Cruiser

by Dee J. Stone

  “No, thanks.”

  The beach is always packed, no matter what day or time it is. Lex and I walk side by side, and I stare at her hand so close to mine. All it takes is a small stretch and our fingers will be locked together. But I ball my hand into a fist.

  We stop near the tide. I take off my jacket and lay it out for her on the sand. She gives me a quiet thank you and settles down. I sit down near her and stare out at the ocean. The first memory I have of Lex is by the beach. We were five. Nothing special happened that day—we just built sandcastles and chased each other around, and swam in the ocean. I remembered it a few days ago when I was surfing. There were three kids on the beach, two boys and a girl around six years old. They reminded me of when we were kids, when we were friends. No drama, no shit.

  I look at Lex. She’s got her legs spread out in front of her, her eyes closed, and face up to the sun. I shift onto my arm and she opens her eyes. Turns her face to me. “Do you remember when we skipped school at the end of ninth grade?” I ask.

  “Yeah.” She smiles and her eyes get unfocused like she’s reliving the memory. “I can’t believe you convinced me to skip.” She laughs a little. “I was so scared I’d get in trouble.”

  I laugh a little, too, as I remember the freaked-out face she wore the second we left school until the second we came back.

  We get quiet. I lie down on my back. Sand’s getting in my hair, but I don’t give a damn. It’s the best feeling to just lie on my back and let the sun beat down on me. It’s not too sunny, but just right.

  “Cruiser?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Are you…”

  I sit up. “What?”

  She looks away. “Never mind.”

  “You sure?”

  She nods, but then she looks at me and takes a deep breath. “Okay. Are you…are you with any girl right now?”

  I stare at the waves. There are a bunch of kids trying to learn to surf. Wonder if they’re skipping school, too. “I stopped sleeping around in New York. Started it again when I got back. But I’m done with that.” It was easier to talk about this with Dani. Maybe because I want to impress Lex, be good in her books.

  Her eyebrows shoot up. “If you stopped in New York, what made you go back?”

  I look at her. The wind’s blowing some black hair into her eye. I want to reach up and push it aside, then twirl it around my finger. Maybe tug it until her face comes close to me and I lean forward to kiss her.

  “I didn’t know you were with Rey,” I say, so softly I barely hear myself.

  She studies me for a few seconds. I stare into her blue eyes. Feels like I’m falling in. Then she blinks and looks away. “We didn’t know you’d be back.” She shifts her position. Looks at the sand. “We didn’t know how you’d take it.” She takes a deep breath and lets it out. Brings her eyes to me. “I didn’t know you’d care.”

  “I do care. Very much.”

  She shuts her eyes and her hand closes over sand. She lifts it and opens her palm an inch, allowing the sand to slide out. Trickle to the ground. Then she opens her eyes. Tears are gathered in there. “I’m sorry, Cruise.”

  I get up and walk to the shore. Peel off my shoes and socks. The water is cold. Feels good against my feet.

  A few seconds later, Lex is by my side, shoes and socks off, too. “I was only with girls with dark hair,” I say.

  “Why?”

  I face her. “Why do you think?”

  She stares at me for a moment, then looks away. Yeah, I guess she gets it now.

  “I’m not ready to talk about that night,” I say. “Not yet.” I thought I was. Have wanted to talk to her for so long. But now that we’re actually talking, I don’t want to shake things. I like how we are now.

  She nods. Hugs her upper arms.

  She heads back to our spot and I follow. I scoot a little closer and she moves, too. Rests her head on my shoulder. I wrap an arm around her waist. “I’m going to break up with Rey,” she says.

  I look down at her. “Don’t break up because of me.”

  She shakes her head. “I don’t want to be with anyone right now. I think that’s the best thing for me so I could figure out what I want and what I need.”

  I nod slowly as her words make sense in my head. I push away the excited thoughts threatening to capture my soul. She’s breaking up with Rey. She’s breaking up with Rey. Now I can have her all to myself.

  “I want to stay single for a while,” she continues.

