In Her Arms

by Gayle Keo

  “Maybe we should catch a cab,” she said as a large gust of wind blew hair into her face. “I know a place we can go to eat. Everyone okay with Greek food?”

  When everyone said yes, Tilly hailed a cab and they all piled in. The rain started almost immediately, much to Tilly’s disappointment. She wanted to continue their exploration of the city after eating but then she thought about Lana and figured how tired she must be already.

  “Have you eaten here before?” Deena asked when they exited the cab.

  Tilly shook her head. “I haven’t. But I heard the food is absolutely amazing.”

  Jen had raved about the food and made Tilly promise that she would eat at the restaurant one day so Tilly figured: why not take her best friends? If Jen was exaggerating and the food was gross, well, then they’d all have to suffer together.

  They darted into the restaurant and only had to wait a short time before they were seated at a table. The menu was in both Greek and English, which Tilly found extremely exotic.

  “I think I’m going to try a Greek gyro. I’ve never had one but reading it just made me want it,” Tilly announced.

  Lana agreed with her so they ordered the same thing, while Deena and April ordered seafood dishes. The food came and there was complete silence at the table as the women gobbled down their meals.

  “This is on me,” Tilly said as she took a sip of her water, “so nobody pull out their wallets.”

  Lana thanked her while Deena and April rolled their eyes. Tilly chuckled but stuck to her word when the bill came. A $150 bill was nothing for Tilly. Her salary now was more than she made in Chicago and being that she lived by herself and lived well within her means, Tilly knew she could splurge every now and again.

  “Alright, where are we heading to now?” April asked as they left the restaurant.

  Lana yawned in response and said she needed a nap.

  “You’re growing a human, so you’re excused,” Deena said.

  By the time they caught a cab during rush hour, it was already almost eight and traffic got them back to Tilly’s apartment close to nine. Tilly, herself, was tired by the time they got home and it felt like they weren’t even gone a long time.

  “Do you mind if I take a shower?” Lana asked.

  “Of course not. Second door on the right is the bathroom. Make yourself at home,” Tilly replied.

  While Lana showered, Tilly pulled out every board game she owned. It had begun to rain again and instead of schlepping outside to get drenched, they all decided to stay inside. The first game was Monopoly, which Tilly was the best at. As she sat joking and laughing, Tilly really missed living in Chicago. She missed the game nights and the spontaneous nights out. She was getting used to New York and living on her own but she had to admit that having friends nearby was always much better.

  *****

  Even though she was constantly busy with other patients, Tilly never forgot about the young woman with the serious head injury. She would often check on the woman, always surprised to see that she was still alive.

  “She’s not breathing on her own,” the nurse had said the morning Tilly went in. “Her family hasn’t consented to remove her from life support. Sad.”

  Tilly couldn’t even imagine the pain her family must be in. She remembered the man from that night telling her that the young woman’s mother was a widow and now she was losing her daughter, too. Becoming a doctor, especially a trauma surgeon, scared Tilly out of parenthood. She didn’t want to ever even consider the thought of losing a child.

  During her lunch break, Tilly went to the young woman’s room, not expecting anyone to be there. But there was a woman sitting on a chair beside the bed who looked up when Tilly entered the room.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know anyone was here. I’ll come back,” Tilly said as she turned to leave.

  “No!” the woman all but yelled. “Please, stay. You are the doctor? You can tell me what I should do.”

  Tilly couldn’t help but notice the woman’s accent. It was similar to the man’s accent from a few days ago, just more feminine. She stepped back into the room and closed the door gently.

  “Well,” Tilly began, “I can’t really tell you what to do. I can tell you that if your daughter—”

  “Baila. Her name is Baila,” the woman interrupted.

  “Right, if Baila does wake up, she will be severely handicapped. You know better than anyone if you will be able to handle that. Just know that whatever decision you make is your decision alone.”

  The woman nodded and then looked up at Tilly. Her blue eyes were wet with tears. “She’s all I have left.”

