Rick Mercer Report

by Rick Mercer

  Stephen, why don't you do us a favour? Tell us what you'll do for us if you win this election, not the one that's going to happen five years from now.

  So all in all, not a bad start. Basically: name-calling, BS and outright lies. My advice is that both parties should go to their corners, think about what they've done, turn around, come out and start all over again.

  NEW MEDS, PLEASE | FEB. 14, 2005

  Parliament's been back in session for two whole weeks now and I'm guessing that at any moment Canadians might actually notice. But I've got to tell you—as far as sessions go, this one has been very exciting. Every day, Stephen Harper and Prime Minister Martin are in there hammering at one another on the major issues of the day.

  And never before have their positions been so clear. Look at Iraq. The big rumour is that at any moment George Bush is going be on the phone asking Canada to send forty troops to help train Iraqi soldiers. You'd think Stephen Harper would be all over this. After all, he was the guy who stood up in the House of Commons before the war and wanted Canada to send our army into Baghdad guns a-blazing. When he heard about the coalition of the willing, he was so willing he almost wet his pants.

  But now, apparently, he's had a change of heart. He says he's against the operation, and if Bushy calls we've got to say, hell no, we won't go. Harper is like a goldfish. He says one thing on one side of the bowl, and by the time he's turned around and swum to the other side of the bowl he's completely forgotten what he said over there and has to make up something new. To cover himself, he's saying this time that he's against sending forty troops to Iraq, unless, of course, he can become personally convinced that they will be 100 per cent safe and then they can go.

  Does this guy even watch the news? It's Iraq—of course it's not going to be safe. Armies don't get sent to safe places. That's the whole point of armies. It's easy, Stephen: find a guy in uniform, ask him. But at least we know where Harper stands on the issue. He's against it, unless he's for it.

  And what about Prime Minister Martin? What's his opinion? Who knows. He's got this new trick on the go where any time he's asked a direct question, he acts so completely baffled nobody knows what the hell he's talking about and then he gets really excited or really sad. Yes, watching these two guys go at it is like watching two superheroes. Although it's not so much good versus evil, it's ADD boy versus bipolar man.

  The future's clear, Canada. We need new meds.

  MARTIN CAN TAKE A PUNCH FEB. | 28, 2005

  Prime Minister Martin finally got some good news last week and my guess is, he's more surprised than anyone.

  The week started out the way most weeks do for Paul Martin, with lots of bad news. The biggie being The Economist magazine, which called him Mr. Dithers. For most of us, The Economist is something we might accidentally see on a newsstand, but for Martin, this is brutal. He looks at The Economist the way teenage boys look at Maxim. Yet the same week, out of the blue, for no reason, his personal approval rating went up.

  Now I follow these things, and for the life of me I can't figure out why this happened. Conventional wisdom says that if you're the prime minister and you do something clever or smooth, your numbers go up. Likewise, if you act like Paul Martin, your numbers should go down. But not this time.

  The poor old Tories must be ready to jump off a bridge, because compared to Martin, Harper couldn't look more like a leader if he'd been whipped up in a lab. With Martin, you ask him a simple question, he breaks out in bumps, whereas Harper is so calm it's freakish. He's the kind of guy who could have his foot caught in a thresher and he'd just carry on like everything was normal.

  All I can figure is that Canadians are starting to admire Martin in the same way that we admire someone who can take a punch. He's like George Chuvalo. He's standing there taking blow after blow to the head. And we know he should be spitting out teeth and hitting the mat, but nope, Martin just stands there with a great big goofy grin on his face.

  In many ways this is very Canadian. When push comes to shove, the trait that we most admire in a leader is not honesty, integrity or grace under pressure. It's who can take the biggest smack.

  HARPER'S DULL EDGE | MAR. 7, 2005

  Conservatives all across the country are gearing up for what could be the very exciting founding convention of the Conservative party.

  Yes, I find these things exciting. Bear with me.

