Rick Mercer Report

by Rick Mercer

  It is a bit ironic that this rule exists, because playing loose with the truth is as second nature to politicians as leg humping is to a chihuahua.

  It's also a fact of life that most politicians when asked will state unequivocally that their word is their bond. In this instance most of them are lying. In those rare instances when a politician develops a reputation for being honest, Canadians respond favourably.

  This is why after being elected the Tories fell in love with the slogan “Promise made, promise kept.” Like so many other utterances in the political universe, it turned out to be untrue.

  IT USED TO BE CALLED LYING | OCT. 17, 2006

  I'm happy to see that the Tories have finally unveiled their plan to fight climate change. The minister of the environment, Rona Ambrose, had been blathering on about her secret “made in Canada” plan for so long I was starting to worry that it didn't exist. But exist it does, and more importantly, the prime minister is on board. In fact Stephen Harper was so excited about this Tory environmental plan he gassed up the Challenger with 8,620 litres of jet fuel, put a couple of cabinet ministers in the back and flew all the way to Vancouver to be at Rona's side.

  And what did Rona have to say? Absolutely nothing. This was the government's only announcement on the environment to date, and the minister of the environment wasn't allowed to say a single word. Harper didn't let her. You know, I think that's mean of the prime minister. Even Hef lets the bunnies say hello once in a while.

  Harper did all the talking. He strode up to the podium with the majestic BC mountains behind him, and he made the big announcement. He announced that in the future there would be an announcement that involved consultation. And at that moment it became crystal clear to me that the prime minister of Canada thinks we're all idiots. In fact I've noticed lately that every time he addresses the Canadian people like that, he sounds less and less like a prime minister and more and more like a special ed teacher.

  Of course there are some Tories who say he has no choice. He has to do all the talking, he's got to keep his cabinet quiet, because quite frankly his ministers are—how do I say this delicately—“not very good at their jobs.”

  They may have a point. The last time Rona was allowed to speak in public, she attacked the Liberals for wasting 100 million dollars on worthless emission credits. Which would be outrageous. Unfortunately for Rona, Greg Weston over at the Toronto Sun looked into it and her numbers were a little off—say, by 100 million dollars. Turns out Rona made the whole thing up to make the Liberals look bad and the Tories look good. You know, in the old days, under the Liberals, we called that lying. These days, under the Tories, it's called action on climate change.

  UNTRUSTWORTHY | NOV. 7, 2006

  Like most people, I find it completely unnerving when suddenly everyone in the room is talking about something that I can't even begin to understand. And when that happens to me, and it happens a lot, it usually involves math. So when Stephen Harper out of the blue put a bullet into those income trusts and all the seniors went crazy, I was completely lost. And then I realized, everything I know about income trusts I actually learned during the last election, and I learned from Stephen Harper.

  I learned that it's the seniors more than any other group that invests in these things. And I heard Harper say over and over again that when he became prime minister, income trusts would be safe.

  And you know what? I believed him. And so did a lot of seniors, apparently, because they went out and kept investing in the bloody things. And why not? Harper's entire shtick—something I do understand—is that you can believe what he says. The entire raison d'etre of the Harper government is: You may not like what we do, but we do what we say; if we make a promise, you can take that to the bank. At a Harper rally you can't hear yourself think for all the Tories chanting “Promise made, promise kept” over and over like a herd of demented Moonies. Some of them get so excited that they start smacking themselves in the forehead while they chant it.

  Well, thank God that's over. The next time you hear Stephen Harper say “Promise made, promise kept,” you might want to back away, because if there is a God, the forecast calls for lightning. I'm sorry, Stephen. That's the chance you take when you mess with senior citizens and their hard-earned savings.

  I know Harper has all sorts of excuses as to why he had to break this promise to the seniors, but you know what? I don't even care. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that there's only two reasons politicians break their promises: you've already voted for them, or you've already voted for them. Turns out some things never change.

