Susanna's Christmas Wish

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Walking in his stocking feet he slipped in beside her, pulling her close. He saw her face break into a smile out of the corner of his eye. But there were also tears on her cheeks.

  “Is something wrong?” he asked. “I was waiting for you.”

  “Just watching the stars. They’re really bright tonight.”

  He leaned closer to the glass. “Yah, they are. Do you know much about the stars?”

  She shook her head. “I just look at them sometimes. It seems like heaven comes closer in those moments.”

  “I’m sorry about Christmas, Susanna. I know it must be bothering you. Is that why you’re crying?”

  Her response was to lean against his shoulder.

  “I have to do what I think is right.”

  “I know,” she choked out. “But it’s so hard, Herman. I’ll be the only one from the family who’s not there when Daett reads the story of the Christ child’s birth. And when we sing ‘Silent Night.’ It’s not even in English, Herman. That song was first written in German. Celebrating Christmas is not drifting into the world like your parents think.”

  “We can’t go,” he said, not relaxing his hand. And she didn’t stiffen at his words. “I’m sorry, but I can’t. I have to lead our family in the way I was taught.”

  She leaned into him and sobbed on his shoulder. He ran his fingers through her hair, pushing back her kapp.

  “I’m trying hard to see things your way, Herman,” she whispered. “So don’t hold my tears against me.”

  “I don’t,” he said. “I understand.”

  “You do?” She looked up at him.

  “Maybe not completely. But I’m trying.”

  She nestled against him again. “I’ve made my own Christmas wish, Herman. Do you want to hear it?”

  He hesitated but soon whispered, “Yah.”

  “That I will completely see things your way by the time Christmas gets here. I think Da Hah will help me. Even if I shed a few tears along the way. Because you’re the best husband I could ever have.”

  “You shouldn’t say that,” he said, touching her cheeks. Not adding the question that flew through his mind. Even Matthew? Susanna had a golden heart, and he should not defile her mind with accusations that were not true.

  “I will say them as often as I wish,” she said. “Come, I’ll make popcorn tonight. It’s not that late, and you can enjoy your magazine better while eating popcorn.”

  “I was reading just fine,” he protested.

  Susanna smiled. “Really? I think you were sitting there thinking…. just like I was in here.”

  He dropped his head. “Yah, I was.” She could read his thoughts much too easily.

  “Then we will be happy now and thankful for each other. I have been blessed with a very gut husband.”

  “You are too wunderbah for me,” he said.

  She shook her head and then said, “Go now. I’ll be there in a little bit with heaping bowls of popcorn.”

  Six

  The late-morning sun peeked through the fast-moving clouds as Herman and Susanna drove toward her sister Mary’s place. Bishop Jacob was walking from the barn to his house, and he waved as they went past, his face wearing a broad smile.

  He would be happy knowing Herman and she were working through their problems, Susanna thought as she returned his wave. Not that she would ever tell him about them, but if he did somehow find out, Bishop Jacob would doubtlessly approve.

  She glanced up at Herman’s face as he drove down the slope of a hill. His beard was growing longer by the day, as if it had been waiting for years to escape the razor. He was looking more handsome all the time, she decided.

  “A little chilly this morning,” Herman said, giving Susanna more of the buggy blanket.

  “Yah,” she said, nestling up against him, all warm and cozy under the warm covering.

  “Looks like snow,” Herman commented as he noted the clouds ahead of them.

  Susanna snuggled closer. “It’s cold but a little early to keep snowing. It’s only Thanksgiving.”

  Herman stuck his head out the buggy door, laughing as a few flakes came floating out of the sky to whirl past his hat.

  “Those were snowflakes indeed!” Herman pulled his head back in. “Early or not.”

  “Christmas will be here soon,” Susanna added without thinking.

  He didn’t say anything, and Susanna stayed snuggled up against him. She didn’t wish to start this argument again this morning. Not on Thanksgiving Day…and not ever, really. She was going to learn from her husband’s good sense in keeping to the old ways. That was all there was to it.

