Into the Stars

by Gwendolyn Field

  Lexon’s hand moves behind my neck, pulling me until his mouth is at my ear, my breasts brushing his chest. “If I fuck you, Reesa, I can damn well promise you it won’t be once. It won’t be twice. I will fuck you every day that we have together, because you will be mine. And there will be nothing casual about it.” He pulls away from me and I nearly topple forward, my eyes caught on his, my heart racing and galloping and jumping, because everything he’s just said—threatened?—sends a desperate longing into my soul. The longing spreads, wrapping itself around everything I thought I knew about myself and suffocating those ideas into nonexistence.

  One man. One woman. Every day. Together. That’s what he wants. And I yearn, yearn, with every fiber of my being to be wanted that way. But not just by anyone. By him. I somehow know if I voice that out loud, he won’t believe me.

  “I understand,” I whisper, and he nods. The captain leaves me with this new, strange realization and all of its many accompanying emotions to sort out, and I know I won’t be able to sleep.

  ***

  Is this what obsession feels like? The inability to stop thinking about something? Someone? Because the captain and his words have taken over every thought in my mind. Even once I finally found rest last night, I was plagued with dreams of his hands and body on mine. It can’t be healthy, and yet, it’s the most glorious thing I’ve ever experienced.

  I feel as if he’s challenged me, and I’ve accepted. I want to prove myself, not just to him, but to me as well. I understand now why people on Earth vow themselves to one other person. Despite Captain Lexon’s hardened exterior, there’s something there between us. If I’m being honest, it’s always been there. Now that I’ve put my Nevesta duties behind me, I can see more clearly. I’ve never wanted something this badly. I just want him to give me a chance. To take me seriously, as a woman.

  My instincts tell me I can’t simply blurt all of this to Captain Lexon and expect him to open his arms to me. No. I have to show him. Prove to him. I start thinking about all of the books I’ve read, and how the couples come to be. Verbal declarations, yes, but even more so it’s their actions. The big and small things they do for the other.

  I’m nearly giddy when every man aboard, including Lexon, shows for breakfast. I present them with a veritable feast, and despite the awkwardness of the past few days, they smile and chat as they dig into the meal with appreciation. As they’re eating away, I clear my throat and speak.

  “I want you all to know I’ve retired from the Nevesta profession. For the remainder of this flight I’ll be your new chef. After that…I’m not certain, but all will be well.” I smile.

  Rawko’s fork clanks to his plate, his face matching all of the other men. Open shock. And then they look at the captain. Lexon’s expression is more guarded, even suspicious as the men turn their gazes from me to him. If they’re hoping for a reaction from their leader, they’re out of luck. But I still feel Lexon’s eyes boring into me as I turn and leave them to their meals.

  The rest of the day is more of the same. I feel chipper as I serve the men in this new capacity, doting over every detail. I even wear the white apron. They politely accept their plates of food, thanking me, even sharing glances of amusement with one another. And for the first time since I fell asleep in the captain’s room, I feel them warming up again, relaxing in my presence.

  At dinner, when I place the medium-rare steak in front of the captain, I touch his shoulder just as the heroine in my book and say, “Enjoy, darling.” He stiffens and, as always, the men are watching every interaction between the two of us.

  “This is awesome,” Tripoli says with amusement. When Lexon shoots him a glare, Trip points at the steak and potato. “This dinner is awesome. Sir.”

  Milaz coughs into his fist. I catch Rawk and Dev grin at one another, but I don’t stick around. I let them eat in peace. Captain Lexon is turning out to be tougher than I expected. From what I can sense, he’s not softening to my advances at all.

  I’m starting the dishwasher when a prickle of awareness touches my neck and I turn to find Lexon standing a foot away. I jump, putting a wet hand over my heart. Stars! I need to put a bell on that door!

  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Reesa?”

  I stare at his angry face in confusion. “What do you mean?”

  “Darling?”

  My cheeks heat. Is there something wrong with the word darling? I thought it was a term of endearment. He steps closer, his face tilting in that menacing way.

