Hopeful

by Louise Bay

  “Just that?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.

  He brought his eyes from where his fingers were circling that bundle of nerves, to mine and grinned. “You take so much convincing.”

  I nodded. “You’re going to have to work really hard.”

  “I’m hardworking,” he said, pressing himself against my thigh.

  “But you suck at double entendre.”

  He smiled with me for a second and then, with both hands, he stripped off my top.

  “I thought you like the way I sucked,” he said, his head dipped and clamped his mouth around my lace covered nipple.

  “Oh, Joel.”

  ***

  “Did I convince you?” He kissed me on the top of my head as I lay on his chest, his arms around me.

  “Funny.”

  “I wasn’t trying to be. Did you decide?”

  I turned my face into his chest and pressed my lips against his skin. “No. I’m going to speak to law school and my firm and see what’s possible. And then … and then I’m not going to think about it until after our exams.”

  Joel exhaled. I wasn’t sure if it was relief or frustration. I kissed his chest again, hoping it was relief. He ran his hands across my back. “Sounds like a good plan. It will give you more time to think. I don’t want to put pressure on you, but I want you with me.”

  “No pressure, then.”

  “No pressure. But don’t underestimate how I feel.”

  “I won’t. I want to be with you, too. But let’s just sit with it for a while, get these exams out of the way, and then discuss it again. Agreed?”

  “Agreed. Shall I cook us dinner? You can be my little sous chef again.”

  “Let’s do it.”

  We pulled ourselves out of bed and I grabbed his shirt and padded into the kitchen after him. He turned around and looked at me, shaking his head. “Oh, no you don’t.” He put his hands on my shoulders and twisted me away from him and walked me out of the kitchen. “There’s no way you are going to dress in nothing but my shirt and be anything but a distraction in my kitchen. Change and stop being so fucking sexy—for just an hour—while I make us some dinner.”

  I grinned at him over my shoulder and went and found some of my own clothes to put on. When I came back into the kitchen he leaned across the counter and kissed me. “Still too sexy, but you’ll do. Peel these.” He handed me some carrots.

  “So, what’s going on with Jules?” he asked.

  “What do you mean?” I replied, mouth half-full of raw carrot.

  “With Adam. Is she into him?” Joel wasn’t a gossip. Most of the time he couldn’t give a shit what was going on around him, so I was intrigued by his question.

  “Why do you ask, Mr. Wentworth?” I squinted at him, exaggerating my suspicions.

  “Dunno. Just wondered if they were likely to become a thing.” He was concentrating hard on whatever it was he was doing with the chilies in front of him.

  “Do you care?” I asked.

  “Not really, but Adam asked me to ask you, so I’m trying to ask you subtly whether or not Jules likes Adam.”

  I let out a throaty laugh. “You boys are hilarious. So how is that subtle thing working for you?”

  “Not so good. I have Columbo for a girlfriend, apparently. She doesn’t let me get away with anything.”

  I threw a carrot at him. “Columbo? I couldn’t be one of Charlie’s Angels?”

  “Charlie was creepy. Why would you want to be his angel?”

  “Better Cameron Diaz than some middle-aged man in a flasher’s mac.” I grinned at him, “So Adam really likes her, then?”

  “I guess,” he said, trying to be nonchalant.

  “She said she gave him the night of his life.”

  Joel guffawed. “There’s no false modesty for Jules, is there?”

  “I don’t think she’s fallen madly in love, if that’s what Adam wants to know.”

  “I always thought you and he might have had a bit of a thing going on.”

  “Me and Adam? You did not.” I scrunched my eyebrows, still concentrating on my carrots.

  He nodded. “Yeah, I did. You seemed to get on well together, and you all are such a tight group, I thought it was bound to have happened or happen at one point.”

  “Well, it hasn’t. Ever. And it wouldn’t have, ever.”

  “I know,” he said simply.

  “You sound very sure.”

  “I am.”

  I giggled and so did he.

