Rick Mercer Report

by Rick Mercer

  Part of the fun of watching Harper in action has been seeing this metamorphosis take place. Stephen Harper, the one-time Western reformer and personal advocate of small government is now the Quebec-focused big-spending prime minister who is allergic to personal income tax cuts. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

  CLIMATE CHANGE | JAN. 23, 2004

  I love Canada as much as the next guy. I've always believed that if you were born in Canada, you had won the lotto. But that said, at this time of the year even the most dyed-in-the-wool Canadian can be forgiven for wondering why anyone in their right mind would want to live in a frozen hellhole like this. We all have our weak moments.

  But now the solution is here. It's been suggested recently that perhaps the Turks and Caicos, a little bit of Caribbean paradise, just might want to become a Canadian province or territory.

  Now, this is not a new idea. In fact, do you know who came up with it? Robert Borden, in 1917. In typical Parliament Hill fashion, good ideas sometimes take about a hundred years to get recognized. But the amazing thing about this proposal is that it's doable.

  There are only about twenty thousand citizens in the Turks and Caicos. Population-wise, this is like picking up a small Canadian town, with sunshine and beaches. And yes, they would have to be given Canadian-style health care, but come on—how much does it cost to tell twenty thousand people they have to wait six months for a CAT scan?

  Paul Martin should jump at this. How many prime ministers get to add another province? Come on, Paul. George Bush is attempting to inspire Americans with a vision of putting an American on the surface of Mars. Shag that. You want to inspire Canadians, give them a vision of parking their ass on a beach for week. Go for it, Paul. My Canada includes a forty-below windchill factor—but my Canada also includes the Turks and Caicos.

  LAST CHANCE TO VOTE | NOV. 1, 2005

  Every now and again it's good for all of us to sit back and take stock of where we have been and where we are going. Or at least that's the advice of people who are far smarter than I am.

  It's been just over ten years since Quebec went to the polls and voted in the last referendum. Ten years since we as a nation came together, sat around on our couches, ate chips and watched as the country teetered on the brink of total destruction. And of course since then, the greatest minds and the greatest leaders a nation could muster have worked together and done their best to ensure that Canada is even more screwed up now than it was back then.

  Ten years ago, if you drove around Calgary, the bumper stickers said, “The West Wants In”; now they say “The West Wants Out.” Ask the people why and they'll blame the East, and by the East they are referring to Ontario. This drives me nuts, because if you look at a map, Ontario's really more in the middle. The East is that other part of Canada, where the only way they can get anyone to pay attention to them is to pull the Maple Leaf down off the flagpoles.

  And Quebec—cripes, if you're a federalist in Quebec, you couldn't get elected as a prostate examiner. And you can't really blame the bloody Québécois. What federalists are they supposed to vote for? The Liberals are criminals, and the Tories don't even speak French.

  Imagine if you were ten years old on referendum night. That means you're twenty now and your entire life experience as a citizen of Canada has been witnessing a nation in crisis management. It's like we get off on it or something.

  And only 38 per cent of twenty-year-olds voted in the last election.

  We know now that there's going to be another election in Canada very soon. Please, if you're under twenty, do us a favour: this time get off the couch and vote. Because if you leave it to the rest of us, it might just be your last chance.

  LOSING AT CHESS | NOV. 28, 2006

  You have to hand it to Stephen Harper—the man is on a roll.

  The Tories like to say that Harper is good at his job because above all else, he is a master chess player. In one bold move, he stood up in the House of Commons, he embarrassed the Bloc and he protected his own seats in Quebec. And all he had to do was table a simple motion that says from now on, the government of Canada recognizes that the Québécois form a nation inside a nation.

  So all you kids in grade three can forget what you just learned about Canada being ten provinces and three territories. We are now nine provinces, three territories and a nation inside a nation.

  When you write this down, kids, you might want to use a pencil. Because there's going to be a lot more nations to learn about. Take the Cree in Quebec. Clearly they're a nation. Well actually, they're a nation inside a nation inside a nation. Imagine you are a Cree person who is gay, who cheers for the Blue Jays and who lives in Montreal. You'd be a member of the Cree nation, you'd hang out in the Queer nation, you'd cheer along with the rest of the Blue Jays nation and you'd live in the Quebec nation, which just happened to be inside the Canadian nation.

  Yes, clearly Harper is a great strategist. But obviously he did not grow up in a huge family. Because if he did, he would know that, sure, some kids get away with more than others, some kids even get special treatment, but there is not a hope in hell that Mom will ever stand up and recognize one child as her favourite. No special status. And why? Because Mom knows that if she ever put that in writing, say, in a birthday card, it's exactly the type of thing that could destroy the entire works.

  So whip-de-do-da-day, Stephen Harper plays a mean game of chess. But I hope he realizes Canada is not a board game but a nation. And we only have one to lose.

  SAME-SEX THURSDAY | DEC. 6, 2006

  The debate over same-sex marriage is back. I see this as a positive development. Where did Canadians get the idea that once a minority's rights are defined they are somehow set in stone? It's time Canadians woke up and realized those days are long gone. This is an era of reflection.

