Susanna's Christmas Wish

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “Oh?” Susanna tried to keep the tremble out of her voice.

  “Sounds like you and he had some gut times together.”

  “But Herman…” She turned toward him. “You know I dated him for a long time. Of course we were sweet on each other and enjoyed some good times. Why would Matthew tell you this though?”

  Herman shrugged, not looking at her.

  “Herman, please. I love you. You know that, don’t you? Matthew has no right to come into our lives like this. Why was he talking with you anyway?” she asked again.

  “He says he’s trying to find peace. Matthew sort of rambled on and on about the past. I don’t know. I guess he thought I should hear about it.”

  “But Herman, this isn’t right. I have forgotten about those times.”

  “He said he has a ring of flowers you made for him one summer down by the pond. Keeps it pressed in a book to this day. Matthew hopes Da Hah will let him love again like you and he loved each other.”

  “Oh, Herman, this is so wrong!” Susanna grabbed his arm. “Why would Matthew be telling you this?” she repeated.

  “So you do remember the flowers?”

  “You must not believe everything Matthew says, Herman. Please.”

  “So there was no ring of flowers?”

  There was no use holding back the information, she decided. The quicker she said something, the better. “Yah, Herman, there was. But it means nothing now. I made them for a special occasion so many years ago. And Matthew kept them—I can’t help that.”

  “Kept them perhaps as a memory of the special occasion?”

  “I’m sure, Herman, but it has nothing to do with today…with us.”

  “I know,” he said, pulling into their driveway.

  Nine

  Herman pushed open the barn door, pausing for a moment to glance back at Susanna’s retreating form. She was almost at the house, walking with her head bowed. Was he being too hard on her? But how? He had every reason for discomfort and for questioning. She had once loved the man. And why was Matthew spilling such intimate secrets into his ear? Yet he had to be honest. Matthew’s words had seemed more like musings than anything else. Perhaps they really were just the memories of a troubled man seeking peace with his past.

  That Susanna had dated Matthew for several years, he knew. That they had been sweet on each other—quite sweet, that they had planned to marry, Herman had known, so why did it bother him to hear it from Matthew?

  Herman led Bruce inside the barn, pulled his harness off, and turned him loose in the field. Toward the west he noticed dark clouds hanging low in the sky. Snow clouds, no doubt. Early this year. They might even get another light dusting tonight, from the way things looked.

  Watching Bruce take a lumbering run around the pasture, shaking his mane Herman wondered, was his young marriage in trouble? How could that be? Susanna loved him, didn’t she? It certainly appeared so. Even with the trouble over their different family Christmas practices, she was being a model of submission and virtue, although she did have that initial flash of anger. It was understandable Susanna should struggle with letting go of what she was used to. That was normal, and they would surely adjust.

  But Matthew’s words were troubling. But it wasn’t just Matthew. It was the side of Susanna Matthew had shown him. Matthew probably hadn’t intended that, mumbling on and on about the good times he and Susanna had once had.

  “I’m not saying things could have turned out differently between us,” Matthew had said. “Because they couldn’t have. I could never give Susanna what she deserved. A home among the people. A place she felt safe in. A husband who didn’t always have ideas about leaving…” Matthew’s voice had trailed off.

  Herman had tried to be patient, not understanding why he was being told this. He was willing to listen if it soothed Matthew’s obviously troubled spirits.

  “Very early on, I think I knew Susanna was too gut for me, but I couldn’t bring myself to pull away from her. She was so alive and so in love with me. And if I let myself go, I imagined the same thing for me. But in the end, our relationship was all imagination on my part. It could never go much beyond our evening drives home in the buggy with her snuggled under the blanket next to me.”

  Herman had winced at that line. Susanna hadn’t done much snuggling up to him when he drove her home during their dating years. But she did now. He had always taken her reserve before their marriage as virtue, but apparently it hadn’t been. Had her feelings for him changed after the wedding? Or was she reliving a love from the past when she nestled next to him? Perhaps she was trying to recapture what she’d lost?