  “Because?”

  “I asked him. After that first day at the library.”

  “You asked Adam whether or not he and I had ever been involved?”

  He nodded.

  “After we studied together that first day at the library?”

  He nodded again. This was news to me.

  “Why did you ask him?”

  He looked at me and raised his eyebrows. “Are you fishing for compliments, Miss Elliott?”

  “No. Well, kinda.”

  “You shouldn’t have to fish. I should be giving them so often that you never have to. They’re there in my head all the time.” God I loved it when he said stuff like that to me. It made my stomach churn.

  “I liked you,” he continued. “I’d liked you for a while, but like I said, your little group is such a tight knit group of friends, there was never a time when I saw you without the others. And then when you came and sat with me, it seemed a perfect opportunity for us to, you know, be friends.”

  I could feel the blush across my cheeks and down my throat. I looked down, chopping already chopped carrots.

  “Are you embarrassed?” he asked. I shrugged. “Is it a shock to you that I like you?” He laughed. “The permanent hard on I have doesn’t give me away?”

  I couldn’t look at him.

  “You are just too cute sometimes.”

  “So, you don’t feel like you’re part of our group?” I asked.

  He pursed his lips and thought about it for a second. “More so now. But I don’t know how much of that’s because of you.”

  I’d finished the carrots and I went to the fridge to take out some wine. This place felt more and more like my home. Our home. I hitched myself up onto the stool and watched Joel work, his muscles flexing in his arms. He really loved to cook; the whole creative side of it really lit him up.

  “And what did Adam say, when you asked him?”

  He shrugged. “He made some kind of Adam-type comment, but I knew he hadn’t gotten in your pants.”

  “He said something about me dying an old maid, didn’t he?”

  “Something like that.”

  I mulled this information around my head. I liked the fact that he wanted to find out if I had been hooking up with Adam. I liked that he’d liked me before the library. I couldn’t quite believe it; he was so cool and handsome and popular. Even now that I knew him, he was still all those things to me.

  “Unsurprisingly, I don’t think Jules is interested. I don’t know how you’ll break it to him.”

  “Hmm, it’s a shame. I think he really likes her.”

  “He obviously likes being dominated,” I said.

  Joel raised his eyebrows. “You might be on to something there. God, I could get some real mileage out of that theory.” We chuckled together. “I’ll just tell him that you were telling me about some other guy she has her sights on. And anyway, he’s got exams to worry about.”

  “Haven’t we all.”

  “There’s only a few weeks left, and then we’ve got the rest of our lives to worry about.”

  He grinned at me but didn’t push things any further. I didn’t tell him that I liked the thought of having the rest of my life with him.

  ***

  I couldn’t decide if I was being weak. I desperately wanted to go to New York with Joel. Was it wrong for my dreams to be so intermingled with him and his dreams? My dad was right: There was a risk that 12 months would become five years. When would be a good time to st
art my career? And my parents had been so supportive of me. They’d made it very clear that if I chose to follow a boy to New York, they would be very disappointed. But, maybe I was being weak because I didn’t want to disappoint my parents? I couldn’t have it both ways. Either I went to New York, or I pleased my parents. I couldn’t do both. Either way, I was weak. Either way, I was disappointing someone.

  My finals had finished the day before, and Joel’s last exam was tomorrow. He was going to want a decision from me. Hell, I wanted a decision from me. Both law school and my law firm had said they would be happy for me to defer for a year. I hadn’t told Joel.

  I hated keeping things from him, but if I told him, he’d think the deal was sealed and I would be following him to New York City. And it wasn’t that simple.

  My parents had not changed their minds, at all. My dad had made it very clear: If I didn’t go to law school this year, he wasn’t writing any checks in a year’s time. It wasn’t just the money that was the problem. In fact, if it had just been about the money, I would go to New York in a heartbeat. I just couldn’t face the disappointment from my parents.

