Hopeful

by Louise Bay

  It wasn’t unusual for start dates to get moved forward by six months or a year. I couldn’t be bothered to explain that to my father. He wasn’t in a listening mood anymore. My mother’s eyes were in her lap. She wasn’t sticking up for me.

  “Well, I could ask,” I said softly.

  “They might end up giving the job to someone a little more grateful.”

  I pushed up out of my chair and headed to the kitchen. My parents just wanted the best for me. I understood that. I wanted them to be reassured by me. I didn’t want them to be unhappy.

  “And I wouldn’t be going on my own,” I called from the kitchen.

  “Oh?” my mother asked.

  “Yes, there’s a guy fr—”

  “Well, now we’re getting down to it,” my father said. “You’re going to throw in your education and the chance for a good life for some bloke. Some drifter who wants to bum around and not get a proper job.” He was raising his voice, something that didn’t happen very often.

  My heart sank. Maybe I should have told them about Joel before now. They would have met him maybe and seen who he was. They would have seen how much he loved me and that he would never ask me to give up anything … except he was, wasn’t he? He was asking me to give up my plans. Ok, just for a year, but what about after then? What happened after a year? Would it be another year and another year after that?

  Maybe my parents were right. Maybe I was being reckless.

  “Tell us about this boy, honey.” My mom was more conciliatory than my father.

  “Well I’ve been seeing him—”

  “Are you pregnant?” my father asked.

  Oh my god. I rolled my eyes.

  “Geoff, listen and let her tell us.”

  “No, Dad, I’m not pregnant. Of course I’m not pregnant. I’ve been seeing Joel, and he’s got this amazing opportunity to work at a start-up in New York. He wants me to go with him.”

  “He wants you to give up your plans so he can do what he wants to do?” my mother asked.

  “Mom, it’s not like that.”

  “Isn’t it?” Wasn’t it?

  “No, it’s not. His opportunity can’t be put off for a year like mine.”

  “You don’t know yours can. Don’t think I’m going to pay for law school when you’re 45 with three kids, divorced, broke with no career of your own, regretting you ever met this Joe person.”

  “His name is Joel, Dad.”

  “Does it matter?” It mattered to me. “Is he going to marry you?”

  “I’m not planning on taking a 20-year gap year. It would be for 12 months.”

  “Until he asked you to stay another year,” my mom said quietly. Like she didn’t quite want to say it. Was she right? Was he asking too much? I’d been thrilled that he’d asked me. Thrilled that he’d thought about us after University, but maybe he’d just been thinking about him.

  “Does he have money?”

  What was he asking me, whether I was after Joel for the money?

  “How are you going to live for the year?”

  “I’d get a job in a bar or something. And Joel has a job out there.”

  I hadn’t thought through the logistics. I concentrated on the big problems. Like getting my parents on board and thinking about deferring law school and my job.

  “So after a law degree, my daughter ends up working in a bar. Just what I wanted for you.” He picked up his car keys and stormed outside, slamming the front door behind him.

  I slumped forward in my chair, my head in my hands.

  “What did you expect, Ava?” Mom asked. They were not comforting words, but she was right. His reaction was what I expected.

  “Maybe I should go.”

  “Don’t be silly. Dinner will be ready soon and your father never misses my Saturday night curry. He’ll come back and things will get better, whatever you decide. Don’t leave on an argument.”

  Maybe food would put him in a better mood. Maybe it would put me in a better mood.

  “Ok, I might go and have a quick nap before dinner.” I really wanted to speak to Joel. I needed his reassurance.

  “Ok, no longer than half an hour, though.”

  I plodded upstairs to my old bedroom that seemed so unfamiliar to me now. Like I hadn’t slept there for the first 18 years of my life. I wasn’t sure why they’d not turned it into a guest room. It’s not like I was going to live at home again. It was bigger than my not-so-little brother’s room and looked over their small but perfectly formed garden. It would make a nice guest room.