  This is the official opposition, and yet the actual members of the two parties that merged to form this new party have never been together in a room before. And the exciting part is, they hate each other. Stick 'em in a room, give 'em a few drinks, the place could go up—total implosion.

  I know, Conservatives always say the same thing: that too much is being made of the fact that there are differences of opinion in the Conservative party. That we should focus on what they agree on, not what they disagree on. And they love to point out that there are deep divisions inside the rank and file of the Liberal party—which is true but doesn't matter, because the Liberals, when push comes to shove, will always stick together.

  Unlike the Conservatives, the Liberals would sell their own mothers to stay in power. In fact, I believe that is the founding principle of the Liberal Party of Canada: “We'll sell our mothers.” It's in Latin on a crest somewhere.

  The Conservatives are the total opposite. They would rather self-destruct than compromise just a little bit. That's what they've done for over a decade. In many ways, it's what they do best. In fact, that could be their founding principle: “We rise up, and then we screw up.”

  Maybe this time it will be different. Stephen Harper is the leader now, he's going to give the keynote address and there's no doubt about it—he can suck all the energy out of a room. So maybe this time duller heads will prevail, and at the end of the day they'll come out of this thing more united than ever before. For the sake of the party I hope that's true. But you have to admit, it wouldn't be much fun, would it?

  PRETTY UNLUCKY | AUG. 8, 2006

  The Tory caucus gathered in Toronto last week for a miniature policy retreat, and something truly shocking happened: policy was announced. This is a big departure for the opposition and it could have severe consequences. If they keep this up, people might confuse them with a national party.

  The big news is, the Conservatives are proposing a $400 million tax break for people who use public transit. It's aimed directly at big-city urban voters. When I heard this, I couldn't really believe it—because, well, it makes so much sense. In fact, it makes so much sense that I can only assume the Liberals will have stolen it by this time next week.

  Unfortunately, Harper's announcement didn't cause much of a stir in the media because, in the battle for space on the front page, the Tories once again had their asses kicked. As luck would have it, on the day Harper was making his public transit announcement in Toronto, Paul Martin was in Ottawa introducing Canada's new governor general, Michaëlle Jean.

  To be fair, Harper tried his damnedest to compete with the prime minister's photo op. He invited the media to take pictures of him getting off a Toronto streetcar with his son. In Harper's world that is pretty dynamic stuff.

  You can't really blame the newspapers on this one. When it comes to photos, Michaëlle Jean is just downright way better looking and more interesting than Stephen Harper, no matter what character from the Village People he happens to be dressed as. It must have been devastating for him, though, when he saw that practically every paper in the country ran with the picture of Michaëlle Jean instead of the one of him on the streetcar. Of course it didn't hurt that our new GG just happens to have the cutest daughter in Canada.

  Somewhere Stephen Harper is yelling at his son, “Next time be cuter, damn it!”

  AND THAT OTHER GUY

  TIME FOR LAYTON TO STEP UP | MAR. 21, 2005

  When the Liberals said no to American missile defence, there were more than a few Canadians who were seriously pissed off. But I can't imagine there was anyone more devastated than J
ack Layton.

  Now, if you don't know who Jack Layton is, that's okay, it's not your fault, you're in the majority. Jack is the leader of the NDP. And really, he only had one thing going for him. He was against missile defence when everyone else seemed to be for it. Then in one fell swoop, the Liberals put the kibosh on missile defence and took Jack out right at the knees. In fact, I would say missile defence was Jack's entire raison d'être, which is French for “He's now screwed.”

  And the NDP, they're not just screwed, it's worse than that. They're invisible. In fact, the only press Jack got in the last three months was when his appendix burst. In politics, it is a very bad sign if you're the leader of a national party and the only way you can get your name in the paper is to go in for emergency surgery and get your parts shaved. Next thing you know you're standing up in the House of Commons and all anyone is thinking is, boy, he must be itchy.