  “We’re just over a week out from our mission and you’re going to pull this shit?”

  I grit my teeth to calm myself before responding. “I’m not trying to pull anything.”

  “You don’t think the men can see straight through your 1950s housewife ruse?”

  Stars help me. I’ve been going about this all wrong. I start to shake inside at the thought of everyone laughing at me, especially the captain. I swallow down the humiliation as I rip the apron from over my head and throw it on the counter. There’s no way I can look at him. I shoulder past the captain, but he catches my arm.

  “I didn’t take you as the kind of woman who would openly ridicule someone for their beliefs.”

  He thinks I’m making fun of him? I’ve never in my life had someone misread me so terribly. I’m mortified by my failed attempt at affections. I can never, ever be like an Earth woman.

  “That’s not what this was,” I say weakly, pushing away to run from his presence.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  That night I find the liquor in the kitchen. I’ve never had much need of mind-altering substances, but it’s been a special day. Super special. I want to burn it from my memory.

  I drink straight from the bottle of vodka, wincing and coughing. It’s so awful. But as soon as the warmth takes over my chest and belly, I know I’ve made the right decision. It starts to go down easier after that. At 7:55, before the captain even has a chance to not show up at my door, I make my way barefoot through the ship’s pristine halls to the entertainment room. Every set of eyes turns to me and I hold up the bottle. They’re all there. Everyone but Lexon.

  “My boys!” Their wide eyes make me laugh. I take another small swig, giving my head a hard shake.

  “The hell you doing with that strong shit, baby?” Tiko asks. He stands and tries to swipe it, but I yank it to my chest, holding it like a baby as some splashes out. I take one more drink and set it on the table, having to right it when it nearly falls.

  “Whoa,” I laugh. “Good catch, right?”

  I walk over to the pool table, finding my stick and turning to the men, who are all still comically staring. “First of all,” I slur. “Turn up the music. And second of all, someone better get their ass over here and play pool with me.” When nobody moves, I put a hand on my hip. “You guys heard what Captain said! Stop treating me like a piranha!”

  “Pariah,” Trip corrects, but even as he says it he’s heading my way, grabbing a pool stick. I smile, relieved. So relieved, in fact, that my tear ducts start to react.

  “Thank you,” I whisper.

  Tripoli moves closer and tweaks my chin. “None of that.” He glances at the others. “You all heard what the woman said. Turn the music up.”

  Someone does as he says, and eventually the atmosphere settles into something resembling comfortable as Trip racks the balls and I grab the bottle for another sip. I know I will regret drinking tomorrow, but at the moment it’s the only way I can face these guys.

  When I bend to take my turn, lining up the shot, I catch Rawko staring at my ass from across the room. It only lasts one second before he forces his eyes away, tapping his knee and throwing back his beer. I shoot and stand, feeling strange. Weeks ago, that look would have warmed me from the inside out. Now, while it’s still flattering, it just makes me feel bad. I peer around at all of the men. They seem to be doing fine without sex, physically, but their distance makes me wonder if the closeness I felt to each of them was only in my
head. Am I not the type of woman a man would want to be around outside of the bedroom?

  It’s not something I ever thought about on Mars. Everything’s so different with these Earth men. I want to be more than just a body. Captain Lexon said I’m so much more than tits and ass, but am I?

  “Your shot,” Tripoli calls from across the table. He’s leaning lightly on his stick, looking lithe and giving me his trademark smirky-grin.

  “Do you like me?” I ask. The room sways, and I put my palm on the edge of the pool table.

  “Uhh…” Trip’s smirk falters. He glances at Tiko, who’s sitting close enough to hear, but if he’s listening he doesn’t show it.

  “Am I likeable?”

  “’Course you are. Take your shot, babe.”

  I drag the pool stick behind me as I move around the table toward him. He literally puts both palms up like he’s scared I’m going to touch him.

  “Be real with me, Trip.”

  “I am.”

  “Do you actually like anything about me other than the taste of me?”

  His eyes bug out, then he groans and brings both fists to his eyes. “Don’t say shit like that.”

