Hopeful

by Louise Bay

  He insisted that long-distance wasn’t going to work. He’d asked me to make a choice and I didn’t choose him. He was angry with me, but more than that, he was disappointed in me. I could feel the resignation in his body, his eyes, his words. He’d lost the fight that I didn’t think he thought he would ever win. He’d asked me to have faith in him, in us, and I’d refused. I’d decided to let him go rather than disappoint and oppose my parents. That was a betrayal for Joel. I got that. I knew that’s how he’d see it. Part of me saw it that way, too. I had no right to ask anything of him anymore.

  I’d wrecked him.

  I’d wrecked me.

  I’d wrecked us.

  Present

  Every single part of me shook. I couldn’t tell if it was excitement or fear. Both, maybe. I downed the shot of vodka, and as the liquid warmed me, it calmed the shaking. I knew that he wouldn’t care how I looked or what I wore, but I wanted to look good. Jules and I spent the afternoon at her gay gym and so I had access to the magic hair transformers. We spent more time in the changing rooms than we did working out, but it was totally worth it. There was something about having amazing hair that, when mixed with vodka, was like a shot of confidence straight to your heart.

  Jules left me to get ready on my own and promised to pick me up in a cab, despite her being closer to Matt and Hanna’s than I was. It was caring and thoughtful. Jules hid how utterly selfless and openhearted she could be. It was a good reminder.

  She had been surprised when I’d told her about Joel. Well, that was an understatement. She’d been stunned. And hurt that I’d not told her until now. And embarrassed that she’d so relentlessly pursued him in front of me. But she’d not been shocked in the way I expected her to be. She’d not told me that I was going to get hurt, or that men like him didn’t end up with women like me, or that I should set my sights a little lower. There wasn’t even a hint of disapproval or concern. After we had shared our apologies with each other, cried a little and hugged a lot, she was excited for me. She was cheering for me. And I loved her for it.

  I’d not told Hanna. I went back and forth on it and still didn’t know if it was the right thing to tell her first or not. I didn’t want to put her in a position where she was hiding things from Matt. And telling Matt was … that led to telling Adam, telling Daniel … being open. And I wanted to do all that, but it seemed like they all should find out together.

  I slipped on the silk jumpsuit that I’d bought especially for tonight. It looked like a simple long-sleeved all-in-one from the front, but it was backless. I was naked from my neck to below my waist. I felt it kind of suited the occasion. A little bit conservative, but a little bit shocking.

  I felt that familiar buzz across my skin as the taxi pulled up outside Matt and Hanna’s.

  “You look amazing. Go get your man.” Jules pulled me toward her in a hug and we headed into the house.

  “Wow. Girls, you look hot. Like, man-hunting hot,” Hanna said. She was in jeans. Nice jeans, but maybe we’d overdressed. No, I was here for Joel. Nothing was too much.

  I saw him from the corner of my eye, but he wasn’t looking at me. If I was a betting man, I would say he was deliberately avoiding looking at me. Deliberately being enthralled with whatever Leah and Daniel were saying. I took a deep breath and went over to the three of them.

  “Hey, guys,” I said breezily.

  Leah and I exchanged kisses and as I leaned forward, revealing my back to Joel, I was sure I heard him take a sharp intake of breath. I swallowed a grin. Daniel pulled me into a hug, feeling my back “Wow, Ava, you look amazing,” he said. Leah swatted him.

  “Don’t sound so shocked. Ava always looks amazing.”

  I smiled and turned to Joel, leaving Leah and Daniel to bicker. “Hey. You look handsome tonight, Joel.” I rested my hand on his chest and tilted my head up to kiss him on the cheek. “I’ve missed you. I’m looking forward to having you back.”

  “But nothing’s changed, Ava.” I could tell by the dullness in his eyes that he was disappointed that everyone gathered tonight didn’t know about us.

  “I know I’ve asked you to be patient before, but I just need you to give me tonight. Please. Say you will.”

  He nodded. Once. I reached up to his ear. “I love you.” And then I turned away to help Hanna.