  TURNCOATS | FEB. 13, 2007

  In Canada it used to be a very big deal when a member of Parliament crossed the floor. But these days it's becoming downright de rigueur. It was just the other day that Wajid Khan left the Liberals and joined the Tories—and now Garth Turner has come out as a Liberal. If this keeps up, they're going to have to kick-start every day in the House of Commons with a rousing game of “Red rover, red rover, send your whack jobs right over.” Because let's face it, as far as big catches go, these guys are dubious at best.

  You wouldn't know it, though. When Harper announced that Wajid had crossed the floor, he didn't act like he'd just snagged a car dealer from Toronto. He acted like the heavens had just opened and God himself had come down and declared that He was a Tory. In fact Harper was so grateful that he rewarded Wajid's treachery by making him the Conservative party's new international man of mystery. Now Wajid gets to travel around the world on the taxpayer's dime and write secret reports that nobody is ever allowed to see. They're so top secret that the prime minister won't even tell us whether they're written in pencil or pen. Let's face it, though—they're most likely written in crayon.

  And then there's Garth Turner. After months of negotiations the Liberals have finally landed Garth. Or, depending on how you look at it—they came down with him. Now if I were Dion, I would have to ask myself, do I want Garth Turner? Because with Garth it's not a question of whether he's a Tory or a Liberal—it's a question of whether he's a maverick or a renegade. Which is fine if you're looking for someone to play the lead in a cheesy cop show, but not if you're looking for someone to sit in your caucus.

  In politics, in the party system, the one thing that everyone agrees on is this: the most important attribute is loyalty. And these guys have none. Yet by landing them, both leaders are claiming a massive moral victory, all the while ignoring the fact that when you bring someone into your party from purgatory, more often then not it leads to hell.

  SAVVY TEACHERS' PLAN

  JAN. 9, 2004

  I think all of us in Canada, somewhere along the line, had a special teacher who helped us out along the way, who gave us a special nudge in the right direction. Or so I've read.

  And when we think “teacher,” many words and phrases come to mind, though “business savvy” is probably well down on the list. But in fact Canada's teachers are very savvy. Teachers' pension plans in this country are some of the biggest and most powerful in Canada, the most successful of them all being the Ontario Teachers' Pension Plan.

  Why are their plans so successful? Because teachers invest in the kids. They know, for example, that for many children these days the best part of waking up is Ritalin with their cereal. It only makes sense that Ontario teachers have over $22 million invested in the makers of Ritalin. Which is why if a teacher thinks your kid should be on Ritalin, that's not a coincidence—that's what they call “synergy.”

  Teachers are all about synergy. And that is why a few years back Ontario's teachers bought a company called Cadillac Fairview, one of largest owners of shopping malls in all of North America.

  That is savvy. Once you know that the teachers actually own the malls, it's easier to understand their negotiation methods. When teachers work to rule, the kids go to the mall. Volleyball may be cancelled, but the food court is still open.

  Teachers realize, though, that not all children want to play by the rules. They don'
t want to eat their Ritalin and hang out in the food court. Some kids, the bad kids, like to hang out outside the mall and smoke cigarettes. And that is why the Ontario Teachers' Pension Plan has over 64 million dollars invested in the tobacco industry.

  Now I'm not saying teachers think its okay for young people to smoke, just that with 64 million dollars on the line they've got to be hoping that young people will smoke. Especially the girls, because they think they look fat.

  And in all fairness, the Ontario Teachers' Pension Plan website points out that $40 million of that money is invested in the Phillip Morris tobacco company, which considers itself an industry leader in convincing young people to butt out.

  So kids, if tomorrow in school your teacher asks you why you don't have your homework done, you can say, “You know miss, or sir, I don't have my homework done because I was watching TV. But I learned a very important lesson. I learned that teachers are savvy. And apparently you have a piece of everything, and are deserving of our respect. Much like the well-loved fictional character Tony Soprano.”

  So in conclusion, I implore every child in Canada to look at their teachers with new respect. Because while the bell may ring at 2:45 p.m., your teachers are always with you. In every mall you hang out in, in every Ritalin you swallow, and in every cigarette you smoke.

