Susanna's Christmas Wish

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “You don’t have to be shy,” Mary told one of the aunts who was contemplating whether to sit beside one of her brothers-in-law. “He’s not going to bite. We have the turkey for that.”

  “I’ll protect her if John steals her turkey,” her husband said. “I always could handle John in our wrestling matches growing up.”

  This produced hoots of laughter.

  “Oh really?” John shot back. “Do you want to head out to the barn after lunch and see if you can back up those bold words?”

  The older brother chuckled but didn’t say anything.

  “I think John’s grown a bit since those days,” John’s wife, Esther, said.

  This brought hollers of encouragement from the men.

  “That a girl.”

  “Stick up for your man.”

  “Now, now!” Ernest protested from the front of the table. “Everyone settle down so we can have prayer.”

  A hush came over the room at once and spread into the kitchen. Susanna looked around from her place near the living-room window. Had Matthew gone into the kitchen? He wasn’t at the dining room table, which he shouldn’t be. But she hadn’t seen him leave for the kitchen, though he must have. Now if Matthew would stop disturbing the rest her life, they would be okay.

  “Let’s all bow our heads in silent prayer,” Ernest said.

  Silence settled over the house, broken only by a few chair squeaks from the kitchen. The children must be having a hard time holding still, Susanna figured. But they would settle down soon with the gut food they’d be eating.

  “Amen,” Ernest said, breaking the silence. All the people raised their heads. The noise level increased at once in the kitchen and spread back into the living room.

  “Start the turkey now,” Mary was saying, getting up from her place beside Ernest to see that her orders were followed.

  “And the gravy…take plenty. We have more in the kitchen.”

  “You’d better sit down and eat yourself,” one of the sisters told Mary. “Relax, we’re all doing fine.”

  “Oh, these gatherings get me all in a tizzy,” Mary admitted, looking like she was going to heed the advice. But at the last second she looked toward the kitchen and dashed out there.

  Maybe I should go and help Mary, Susanna thought. There were older girls who could do the job, but Mary might still need someone else. Half rising from her chair, Susanna remembered Matthew. He was out there. Susanna sat down again. She shouldn’t be out in the kitchen if there was a chance he was there.

  Herman looked sideways at her with a puzzled look on his face. He apparently wasn’t used to seeing her bouncing up and down like one of those Englisha jack-in-the-boxes. But then she wasn’t used to it, either. Matthew was causing all of this confusion.

  “I just thought I’d go help Mary,” she whispered to him.

  He thought about that for a moment in his slow way, no comprehension dawning on his face.

  Susanna almost whispered to him, It’s because of Matthew I’m not going. But Herman was figuring it out on his own, judging by the frown spreading over his face. Now what am I supposed to do? Confound that Matthew!

  There was only one answer. She had to face this thing, and Mary really did need help in the kitchen or she would have been back by now.

  She smiled at Herman the best she could and whispered, “Mary needs help, I’m sure.”

  Herman didn’t look happy, but at least his frown was gone. He knew she loved him, and if he doubted it, she would show him with extra kisses tonight.

  A smile teased the edges of her mouth on the short walk to the kitchen. Matthew might not have intended this, but Herman was getting more of her attention with him around than he would have without Matthew’s presence. But Matthew probably wasn’t thinking of either Herman or her. He would be thinking of himself, as usual.

  Wiping the smile from her face, Susanna plunged into the kitchen. The noise level was twice what it was in the living room. It had also grown quite warm. Mary, along with two older girls, was getting ready to head out to the living room table, their hands filled with food dishes. All of them had flushed faces.

  “I’m going to open the window!” Susanna hollered in Mary’s ear as she passed.

  Mary nodded, looking relieved either from the thought of fresh air or from the arrival of reinforcements. Mary did get into a real tizzy on family days. Maybe it would go better for her as she grew older and did this more often. Not that long ago Mamm had handled all of their gatherings, but now the burden was being passed on to the next generation. It could even be this Christmas that one of the daughters would be asked to take on the duties instead of Mamm and Daett.

