Rick Mercer Report

by Rick Mercer

  CHRÉTIEN: —and dangerous. It was a protester, and he came rushing to me. And I flip him over. And he lost his bridge.

  MERCER: The bridge in his mouth.

  CHRÉTIEN: Yes. And he asked for me to pay back that. And Donolo said to me, don't worry, Prime Minister, we'll put it on the infrastructure program.

  HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

  MAR. 18, 2008

  People who cover politics in Canada know very well who Ezra Levant is. The rest of the country couldn't pick him out in a lineup. Which I always believed was a good thing because, without a doubt, he is one of the most aggravating men on this earth. And I only say that because—in full disclosure—he happens to be a friend of mine. I've known him for over ten years.

  The last time I saw Ezra I was doing a show in Alberta. The audience, they were all conservationists. They were saving rivers. Ezra picked me up after the show for a beer. I walked out front, and there was Ezra, leaning against his Hummer smoking a cigar and, yes, the engine was running.

  Which I'm sure he did purely for my benefit. The man is a provocateur, he is an agitator and now, thanks to the Alberta Human Rights Tribunal, he's become a freedom fighter. He's been defending his actions in front of that tribunal for the past two years. He has no idea when it's going to end, he has no right to a speedy trial and he has to pay his own legal costs while his accusers do not.

  So what is it that Ezra did? Well, he published the Western Standard—in my opinion, a completely nutty magazine. He once published a column by a stay-at-home mother of nine who offered witty tips from her pastor on how to avoid your children turning out gay. But to be fair to Ezra, every time I complained he'd say the same thing: “You should write your own column. I'll publish it next week. Word for word.” If nothing else, Ezra believes in freedom of speech.

  Which is why I knew, when half the world exploded because some newspaper in Denmark published cartoons of the prophet Mohammed, Ezra would republish those cartoons so we could see what all the fuss was about. Yes, it would offend people, but I knew he'd do it anyway. Because that's what Ezra does. Hey, it's a free country.

  Well, it used to be. Since then, he's spent over $100,000 defending his right to republish the cartoons. And his magazine—well, it went out of business. The gods of the free market took care of that. It turns out that not many people were interested in what the magazine had to say. So it's gone. But if we're not careful, if we force the Ezras in this country to shut up, our freedom of speech could be next.

  TREATING US

  LIKE IDIOTS

  H.L. Mencken said, “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste and intelligence of the American people.” Plenty of people in Canadian politics seem to feel the same way about us.

  Thankfully, in politics, once the people get the whiff that they are being taken for granted or treated like sheep, they bounce the offenders from office. In Canada, after all, we don't elect people to office so much as throw them out. Treating the electorate like idiots is the fastest way to the unemployment line.

  A BOLD PLAN | MAR. 15, 2004

  It has been a very busy week for Paul Martin. The revitalization of the Liberal party continues. First up, the execution of Sheila Copps was a tremendous success. The Martinites punted Sheila so hard in the head, her grandchildren are going to feel it. And let's face it, she deserved it.

  Let us not forget, this is a woman who committed the ultimate sin: this is a woman who ran for the leadership of the Liberal Party of Canada. And you can't do that and get away with it. Not in that party. All the white guys in the party who wanted that job had realized this and dropped out of the race long before their names showed up on any ballot. But not Sheila. Nope, she wanted to stay in the race. And therefore they have destroyed her. Plus, let's face it, she probably bugged the hell out of them for the last decade.

  That is the way things are in the Liberal Party of Canada—a party that has, wait for it, just unveiled a new logo. Can you stand the excitement? This is clearly a party revitalized. Thanks to Paul Martin, they got rid of Sheila and they got a new font, all in one week.

  And now it looks as though they're going to head to the polls sooner rather than later. The idea is, once Canadians get a look at this shiny new logo and Paul Martin's smiling face,we will become so baffled that all Liberal sins will be forgiven. This is a bold plan. They've taken a clunker, they've slapped on some new paint, they're calling it brand new, and it just might work. As long as nobody looks under the hood.