  Update: The Ontario Teachers' Pension Plan still has shares in Novartis, the maker of Ritalin and Altria, the parent company of Philip Morris International. We asked the OTPP to comment and a spokesperson said: “By law, public pension plans cannot screen investments on the sole basis of social, environmental, political, or other non-financial criteria. The Ontario Teachers' Pension Plan has a responsibility to make investment decisions that are in plan members' best financial interests after carefully considering all the factors that could impact a company's long-term performance. If plan members want a social investment screen for the plan's investment, they must first decide which investments are acceptable, and then get the Ontario government—the other plan sponsor—to change the law.”

  MY

  NEWFOUNDLAND,

  RIGHT

  OR WRONGED

  John Crosbie, the face and voice of Newfoundland politics for many a decade, never saw a microphone he didn't like and never opened up without a joke. One of his favourites was, how do you spot the Newfoundlanders in Heaven? They're the ones who want to go home.

  It's funny because it's true.

  PAUL'S NEW DEAL | NOV. 8, 2004

  I can remember being in junior high when they wheeled in TV sets so that we could watch as Brian Peckford, the premier of Newfoundland, held up a beaker of oil and announced that the days of being a have-not province would soon be over.

  The entire class burst into laughter. Because we knew what we were: we were the poorest province in Canada. And if you ever forgot that, all you had to do was wait five minutes and someone would remind you. We also knew that if there was ever any money in this offshore oil racket, somehow Newfoundland would get ripped off.

  And now, twenty-odd years and five premiers later, still no deal.

  We had a deal, we had a really good deal—we had a deal with Paul Martin. In the middle of the last campaign, Martin stood up and said that Newfoundland should be able to receive 100 per cent of its oil revenues, no ifs, ands or buts. And then, as if the gods of cruelty were watching, it was snatched away in about as much time as it took for Newfoundland to vote Liberal. After which, the people at the Department of Finance started to hear rumours that maybe Newfoundland wouldn't be so poor all of a sudden, and panicked.

  And now there's a new deal: Newfoundland gets to keep its profits, but only as long as it remains poorer than Ontario. Apparently the notion that the poor, ignorant Newfoundlanders could some day be as good as the crowd in Ontario is so offensive that safeguards have to be built in to ensure that this never happens.

  Newfoundland is supposed to go along with this? Mr. Martin, I don't know much, but I know this: that is never going to happen. Because if stubborn paid money, Newfoundland would be rich.

  A deal is a deal. Newfoundlanders knows that. We've seen enough bad ones to last a lifetime.

  DANNY FOR LEADER | APR. 11, 2006

  The 39th Parliament has been up and running for a week, and it is not what I expected. What amazes me about watching Prime Minister Harper in action is just how cocky the guy is. And he's not cocky because he thinks he's so good. He's cocky because when he looks at all the people that want to lead the Liberal party, he feels invincible.

  If you're a Liberal, this is a very bad sign. The Liberals can have all the namby-pamby conversations they want about what Liberal qualities they need in a leader, but what they should really be asking themselves is one question only: Who will put the fear of God into Stephen Harper?

  I've looked at the list of candidates, and the choice is obvious. Danny Williams for leader of the Liberals.

  I know the guy is not a Liberal. But people are starting to change parties like they change pants. And I know the guy's got a job. He's the premier of Newfoundland. Doesn't matter, the boss is very organized. He can do two jobs. Actually, three jobs. Because he should also be the premier of Alberta.

  And I would like to say that he should have these jobs because he's the only one who's qualified, but that's not it. It's that when you look around the political landscape, he's the only guy with a vision. People actually know what he stands for, and in Liberal circles that would make him unique. Plus, he has the added bonus of being able to take a cocky guy like Stephen Harper and turn him into a whimpering simp before breakfast. That's what the Liberal party needs, and it doesn't have it. So if I were them, I'd keep looking, or the party might be over.