  And there was so much to be thankful for on this day, and for all the days of the year. Herman was already providing well for her. He had worked steadily on his fall plowing yesterday, even as Bishop Jacob and his son-in-law completed theirs. In a few days Herman would be done. Quite an accomplishment for a young married farmer just starting out on his own. That Herman would be finishing so soon after experienced people such as Bishop Jacob and his son-in-law was impressive.

  “I have a lot to be thankful for,” Susanna said out loud, just in case Herman was still thinking about her Christmas comment.

  “We both have a lot to be thankful for.” Herman smiled down at her.

  Apparently he wasn’t upset with her. She hadn’t said a word about Christmas since that evening by the sink earlier in the week.

  Ahead of them Mary’s place came into view. Susanna sat up straight, and the buggy blanket on her side slid to the floor.

  “I can’t believe this!” she whispered.

  “Believe what?”

  There, alongside the barn, was Matthew’s car. It was unbelievable! He wasn’t even making an attempt at hiding it behind the barn today. How was she going to explain this to Herman? The whole day was ruined or worse. How did Matthew dare do something like this?

  Herman was looking around, his face puzzled, his grip tight on the reins.

  “That’s Matthew’s car beside the barn,” Susanna explained.

  Herman didn’t say anything at first. He looked the bright blue car over as they approached.

  “Did you know about this?” he finally asked.

  “Nee. I thought Matthew was gone for good.”

  “Well, I guess we’ll just have to deal with him.” Herman turned into the driveway.

  “Like how?” Susanna glanced up at her husband’s face, wild thoughts racing through her mind. Did Herman plan to cause a scene and chase Matthew off? He had admitted being jealous, and she could understand that. But making a scene wasn’t something her family did.

  A slight smile played on his face. “I’m not going to do anything rash, so don’t worry.”

  Susan sighed in relief. “You don’t have to worry about me either. Matthew means nothing to me.”

  “Yah, I know.” He brought the buggy to a stop by the barn. The blue car sat not ten feet away, a few snowflakes on the hood from the brief blast earlier.

  Susanna climbed down and helped unhitch, stealing another quick glance at the car. Did Herman really know how fully her heart was his? Surely he did. But he still looked worried. Should she wait for him here while he took the horse into the barn? She usually didn’t, and he would notice if she did now. But going in she would risk meeting Matthew without Herman along—an encounter she didn’t wish to make. She would wait for Herman, she decided. He would understand.

  Herman led Bruce into the barn. Susanna knew he would put some hay into the stall for his horse. She waited patiently, and when the barn door swung open and Herman came out, she saw the surprised look that formed on his face at the sight of her. “I thought I’d wait for you,” Susanna said, trying to smile.

  He nodded and led the way to the house.

  Oh, what a royal mess this is! Susanna groaned silently. And to have this happen on Thanksgiving morning—the only holiday of the season she was allowed to spend with her family. This was just awful. And now Herman thought she was afraid to
face Matthew on her own. At least he looked like that’s what he thought, judging from how grim his face was.

  Taking his hand she squeezed it. Thankfully he squeezed back, but he still looked grim. Well, this would just have to be a grim day. Matthew had no right to put them both through this.

  Mary met them at the washroom door, a pained look on her face. “Gut morning.” She pasted on a quick smile. “It’s so nice to see the both of you.”

  “Why is he here?” Susanna hissed.

  Mary’s eyes flew back and forth between their faces.

  “Yah, he knows,” Susanna whispered. “I told Herman everything the other day.”

  “Oh,” Mary managed. “Then that’s gut.”

  “But it’s not gut that Matthew’s still here,” Susanna insisted.

  “He’s Ernest’s younger brother. I can’t turn him out if Ernest wants him staying.” Mary’s face begged for understanding.

  “It’s okay,” Herman said. “We understand. Don’t feel badly about it.”