  I collapsed on the bed and called Joel.

  “How did it go? Have you told them?” He seemed touchy.

  “Of course I’ve told them. That’s why I’m here.”

  “And?”

  “And it went down like a cup of cold puke.”

  “A delightful image, thanks.”

  “You’re very welcome. It’s no more than you deserve.”

  “What have I done?”

  “Nothing.” Everything. Why couldn’t he just find a job in London like the rest of our graduating year? Why did he have to go to New York?

  I told him in detail about the conversation with my parents. He was very quiet.

  “You know it’s your decision and not your parents’, though, don’t you?”

  “Joel.”

  “I mean it, Ava. You’re going to be 21 this summer.”

  “It’s not just about how old I am, Joel. This is hard. They’ve worked hard to put me through University and to create this life that I have. To not respect what they are saying now … I just … It’s just hard.”

  “I want you to come with me,” he said.

  “And I love that you do.”

  “Does that mean that you will?”

  “It means that I love that you want me to come, and I need time to figure stuff out.”

  “You mean you need your parents’ permission, just like you need your friends’ approval about our relationship. Jesus, Ava, why don’t you just decide what you want? You.”

  “It’s not that simple!”

  I was likely to cry if I didn’t consciously try to keep it together. I didn’t want to be the crying girlfriend. Anger would deflect my tears. “And what happens after a year, Joel? Do we come back to London so I can go to law school? Will you promise me now that New York will only be for a year?”

  “You know I can’t promise that.”

  At least he wasn’t lying to me. There were no guarantees.

  As if he could read my thoughts, he said, “I can promise you that I’ll love you for infinity. I don’t want to fight. If you decide not to come with me, then that’s ok. I just want you to make the decision and not to be persuaded by what your friends and family say.”

  “What if I ask you not to go?” My hand was trembling as I said it. I knew I shouldn’t.

  “I know you. You won’t ask. You know that I won’t get this opportunity again. I don’t have a path mapped out for my career like you do. I’m going to need to take chances and risks to do what I have to do. To carve out my career for myself. To prove to people like your father that I’m worthy.”

  “You don’t need to prove anything to my father.”

  “Really?”

  I understood what he was saying, and he was right: I would never ask him to stay. I couldn’t handle that kind of pressure, wondering if he would resent me for it.

  For me, it was a straight choice between my head and my heart. Between the obligation to my parents and my obligation to myself.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Present

  “Your stomach was growling in your sleep. We need to get you some food.”

  I didn’t need anything. I had everything I’d ever wanted right there. He started to pull his hands from my waist and I grabbed them, not wanting him to move.

  “Seriously, we’ve not eaten in twenty-four hours and we’ve been doing some serious exercise. Let’s eat.”

  “Urgh. Ok, we’ll have to order in,
though. My cupboard is bare.”

  Joel chuckled behind me.

  “That wasn’t a euphemism, you freak.”

  “You know me too well.” He kissed my head and moved off the bed.

  Joel settled back into bed after ordering pizza, tucking me against him, my back to his front.

  “Who did you tell to ‘fuck off’ on the phone?”

  “Oh, yeah, Ed my business partner. He was giving me shit for not going in. Told me my dick would shrivel up and fall off.”

  “Nice.”

  “He is nice actually. You’ll like him.”

  Thoughts of the future drifted into my head. I’d kept them out for longer than I expected.

  “So, he knows? About me?”

  Joel sighed. “Yes, he knows. Is that a problem?”

  “No. I … No.”

  “We need to talk about this, Ava.” He was in my head again.

  “I just want it to be ok this time.”

  I heard my phone ring from somewhere. I shuffled to the edge of the bed to see if it had fallen off my nightstand. Then I heard it behind me and turning, saw Joel holding it in his hand.

  “It’s Jules,” he said. “Shall I answer?” He was testing me. I shrugged. He tossed the phone at me, and then got up and headed to the bathroom.