  My heart drops. “I understand.”

  “We can be friends,” she says. “I really miss you.”

  Even though I know I shouldn’t, I bring a hand to her face and push some hair out of her eye. “I miss you like crazy, T. Rex.”

  She bites down on her lip, and it takes every ounce of me not capture it between my teeth. “Will Rey be okay?” I ask.

  Her eyes fill with regret. “I don’t know. Probably not.” She hugs her knees to her chest. Stares at the ocean. “I don’t want to tell him what happened between us. But I need to break up with him.”

  I nod. She takes my hand and turns it around. My palm faces the sky. She slowly runs her fingers up my palm until they interlock with mine. I squeeze her hand. “I’ve been thinking about going back to New York,” I say.

  She raises her eyes. She’s so close, I can see my reflection. The wind blows both our hair off our faces, mingling them into one. “Will you?” she asks.

  “Do you want me to?” I search her face.

  “I want my best friend back,” she whispers.

  I press my lips to her temple. “I want my T. Rex back.”

  “I need time,” she says. “I’m not making any promises. I don’t know what I want. Will you give me time?”

  I gather her in my arms. Hold her close. “I’ll give you everything in the world. Please be in my life, Lex. Please don’t ever shut me out again.”

  She clutches me. I feel her tears on my neck. “I promise.”

  I want to press my lips on her throat. Run them up until I reach her lips. But she needs time. Space. She might not be ready yet to give us a chance again, but I’ll wait until the apocalypse. She’s the only girl for me. I know that. I’ll wait forever.

  “He’ll be crushed,” she mutters into my shoulder.

  I know she’s referring to Rey. “I can talk to him for you.”

  She lifts her head. Shakes it. “No, I need to do this.” She wraps her hand around the back of my neck. “You’ll be there for him? Help him get through it?”

  I nod. “Always.” Then I touch her cheek. “How about you? You’ll be hurt, too.”

  She nods as tears roll down her cheeks. “It’s for the best. I’ll get through it.”

  Another guy might be pissed. But I’m not. I want her to break up with Rey, but I don’t want him to get hurt. I want her to feel bad about it, because it’s my brother she’s hurting. But I also don’t want her to give a damn.

  She smiles wryly. “This is all a little screwed up, isn’t it?” she asks.

  “A bit.”

  She catches a few strands of my hair. Tugs it. “We’ll take one day at a time and see what happens?”

  I close my hand over hers. “I’m okay with that.”

  We stay in each other’s arms. This time, I don’t count how long. But after a while, Lex says she needs to be back for sixth period. We get to our feet and head to my bike.

  I’m tempted to ride all the way to New York. Take Lex with me. No, not to New York. To some secluded island. Where it’ll just be Lex and me. Alone. Not worrying about Rey.

  I don’t know what’ll happen in the future. But one day I’ll have her. I’ll wait my whole life if I need to.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Lex

  “Stop burying your head in those newspapers!” my mom yells from the kitchen. “You’re only hurting your daughter.”

  I’m trying to get into my thriller novel, but it’s hard to concentrate with my parents’ bickering. Dad
came home from work ten minutes ago, face ragged and bags under his eyes. His hair was very messy, and very gray. I could have sworn it was still totally brown a few months ago. He aged a lot over the past year and looks like a man in his late fifties instead of his mid-forties.

  “Burying my head in newspapers?” he yells back. “Burying my head in newspapers? When was the last time I had the chance to relax and read the paper? All I do is work like a dog so you can fund these crackpot doctors who think they can help a little girl, who hasn’t had any movement in her legs for a whole year, walk again! This is burning a hole in my pocket, Lisa. Do you have any idea how much debt we’re in? Do you have any idea how much overtime I did this past month? I can barely stand on my own feet!”

  My eyes well up as I grab a couch cushion and bury my face in it.

  “You think I’m doing this for me?” Mom’s voice cracks. “I’m doing it for Rosie. So our daughter can have a shot at normal life again.”