  But it makes me think that the Martinites are forgetting something about Canadian voters that Jean CHRÉTIEN always understood: that when it comes to politics, we're not as stunned as we look.

  I'M SO SCARED | JAN. 17, 2006

  There's a week to go until the big vote, and what have we learned? First of all, that negative ads work.

  The Conservative ad where they've taken the ugly picture of Paul Martin and turned him red so he looks like Satan is very effective. By and large, Canadians do not like the idea of being governed by Satan, no matter how well the economy is doing. And then there are the Liberal ads. These have shown us that while negative ads work, stupid ads don't. Because the Liberals have taken stupid to a whole new level. It's an art now. It's like the Liberals woke up one morning and said, “You know, Canadians, they think we're arrogant and corrupt. Let's add stunned to the list and make it a hat trick.”

  I'm talking about the ads that accuse Stephen Harper of wanting to put soldiers with guns in Canadian cities. Which is true. Harper has promised to station four hundred soldiers in Vancouver, Calgary, Regina and Winnipeg, to deal with natural disasters. And the Liberals made it sound as though Harper had some freaky plan to enact martial law. Because Canadians are afraid of soldiers, right? Wrong.

  I can guarantee you, whoever created that ad has never met anyone in the Canadian Forces, has never been around anyone in the Canadian Forces. I have—hundreds of them, all of them carrying guns—and I never felt so safe in my life. Cripes, there's twenty-four thousand soldiers in Atlantic Canada alone. The last time I bumped into three soldiers, in the middle of the night, in Halifax, do you know what they did to me? They pushed my car out of a snowbank.

  Now personally, I don't know why we need four hundred soldiers standing around at all times in downtown Regina waiting for a natural disaster. Maybe Stephen Harper's aware of some sort of natural-disaster prophecy that I'm not aware of. I do know this, though. If you treat Canadians like idiots, you will lose. That's not a prophecy, that's a fact. A fact the Liberals are about to find out.

  FIVE AND COUNTING | APR. 18, 2006

  In politics, some people—cynical people, not people like me—believe the name of the game is fooling people. To them, success is treating the electorate like a bunch of dummies and then getting away with it. Well, if that's the case, I'm starting to think Stephen Harper is some kind of genius.

  The perfect example is this five priorities stuff. That is the new mantra in Conservative Ottawa. This government has five priorities and only five. And for a long time I thought this was a good idea. I thought, this Harper, he's a very focused man. But then the more I thought about it, I came to realize that a government with just five priorities is completely idiotic. I mean, imagine if you had to do that in your own life—pick your priorities and stop at five. Most Canadians would say, okay, well I guess I have to feed and clothe the kids and give them shelter and send them to school and keep them healthy. Bang, that's it! Five! You can accomplish nothing else. Congratulations, you're now a very successful Amish person.

  Most Canadians can't live their life like that, so I don't know where Harper gets off thinking that's the way to run a country. Five priorities doesn't cut it when you factor in ten provinces, three territories, thirty-five million people, a war in Afghanistan and a record number of smog days. When I was growing up my mother could do fourteen things at once with her eyes closed, and she had a full-time job.

  I want a prime minister who can accomplish at least half
that. So aim high, Stephen.

  Whatever you think, Canadian voters can count higher than five.

  THE RIGHT WOMAN | NOV. 20, 2006

  I have never endorsed a political candidate before, but now the time has come.

  Like most Canadians, I am watching the campaign leading up to the by-election in London, Ontario, with bated breath. It's a barnburner of a race, and there's no doubt that all of the parties have fielded strong candidates. It's my belief, however, that one candidate stands head and shoulders above the rest. If I could vote in this one, I would have to mark an X for Dianne Haskett.

  I also believe it is a testament to the Conservative party that it can attract a candidate of Ms. Haskett's stature. My goodness, they had to look all the way to Washington, DC, to find her.