  ***

  Everyone was seated and they clinked glasses and swapped cheers. This was it. Now was my time. I was trembling, just a little, but I’d never been so certain about anything, ever.

  “So, I have something I’d like to say.” I pushed my chair behind me and stood up. My mouth was dry and I took another sip of my champagne.

  “How dramatic!” giggled Hanna. Holy cow. She was going to be upset that I’d not told her before now.

  Joel looked at me as if I’d just run him over. Then he looked at Jules, who was beaming at me, and then back at me. I saw him realize that Jules knew. I saw it in his eyes: hope. I grinned at him. This was it.

  “You look so serious, Ava. Did someone die?” I thought that was Daniel, but I wasn’t sure. I’d stopped paying attention. The table started chattering amongst themselves, not taking much notice of me.

  “Guys, seriously, I need to say something to you.” They settled down and all eyes were on me now. “So, as you know, I don’t date.”

  “Yes, because you’re a lesbian. It’s fine, Ava, we’ve known forever. This isn’t news. Sit down and have another glass of wine.” Adam was never as funny as he thought he was.

  “Will you shut up for once?” I was going to start throwing things in a minute. “I am not a lesbian, I am not a work-obsessed crazy person, and I’m not simply frigid. I’m just … I’ve just been in love with the same man for the last decade. And because I know I’ll love him for the rest of my life, there has been no point in looking elsewhere.”

  I had everyone’s attention now. Joel shifted in his chair.

  “There will never be anyone else for me. I know that’s true. He’s it. The one. The love of my life. The thing some of you will never be lucky enough to find. He always has been and always will be my thunderbolt.” I could feel my throat tighten and tears begin to pool in my eyes.

  “I love him as much now as I did on our first date, when he cooked me chicken and refused to have sex with me because he wanted me to be ready for him. I love him as much now as I did a week ago when he walked away from me and told me to get my head together.”

  “What I’ve failed to realize, until now, is that I’ve always been ready for him. I just haven’t understood that until now. I hadn’t realized that nothing else mattered to me. I would give everything and anything up for him. I don’t need my job, I don’t need the approval of my friends, of my parents. I don’t need anyone else to tell me it’s ok. I just need him.”

  Tears had started to trickle down my left cheek as I thought about what I was going to say next.

  “And I’m afraid I might have lost him again. I’ve pushed him away, trying to make everything perfect, trying to keep everyone happy, trying to keep everything in control. I’ve caused nothing but hurt by being so scared. I’ve hurt you, my closest friends, by keeping something so important to me so secret. I’ve hurt myself by denying myself the love of my life. And worst of all, I’ve hurt you, Joel. I’m so sorry. I didn’t understand that if I didn’t have enough faith in myself it didn’t matter. You had enough for both of us.”

  I grabbed a napkin from the table and tried to stem the tide of mascara that was escaping down both cheeks now. I couldn’t look at him any longer. I just stared down at the table, unable to look at anyone.

  “I know I’ve been scared and selfish and weak, and it’s one of a hundred reasons why I don’t deserve you. But if there’s even a glimmer of hope that I might persuade you that you’re my thunderbolt, then I have to try. Because I need you. More than anything, I want you. I love you. For infinity.”

  As I stopped speaking everyone turned to Joel. I followed their eyes. His head was bowed a
nd he shook his head. Was I too late? Without looking up he pushed his chair out and stood, still looking at the floor. The room was completely silent, apart from the sound of my breath coming heavy and desperate. I felt like someone’s hand was on my heart, squeezing. He moved around the table toward me. What was he thinking? I turned to face him and when he reached me he stopped and looked at me.

  “So, you did it,” he said.

  My heart was hammering out of my chest. “I did. I meant it, Joel. I’m sorry.” My voice broke on his name and he pulled me toward him and his arms snaked around my waist.

  “It only took you the best part of a decade.” My forehead pressed to his chest. Would this be enough for him?

  “Look at me,” he whispered and I brought my eyes up to his. “So, this is it. We’re us now. Forever. Get it?”

  I nodded, desperate to see in his head.

  “So …?” Before I could clarify, he took my face in his hands and brought his lips to mine and I felt my body relax.