  Susanna pushed the painful thought away as she jerked open the kitchen window. For a few moments she stood still, allowing the cool breeze to blow over her face. Turning around, she noticed Mary giving her a grateful smile. Then Susanna caught sight of Matthew sitting at the table with the children. He was looking at her with a sorrowful expression, as if his last friend had died and he was all alone in the world.

  Susanna looked away at once. Matthew and his condition didn’t concern her. If he didn’t want to stay in the bann and eat in the kitchen with the children, he could visit Bishop Jacob and straighten up the matter. Of course, that would entail coming back to the community. Then perhaps he would find some Amish girl who would take him after his wild life among the Englisha, and they could start a new life together.

  “How are they doing in there?” Mary asked as the two older girls disappeared into the living room.

  “Okay,” Susanna answered. “You shouldn’t be out here.”

  “Well, someone has to see after the children and load the food dishes.”

  That was true, but Mary needn’t be out here for very long. Mary needed to eat her meal. Neither did she, thought Susanna as she looked back at Matthew, who was still watching her as he ate.

  As if to make a point, Matthew motioned for her to come over. He might need a food dish refilled, Susanna figured, so she walked toward him. This would look less conspicuous than refusing his summons. The children would really wonder if she did that.

  “We have to talk,” he said, when she was near enough to hear him. “Afterward…sometime…outside.”

  “No,” she quietly answered. “I have nothing to say to you.”

  “But it’s important,” he insisted.

  Thankful now for the racket, she leaned closer to him.

  “I said no, and I mean no. I’ve said all to you that I’m going to say.”

  His face fell. “Don’t you care if I work through my problems or not?”

  She hesitated…and he noticed.

  “I’m going to speak with Bishop Jacob this week. It would help if I also could speak with you.”

  “No,” she said, pulling away from him. She was not going to give in. She had nothing to say to him that hadn’t already been said.

  Mary was staring at her when Susanna stood up. There was no way Mary could have overheard the conversation, but she must have guessed it wasn’t about food.

  Susanna took ahold of Mary’s arm and whispered, “I have to get out of here, and I’m taking you with me. If you don’t eat something soon, you’re going to pass out.”

  Mary hesitated.

  “Yah, you’re coming with me. Okay, children!” Susanna raised her voice. “Quiet down.”

  A blessed silence occurred.

  “Everybody has to settle down,” Susanna continued. “You can talk a little if you want to, but keep it low. There’s way too much racket. And I want the older girls to refill the bowls when it’s necessary. But I don’t think you’ll have to—it looks like there’s plenty of food here already. Then we have pies for afterward—pumpkin and cream. You can have one piece each and no more. So no shoving! And Matthew here will see that everyone behaves. Okay?”

  There were a few groans. Probably over the one-piece quota of pie, but mostly there were smiles. Even children liked order, Susanna observed.
Matthew had a big smile on his face when she glanced at him. He probably thought she was weakening in her resolve to speak with him because she put him in charge. But she wasn’t. He had just seemed like a handy tool to help keep order.

  “Come!” Susanna pulled on Mary’s arm. “Let’s go eat.”

  Eight

  As Betsy carried leftover food back into the kitchen, Susanna grabbed a broom and started sweeping the living room. The task would be repeated later, she figured, but why not go over at least a portion of the floor now? It would keep her busy. There were already plenty of women helping in the kitchen.

  The men were outside, gathered in the yard in little clumps. Through the window Susanna caught movement inside the big, open, double barn doors and paused to look closer. Why would hay be floating around inside the barn? As she watched, little pieces were flying through the air, followed by a muffled shout.

  And she realized she wasn’t the only one looking. The men in the yard were all gazing in that direction now. And while they were all staring, Ernest appeared in the barn door, hollering something. Broad grins spread over the men’s faces, and they moved en masse toward the barn.