  The fact that Ms. Haskett has been in America working for the Republican party for the past six years may seem like a deficit at first glance, but I say every cloud has a silver lining. It will be easy to spot the Tory candidate in the Santa Claus Parade this Saturday: just look for the car with the American licence plates and the Bush-Cheney sticker.

  Predictably, some local Tories are upset that Ottawa hand-picked the candidate it wanted over the wishes of the local riding association, but let's face it, that's just sour grapes. Having a puppet of the Prime Minister's Office is an honour for the people of London.

  In fact the Prime Minister's Office has so much confidence in Ms. Haskett's ability, it actually owns her. Well, it doesn't own her, of course, but it does own her name. These days the single most important tool of any politician is his or her Internet identity. In Dianne's case, she doesn't control her online identity—the Conservative Party of Canada does. In fact the party bought her domain name days before she was given the nomination. The party also owns her office furniture, photocopier and portable sound system.

  From the prime minister's perspective, owning a candidate's name is simply an effective and proven way of controlling people.

  In the sixties, radio stations in the United States used to make a practice of owning the on-air names of “Negro DJs.” That way, if disc jockeys ever stepped out of line, the station could not only fire them but stop them from working under those names for anyone else. Of course, this name-owning practice has long been abandoned, because apparently it's despicable. Nice to see it resurrected in the Prime Minister's Office. My guess is that some keen whipper-snapper in the head office was reading up on the civil rights movement in the United States and got some good ideas while they were at it.

  London is crawling with these Ottawa-based political operatives these days. PMO staffers and minister's aides have been bussed into the riding on a regular basis, each armed with a Mapquest printout and a list highlighting the names of local malls. They go door to door for Dianne making sure to drop local references into the conversation so they can dupe the person on the step into believing they grew up six streets over. Look out, London—this is the big time.

  This on-the-ground support from Team Calgary is an encouraging sign from head office. They know that with Dianne Haskett, they have a winner on their hands.

  In politics, being ahead of the curve is the sign of true greatness. Some candidates can talk a good game, but Dianne has a solid record.

  For example, she was against gay rights long before that became trendy. When the rest of the country was blasé about the homosexual threat, Dianne was alerting all who would listen that the homos were on the march. When she did a stint as mayor of London in the nineties, she consistently went out of her way to stop the gays. At the time she made it clear that “appearing to endorse homosexuality is turning my back on God and the day I turn my back on God I lose my authority as Mayor.” Give this woman a seat in the House of Commons!

  Did she get the credit she deserved way back when? No. Instead, the city she ran was fined $10,000 by the Ontario Human Rights Commission for violating the rights of gay taxpayers. In response, Dianne locked herself in her own house for three weeks in an act of self-imposed house arrest. Frankly, Dianne could give lessons on how to be a drama queen.

  History now shows us that it is Dianne who got the last laugh. Here it is, 2006, and Canada is on the brink of destruction because some car salesman named Larry intends to marry a pipefitter named Frank in Flin Flon.

  Of course that could change the minute the Tories get a majority, which is why so many senior ministers are thrilled that Dianne is on the ballot. The man with the purse, President of the Treasury Board John Baird, travelled to London to endorse Haskett and went as far as to call her the “accountability candidate.”

  This is a coup for the Haskett campaign. John Baird's credentials as a Conservative are unblemished except for his unfortunate mistake of saying that he would vote in favour of same-sex marriage if it ever came up. By going out of his way to get Haskett elected, Baird is effectively negating his own vote on the issue. I hope John Baird receives some sort of award from the Conservative party for this selfless act. Perhaps they could arrange a nice sit-down dinner where they give Baird a break from his usual duties and hire a dancing monkey instead.

  I don't mean to imply that Dianne is a single-issue candidate. She not only has great insight on what adults should be allowed to do in the privacy of their bedrooms, she also has views on who one should worship and who one should fear. In 1996 she took part in a public prayer breakfast where people were encouraged to bow their heads and pray that Canada be protected “from the darkness and deception of the spirit of Islam.”