  I was vaguely aware of murmuring at the tables. Joel pulled back and let his hands drop to my waist. His eyes smiled at me and I knew he heard them, too. He turned his head away from me toward the table.

  “Guys, look. I’m really sorry if you are pissed at us, or you have questions and you want to hear the whole story, but it’s all going to have to wait. I need some time alone with the love of my life. We have some catching up to do.” And he took my by the hand and led me to the door.

  “You’re going to have to clear the cobwebs from her vagina.” Adam was truly gross, but I was relieved he didn’t sound upset. He sounded like Adam. An idiot. I giggled to myself.

  Joel paused and I bumped into the back of him. “Shut the fuck up, Adam. You think she’s gorgeous.” Joel responded and a warmth spread across me. He was defending me and my vagina. I tugged on his arm and he looked at me and then led me toward the door.

  “Hanna, so sorry about dinner. Speak later,” I called behind me. I couldn’t keep my eyes off Joel. I didn’t know what their faces looked like. I wasn’t sure I cared. We raced out of the front door and into a cab.

  “Sit there,” Joel pointed to the corner of the taxi. I looked at him quizzically. “Seriously. Stay over there,” he said. “Don’t touch me or I’ll have you now in the back of this cab. Your back. What you’re wearing. I mean it, stay there.” He shifted in his seat, trying to rearrange his trousers. Joel rarely looked uncomfortable, but right then I felt my power over him. My power to ruffle him. I grinned.

  “Don’t look at me like that,” he said.

  “Like what?”

  “You know what,” he replied, his eyes dark and wide.

  The tension in the car was thick, viscous. Like a spell that would be broken if anyone moved or spoke. He kept his eyes on mine like I’d disappear if he looked away for a second. I could feel the energy it took him to hold himself back. To stop himself from touching me. My skin vibrated at the thought, and I felt a heat between my thighs. My breathing became shallow and I tipped my head back and gasped.

  “Fuck, Ava.” And he grabbed me and pulled me onto his lap. Pulled my lips to his. Pushed his tongue into my mouth, desperate, hungry. His hands slid across my back, and then lower, as low as they could go. “How do I get into this thing? Or get you out?” His hands pushed under the material at the side and grazed my bare breasts and then kneaded them together. “Fuck,” he said again. I could feel him harden beneath me, twitching. My head was light and bright and full of him and his hands and his tongue.

  The cab came to an abrupt halt and Joel pulled away to check where we were. He scrambled about, reaching into his pockets, trying to find a wallet, and then he flung some money at the driver and pulled me out of the car. He strode into his building, his arm yanking mine as I clattered behind him in too-high heels.

  We headed straight to the elevator. As I stepped in, Joel pushed me against the wall, grinding himself against me, his desperate mouth against mine.

  “Joel, the button. Press the button.”

  I needed to be in his flat. I needed him to be in me. Without breaking our kiss, his hand reached out and grappled at the buttons. And we were moving and his tongue was on my neck and his teeth were grazing my jaw. When the elevator stopped, he pulled away and dug out his keys and threw the door open. Before we stepped inside, he was unbuttoning his shirt.

  “Take it off, Ava. Now,” he said.

  I froze watching him. I’d never seen him like this. Crazed with lust.

  Taking off his shirt, he walked toward me, my back to the bedrooms, forcing me to walk backward. “Take. It. Off.”

  I fumbled for the zipper at the side, trying to make my fingers work as he continued to stalk me and I stumbled backward, half-looking behind me, trying to make sure I didn’t bump into anything.

  “Off,” he said again. He kicked his trousers off and guided my back to the right wall. I expected him to kiss me again, but he just stayed there for a second, his nose almost touching mine, and then he reached behind me and opened the door and walked me inside until my legs reached the edge of a bed. I shrugged my top from my arms and the whole thing fell to my feet, leaving me entirely naked.

  “That’s better. I can see you now.” He pushed me back, crawled up me, and with warning or ceremony, he put his hand under my bottom and pushed into me. I cried out with the shock, the ecstasy of it. I’d never felt so full of him, of love, of life.