  Relief flooded Mary’s face as both Mose and Laura came flying out the door and into Susanna’s arms.

  “Uncle Matthew is here today again, just like he was the other day,” Laura gushed. “We’ll get to eat with him all by ourselves on the couch again. Mamm said so. Isn’t that wunderbah?”

  “Yah, I’m glad for you,” Susanna said, untangling Laura’s arms from around her neck. “When’s Matthew leaving?”

  Now why did she ask the little girl that question? Susanna wondered. Already words were slipping out of her which shouldn’t, as they seemed to whenever Matthew was around. How in the world was this day going to end?

  “I don’t know,” Laura was saying. “I hope he never leaves! He’s so much fun to have around.”

  “Come, now.” Mary pulled on her daughter’s arm. “Both of you go play with your cousins so Susanna and Herman can get settled in. They’ll be here all day.”

  Laura and Mose raced off as Mary said, “Here, I’ll take your coats.” Herman handed his over after Susanna slipped hers on Mary’s arm.

  Please stay with us, Susanna begged with her eyes, so we don’t have to meet Matthew by ourselves. But Mary had already scurried into the kitchen, leaving them alone. Inside there would be a group of people sitting around on the couches waiting for them. And Matthew would be in the midst of them.

  “Come.” Herman squeezed her hand again. He led the way through the kitchen opening, and they entered the living room to hollered greetings.

  “The young lovely couple themselves.”

  “They still look alive.”

  “I can’t believe it. They haven’t eaten each other yet.”

  “That’s what love can do, you know.”

  “Now…now…give ’em a little break. They’ll grow up eventually.”

  Susanna figured her neck was growing red from the teasing, and she lowered her head. Meeting Matthew could really mess things up, she worried. She shook hands around the circle, following Herman. Where is Matthew? she wondered. He has to be here somewhere. And we’re almost around the living room.

  When Ernest stood up to shake their hands, smiling from ear to ear, Matthew’s face became visible from where he’d been sitting behind his brother’s chair, keeping his head down.

  Now he stood and offered his hand to Herman. For a moment it looked like Herman wasn’t going to take it. Then he nodded and extended his hand. “Gut to see you again.”

  “Yah, and you too.”

  “Staying around long?”

  Matthew shrugged. “Depends when Ernest kicks me out of the house, I suppose.”

  Herman didn’t say anything, turning to move on. Susanna knew she had better do something soon or everyone would be looking at her—if they weren’t already. Matthew could be making things easier by offering to shake her hand, but as usual he wasn’t.

  “Hi,” she said, nodding.

  “Gut to see you again,” Matthew said, looking at her for the first time. He looked tired, his eyes weary.

  Susanna rushed past him, following Herman to sit on empty chairs set up along the wall. They were still much too close to Matthew, but there was no other place to sit. Matthew was watching her. She squirmed. Thankfully no one seemed to notice as the chatter in the group continued and lifted to a still higher volume when more of the family arrived. Mamm and Daett arrived last, going around the circle and shaking hands with everyone. They were as jolly and happy as they could be.

  No one seemed uncomfortable with Matthew in their midst, Susanna observed. They had accepted him, as they should. Being nasty to shunned people wasn’t the way to act. Mamm and Daett had always insisted on that. There was little chance of winning people back who had left, they said, if you were mean to them.

  But that didn’t mean they had a right to stare at you, Susanna defended mentally. Especially if they used to be your boyfriend. She was married now and belonged to Herman. Matthew had no right to look at her for long periods of time. Herman might think she was doing something to attract the man’s attention.

  “I’m going out to the kitchen,” she whispered in Herman’s ear.

  He nodded, looking relieved.

  So he had noticed. Making her way through the crowd of people, Susanna found Mary and Mamm working in the kitchen. Several aunts from both sides of the family were also standing around. Clearly there was no work that needed doing. Still, she was not going back into the living room. Not until Herman moved someplace where Matthew couldn’t see them.