  Sure the Charter looks nice hanging on a wall, but the fact is, it grants far too many rights that are contrary to the deeply held personal views of many chubby white guys.

  I hear rumours that the Conservatives plan on devoting every Thursday in the House of Commons to more votes on minority rights. Their list of motions so far includes debates on whether the Chinese should be allowed to drive, whether women should be allowed to vote and whether turbans should be allowed in elevators that travel more than sixteen floors.

  In order to ensure that all minorities are targeted equally, the Conservatives have come up with an ingenious way of creating motions.

  This year, in lieu of a Secret Santa exchange, every Tory has to write on a slip of paper the name of a minority that bugs them. On the back of the slip they must write a so-called “right we all enjoy.” The slips will be mixed up and placed in a gorgeous festive ballot box decorated by John Baird for the occasion. At this year's Christmas party each member will be blindfolded and asked to draw a slip of paper out of the box. That slip of paper is their own present and Canada's too. Imagine the hilarity that will ensue when Justice Minister Vic Toews stands up and says, “This year my Christmas gift is a motion to debate whether Hindus can own property in New Brunswick.”

  I can hear the laughter from here.

  DOG OF A BLOG

  MAY 30, 2007

  The Conservative party has launched a website dedicated to bringing Canadians something called “Kyoto's Blog.” This is a scathing piece of satire, presented as if it had been written by Stéphane Dion's dog. The premise alone is hysterical. Think about it. Dogs can't write and yet this dog apparently has a blog! Can you imagine how funny it would be to see a dog typing on a computer? I wish I'd had this idea.

  From a show-business perspective it's interesting that Prime Minister Harper is making the blog available in both official languages. This is cutting edge and very risky because comedy in English generally doesn't translate well into French, especially this kind. And by “this kind” I mean the “Let's make the French look stupid because they are French” kind.

  In this official Conservative party blog, Kyoto the dog likes to qu
ote his “master” Stéphane Dion, and of course Dion speaks in broken English. According to the dog, no matter what is said to Dion he reacts by saying, “You don't know what you speak about!” The dumb Frenchie can't speak English! Dion is not a leader because English is his second language and he makes mistakes!

  Kyoto also says really funny things, like “Time for bed. I'll dream about France. Stéphane tells me we will move back one day.”

  Dion was born in Quebec and has lived most of his life in Canada, but his mother is from France. I think the Conservatives' idea is that if people in English Canada keep being told that Dion is from France they will eventually believe it and he will become even more unpopular. There is comedy for you: Stéphane Dion's mother is an immigrant! An immigrant's son wants to be prime minister!

  While I'm sure this kills inside the Conservative caucus, I'm not so sure it will elicit the same guffaws in Quebec—but hey, I have been wrong before.

  BULLIES

  Parliament is populated with bullies. The Tories' front man on a dozen issues, John Baird, loves nothing more than to stand up in the house and bully an opposing member with the glee of a neglected thirteen-year-old.

  Watching bullies in the House—and every party has them—you can't help but think they must be part of this “cycle of abuse” we hear so much about. Look at the MPs who get in the most trouble for unparliamentary behaviour—MPs like Pierre Poilievre. Aren't they really yelling and screaming at some demons from a playground past? This is purely a guess, but I bet a guy like Pierre didn't have much of an opportunity to bully kids when he was in junior high and so when he gives people the finger in the House of Commons, he's just making up for lost time. Unfortunately, it works. In the House of Commons he who yells the loudest and is the most demeaning often wins.

  HOUSE PARTY NOV. 15, 2004

  I was in Ottawa last week. I went up to the House of Commons, I sat up in the gallery and I watched Question Period live in all its glory.

  The one thing you can always rely on about Question Period is this: no matter how badly behaved the members were on your last visit, things will have gotten way worse.

  Question Period now is like your grade-seven class if your teacher had left you alone for five minutes to go out for a smoke and never returned. Any pretence of civility has left the building. When John Efford, the minister of natural resources, stands up to answer a question, nobody can hear a word the man is saying, because the minute he opens his mouth, Stephen Harper leads the entire opposition in a chorus of “Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey-eh, goodbye.” They're singing songs on the floor of the House of Commons. And it's very effective. Efford looks like he's gonna burst into tears any minute.

  There's so much racket in there that if you closed your eyes you'd swear you were at a hockey game. It's as if Tourette's syndrome suddenly became airborne, but only inside of Parliament.

  I like it.

  Nothing got accomplished. But the prime minister and his ministers had no choice but to sit there and take every single question and every single insult. Not a bad system, really but one that has to be seen to be believed. Every Canadian should look in on Question Period once before they die, if for no other reason than to have their worst suspicions confirmed. And their best ones as well. Believe me, it's worth the price of admission—which, like Canada, is absolutely free.

  YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS | MAR. 7, 2006

  What a week for Ralph Klein. After years of threatening to unleash it upon the nation, Ralph has finally unveiled his Third Way Health Care Plan. Not to be confused of course with his Three Ways to Embarrass Yourself Plan, which he also unveiled this week.