  He looked at the dark clouds in the west and shook his head. He was a simple man with simple tastes. These things were too deep for him. The heart of a woman was a mystery he’d never given much thought to, but now it seemed to matter a whole lot. Something hurt inside his chest that had never throbbed like this before.

  As he looked around, the voice of Matthew came drifting back. “The moment I finally knew it was over was at the most unexpected time. I never told Susanna this. In fact, it took me months to get enough courage to admit to myself that it was over for us. That we could never be what she wanted us to be.”

  Herman had said nothing as he fiddled with a piece of straw. He apparently wasn’t expected to say anything. The words were spilling out of Matthew.

  “It was on a summer Sunday afternoon. We had taken a walk down to the pond behind her daett’s place. Susanna had never looked so lovely as she did that day. I could hardly look at her, awestruck by thinking she might really become my wife. The moment has finally come, I thought. This is what I want to do more than anything else in the world. Marry this woman. Have her by my side for the rest of my days. So what if I have doubts about giving her what she wants? Love would be more than enough. I gave myself to the emotion of the moment—which I now know is all it was.”

  Herman had waited. Clearly there was more to come, but he hadn’t been sure he wanted to hear this. What Matthew was already saying was hurting things inside of him he hadn’t even known were there. But he had remained silent and Matthew continued.

  “I asked her to marry me that day, Herman. Down by the pond. And she said yes. She was so happy it hurt. That’s what finally woke me up. Her happiness. The joy on her face. The me she saw. But the Matthew she loved wasn’t who I really was. That day I understood, but I was unable to admit the truth. She went into the side of the woods and picked flowers—little tiny ones, purple, orange, and blue. Wove them into a circle for me. ‘A circle of love,’ she said. ‘Our love.’ And she gave them to me.” Matthew’s voice trailed off again, a faraway look in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” Matthew had said moments later, looking up for the first time. “I guess I shouldn’t be telling you this. But I just had to get it off my chest. Perhaps find my way again. I can’t share this with anyone else.”

  “You could come back to the church,” Herman had managed to get out. “That would be the first step toward peace.” A simple answer, he figured. Not like the complicated stuff Matthew was telling him, but Herman didn’t have any other ones. He was a simple man.

  A brief smile flashed across Matthew’s face. “I might go down and speak with Bishop Jacob. Confess some things to him. Not that he’s going to lift the bann on me, but for my own sake before Da Hah.”

  “You can always come back,” Herman repeated. There hadn’t seemed anything else to say.

  Matthew shook his head. “I thought I might try that when I came back this week—well, before I arrived actually. But then I found out Susanna had married. Deep down I always knew coming back wouldn’t work, so I’ll take Susanna’s marriage as an added sign from Da Hah that He knows me better than I know myself. The way to the past is closed, Herman. I finally told Susanna that months after that afternoon by the pond. And now I know it’s still true.”

  Herman had nodded, not because he necessarily agreed, but perhaps it was best this way. Having Matthew around would be
mighty uncomfortable. But Matthew’s absence was a horrible thing to desire because his soul was in such danger. Herman’s thoughts came back to the present. Right now he couldn’t help how he felt about the matter. And there was nothing more to think or to say about Matthew.

  He really needed to get inside before Susanna thought something was amiss. On the way out of the barn, he paused and looked at the stack of hay piled against the wall. Perhaps he should throw more bales down from the haymow? The job needed doing soon, and it would give him time to gather his thoughts before facing Susanna again.

  Yah, I will, Herman decided. He climbed the ladder. Dusty silence greeted him on top except for a few chirping sparrows on the beam high above him. Spider webs hung everywhere, but that wasn’t unusual. He must stop thinking dreary thoughts. Susanna waited for him inside, and she was his frau. No matter how much Matthew wished it otherwise.

  That was the real problem, wasn’t it? Matthew wished he were married to Susanna. Yah, Matthew might not wish to admit to the fact, but deep down he did. Matthew wished things had turned out differently. That he had stayed in the community and taken a different road in life. Surely that was his real reason for being here now—to find out if there was a way back to the Amish life.