  “I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. We have counselors here at the hospital to help you through this. If you need one, I’d be happy to send one in for you,” Tilly said. She was starting to feel uncomfortable. Not because of Baila and her injuries but because Tilly found Baila’s mother to be an extremely beautiful woman. Tilly knew her thoughts were straying into dangerous, inappropriate territory and she wanted to go but she also wanted to make sure the woman was okay first.

  “I’m sorry for my horrible manners,” the woman said, wiping tears from her eyes. “My name is Faigy.”

  Tilly approached Faigy and extended her arm. “Nice to meet you, Faigy. I’m Doctor Birkeland. Everyone calls me Tilly.”

  “Tilly?” Faigy tilted her head in thought. “That’s an interesting name.”

  Tilly smiled. “It’s short for Matilda.”

  “I think I’ll call you Matilda. I think it sounds much prettier, more feminine.”

  “My mother says the same thing,” Tilly laughed. When her pager began to beep, Tilly excused herself.

  “Enjoy the rest of your day, Matilda. And thank you,” Faigy said.

  Tilly waved goodbye and left the room. She was never more grateful for an emergency.

  “Where are you?” Jen asked.

  Tilly blinked rapidly and focused her attention back to Jen, sitting across from her. “What?”

  “Where are you?” Jen repeated. “I doubt you’ve heard anything I just said.”

  “No, I did.”

  “So what did I say?” Jen asked, raising her eyebrows and crossing her arms over her chest.

  Tilly sighed. “I’m sorry, Jen. You’re right. I’m not here.” She removed a hair tie from her coat pocket and put her long, strawberry blonde hair into a bun at the nape of her neck.

  “Talk to me,” Jen said. “I’m all ears.”

  Tilly shook her head. “I can’t. I feel horrible even thinking about her.”

  “Her?”

  “Yes. Her.” Tilly sighed. “Faigy.”

  Jen’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Faigy? Who’s that?”

  “Baila Rosner’s mother. The young woman with the head injury.”

  “Oh,” Jen said. “What about her?”

  “I spoke with her mother for a while. She’s a nice lady. Very pretty, too.”

  “You have a crush on her?” Jen asked.

  Tilly froze. Did she? No way! That wasn’t possible. And not only was it impossible, it was incredibly inappropriate. The lady was deciding whether or not to remove her child from life support. Any feelings Tilly thought she had were just figments of her lonely imagination. She needed her best friends April and Deena to talk to but they were dealing with their own lives.

  “You do know she’s from one of those very religious Jewish communities in Brooklyn, right?” Jen asked. “I’m pretty sure homosexuality isn’t accepted at all.”

  “She wore a wig and a hat over it,” Tilly remembered.

  “They all do. At least, the married women have to cover their hair so they wear wigs.”

  Tilly opened her mouth to speak but her pager went off yet again. She speared her fork into pieces of watermelon and gobbled them all down quickly.

  “Want me to put the rest away for you?” Jen asked.

  Tilly nodded. “Yes, please. I spent six bucks for this fruit
salad. I was hoping to finish it.”

  Tilly left the hospital’s cafeteria and dashed upstairs to the ER. A man who was shot three times in his torso was wheeled in by paramedics, who rattled off his stats. Tilly got her own team ready, but the men and women she worked with were so great at what they did that they didn’t need much direction. After just three minutes, the man was wheeled into the OR and Tilly got to work removing the bullets from his body.

  It was well past one in the morning when Tilly was finally able to head home. She went to the ICU floor first, wanting to see how Baila was doing. She opened the door to the room and stood there for just a moment. There was no change. Baila was still exactly the same way she had been earlier in the day and the day before. Tilly wasn’t sure if she believed in miracles or not, but she was hoping for one for Faigy’s sake.

  Tilly closed the door back and headed home. The trains were empty at this hour, except for the homeless people who used the train cars as places to sleep. Tilly didn’t mind. She thought about Faigy and looked at the homeless man sleeping at the other end of the train car, wondering if they were just as lonely and heartbroken as she was.