  “You are so wet, Ava.”

  I felt choked. I couldn’t speak as he moved above me, soothed me with his dirty words, made me his. There was no hiding.

  “So beautiful and ready for me.” I pulled my legs behind him urging him deeper. “Finally, so ready for me.”

  Epilogue

  Joel’s arms wrapped around my waist as he came up behind me and buried his head in my neck.

  “Stop, you’re distracting me!” I said. I tried to continue chopping the onion in front of me, but all I really wanted to do was spin around in Joel’s arms and lose myself in him.

  “You’re the distracting one. I remember warning you before about cooking while wearing my shirt.”

  I giggled in response and relaxed back into him. If I was being honest with myself, I’d worn his shirt to chop onions on purpose. I loved it when he couldn’t keep his hands off me, which was most of the time. I felt the same. We had a lot of time to make up for.

  “We only have three hours until everyone is here,” I said, trying and failing to be stern.

  “So we can go out to eat, or call caterers or something. Then we can spend the next three hours in bed.”

  “I see you’ve been working on your advocacy skills, Mr. Wentworth.” I dropped the knife and turned to face him, pulling my arms around his neck, watching him watch me.

  “Are you nervous?” he asked.

  I shook my head. “No. Not at all. Should I be?”

  “No, just checking.”

  “Are you?” I asked.

  “Of course not.”

  It had been a week since I finally found the courage to stand up and tell Joel that I loved him in front of all our friends. Tonight, everyone was coming around to dinner at Joel’s. I’d spent the week here. After all, my bed did squeak and his place was at least nineteen times bigger than mine. We’d picked up a load of my clothes from my flat this morning. There was no question that we weren’t going to be spending every available moment with each other from now on.

  I’d spoken to Hanna to apologize for not giving her the heads up before my confession. She’d been characteristically forgiving and understanding, and most of all, completely excited and happy for me. For us.

  Joel had spoken to Adam, who intimated that he had known all along. Whatever.

  I pulled Joel’s head down to mine and pressed my lips to his.

  Pulling back I said, “I’m going to go and change, and then we’re going to finish cooking and have our friends for a home cooked meal in your flat.”

  “Our home,” he said.
/>   I grinned at him. “Our home.”

  Joel nodded. “Ok.”

  “Ok.”

  “Ok, you loser.”

  ***

  “I smell something burning,” I told Joel at the exact minute that the intercom sounded.

  “Fuck!” Joel replied.

  “You see to the door, I’ll rescue the food.”

  I heard voices in the corridor as I scraped off the burned skin of the roasted peppers. No real harm done.

  “Hey, Ava.”

  I spun around at the sound of Hanna’s greeting, wiping my hands on a cloth as I moved toward her.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered as we hugged.

  “Don’t be sorry. Not on my account. I’m so happy to be here,” she replied, handing me a bottle of champagne. “And it gives us all reason to celebrate.”

  Over Hanna’s shoulder I saw Matt trail in with Adam, who seemed to scan the room, followed by Daniel and Leah.

  “Where’s Jules?” Adam asked as he kissed me on the cheek.

  “Not sure. She’s not late, though, it’s only just seven. Cut her some slack,” I replied. Adam nodded.

  Daniel grabbed me and twirled me around as Leah beamed on. “Joel’s a very lucky man,” he said.

  “And I’m a very lucky girl.”

  I was aware of Joel across the room, playing the perfect host, pouring out drinks, and hanging coats. It felt good to have my friends around me in a way it hadn’t since Joel arrived. It felt as if we were getting back to normal. A new normal.

  “So what are you going to poison us with, Ava? I’ve never known you to even boil an egg,” Adam asked.

  “You’ll find out when I serve it up.”

  The buzzer sounded again and Joel indicated he would get it.

  The six of us stood in the kitchen as Jules burst in, in front of Joel, her arms in the air waving another bottle of champagne.

  “So we finally get to celebrate Ava getting some!”

  Everyone laughed and I just rolled my eyes as I felt Joel’s hand discreetly find my back as if to reassure me.

  “Can I get you a drink to take the edge off?” he asked.