  This is a very impressive record. Let's remember that encouraging Canadians to be afraid of other religions wasn't even on the radar in 1996. In fact, Canadians have never been big on the idea of domestic holy wars, and yet there was Dianne, back in the day, trying to stir it up old school.

  Some people are uniters and some people are dividers; Dianne is a uniter. In fact, “Uniting majorities against minorities since 1996” was under consideration as a potential campaign slogan.

  I can only pray that if Stephen Harper ever needs a parliamentary secretary in charge of breeding religious intolerance, Dianne will be there in the House ready to heed the call.

  And finally, above all else, I think Dianne should be commended for her commitment to silence. She has remained largely hidden during the campaign, refusing all national media requests and most local media requests. With her reluctance to speak about the issues, she has shown the people of London that they have in Dianne Haskett a candidate who is willing to sit down, shut up and do what she is told.

  If the residents of London feel that best describes them, electing her will certainly prove it.

  LIBERAL TERROR | FEB. 28, 2007

  Parliamentary Secretary to the President of the Treasury Board and Conservative MP Pierre Poilievre appeared on radio in Ottawa recently with explosive information. In a discussion about terrorism, he revealed that the Conservatives now know that the Liberal party is a haven for extremist groups and that Liberal leader Stéphane Dion has collapsed under their power, a puppet for said extremist elements, whom one assumes are pro-terror.

  When asked directly if Liberal MP Navdeep Bains was an extremist, Pierre took the high road and refused to answer; clearly he knows something we don't.

  “I don't comment on individuals,” he said. “But what I would say is we know there is an extremist element in the Liberal party, generally, that has been very vocal in opposing measures that are designed to combat terrorism. And it would seem that Mr. Dion has collapsed under the pressure from those groups.”

  I for one cannot believe that tanks are not rolling in the streets.

  I think based on Pierre's comments we should be afraid. We should be very afraid. If a major political party in Canada has been hijacked by terrorists, then we have to get to the bottom of it. And make no mistake, Pierre is not a loose cannon on HMCS Harper. He is a trusted and devoted crew member.

  There are no more Tory loose cannons. The days of the grassroots are long dead. Conservative cabinet
ministers are not allowed to do any media in this country without the express permission of Sandra Buckler, the prime minister's director of communications. Freedom of speech extends to Conservative MPs when Sandra says it does. If Sandra says, “Stand on your two hind legs and dance,” the finance minister barks, “Irish jig or the hully gully?”

  You can be sure that Pierre's confirmation of a terrorist insurrection within the Liberal party came directly from Madame Buckler.

  I suggest a full round of televised hearings chaired by none other than Monsieur Poilievre. Every card-carrying Liberal should be paraded in front of the cameras and made to answer his questions.

  Are they now or have they ever been a member of any group? Do they know Navdeep Bains? Have they ever socialized with him or someone who looks like him? These are questions that should be answered.

  Pierre is the right man for the job. If you go to his website and read his biography you will see he is an accomplished young man who worked as an office intern at Magna and also wrote an essay once.

  And as far as extremist groups go, Pierre is a member of only two organizations. He is a member of the Conservative Party of Canada and the Blue Label Club. As Pierre explained to the press after his re-election, the Blue Label Club is a members-only group of young male Conservative MPs who gather to drink Johnny Walker Blue Label scotch. The price may be extreme, but not the members.

  I hope all Canadians join me in wishing Pierre best of luck in eradicating extremism and exposing the Liberal party as a haven for terror.

  Go, Pierre, go!

  ANGRY JIM I | OCT. 30, 2007

  Minister of Finance Jim Flaherty is a man with his finger on the pulse.

  In politics, if you can figure out what's making Canadians angry you're halfway to the finish line. But that's where Jim pulls a face plant.