  “So how’s married life?” Ernest’s sister Betsy asked, a big smile on her face.

  “Very gut.” Susanna smiled back.

  “You make such a nice couple,” Betsy said.

  Susanna held her breath for a moment. This was, after all, Matthew’s sister talking. She had always seemed happy about the match with her brother when Susanna had been dating Matthew.

  “I told Matthew myself that he was making an awful mistake by letting you get away,” Betsy continued, not seeming to notice Susanna’s discomfort. “But he has such a thick head and had to do things his own way. Now look at the mess he’s in.”

  Susanna still didn’t say anything. What was there to say?

  “He’s now planning to straighten out some things,” Betsy continued. “Even plans to stay around awhile. I hope he does, for all of our sakes. But I’m glad you didn’t wait for him. You’ve found a decent man, if I must say so myself.”

  “Thank you,” Susanna whispered. That was some compliment coming from Betsy. But what did she mean by Matthew planning to stay around for a while? Before she could ask, Betsy moved away and was soon out of speaking range in the crowded kitchen.

  Seven

  The long, oak dining room table spilled into Mary’s living room, extended to its maximum by extra leaves brought down from the attic. Ernest and two of his brothers had set them in place, grunting and teasing each other the whole time. Mary had hovered over them, hollering out instructions.

  “Don’t break the edge, Ernest!”

  “Oh no! You’ll scratch the surface.”

  “It fits in if you don’t push too hard.”

  With all of Mary’s attention to the task, the other sisters had held back from overloading their men with instructions. Herman helped move the other furniture back against the living room walls, watching the antics with an amused look on his face.

  The look had fled away the few times Herman’s eyes glanced over to Matthew, who was still staying in the background.

  Now that the tablecloth was down and the whole length ready to fill with delicious products from the kitchen, all of the sisters on both sides had pitched in, making the task an easy one.

  “The food’s ready,” Susanna heard Mary whisper to Ernest.

  Ernest fumbled with his hands, apparently nervous now that the time had arrived to speak. There wasn’t much he had to say, but for some men even a few words in public brought out the sweat on their upper lips.

  Susanna could imagine Herm
an in the same situation, but he wouldn’t be nervous. He just wouldn’t. She had never seen him take charge of a large family gathering, but Herman sweating like Ernest didn’t fit at all. A cloud passed over Susanna’s face. They probably never would have a large family gathering at their place. Not with Herman’s feelings about such things. He seemed okay today, but having all this food spread out in their house might be another matter. With Da Hah’s help she would adjust and not give these things so much meaning. And she was probably allowing the bitterness of the Christmas disappointment to cloud her judgment. Herman, after all, had little against Thanksgiving.

  “Ah…” Ernest began. “It’s Thanksgiving morning, of course. And…well, we are glad you could come.” Ernest’s glance strayed over to his brother Matthew for a moment before looking away. “We’re thankful for all the gut things Da Hah has given us this year. All of us have our health, I think. Except for the little things, which we won’t go into.”

  There were a few chuckles around the circle. Susanna had heard the story from Mary herself. How Ernest had been in bed with a bad case of the flu only a few weeks ago—an illness that had lasted more than six days, keeping him out of the fields—a subject he was still embarrassed about. Ernest considered such a lengthy downtime over the winter flu a sign of weakness and an insult to his manhood.

  “But we are well now,” Ernest continued, seeming to lose some of his nervousness. “And we’re living in a blessed land where we have freedom to worship Da Hah. This we can always be grateful for, something about which our forefathers could only dream of. So here we are, with our fraus and our children gathered around us.”

  Ernest choked up for a moment, and his nervousness returned.

  Susanna saw Mary squeeze his arm and noticed Ernest visibly relax.

  “So let’s sit at the table. The married folk out here. There are places set up in the kitchen for the children.”

  There was a rush of children out to the kitchen while the adults found places around the oak table. Mary hurried about, making sure everyone had found a seat.