  The ritual when any of our circle finished their exams was that the others who had finished would meet them outside the exam hall and then we all would spend the rest of the day drinking and celebrating. So today, I had quite the hangover. Joel was the last to finish. Despite the fact that Joel didn’t feel quite at the center of our group, everyone sat in the cafeteria that lunchtime, discussing the blow out for the following day after Joel’s last exam.

  “We could get on a plane and fly to Vegas,” Adam said as if he’d just come up with the perfect plan. Everyone ignored him and continued to jabber away. “Hey! What about it guys? Vegas?”

  “We’re not going to Vegas, Adam,” I said. Adam was a smart guy, but some of the ideas he had did a really good job of disguising any intelligence he had.

  “Why do you get to decide?”

  “Fine. You go to Vegas. Have an awesome time. No one is coming with you.” My head was hurting and my tolerance for Adam’s crazy had all but disappeared.

  “They might. Joel might.”

  “Joel will not,” I replied, quite certain that the last thing that was going to happen tomorrow was that Joel was going to board a plane for Vegas with Adam.

  “What won’t I be doing?” I flicked my head around and saw Joel with a lunch tray in his hand. He looked exhausted. He put his tray down in the spot next to me and climbed over the bench to sit down. When we were in public, I avoided sitting next to him, afraid that I would give our relationship away with a look, a touch. But today I was pleased when he sat down. I wanted to soothe him, tell him it would be better.

  “How did it go?” I asked. I knew Joel had an exam this morning. He wasn’t confident about it and I’d been thinking about him all morning.

  “Who knows? I had things to write, so that’s a start.”

  I slid my hand across to his thigh and squeezed. He looked at me and smiled a tired but grateful smile.

  “Anyway, what am I not doing?” he asked again.

  “Going to Vegas tomorrow,” I said.

  “How awesome would that be? We should definitely do it. Even if it’s just the two of us. We would have such a wild time. Imagine the booze, the women. And you need to get laid. How long’s it been?” Adam was over excited.

  I could feel the warm spread across my cheeks as I concentrated on moving food around my plate.

  “Oh, it’s been more recently that you might imagine,” Joel replied.

  “I might have known that you had some girl. But I like your style, you keep it discreet. Nice.”

  I wanted to punch Adam.

  Jules interrupted at that point, clearly having heard our conversation from her end of the table where she was talking to Daniel and Hanna. “Adam, shut up. None of us are going to Vegas.”

  “Sorry, but really, we’re not going to Vegas. Maybe another time,” Joel said, taking the edge off of Jules’ put down.

  Adam looked disappointed but quickly bounced back. “So, we’re all going to come down and meet you tomorrow. 5 p.m., right?”

  Joel nodded as he chewed. I pursed my lips. I was sure Joel had told me that he was due to finish at 4:30, not 5 p.m.

  Joel finished his lunch quickly, almost inhaling his food. “Guys, I’m heading back to the library. See you later.” Joel stood and stepped over the bench.

  “Good luck,” everyone choired. “See you tomorrow.”

  I was worried. He looked pale and thinner than normal. At least tomorrow was his last day.

  And then what?

  Chapter Seventeen

  Past

  Joel and I spoke briefly the previous evening and told me that he’d told everyone that his exam finished at 5 p.m., but it actually finished at 4:30. So we could have half an hour together, just the two of us.

  I waited for him on the grass outside the exam hall, with the other students waiting for friends, my chin resting on my knees. I kept my eyes firmly on the door. I wanted to see him before he saw me.

  I’d told the others that I had to take a book back to the library and I would meet them here. I felt like I was stealing something. Maybe it was just time for Joel and me.

  My heart tripped as if I’d not seen him for months when I saw him coming out. This was it. This was the end of something. The beginning of something. I saw him first, saw him scanning the grass, looking for me, and I uncurled my legs and stood and paused, just for a second. He found my eyes quickly and grinned, that grin that could make me do anything, almost. I raced toward him and flung myself at him, wrapping my legs around his waist, pulling him closer. I didn’t want anything between us. I didn’t care if anyone saw. Not today. Not now.