  “Hi Jules. You ok?”

  “Yeah, you didn’t reply to my emails so I was just checking on you.”

  The bathroom door was open and Joel was listening. I could tell.

  “Sorry, I wasn’t at work today. I had some things to sort out.”

  “Like what?”

  “Nothing. I’ll tell you when I see you. But I’ve got to go. Let’s talk tomorrow.”

  I hung up and followed Joel into the bathroom. He was sitting on the edge of the bath in his boxers. The no-clothes rule broken. I moved toward him but he didn’t look at me. I reached out and stroked his back. All of a sudden, I felt stupid being so naked standing in front of him.

  “Let’s talk. Please come back to bed,” I said. The doorbell rang and without a word, Joel stood and headed out. I scrambled around, trying to find something to put on amongst the debris of sheets and pillows and bedcovers that covered my bedroom. I found his shirt, crumpled lying in a heap by the bed, and pulled it on. It smelt of him.

  Joel was closing the door as I headed into the living room. He still wouldn’t look at me.

  “Joel.”

  He slung the pizza box on the counter and braced himself against the surface, exhaling as if he’d just finished a run.

  “Fuck,” he said.

  “Please talk to me.” I could feel the tears in the bottom of my throat. I didn’t want to be feeling like this. I hadn’t said he couldn’t answer the phone. I didn’t lie to Jules.

  “You have a week,” he said.

  “I have a week of you? What? I don’t understand.”

  “To get your shit together and to decide what you want.”

  “Joel, I want you. You know that. But we’ve not talked about what’s beyond these twenty-four hours. Let’s do that. Let’s take the next steps together.”

  “It can’t be like last time, Ava. I told you I couldn’t do that again. We can’t just become some kind of dirty secret, avoiding any kind of judgment from any third party. I thought you were stronger.”

  “I am. But I don’t know what you want from us, from me.” I would do anything he asked.

  I moved toward him and he stepped back. My stomach churned with his distance.

  “I want you to want to tell people! Don’t you get it? I want to shout that I love you from the fucking rooftops. I couldn’t give a shit what anyone else thinks. I want us to be together—forever, Ava. I want to marry you and get you pregnant and watch our kids grow up and then grow old together.”

  My heart was beating out of my chest. These were the words that I’d been waiting to hear from him.

  “I won’t be your dirty little secret.”

  “You were never that, Joel. I was different before, I didn’t know. I want all those things, too. I promise. I love you.”

  “Show me,” he said. “I give you a week.”

  He turned and headed to the bedroom. I followed him, not wanting any more distance between us. I felt like I’d been stabbed in the heart as he pulled his trousers on. He was leaving?

  “I need my shirt, Ava.”

  “Stay. Please don’t be angry with me. I’ll do whatever you want. The tears had started now. “Stay. Please.”

  “I’m not angry. I’m just trying to protect myself. And to give you the time you need.” He slumped back on the bed. “Really. I need to give you some time. Some space to decide in the cold light of day what you want.”

  “I don’t need time and space! How can you know what you want but not think I know what I want?”

  “Why didn’t you say anything to Jules?” he said.

  “We hadn’t talked about what was next. And she’s been trying to get into your underwear since you got here. What was I going to say? I need to see her in person.”

  “Jules tries to get into everyone’s pants. She won’t care.”

  “She’ll care more than you think. And I’m not just using that as an excuse.” I pushed away the wet from under my eyes. “And this might have just been a one-time thing for all I knew.”

  “Fucking hell, Ava. I told you I couldn’t make this a one-time thing.”

  “Well, we haven’t made specific plans about what’s next.” It sounded stupid now that he was playing it back to me, but we hadn’t spoken about what was next. This was all new territory and I was doing the best I could. “That sounds weak and insecure and I get that, but it’s all part of me and you have to love all of me if you’re going to love me.”