  Did Susanna also feel this way? Herman sat down on the hay bales, the thought heavy on his mind. Was this true? It couldn’t be. Susanna wasn’t like that. But she had changed since their wedding, hadn’t she? Into a person not unlike the one Matthew described. Warm, loving, kind-hearted, snuggling up to him whenever she had a chance.

  Was she trying to make their relationship like hers and Matthew’s would have been? Or used to be? A warm memory in her mind that wouldn’t go away?

  Herman stood and threw a bale of hay down the ladder chute, listening to it bounce on the floor. With a great heave, he threw another one and then another one. This time the strings burst and hay flew everywhere, blocking the chute.

  “Stupid,” he muttered to himself. “You’ve never acted like this before.”

  But then he had never been married to a wunderbah woman like Susanna, who apparently had a lot of secrets in her life. He was growing into a jealous man, which wasn’t what he wanted at all. Yet the hurt around his heart was growing worse. And the more he thought about Matthew and Susanna, the greater the pain.

  And she had made the ring of flowers for Matthew after he asked her to wed him. Of course, that was perfectly natural for Susanna. She had no way of knowing Matthew wasn’t who he said he was. But she had never made one for him, even after he asked her to wed. She hadn’t done anything like that.

  Pushing the hay out of the ladder chute with his hands, Herman dug his way through. Coughing from the dust and knocking his hat off, he jumped part of the way down. Slapping off the worst of the hay, he picked up his hat and walked toward the barn door. Once outside he took quick steps across the lawn. Susanna had the gas lantern burning in the living room even though it wasn’t quite dark yet. She meant it as a welcome sign, and a smile crept across his face. He had to stop this worrying. Susanna would make popcorn tonight. Maybe he could talk her into adding caramel as a special treat. For what, he wasn’t quite sure—maybe for surviving encountering Matthew today and still loving each other.

  Thankfully he hadn’t spoken harsh words to her on the way home. He had tried to speak gently even though his heart was throbbing with the memory of Matthew’s words. And he would never tell her what he knew. It wasn’t necessary. He would trust Susanna. Her love for him was as real as his was for her.

  With a broad smile on his face he opened the front door, the light flooding his face. Stepping inside he looked around, seeing no one. Where was Susanna, he wondered. Hearing a muffled sound from the kitchen, he hurried in that direction.

  Susanna was sitting at the kitchen table, staring out of the window, and sobbing with great choking sounds.

  She wasn’t waiting for him. Nee, she too was full of memories. No doubt memories of Matthew. Seeing him today had brought them rushing back. Surely that was the cause of her tears now. As he retreated a step, Susanna must have heard and turned to face him, her handkerchief clutched in her hand.

  “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

  She said nothing, the tears still running.

  Herman turned and beat a hasty retreat back to the barn.

  Ten

  Susanna sobbed as the sound of the front door closing hung in the house for long moments. At least Herman hadn’t slammed the door. Wasn’t that what men did when they were really angry? Herman hadn’t looked angry at all. More heartbroken than anything, she decided. And that was why she should be running after him right now. She should have jumped to her feet when he came to the kitchen doorway, but her feet had been stuck to the floor.

  The turmoil was too much. Matthew’s return. Matthew wanting to speak to her. Matthew talking to Herman. And likely now Herman knowing more than she had ever planned on telling him.

  Matthew had told him about the ring of flowers. And if that had been said, a lot more had probably been said. She had only to think about the long time Herman had stayed out in the barn to know that…and how disturbed Herman had looked on the ride home.

  Why didn’t she respond to Herman a moment ago? For the first time since their wedding, she hadn’t rushed into his arms. Had she done something wrong today? Nee. Not even back in the days when she was so in love with Matthew. She had done nothing wrong. Her feelings had been real, and in some ways still were. Was that the problem?

