That I did not think about her and
Envision a life shared with her.
I admit that occasionally reality would creep upon me and
Torment my emotions, but it was rare.
The onslaught usually occurred after
A harsh day of work
Or an unsatisfactory meeting with another person.
My dreams when I slept
Would always allow me to drift back
Into my peaceful haven of solitude and
Provide me with a pleasant encounter with my maiden.
The next morning I was greeted by Asmodeus
While I sorted through various fabrics.
It had been a long time since
I actually welcomed the sight of another
The way I did her.
She was different in my eyes
Compared to the others.
I received a sense of acknowledgment that others lacked.
She was not afraid to listen to me
Without any selfish acts.
She did not push me away
With her demeanor or lessen my words with her own.
She simply offered me understanding,
It was a rare relic to find within a city
Where so many were eager to please themselves.
As she sat down, I could tell that her age
Was bothersome to her,
She sighed upon leaning back.
Her smile was pleasant and warm
Without any misconceiving notions or plans.
She prompted me to speak
By asking me how my lady was.
The ability to be open about my desires made me smile.
I eagerly wanted to tell her about my dreams
During the previous night,
But I sheltered my excitement for the time being
And replied that I believed that she was doing well.
Asmodeus was able to decipher my demeanor.
She was the same as me
With the ability to acknowledge one’s hesitation and
Translate it into stubbornness.
There was an uncomfortable pause of silence
As each of our powerful minds resisted the other.
She wanted me to release my emotions.
I believed that she was truly requesting it, but
I was not ready for full disclosure regarding my inner self.
She probably was just offering conversation
Since we had nothing else in common,
She predictably asked about my desire as
It was the only trait she knew about me.
Regardless of her intentions,
I was put into a situation where I felt uncomfortable.
Being open was not my strong suit.
Being around someone who wished to talk
About it was not something I was accustomed to.
She knew I was uneasy
About her prying into my chest.
It felt as though she was pulling apart
My rib cage in order to attack my heart.
Searching around for any
lingering emotion.
My thick exterior armor shielded my thoughts
From portraying any rude gestures,
Plus I believed that she meant well in her questioning.
Instead of digging more on the subject
She opted to change the topic to the weather.
We talked about the mediocre theme
For a small amount of time.
I felt bad by sheltering myself
From her original question and
Possibly signaling to her a threatening tone,
So I voluntarily established the topic again.
Her smile let me know that her fake
Weather conversation was as much
Enjoyable to her as it was to me.
As I spoke about my secret,
I felt unburdened by it
As opposed to keeping it trapped within me.
Asmodeus and I met frequently
Over the next few days.
With each conversation I revealed more
Of my darkest desires.
She never interrupted me;
Never changed the conversation.
She was as infatuated with my desire
As I was with my beloved.
I even found myself anticipating
Our discussions when she was not around.
On one day while Asmodeus and I were conversing,
I unintentionally missed an encounter
With my lady as she left the palace
For the day in the early morning.
I leaped up from sitting down and rushed outside,
But she was already gone.
I was angry with myself for being preoccupied
And felt betrayed by Asmodeus
Since she was the one that had stolen my consistency.
My friend tried to calm me
But my anger blocked any such
Invasion of comfort that tried to
Penetrate my skin of rage.
It was the first time I had
Ever not been there for my lady.
What if something were to happen due to my absence?
What if the cycle of safety was harmed?
Visions of her death haunted my thoughts
Due to my mere selfishness.
I needed desperately to see her return,
I knew it would be quite some time before that were to occur.
I needed to know that she was safe;
I needed to know at that moment.
I became flustered in my actions and speech
So much so that I could not function properly.
Asmodeus tried again to relax me, but I blamed her for the chaos.
She went running down the street
After her attempts to calm me were denied.
Normally, I would have felt sorrow
For the rudeness towards my friend,
But my desires were upset like a river underneath a violent storm.
The weak minded emotion of pity would not see the light of day.
The rest of the day was spent angrily working
While staring at the palace gates.
Time appeared to slow as her return took forever to arrive.
Down the street I saw the cluster of palace guards and
I knew my lady had returned safely.
My angered immediately subsided and
Bowed down in submission to the emotion of relief.
Her return meant that I did not cause her any harm
By my selfish act.