  He stood up and pulled me against his chest, his arms stroking my back. “I do love all of you. The insecure parts of you are some of my favorite parts. That’s why I need to give you time and space. It’s the right thing to do. Let’s just take this week and see where we end up.” I felt like we were ending again, and it hurt deep inside me. My knees buckled.

  “You need to eat,” he said steadying me. I clung tighter to him, not wanting him to think there was an option to not stay.

  He peeled my arms from around him. “Come on, Ava. It’s a week.”

  “I don’t need a week!” I was beginning to get angry now. He smiled at me. And I punched him in the arm. “What if you change your mind?” I asked.

  “After eight years, what’s going to happen this week that will change how I feel?” I had no answer to that. I didn’t want to tell him any of the hundred things I had I my head. “Now, change out of my shirt. As sexy as you look in it, I don’t want to have to leave your flat half-naked, but I will if you don’t give me my shirt back.”

  I swapped his shirt for the T-shirt I wore last night and followed him out of the bedroom. He stopped before he opened the front door. “We’ll have to live at my place. Your bed squeaks and I can order better takeaway.” He grinned at me and I loved him ten times more in that moment. I smiled back and he grabbed my neck and kissed the top of my head.

  “I’ll see you on Saturday,” he said. I’d forgotten that we were all due at Matt and Hanna’s.

  “Can that be our week?”

  “If you’ve had enough time. I was counting on it.”

  And then he was gone.

  ***

  The door shut and I stood for a moment, mentally running through what I could do in this week to show him I had it together. I knew what I wanted. I didn’t care what anyone else thought.

  I raced back into the bedroom and I texted him.

  I miss you. I can’t wait to see you on Saturday.

  Then I texted Jules.

  I need to see you. Are you free tomorrow?

  I switched the phone between my hands, willing it to buzz.

  It was late but I wasn’t tired. I should be. We’d not slept much and I had work tomorrow, but the adrenaline racing around my body wasn’t let
ting up. I needed a plan.

  Past

  As the train pulled into the station from the weekend with my parents, my heart was racing. I had to get to Joel as soon as possible. We were on a finite timetable. We didn’t have much of this life here in our bubble, whether or not I went to New York, and I wanted to squeeze every last drop out of it before that bubble burst.

  I’d planned to go straight back to campus, but I had the cab drop me off at Joel’s. I rang the doorbell and shifted my weight from foot to foot.

  He opened the door wearing a huge grin and a towel around his waist. Holy moly, it was my favorite look on him.

  “How did you know it was me?” I asked.

  “How did you know I knew it was you?” he countered.

  “Do you greet everyone naked with a grin?”

  “Don’t sweat it. I could see your shortness through the frosted glass. I don’t know many people as short as you.”

  “Hey.” I pushed out my bottom lip like a toddler.

  “You know I love you short. It means I can physically overpower you at any opportunity.” He grinned and raised his eyebrows and I play-slapped him on his arm. To prove his point he kissed me briefly on the lips, grabbed me, lifted me up over his shoulder, and marched into the bedroom. He threw me on the bed and pinned my arms against the mattress over my head.

  He went straight for my neck and started kissing every inch of it.

  “Did you miss me?” I asked.

  He hummed against my skin, making my whole body vibrate. Oh god, I could never not have him doing this to my body, could I?

  “So?” He released my arms and tipped up his head as if he’d just come back to consciousness, remembering where he was and what I was here to talk about.

  “So?” I mimicked.

  “So, I wasn’t expecting to see you until later.”

  “I couldn’t wait.”

  He grinned and his lips went back to my neck pushing his hands under my top, across my stomach. “Did you decide?”

  “Are you trying to convince me?”

  “If I were trying to convince you, using my body, I would be doing this.” His fingers strayed lower, under the waistband of my jeans, and he pushed aside my underwear with his fingers, reaching for my clit. My hands moved to unbutton my trousers, giving him easier access. I wasn’t going to object if he was going to try and fuzzy my mind with his body.