  *****

  It had been two weeks since Baila’s accident and she was still hanging on. Well, rather, Faigy refused to remove her from life support. Tilly still visited every day when she could, never telling Faigy what she should do but not minding when Faigy cried on her shoulder.

  “You’re a good doctor,” Faigy said, wiping tears from her eyes and hiccupping.

  “That’s my main mission in life,” Tilly said with a lopsided smile, “to be a good doctor.”

  Faigy’s eyes widened. “You’re not married and don’t have children?”

  “Nope.” Tilly shook her head.

  “But why not?”

  Tilly didn’t want to admit that she thought it was too late for her to get married or have children, especially since she was a lesbian. Maybe she could adopt but her demanding schedule would likely be an issue.

  “I’m a lesbian,” Tilly admitted. She was shocked that she had admitted her sexuality to Faigy, who was still a stranger.

  Faigy remained silent but Tilly could see the wheels spinning in her head.

  “I’m not allowed to judge,” Faigy said quietly.

  “No, it’s fine. I don’t even know why I said it. You don’t deserve to be burdened with anything else right now,” Tilly said. She went towards the door to leave but Faigy jumped up from her chair and blocked Tilly’s path.

  “Please don’t go,” Faigy whispered. She placed a hand on Tilly’s arm and squeezed. “I have nobody.”

  As much as Tilly wanted to stay, she knew she couldn’t. She had other patients, she was sure more would be coming in, and staying with Faigy would put them both in an awkward position. But against her better judgment, Tilly nodded her head.

  “Okay,” she said. “I’ll stay for as long as I can.”

  Relief flooded over Faigy’s face and she pushed a second chair beside her own.

  “Are you religious?” Faigy asked.

  “I’m not,” Tilly replied.

  “Do you wish you were?”

  Tilly wasn’t sure how to answer that. Did she wish she was religious? It wasn’t something she ever thought of. Her grandparents were somewhat religious but Tilly couldn’t remember ever stepping foot inside of a church. Would her life be different if she were religious? Especially since she was a lesbian? Tilly wasn’t sure. So she slowly shook her head in response to Faigy’s question.

  “No, I don’t wish I was.”

  “Sometimes I wish I wasn’t either,” Faigy said. “My grandparents weren’t religious before the War. Their families were secular Jews. After the War, they blamed themselves and their lack of religion for the deaths of their family and friends.”

  Tilly remained quiet. She didn’t know what to say. She hadn’t known anyone Jewish, let alone someone whose family suffered so much. She didn’t want to ruin such a moment with meaningless words, so she said nothing at all.

  “When I lost my husband, I considered leaving Williamsburg,” Faigy continued. “There was nothing holding me back. I mean, my parents would’ve been upset but Baila and I would’ve gotten along fine, I think.”

  Faigy sobbed and took Baila’s hand into her own. She broke down in tears and hunched over the bed. Tilly scooted closer to Faigy and draped herself over the crying woman. It was a total overstepping of boundaries but Tilly felt compelled to console Faigy. They remained in this position, Faigy lying over her daughter and Tilly hovering over them both, until Tilly’s pager beeped. She didn’t want to leave. She wished she could throw the stupid thing away.

  “It’s okay if you have to go,” Faigy said. She looked up at Tilly with sad eyes. “I understand. You’re a doctor and you’ve done more than enough for little old me.”

  “I wish I could do more,” Tilly whispered.

  Faigy smiled sadly and put a hand on Tilly’s cheek, softly caressing it with her index finger. “I know. You’re a good woman, Matilda. Now go to your patients.”

  Tilly nodded and stood up. She walked to the door but turned around just in time to meet Faigy’s eyes once again. This time, there was something more in them. There was sadness, grief, but also—relief? Or was Tilly seeing what she wanted to see?

  “Will you be here tomorrow?” Tilly asked.

  “Yes,” Faigy replied., “tomorrow is when I do it.”

  “Do what?”

  “Remove Baila from these machines. She’s going to be with her father.”