  I'm assuming of course that Jack does stand up in the House of Commons. You'd never know from watching the news. Who knows, maybe there's a media conspiracy designed to keep Jack down. Somehow I doubt it, though. I think it's a case of dull is dull and dull does not lead. The man hasn't even been thrown out of the House of Commons for calling the prime minister a liar yet. That was standard operating procedure for the NDP. If I was leader of the NDP I'd do that three times a week. That's what Canadians want. A strong, lippy NDP. Even people on the right want a strong NDP.

  But by strong, Jack, we mean from the left, not the centre. Shag the centre. The centre's full and so is the right. Canadians want one thing and one thing only from the NDP: a pit bull for a leader who is not afraid to go out there and make an arse out of himself in the name of social justice. The job's yours, Jack, time to start doing it.

  THE LAYTON-TALIBAN TALKS | SEPT. 6, 2006

  I see that Jack Layton has distinguished himself on the inter national front by coming up with a solution for the Afghanistan situation. Jack is calling for peace talks with the Taliban. It was about time the NDP got back to their more loony roots. For a while there they were coming off all semi-sensible.

  Rest assured. If there are peace talks between the Taliban and Jack Layton, Rick Mercer Report will be there. I've attended a lot of political events over the years, and as a location for the Layton-Taliban talks I would suggest one of the ballrooms at the casino in Hull. I think you might be able to smoke there, and I'm guessing the Taliban would appreciate that. All the Taliban really needs for a good time is an ashtray and a few de-peopled women making sure there's a steady supply of unsafe drinking water.

  Agenda for historic peace talks between Jack Layton and Taliban leader—Room 202, Casino Du Lac Leamy, Quebec

  8:00 a.m.—Jack Layton: opening comments and welcome to assembled media and Taliban representative. 8:05 a.m.—Taliban representative walks to podium, poses for photographs with Mr. Layton.

  8:06 a.m.—Taliban representative cleaves Mr. Layton in the forehead with giant axe.

  8:08 a.m.—Peace talks end.

  8:10 a.m.—Olivia Chow says she is “encouraged by talks”—announces plan to run for leadership of NDP.

  ON THE ROAD WITH

  JACK LAYTON

  On an NDP tour.

  Broadcast Jan. 23, 2006

  MERCER: I heard you brought the guitar out a few times.

  LAYTON: We did. A few times.

  MERCER: Jack, Jack, you can't go doing that, Jack.

  LAYTON: Why not?

  MERCER: What songs did you do?

  LAYTON: We went back to the sixties …

  MERCER: Oh.

  LAYTON: … we sang the old Bob Dylan stuff …

  MERCER: Oh, Jack.

  LAYTON: … The Times They Are A-Changin' was a big hit.

  MERCER: Oh Jack, you're killing me. What else?

  LAYTON: Well, we did get on to Barrett's Privateers.

  MERCER: Did you pass out song sheets?

  LAYTON: Song books.

  MERCER: Oh! Jack! Mother!

  LAYTON: How about if we gave you the tambourine?

  MERCER: Oh great. Or a jar with lentils in, that's a good NDP instrument.

  NETTING JASON KENNEY

  JUNE 24, 2005

  Is there a God? In the midst of a slow news week in the summer of 2005, Jason Kenney, Member of Parliament for Calgary Southeast, gave me all the evidence I would ever need.

  Listening to Jason pontificate in the Commons with all the wisdom that a self-proclaimed virgin can muster, it was all I could do not to call him up and ask for his hand in marriage …

  Like most Canadians, when I'm surfing the Internet, I have Canada's parliamentary affairs channel, CPAC, running in the background. I find I can work and think just a little bit more efficiently if I'm simultaneously entertained by the dull and dulcet tones of Peter MacKay or the shrieking wail of Anne McLellan.

  Anyway, a few weeks back I happened to catch Don Boudria standing up in the House and I could tell he was hopping mad about the anti-same-sex-marriage crowd. Apparently they'd purchased one of Don's domain names and been playing silly buggers with it.