  The other guys are moving closer to listen. I press my lips together and Trip drops his hands, finally really seeing me.

  “Look, everything about you is likeable, okay? Every last thing, Reesa. I don’t know where this is coming from, but I’m begging you not to do this. It’s hard enough and I want to keep my face in tact.”

  It takes a long moment to realize it’s not me who he’s worried about hurting his face. It’s the captain. I cover my mouth against a giggle that soon works its way into a full blown laugh. When I settle, they’re all looking at me with concern. It turns my laugh into a choked sob. I suck in a breath and stand taller. I’m so sick of crying. No more fucking tears.

  “I just…I miss you guys. You’re more to me than Vestos.”

  If possible, their faces soften into more than just concern. Even Yahni is not wearing a scowl. His freakish eyes are gazing with affection.

  At their outpouring of silent attention, everything spills out of me. “I’m sorry for how stupid I was today at the meals. Too many old Earth novels. I thought I was being what the captain would want me to be, but…it only upset him. I don’t know how to be.”

  “Just be you.” It comes from Yahni, his arms crossed. I think if any of the other men had said those simple words it wouldn’t be as meaningful. But from him, it makes my chest ache.

  “I should go,” I whisper. When I turn from them, I stumble, but they’re there to catch me before my knees hit the ground. And then the door to the entertainment room slides open and Captain Lexon fills the space, making my head spin. He nods to each of the men, who slowly release me and step away. I sway again, and the captain swoops me into his arms.

  My reaction is immediate, without hesitation. I put my arms around his neck and bury my face into the crook of his neck. At that moment I realize how desperate I’ve been for contact. Any kind of affection. I peek up at the men just before we leave the room and they’re all standing there, watching us go. I swear, I see satisfaction in their expressions. I only wish this was what they thought it was. Truth is, the captain doesn’t want me tempting his men. He wants to keep up the façade.

  As we stride down the hall, though his steps are smooth and unhurried, my stomach begins to turn and my head spins.

  “Don’t feel good,” I whisper.

  He runs and get me to my bathroom just in time. I sick myself dry, and oh stars—the captain, who has so much else to worry about, is holding my hair.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, coughing.

  He goes to my sink and brings me a cup of water. “Rinse your mouth.” It’s a gentle command, but even in my drunken state I feel shame course through me.

  I do as he says, and Captain Lexon picks me up again, carrying me to the bed and throwing the covers over me.

  “Can’t sleep in jeans,” I slur.

  He clears his throat. “I’m not undressing you.”

  “I got it.”

  He glares down at me as I slide ungracefully out from under the covers, off the bed. It takes me a laughable amount of time to push the jeans down, grabbing hold of the bed to keep my balance several times, and then finally yanking my feet out of the tight material. The captain, who didn’t try to help, now grabs me by the waist and literally tosses me up on the bed. I bounce and giggle, making him glare harder.

  “Sleep.” He heads for the door and I sit up, head spinning.

  “Wait! Don’t leave me.” I’m pretty sure that’s what I say, though it sounds funny in my ears.

  He turns his head. “You’re fine. Sleep.”

  “I’m not going to try anything. I know you don’t want me.”

  His chuckle is dark and humorless as he shakes his head at the ground. He doesn’t believe me that I won’t try to seduce him.

  “Please,” I whisper. “I’ll be good. And the others will think—”

  “I don’t care what the others think. I already told them I’m not fucking you.”

  My heart drops. Nobody on this ship will touch me. I didn’t realize how much I’d come to need the physical affection. Not even the sex, necessarily, but the intimacy. Feeling needed and important. I went from having an abundance of that to having none.

  “I won’t be manipulated by tears.” His voice is gruff.

  I reach up and roughly wipe my stupid, stupid leaking eyes.

  “You think you know everything about me, Captain, but you don’t.” I push the covers off and stand on shaky, naked legs, making my way to the wooden bedpost closest to him.

  “You don’t know my heart. You look down on me for not being an Earth woman. You’re a judgmental asshole.” Who’s looking down at who now?