  Joel didn’t let go. I expected him to first, but he didn’t so we just stood there in our Joel and Ava bubble.

  “Ava?” Joel asked eventually.

  “Yes?” I mumbled into his neck.

  “Shall we go get a drink?” He still didn’t let go and neither did I.

  “Ok, do I have to let go?”

  “Nope.” And he started walking in the direction of the pub. I started giggling and slid down his body, letting go first.

  “So, how was it?” I asked.

  “Ok. The two things I really wanted to come up did, so that was good. And it was the last one, so it’s done.”

  I nodded. I nearly walked out of my last exam. I was so over it that I didn’t care at that point if I failed. I knew what he was feeling.

  Once we had our drinks and found a table big enough for all of us, I heard Adam’s voice behind me.

  “That didn’t last long,” he said. “I just want to spend the evening with you.”

  “Give me your keys,” I said quickly. Joel looked at me but didn’t ask me to clarify as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys.

  “When I leave, give it 30 or 40 minutes, and leave them all to it and I’ll see you back at yours.”

  His answer was a simple panty-melting grin just as Adam reached our table.

  “Here he is. Geek of the week,” Adam interrupted, slapping Joel on the back. “What are you drinking?”

  Everyone got very drunk very quickly. Except me. Except Joel. They were so lost in their own alcoholic haze that they didn’t notice we weren’t in it with them. We were in the Joel and Ava bubble.

  An hour or so later, I slipped away, avoiding any big goodbyes. I went to Joel’s via the supermarket and arrived with two bags full of food, wine, and candles. I had texted him to say that he should give me an hour. I let myself in the front door. It felt odd being there without him, but I was excited. Excited to have the whole evening with him, without the pressure of studying hanging over either of us, before we started thinking about what was next. We were in a delicious limbo that would only last minutes, hours. Did we have longer than that?

  I unpacked the shopping and quickly put the wine in the fridge and the chicken into the oven. Looking at th
e clock, Joel would be here in about ten minutes and something told me he wouldn’t be late. Leaving potatoes steaming, I went into Joel’s bedroom. I was immediately hit by how it smelled of him. It was like a gigantic memory enveloping me. I smiled to myself and went to the wardrobe, pulling out his favorite shirt. I quickly changed and back in the kitchen I dug around in the shopping bags to find the candles. I dotted them about and dimmed the lights.

  Joel, being perfect, arrived just at the right moment.

  “Ava,” he called from the hallway.

  “In here.”

  “I hope you’re naked.”

  “I’m not naked, I’m cooking. I thought you’d prefer food to sex.”

  “Then you were wrong.” I turned and he stood leaning against the door frame, arms folded, watching me. “You’re wearing my favorite shirt,” he said.

  “Do you mind?” I asked, knowing his answer from the darkness in his eyes.

  “I do.”

  Oh.

  “Take it off.”

  Ohh.

  “Joel,” I said softly.

  “Take it off, Ava.”

  ***

  I lay in the crook of Joel’s shoulder, my head and hand on his chest. This is what we did. We had our best talks like this. Our best silences. Our best fun. It was my favorite place in the world.

  His hand stroked absentmindedly up and down my back. I felt his chest rise as he took a deep breath.

  “You’re not coming. To New York. Are you?”

  He was in my head again.

  I didn’t speak, couldn’t form the right shapes with my mouth.

  He pulled me closer. “It’s ok. It’s ok if that’s what you decided. I just hope it was you.”

  Tears sat still confined to my eyes and I willed them not to fall.

  “I love you,” I said. “For infinity.”

  “I know,” he said. “I love you. For infinity.”

  ***

  And he left. Two weeks later, just after graduation, Joel was on a plane to New York City and we weren’t together anymore. It was that simple and that complicated. I’d lost him. I’d given him up.