  I scream into the cushion. Stop it! Just stop it! Thank God Rosie’s at the community center and won’t be back for another hour. Mom and Dad never argued before the accident. I used to emulate their relationship, dreamed of having one just like theirs. But now?

  My parents’ love for one another died the day Rosie’s legs died.

  Their voices get so loud I’m sure the neighbors and random passersby hear every word. I pound my fists into the couch when Dad shouts, “This is an illness with you, Lisa. You can’t see what’s right in front of you. Rosie is wheelchair-bound for the rest of her life.”

  There’s a long, thick pause before Mom says, “You don’t know that. I’m not going to write this off just yet. I am not giving up on my daughter.”

  I can’t take this anymore. I get up from the couch and escape to sanctuary, to the backyard where I won’t hear anything but the peaceful chirping of the birds, the musical whistling of the wind rushing past the trees.

  I lower myself onto one of the Dalton swings and open my book. In those weeks when I waited for the verdict of my sister, whether she would walk, whether our lives would ever be the same, I delved into my novels, buried myself in them. They were my escape. I need an escape right now.

  But after reading only one page, I lose my concentration. Rey will come over soon. In just a little while, I’m going to break his heart.

  I rest my cheek against the cold chains of the swing. I’ve never broken up with anyone before. No one’s broken up with me, but I know what it’s like to get my heart broken. It hurts, knowing I’ll inflict the same pain on someone else.

  I get up from the swing. The chains rattle. I circle the area, practicing what I’ll say in my head, finding the best approach to cause him the least heartache. Pressing my palms to one of the poles, I lean my forehead on it, feeling the cool metal against my skin.

  I take in a few breaths and let them out.

  Just as I’m about to head inside, I get a text from Rey.

  Hey, will be done with violin in twenty minutes. Meet you at your place?

  I stand there reading the message. Rey’s about to have the biggest recital of his life. And I want to break up with him? Not only will that crush him, but it’ll affect his violin playing. His future could get ruined because of me.

  Maybe I should wait until after his recital.

  I shake my head. No, I need to do this now.

  I’ve been so caught up in my thoughts that my parents’ voices—or shall I say, yells—make me jump when I walk into the house.

  “I want changes here, Lisa, and I want them now!”

  I stomp into the kitchen. They both turn to me, faces frustrated and annoyed. “You know something?” I shout. “You guys have to stop acting like this!” I turn to my mom. “You have to stop treating Rosie like she’s some broken thing that needs fixing. Instead of focusing all your time and energy looking for a way to make her walk again, why don’t you show her how to live her life? Show her how great her life can be despite being confined to that wheelchair. That’s what she needs from you. She needs her mother to help her live.

  “And you.” I turn to Dad. “What kind of a father are you being to your little princess? What happened to the stories you used to read to her every night before she went to bed? Or Super Fudge Sunday? What happened to all those days? Why are you guys acting different around Rosie? Why can’t we all treat her the exact same way we treated her when she walked? That’s what Rosie needs, Mom and Dad. To be treated like a normal kid.”

  My parents’ jaws drop to the floor. I climb the stairs to my room and slam the door after me.

  ***

  Rey sits next to me on my bed. I move over, running my hands through my hair. I know he senses something’s up, because he taps his foot on the floor, a sign he’s nervous. I don’t know what to say, how to start.

  We sit in silence for a while.

  Finally Rey says, “I almost nailed my piece.”

  I force a smile onto my lips. “That’s great.”

  He forces a smile, too.

  I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Rey?”

  His worried eyes meet mine. “Yeah?”

  I pry my gaze from his, then get to my feet and face my shelf of stuffed animals. I can’t do this to him. But I need to.

  “You’re such a good guy, Rey,” I whisper.

  He gets up and stands behind me. After a moment, he rests a hesitant hand on my shoulder. “What’s going on, Lex?”

  I’m a coward because I can’t look him in the eye. “I think I need a break.”

  Once the words are out, they sound so foreign, like they came out of someone else’s mouth. I shut my eyes as I feel Rey stiffen. “What…?” There’s no hiding the shock from his voice.