  His gaze sparks with the angry electricity of a man who’s not used to being spoken to with disrespect. And then I slip. My arms whirl as I try to catch my balance, but I tumble forward, straight into the captain’s arms.

  “Ow.” My ankle twisted.

  “That’s what you get,” he grumbles, but his touch isn’t nearly as rough as his words. He sets me down and lifts my foot, gently rotating it. “You’re fine. Lay back down. I’m leaving.”

  I burst into tears. It’s a humiliating moment. Every emotion I’ve felt over the past week comes flooding out. I’m babbling through tears, incoherent. “I miss…I want…”

  “Fine,” he practically growls. “Tell me which man you want, and I’ll tell them to get their ass in here. Anything to make you stop this.”

  That dries my tears right up, because when I look at him, I see pain, as if the words hurt him to say. I shake my head back and forth.

  “I’m not having sex with your men ever again.” And I mean it. Everything has changed on the ship, and we can’t go back to how they were. Loneliness passes over me, and I tear my sad gaze from his confused one. I crawl to my spot and hug my pillow, closing my eyes and mumbling. “I know you don’t believe me, you never believe me, but I’ll show you.”

  I’m half asleep when I feel his warm fingers moving the hair from my face.

  “I’m sorry I made you feel judged.” His hands move over my hair, lightly caressing my shoulder and neck. “I admit I don’t understand the ways of Mars humana, but you are every bit a good woman.”

  I sigh softly, wanting his touches to go on forever.

  “When I was a boy we took in a stray kitten. She was…beautiful. Her eyes. Her fur. The whole family was crazy about her.”

  “You had an animal in your house?” I slur.

  “Yes. Pets are common for us. But this one was wild at heart no matter how we tried to tame her. I wanted that damned cat’s attention so badly. I’d try to hold her and she’d scratch me. She’d rub against my legs and purr when she wanted affection, but it was always on her terms—I couldn’t touch her back. When she focused on me, it meant the world, but she’d just as soon turn to another. I still remember
the heartbreak I felt when I realized she’d never love me like I loved her. She’d never feel any sense of loyalty for me. And yet, I couldn’t stop wanting it.”

  My eyes open. I want to roll over and see his face, but I’m afraid he’ll stop talking. He stops anyway, so I go ahead and turn. The look on his face is like nothing I’ve seen from him. Complete vulnerability. I take his hand and press it against my cheek. His words work their way through my soul like soft heavy things. Love. Loyalty. Is that what he wants…from me? Or just a woman in general?

  The very concept is foreign and larger than life, but also romantic in a way that doesn’t seem real.

  “Have you ever had that?” I whisper. “Someone’s love and loyalty?”

  He shakes his head. “After bootcamp I married my high school sweetheart. Just knowing she was there, waiting for me, loving me even from a distance, helped me get through my first mission. But she cheated on me after four months of deployment.”

  I swallow hard.

  “I know you don’t have those issues on Mars,” he continues. “But I could never live that way. In an open relationship. When I saw her again, even before I learned she’d been unfaithful, I could feel something was different. She’d distanced herself.”

  I continue to hold his hand to my cheek as his words soak into me. Can one person really be enough for another? Even with months or years apart? That kind of bond and kinship. It was a thing of fairy tales.

  “Does it even exist, Lexon?” I whisper. “What you’re looking for?”

  His face softens. “My parents have it. It’s impossible to grow up watching the two of them and not want the same.”

  “What are they like?”

  He’s still standing at the side of my bed. I want him to get comfortable, but I can’t move, afraid I’ll scare him off. I cling to every word.

  “They tease each other mercilessly. And they laugh. So much laughter. They touch. Constant touches. They can’t pass one another without touching.”

  “They sound perfect.”

  “No.” He shakes his head. “Nothing is perfect. They struggle with finances, arguing about saving and spending. We didn’t have much growing up. They took frustrations out on each other, fighting and making up. They’re a normal couple, but when things get tough, they hold on tight and don’t give up.”