  Tilly paused. “Are you sure about it?”

  Faigy nodded. “Yes. I know she isn’t here. Her body is here, but her neshome, her soul, has departed.”

  When her pager went off again, Tilly raced out of the room and down to the ER. She shook her head to clear her mind of Faigy and Baila as she worked on the patient laying on the gurney below her. Another gunshot victim. Luckily for this young man, his injuries weren’t life threatening.

  “You okay?” Jen asked as Tilly popped open a can of soda in the employee lounge after the surgery.

  “Yeah. Why do you ask?”

  Jen shrugged. “You seemed a little out of it in the OR.”

  “Really?” Tilly feigned confusion. “That’s weird because I feel perfectly fine.”

  Jen eyed Tilly for a few more moments but then turned away. “Okay. If you say so. Get some sleep when you go home tonight.”

  “Yeah, I will,” Tilly said.

  That night, Tilly lay in bed, thinking about Faigy. She felt so guilty thinking about the other woman’s soft hands caressing her cheek. The thoughts were wrong. Faigy was going through enough of her own and Tilly was a doctor! How unprofessional was it to think about the mother of a dying patient?

  Tilly’s hand traveled down past the elastic of her panties and between her moist folds. She circled her clit, crying out at the feelings of pleasure. Her hands continued downward to the opening of her pussy and Tilly slipped two fingers inside. Her hips rose off the bed as she used her thumb to rub her clit while fucking herself with two fingers. When her orgasm hit, Tilly thought of Faigy and it was Faigy’s name she called out, wishing the other woman was there.

  *****

  When Tilly arrived for her shift, the first place she went was to Baila’s room. But when she got there, the room was empty. No Baila on the bed, no Faigy sitting beside her.

  “The mother removed her from life support earlier today,” a nurse informed Tilly when she inquired.

  Tilly felt horrible. She wanted to be there for Faigy when Baila’s life support was removed. And now she had no clue where Faigy was or how to contact her. Or did she? There had to be a number on file for Faigy. And perhaps an address, too. But Tilly didn’t know how to look up all of these things without drawing attention, and suspicion, to herself. Jen might be able to help, Tilly thought as she raced around the ER looking for her friend.

  “You need me to look up what?” Jen asked when Tilly final
ly found her.

  “I need you to look up a patient. Their phone number, address, anything.”

  “You’re scaring me, Til,” Jen said. “Is this about that woman and her daughter?”

  Tilly gave Jen a sheepish smile and nodded.

  “You really like her?” Jen asked.

  “I—I don’t know,” Tilly stammered.

  “Her community doesn’t accept homosexuality. You are most likely reading into something that isn’t even there. You’re my best friend and I don’t want your heart to get broken.”

  Tilly sighed. “Then as my best friend, I need you to find her phone number and address.”

  “Okay, okay. Give me a few.”

  Tilly waited impatiently while Jen went to search on the computer for Faigy’s information. She could Jen was mad at her but Tilly couldn’t understand why. If Faigy wasn’t interested, Jen would be right.

  “Alright, here it is,” Jen said, holding a paper with writing on it. “It’s in Brooklyn, that much I know. I couldn’t tell you exactly how to get there.”

  “It’s fine, I’ll figure it out. Thanks, Jen. I don’t know how to thank you enough.”

  “There’s one thing,” Jen smirked. “Come to my place if it doesn’t work out.”

  Tilly laughed. “My ego will be so crushed; I’ll need someone to make it better.”

  “I’m your girl!”

  Tilly kept herself busy until the end of her shift. It was eight in the morning and she was tired. She hopped on the train and went home to shower, take a quick nap, and change into better clothes. She didn’t want to show up at Faigy’s house in her scrubs. How awkward. She wanted no one to recognize her.

  At eleven o’clock, Tilly locked her apartment door and got back onto the train. She used an app on her phone that gave her directions to the address Jen wrote down. The whole way there, Tilly was a nervous mess. What if Faigy told her to leave? What if someone recognized her as the doctor from the hospital?