  Don was upset that somebody stumbling across such a site would think that they were viewing an official Don Boudria website, and not a propaganda tool. Obviously Don thinks there are a lot of low-IQ voters out there Googling the hell out of Don Boudria. But I digress.

  Don felt that this was a nasty below-the-belt tactic from the family values crowd. Well, the Conservative party wasn't going to have any of this bashing of the anti-SSM crowd so Jason Kenney jumped to his feet.

  I love Jason. The honourable member from Calgary Southeast is the Conservative bright light who likes to point out that gays are allowed to get married—as long as they get married to members of the opposite sex! Jason Kenney: stupid and talking, my favourite combination in a politician. Needless to say, when Jason opens his mouth, I listen.

  Long story short, Jason told Boudria it was his own fault for not registering his own domain name. I found myself agreeing with Jason on this; I mean, doesn't the Liberal party have access to a teenager who can advise them on this kind of stuff? I bet a guy like Jason does. Anyway, Jason was just getting started. I include here a transcript from Hansard for your edification:

  Mr. Jason Kenney (Calgary Southeast, CPC): Mr. Speaker, the only additional element that the hon. member has brought to the Chair's attention relates to a matter which is in no way, shape or form within the purview of this House or your honour and it never has been, and hopefully never will be, that is to say, the registration of domain names on the World Wide Web.

  I understand my hon. friend opposite is learned with respect to parliamentary procedure but I must infer from his remarks that he is stupefiedly ignorant about commercial practices on the Internet.

  The Speaker: Honestly, the hon. member for Calgary Southeast need not suggest that any hon. member of this House is ignorant.

  Mr. Jason Kenney: Mr. Speaker, of the Internet.

  The Speaker: That does not make it better. He could say that he has perhaps missed the point or something. We do not need to use this kind of language. I would urge the hon. member to show some restraint.

  Mr. Jason Kenney: Mr. Speaker, let me be clear. I did not mean ignorant in the pejorative sense but in an objective sense that the member apparently does not understand the process by which domain names are registered on the Internet.

  While the Speaker was admonishing Jason for such unparliamentary language as “ignorant,” I started thinking: What are the chances that Jason Kenney is so stunned that he would call another MP ignorant for not having registered his domain name when he hadn't bothered to register his own?

  Not a chance, I figured. I am not that lucky.

  Turns out the chances were pretty good. Before he was down in his seat I was the proud owner of www.jasonkenney.org.

  At first, the link drove web surfers to the Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada. I wanted something that screamed Jason. Then, in honour of Pride celebrations, www.jasonkenney.org was made t
o point to Egale Canada—“Equality for Gays and Lesbians Everywhere.” My Canada includes Jason in a boa, surrounded by a dozen balloons and the Jason Kenney Dancers, vying for a best float prize in a Gay Pride parade.

  Update. I still own jasonkenney.org. A few months back the domain name came up for renewal and I thought the Christian thing to do would be to call Jason Kenney and tell him he could have it. I came very close, but then I saw him on the news again, blathering on in that constantly incensed way of his, implying that anyone who is not on board with his vision of Canada is somehow anti-Canadian, and I just couldn't bring myself to do the right thing. So I renewed it until 2011.

  Kenney desperately wants to be prime minister and spends half his time laying pipe behind the scenes to that end. Tragically, he believes that he has a good shot—which is why I figure the domain name just might come in handy someday. Until then, I will keep jasonkenney.org and continue to point it in places that I know will piss him off. Honestly—sometimes I believe that I'm still ten years old.

  IN SEARCH

  OF

  THE TRUTH

  The cliché is that in Question Period members of Parliament act like schoolchildren. This is not quite accurate; they act like the schoolchildren in Lord of the Flies, after the plane crash.

  There are, however, certain lines that politicians cannot cross in the House of Commons. One of the biggest no-no's is suggesting a member of Parliament has lied. This is taken very seriously. If an MP accuses another MP of lying and doesn't immediately throw him or herself at the mercy of the Speaker and apologize profusely he'll be thrown out of the House until such time that an acceptable apology is issued.