  NOT ALBERTA | OCT. 24, 2006

  Depending on who you ask, this week Newfoundland picked a fight with Ottawa or Ottawa picked a fight with Newfoundland.

  I have no idea who threw the first punch, but I know this: right now the relationship between Stephen Harper and Danny Williams is about as friendly as the one between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. I wouldn't be surprised if at any minute Danny went totally Paul McCartney on us and tried to stab Harper in the leg with a broken wine glass.

  Mind you, to hear Harper's people tell it, the prime minister has had a huge triumph. He had the courage to fly down to Newfoundland and give Danny a smack that sent a message to everyone in Atlantic Canada.

  Danny wants something called fallow field legislation, and Harper doesn't want him to have it. Danny wants to be able to tell oil companies that if they discover oil in Newfoundland, they've got to use it or they lose it, because as it stands now, if they discover oil, they don't have to develop it at all. They can sit on that oil forever like it's some sort of guaranteed RRSP

  This is an epic struggle. This is the people of Atlantic Canada versus oil companies in Houston. And I ask you, do you think anyone on God's green earth believes that Steven Harper's going to side with Atlantic Canada on this one? And anyway, where does Danny get off thinking Newfoundland, of all places, can have fallow field legislation? Where the hell does Danny think he is? Alberta?

  Maybe he does. Because you know what? They've got it in Alberta. In Alberta, if you discover oil, you've got five years to develop it, after which the Province tells you to get out of the way while they bring in someone who will. But of course, that's Alberta. And in Stephen Harper's Canada, Atlantic Canada and Alberta are treated very differently.

  As it stands now, oil companies in Alberta make money by finding oil and then producing oil, but they can make money in Newfoundland by finding oil and producing nothing.

  And unfortunately, “nothing for Newfoundland” is a principle Stephen Harper will fight for.

  OFF-ROAD WITH

  DANNY WILLIAMS

  A 4 x 4, Seal Cove,

  Newfoundland and Labrador.

  Broadcast Oct. 23, 2007

  MERCER: These things go up the side of cliffs.

  WILLIAMS: I think the real practical applicat
ion for me would be if I could get this thing to go up the side of the Peace Tower. Be kind of a King Kong kind of thing, you know.

  Later, during an extremely bumpy ride …

  WILLIAMS: I'd like to have Steve here in the Jeep with me for this one.

  MERCER: And by Steve you mean our prime minister?

  WILLIAMS: I do.

  MERCER: He doesn't like being called Steve.

  WILLIAMS: Is that right? I never knew that. Are you serious? It's his name.

  THE IGGY ENIGMA

  Poor Michael Ignatieff. All the man wanted to do was return to Canada, become a cabinet minister in Paul Martin's government and then, after a few years, assume his rightful position as king of the Dominion of Canada. Of course, when he made this plan how could he have known that Martin and the Liberal party were destined for defeat? Well, he could have read it in a newspaper, I suppose, but the sad reality is that most newsstands in America do not carry either The Globe and Mail or the National Post. Iggy was out there in the big, bad world flying on nothing but his instincts.

  So Iggy returned to Canada as planned and no sooner had he landed and got himself elected in the cozy safe Liberal riding of Etobicoke Lakeshore than the Liberals were defeated and Iggy had no choice but to run for the leadership of the party …

  GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT | APR. 4, 2006

  The Liberal leadership race got a little more interesting this week when Michael Ignatieff, or Iggy, as his friends call him, finally made it pretty much official that he wants the top job. And personally I like the cut of his jib.

  For starters, he's a worker bee. You can't take that away from the man. Every time you turn around, there's Iggy, writing another speech, making another presentation on the subject of torture. I admire anyone who has a hobby. There are a couple of nervous Nellies out there who find it a little disconcerting that the so-called saviour of the Liberal party constantly has to clarify whether or not he's obsessed with putting electrodes on people's genitals. I say, what odds, bring it on, it might even brighten up the convention. I mean, God knows what Iggy's got planned for those tense couple of hours between the second and third ballots.