  Taking another deep breath, I slowly turn around. His face is pale and his eyes are filled with betrayal. “I want to take a break,” I say.

  His hand drops off my shoulder and he falls down on my bed. Tears enter my eyes as I watch him struggling to fight his own tears. I sit near him and reach for his hand, but he pulls it away.

  “I love you, Rey,” I tell him. “But I’m so confused. We haven’t been spending much time together, and you’re so busy with all your activities. I need time to—”

  “Is there someone else?”

  I bring my eyes to him.

  “Is there?”

  I can’t lie, but I can’t tell him the truth. If he finds out I have feelings for Cruiser, it’ll crush him. I shake my head.

  “Then why do you want to break up? I…” He scratches the back of his head. “I don’t get it. I love you. I thought you love me.”

  “We’ve been friends since we were kids. Of course we love each other. But maybe it’s not the right kind of love.”

  He rests his elbows on his knees and leans forward, covering his face. He sits like that for a few seconds before lifting his head. Tears are splattered over his cheeks.

  I lay a hand on his arm. “I’m so sorry, Rey—”

  He shrugs it off, gets to his feet, and storms out, slamming the door after him. I grab a stuffed animal and bury my face in my pillow. He’s so hurt. I wish I didn’t have to do that to him. I know in my head that it was the right thing to do.

  If only he wasn’t so hurt.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Cruiser

  What the hell.

  Did I miss the memo or something? What’s with the crapload of kids parading in and demanding I quench their thirst before they go crying to their mommies who will cry to Jackie who will fire my ass? She’s got a kids’ special discount week around midwinter break. Last I checked, it’s not for a few weeks.

  Every teenage girl in the shop watches me. “So cute,” one says. Yeah, so cute. This boy’s banging on the counter like I don’t have eyes and can’t see him. A girl’s climbing over the counter, and when I try to pull her off she starts shrieking like I’m trying to kidnap her. Geez.

  I am not cut out for this.

  Finally, finally. After some hair pu
lling, yells, and fifteen minutes, they’re all satisfied with their drinks and are gone.

  I drag off my cap and rub my forehead. Fucking headache.

  “Holy bananas,” Freddie, my coworker, says. Only someone like him can get away with using that phrase. Giving my head another rub, I turn around.

  Holy bananas.

  Lex, dressed in her pom squad uniform. Did she have a meet today? I’m trying to stay on top of it. Rey told me the other day how no one’s there to support her at her meets. That’s why I went to Hamilton. So she would know that I’m here for her when no one else is.

  “Hot girl,” Freddie says.

  My eyes are on Lex like they’re pasted with super glue. What’s she doing here?

  Her gaze is on me as she comes closer. So slow. What’s with the world slowing down to a snail’s pace when you want it to speed up? How much more of this agony am I going to take before she finally gets over here?

  “Hi,” she says.

  “Hey,” Freddie says in this ridiculous dreamy voice. What the hell. I punch his shoulder and he knocks into the back counter. Lex’s eyes go tiny as she giggles. It takes all my damn willpower not to leap over the counter and kiss those Rice Krispy eyes.

  “Hey, Lex,” I say, leaning over the counter so I can be closer to her. She rests her hands on the counter. Looks up at me.

  “Hi,” she says again.

  “Hey,” I say again. My eyes dip to her blue and white uniform. Looks so good on her. She’s got her Sharkettes jacket hanging over her arm. “Dance meet?” I ask.

  “What?” She stares at me like I asked her if she jumped off a plane without a parachute. Then she looks down at her uniform. “Oh.” She laughs nervously. “Um, no. All my practice clothes and gym uniform are…smelly so I practiced in this today.” She touches her hem like she’s trying to pull it lower down her thighs.

  “Sit down,” I tell her. “Can I get you anything?”

  She runs her hand over her high ponytail. The hairstyle reminds me of when we were kids. Lex’s two hairstyles were pigtails and a high ponytail. My hand itches to yank out that rubber band and watch her hair tumble down her shoulders.