  “What did he say?” Mary asked, coming to stand by Susanna.

  “A wrestling match, I think,” Susanna said. “Looks like John is testing his theory on whether he can best his older brother or not.”

  “Men!” Mary muttered. “They’re all boys at heart.”

  “Do you want to go out and watch?” Susanna asked. She wouldn’t go, but maybe Mary wanted to.

  “Of course not!” Mary sounded horrified.

  Susanna laughed. “I’m glad Herman doesn’t feel a need for such antics. He’s more mature than that.”

  More women had gathered around the window, and Mary didn’t respond to the complimentary comment about Herman or repeat Susanna’s remark.

  Mary could say the same thing about Ernest, Susanna figured, but it might make some of the other women feel bad about having their husbands still considered boys. All men had their faults in one way or the other. Herman had his, with his hang-up over Christmas celebrations. Women just had to learn to live with the faults of their men…as did husbands with their fraus.

  Outside in front of the barn, the group of men parted. John and his older brother came rolling out of the door. First one and then the other was on top. Susanna heard a gasp behind her as John’s brother got a firm grip on John’s shoulders and pinned him to the ground.

  “Come on! You can get out of it!” John’s wife, Esther, declared, as the group of women watched in silence.

  Moments passed and John’s strenuous efforts to throw his brother off went nowhere. Even with his wife’s encouraging words called from the house. Finally he flopped his arms against the ground and gave up.

  The group of men stepped back as John’s brother let him go. The two stood and slapped each other on the back a few times. The men broke up into smaller groups again. The women around Susanna did the same, moving away from the window. Susanna stayed rooted to the spot, staring. Just inside the barn door, obviously not paying much attention to the wrestling match, were the forms of Herman and Matthew. They appeared deep in conversation. What did those two have in common? Herman didn’t make conversation easily. She couldn’t imagine what he would say to a man who was in the bann, not to mention a man she had once loved. Is that what they were talking about? Could it be? Herman wouldn’t bring up such a thing with Matthew. And Matthew wouldn’t have anything to say to Herman about their time together, would he? That just wasn’t done. And she hadn’t done anything wrong during those years anyway. She had nothing to be ashamed of if Matthew was talking about their dating years. Sure she had been sweet on him, but that was no secret. Why else would she date a man for that long?

  “Is anything wrong?” Mary asked, having come back to stand beside her.

  Susanna jumped and gasped. She shouldn’t have made this so plain for Mary to see. Now she too would wonder why Herman and Matthew were talking.

  “Did John or his brother get hurt?” Mary asked, peering in the direction Susanna had been staring.

  Susanna forced herself to look. Relief flooded through her. The two forms were gone.

  “I think they’re both okay,” Susanna offered.

  “So what were you looking at?”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Susanna said. “It’s been such a wonderful day, hasn’t it?”

  “Yah…” Mary was still looking toward the barn. Finally Mary turned away from the window. “Well, speaking about a wunderbah day, how about you and Herman having the family’s Christmas breakfast this year?”

  Susanna swallowed hard. Why hadn’t she told Mary about Herman’s problem with Christmas while she was alone with her the other day? Because of Matthew, that’s why. All the kafuffle of seeing Matthew had driven the thought from her mind.

  Mary smiled, patting Susanna on the arm. “I’m half teasing, Susanna. You don’t have to turn so white. I just thought it would be perfect to have our newlywed couple host the day. Sort of add all the sweetness of your new love to the mix. Of course, not that we older married folks don’t love each other, but being newly married is such a special time in one’s life.”

  Susanna glanced behind her. Thankfully the other women had gone into the kitchen and were busy cleaning up the last of the dishes. Now would be a gut time to break the news. Mary was an easy one to talk to, and waiting would only make everything harder.

  “I think Christmas breakfast had better be at Mamm’s as usual. Because…I…I don’t think we will come this year,” Susanna managed.

  Mary looked at her as if she didn’t believe what she’d just heard.