I truly thought my life
Would have ended that day
If I did not see her enter back
Through the palace gates.
I dwelled in my own demise and
Fed upon the anguish
That I could have caused.
It was the deepest trench
I had ever resided in and
She graciously pulled me
From the depths upon her return.
For that I was thankful, as she was
Always kind to me in that manner.
I slept easy that night
With a conscious of what nightmares
Would have awaited me
If the outcome had been different.
I envisioned the dark pit
That I would have plummeted into
If her safety was in jeopardy.
I imagined God blinding my eyes
So that I could no longer see her or
Cleansing my memory
So that I could no longer imagine her.
The mere thought chilled my spine and
Made me appreciate her return even more.
I vowed and prayed that I would no longer
Miss an encounter as long as I lived.
In the morning I found myself
Back on my regular schedule and
It was welcomed with honor and respect
As if I had discovered a long lost treasure.
I did not want to experience that amount of stress again.
One element that was left untouched
Was my friendship with Asmodeus.
I had not talked or seen her since the argument.
With me and my lady back on track,
I began to feel remorse for my actions towards my friend.
I realized it was not her fault or intention
To cause me to miss an encounter,
But my rational judgment was enraptured
By the situation and she was the only one
Who I could release my anger upon
Without relieving my secret.
As I sat there awaiting my maiden
To exit the palace gates,
I could not help but miss my conversations with Asmodeus.
Part of me wanted her to return
While another portion wanted to be left alone
So that I did not have any more distractions.
If she did give me another chance,
I would let her know of my timely tradition
So that she would understand
If I had to leave in mid-conversation.
As the days went by
With no sign of return of my new friend,
I felt remorse from my anger.
The sadness I encountered grew to a level
That I was unaccustomed to.
It affected my sleeping patterns and
A few of my small daily rituals.
I was not used to having a close friend
That I enjoyed the company of.
I did not have any practice
When dealing with the emotions of them either.
I had since moved beyond my anger
As time was the essence of my forgiveness,
I soon realized that others may not follow my procedure.
The complicated nature of handling
Disruptive scenarios between parties
With various outlooks and personalities
Was enough to turn me away from acquiring new acquaintances.
Having others close to me became a hassle;
Unproductive to my overall life.
The situation with Asmodeus was evident enough, but
I continued to feel for her as
She was the only one in a long time
Who actually listened to me.
I am not sure as to whether
I needed her friendship
Or her listening ability, but
Something was missing in my life and
She was involved somehow.
Maybe I was not prepared to return
To the idea of talking to myself,
Especially after conversing with her.
However, I was not a changed man
When it came to the general population.
My beliefs that no one listens was still intact,
But I allowed only Asmodeus
Inside my emotional wall and
It felt comforting while she was there.
I did n
ot need her friendship
Or her personal memories.
What I needed was her ability
To sit in front of me
While I shared my thoughts.
I needed that smile of acknowledgment;
That gesture of acceptance that had been missing
In my life for far too long.
No one else in the city could provide me with that.
Even worse, no one would even think of trying.
Asmodeus had a gift of listening and
I chased it away with my sudden outburst of rage.
The heavens must have heard my cries
As they delivered me a gift in the form of Asmodeus.
I saw her walking towards me from down the street.
The way the sun glistened off of her small physique
Made my sorrow vanish like fog in strong sunlight.
She approached me and gave only a smile.
I immediately offered her my apologies and
Reassured her that she had done nothing wrong.
That my anger and misconception
Of my scheduled encounters
Was the essence of my horrible words.
I took full responsibility for my actions and
Realized that I had not shared
My strict time schedule to her prior.
Truth was that I was afraid as to how she would see me
If I told her about my rituals with the palace gates.
At times I even felt that I
Was over stepping my boundaries and
Even viewed myself as a wolf stalking a sheep.
I believed that it was not a crime to give into one’s desires.
Why else would God entitle them to us
If we were meant to bury them?
I had always kept my desires secret;
Contained within my mind and heart.
I never acted upon them
As I do not believe that I was strong enough
To act out scenes from my internal play.
I was content with my desires and
The level at which they resided.
The visions of my beloved were enough to satisfy me.
When the butterflies stopped fluttering
Within my stomach garden prior to an encounter,
I imagined that my level of desires would alter.
The Sinner Page 16