  Yah, it was. But what was she supposed to do about that? If only Matthew hadn’t come along right now she would have been okay. She had been doing so well since the wedding. Learning to know and appreciate who Herman was. And slowly the feelings of love had been growing. She was sure of it. But now this. Did Herman know too much to ever trust her again? That was the awful question. Wiping her eyes, Susanna thought of Matthew and the days when they had been together. Everything had looked so easy back then. The world colored with feelings of love and light. How innocent she had been, believing everything Matthew told her. Accepting everything about him as real. But she had based her love on something that wasn’t solid. And Herman was so different. So very solid. Herman had character, and he was patient, and kind, and very real. There wasn’t a thing about Herman that was fake. He probably couldn’t pretend if he tried. Which meant that Herman had to be deeply hurt to have turned and walked back to the barn like he just did. And it also meant he wouldn’t easily be won back. There was no use running after Herman right now with him knowing what he did. Wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him would only remind him of the tales Matthew had told him.

  Why did Matthew have to come right now? Why not next year, or the year after that? When her love for Herman had grown deep and solid. When it could stand this kind of storm. Not four weeks after their wedding when they barely knew each other.

  What if Herman stayed out in the barn all night? It was cold out there, and he didn’t have a blanket. Would she dare take one out for him? Or would he reject even that? What about tomorrow? Where would he eat if she didn’t feed him? Would he go somewhere else for the day? Tell others about her relationship with Matthew?

  Surely not! She must not imagine things like this. She must make supper for Herman. The best she could prepare in the shortest time. And Herman would see the light in the kitchen. He would know what she was doing and return. His hunger would drive him, if nothing else. And if that failed, she would go to him. Beg him to forgive whatever she had done to hurt him. He loved her kisses. She knew he did. She would love him again, and he would respond like he always had before.

  Rushing about the kitchen, she lit the extra lantern and hung it on the nail in the kitchen ceiling. Racing to the living room window she glanced out toward the barn. Everything was dark, but Herman was in there somewhere. Probably sitting on a hay bale or pacing around thinking of her. He had to be there. Surely he would be coming in soon.

  Running back to the kit
chen Susanna began her work, heating the leftovers she had. That would have to do, she figured. Preparing food from scratch would take too long. And they already were full from the Thanksgiving dinner. It wasn’t food they needed right now, but love.

  While the food was warming in the oven, Susanna made popcorn. Heaping the bowl full of fluffy white kernels, she placed it near the oven for warmth.

  Now what else could she do? She paused to look around. Didn’t Herman like candied popcorn? Yah, he did.

  Grabbing the caramel, she heated it over the stove and then ran long streams of the sugary mix over the popcorn. With the lid slapped on, she shook the bowl for a long time. When she opened it, the golden mixture brought a smile to her face. Herman would love this. This popcorn would chase away whatever dark thoughts were crowding in.

  Opening the oven door she checked the food. It wasn’t quite done yet, she decided. A few more minutes were needed. She would see if the living room was in decent shape while she waited. It had been clean this morning, but perhaps something had fallen out of place.

  A quick look around revealed nothing amiss, but Susanna still grabbed the broom to give the floor a fast sweep. When she was done, she went back to the oven. She took the warmed casserole dish out and set it on the kitchen table. Slicing the bread, she placed a few pieces beside Herman’s plate, along with his favorite jam—blackberry. His mom’s recipe and quite delicious. As gut as any they’d ever made at home, she had to admit.

  Taking the basement stairs two at a time, Susanna brought up a jug of apple cider. One of the few she had brought from home after the wedding. This was a special occasion. She would replenish their supply the next time she was at the market in Kalona.

  Surely Herman would be in soon. Taking slow steps back to the living-room window, she peered out. The barn was still dark, but Herman had to be out there somewhere. Did she dare go after him? She had to. She couldn’t wait and let the food get cold.

  He was probably waiting for her anyway, brokenhearted, thinking she was still in love with Matthew. And that wasn’t true at all. She was in love with him, with Herman. Even in the middle of this wild kafuffle. Matthew had never been real. She was seeing that more clearly all the time.