  “Yah, you heard me right,” Susanna added. “Herman has a problem with Christmas celebrations. He thinks it’s following the Englisha ways. He believes the time should be celebrated on Old Christmas only—and then very quietly. His whole family believes that way.”

  “Oh,” Mary said, comprehension dawning. “I suppose when I think about it, I do remember that. The Waglers are one of the few families in the community who feel that way. And last year Herman didn’t come. I’d forgotten.”

  “Herman hasn’t forgotten.”

  “Susanna,” Mary had her by the arm now, “you don’t mean…really…like you and Herman won’t come?”

  “I’m afraid so.” Susanna looked away.

  “But there must be some way. Will Herman let you at least come?”

  “He’s my husband, Mary. I’m not coming without him.”

  Mary groaned. “This will be quite a shock to the others. You know how much the day means to Mamm and Daett. Won’t Herman consider that?”

  “It’s our new tradition against their old one. And you know which will win out, don’t you?”

  “So you’ve talked of this at length…” Mary let the sentence hang.

  “Yah, and I’m ashamed of the fight I put up,” Susanna said. “I’ve made it my Christmas wish to learn my husband’s new ways and make them truly my own.”

  “You’re a saint, Susanna, but this is awful. Christmas morning will never be the same without you. What are we going to do?”

  “Carry on as usual. You know an Amish man’s mind is hard to change.”

  Mary groaned again but said nothing more.

  “Speaking of an Amish man,” Susanna said. “There’s Herman coming with his horse. We must be leaving early.”

  “He doesn’t look happy,” Mary said, staring across the lawn at him. “Do you think he doesn’t approve of the men wrestling? Could that have upset him?”

  “I don’t think so,” Susanna said.

  Mary ignored Susanna’s denial. “Oh no! If Herman’s upset, maybe you won’t be able to attend Thanksgiving gatherings again. Tell him Ernest and I are very sorry this happened at our place. It won’t ever happen again.”

  Susanna shook her head. “He’s not that way, Mary. He’s a decent man. He’s not going to forbid me from coming to the family gathering
s on Thanksgiving Day because of a wrestling match. His parents celebrate Thanksgiving. Not quite as elaborately as we do, but they get together.”

  Mary looked relieved as she followed Susanna to the bedroom to help her find her wrap.

  “Aren’t you going to say goodbye to everyone?” Mary asked when Susanna draped her shawl over her shoulders and headed for the front door.

  “We’re going a little early. They’ll think something’s wrong if I…”

  “Yah, I understand,” Mary said, opening the front door for her. “It’s better this way. I’ll say your goodbyes for you.”

  Without looking back, Susanna hurried across the lawn. The men were still standing around the barn door, a few of them helping Herman hitch Bruce to the buggy. She climbed into the buggy and sat down. Moments later Herman threw her the lines, hollered goodbye to the men, and got in. They were off.

  Susanna tried not to move as they pulled out on the main highway, and the steady beat of Bruce’s hooves on the pavement settled around her. Was Herman upset or not? She didn’t dare glance at his face to check, and he obviously wasn’t going to say anything.

  “It was a gut day,” she finally ventured. It seemed a safe enough thing to say.

  “Yah,” he said, adding nothing more.

  His voice sounded okay, so Susanna stole a quick glance. Nee, there was something wrong. She could tell by the set of his jaw. Maybe he hadn’t liked the wrestling of John and his brother after all.

  “Did the men wrestling bother you?” she asked. “Their horsing around?”

  “Not really,” he said.

  Herman sounded like he meant it. Then what is bothering him? His talk with Matthew? That must be it. Should she admit she’d seen them together?

  As they rode in silence, Susanna’s mind raced with questions. If she said nothing, would Herman ever mention what the talk with Matthew had been about? Would that be gut? Did she even wish to know?

  As Bishop Jacob’s place came into view, Herman solved the problem. “Matthew had some things to say to me today.”