  Ralph's health care plan is pretty straightforward. Basically, if you're on a waiting list for a new hip, you should be able to slap down your gold card, pay twelve grand and go to the front of the line. If you don't have twelve grand, you go to the back of the line. Thanks, Ralph.

  If you're the type of person who can pay for a hip, you've always had that option. It's not the third way, it's the American way. You don't call Ralph, you call Air Canada. You go to Chicago, you give them twelve grand, they'll give you a new hip by Friday If you ask nice, they might even give you a boob job.

  But the advantage of Ralph's way is that not only does it make it easier for people with money it makes it harder for people without money In Ralph's world, that's a bonus. Now before you get upset that I'm implying that Ralph is some sort of out-of-control bully, it should be pointed out that this week, while trying to sell this plan, Mr. Threeway became so upset he literally threw a book at a seventeen-year-old girl who works as a page in the Alberta legislature.

  I ask you, Canada, who in the hell does this? I mean, come on, Ralph, you're a grown man. You're the size of a frigging bull, for God's sakes, and you're throwing things at a teenage girl whose job it is to pass you things. If you did that in grade eight, you'd be sent home.

  You'd be told to pack your books and your kirpan and go the hell home out of it.

  So what happens to Ralph? Nothing. He apologizes for the umpteenth time and then goes about his business of promoting the third way. Or, as Ralph would say “Make it a triple.”

  EDUCATING RONA I | JAN. 9, 2007

  Poor old Rona Ambrose, eh? The woman becomes the minister of the environment in a government that says right off the top that the environment is not a priority; she does exactly what she's told, which is basically nothing; and then she gets the slap for it.

  But make no mistake, the rise and fall of Rona Ambrose says very little about Rona's abilities, and everything about the prime minister. Because Stephen Harper, he made it clear from day one. He's the head coach here. He put Rona in the game, he called the play, it went badly, she took the blame.

  But of course, for Harper, a blaming wasn't good enough. He also arranged for her to have a good old-fashioned shaming. The one thing you can say about the Harper government is this: leaks never happen. If there is a leak, it is always intentional. So when word got out that poor old Rona was on deathwatch you can be guaranteed that the news came directly from head office. And Harper,he got to sit back over the holidays for five weeks, put up his feet and read two thousand articles that said Rona was about to be fired for total incompetence.

  You know, this represents a new style in Canadian politics. Chrétien, Mulroney, they would crawl over broken glass to protect a cabinet minister. Whereas Harper takes a different approach. He takes the angry, disappointed dad-with-a-penchant-for-lashing-out approach.

  Thanks to what happened to Rona, every single cabinet minister got the message loud and clear. When things go well, Dad takes the credit; when things go bad, you take the blame. There's a word for that kind of behaviour—but you're not allowed to say it on TV.

  IT DOES GET BETTER | NOV. 27, 2007

  Last week was National Bullying Awareness Week in Canada. Now, for those of us long out of school, it's tempting to treat that one like National Nutrition Week and ignore it altogether. But unfortunately, if you Google “bully,” “Canada” and “suicide” you'll get more hits than if you were searching for “Paris Hilton” and “hotel room.”

  And we're not talking about one or two horror stories here—we're talking about hundreds. And the more of these stories you read, the more you realize the greatest thing about being an adult is that no matter how bad things get you never have to go to grade nine ever again. Because for a lot of kids out there going to school doesn't rank right up there as the best days of their life. Because they're different in some way, they look at going to school like some sort of prison sentence. And you can't blame them. I mean, you walk in the door when you're five years old, they keep you for twelve years, you're not allowed to leave. Cripes, in this country, you do less time for murder.

  Now of course, the minute you leave school you immediately forget how bad it can be for some people. But you want to say to these kids who are being bullied, You know what? You're right. These are not the best days of your life. In fact, these are
probably the worst. But after this, they get better, and then—believe it or not—they get great. Trust me: I'm one of the smartest guys I know.

  And if you're being hassled because you're a geek—in a few years, you will inherit the earth. The biggest geek I went to school with was seventy-six pounds; he got hassled every day. The poor guy, he couldn't walk up a flight of steps without falling over to the left or getting a nosebleed. I have no idea how he got through it—in hindsight, he is the bravest man I know—but these days he's as happy as Larry. He runs a video game company in California. If I had his money, I'd burn mine.

  And if you're being harassed in school because you're gay, the fact is, in a few years you will have more friends than you know what to do with. You can be as open as you want. Not only will you be the funniest guy in the room, but when you fly standby on Air Canada you'll get a free upgrade to business class. Because the guy behind the counter, he's gay too.

  So if you're being bullied in school because you're different, please, tell someone about it, and remember, even in a real prison, eventually, everyone gets parole.

  TALKING TOUGH WITH

  JEAN CHRÉTIEN

  Ottawa.

  Broadcast Nov. 20, 2007

  MERCER: When people think of Jean Chrétien being prime minister we immediately think of images like the Shawinigan shake—you grabbing the guy

  CHRÉTIEN: I grabbed him by the neck.

  MERCER: You did.

  CHRÉTIEN: But you know, he was a bit too close—

  MERCER: Am I too close now?