Rick Mercer Report

by Rick Mercer

  Take tax cuts, for example. Jim knows Canadians want a personal income tax cut. And my God, if it was up to Jim, he would give us one. He believes it so much he trembles when he says it, and shakes his little hands at the heavens. The only problem is, it is up to Jim, and he's been in charge for almost two years now, he's up to his neck in surpluses, and still we haven't seen a tax cut.

  Then there are bank fees. Jim knows the banks are screwing the little guy, so what's Jim do?

  He gets so angry his head almost comes off, and he's on the front page of every newspaper in the country telling us that the big bad bankers are on notice. Exactly what are these bankers on notice for, Jim? A golf game? Or a fundraiser? Because they certainly didn't lower their bank fees.

  So no surprise that Jim now wants us to know that yes, we are paying more for goods in Canada than in the United States. And what's he going to do about it? Surprise, surprise, it's the angry leprechaun act again.

  This is the Conservative party's approach to helping out the little guy. Hire a satellite truck to pull up to a Tim Horton's, get yourself on the news drinking a double-double and tell Canadians you feel their pain. And we are supposed to go, “Hey, honey, look—-Jim goes to Tim Horton's, we go to Tim Horton's. We're angry and he's angry. He must be standing up for Canada.”

  No, actually, he's treating us like we're idiots.

  They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and hoping for a different result. So either Jim's nuts for thinking we're going to keep buying this act, or we are for believing a word he says.

  SCIENCE FRICTION

  You don't need a Nobel Prize to work out that a nuclear power plant ought to have a safety backup system, that climate change is a problem worth discussing, and that—meteorologically speaking—it's likely to get cold in Canada in the winter.

  TORONTARDED | DEC. 4, 2007

  Canadians love to talk about the weather—always have, and always will. It's what we do. We have always been passionate about the weather, but we have never been hysterical about the weather, and certainly we have never been afraid of the weather. But suddenly, that seems to be changing.

  At first, I thought this was a Toronto thing. Because when you move to Toronto you realize pretty quick that when it comes to the weather there are two parallel universes. There's what you hear about in the media, and then there's what you see out your window. You can wake up and turn on the news and see a lead story about a snowstorm that slammed the city, how there were three hundred accidents between 5 and 9 in the morning, how no flights took off. And the reporter on the scene is so panicked he sounds like he's reporting live from the bottom of a collapsed mine shaft. And you think, “Oh my God, I had no idea, those poor people.”

  But then you realize: hang on, I'm in Toronto. And you look out the window and see there's three centimetres of snow on the ground and the kid on the street walking a dog is wearing a T-shirt.

  There was no snowstorm. There was no weather bomb. There were flurries. And then it got windy and the entire city ground to a halt.

  It's why I invented the word “Torontarded.” Comes in handy believe me. But before the rest of the country gets all cocky know this: weather hysteria is spreading across this nation like some sort of demented low-pressure system.

  We don't have forecasts anymore, we have weathertainment. It's designed to scare the hell out of you. Cold weather and snow are now reported as though it was raining frogs or there was a plague of locusts out there. Problem is, cold weather is not a sign of a coming apocalypse. It's just business as usual in Canada. But tell that to the crowd at the Weather Network. If you listened to them for five minutes, you wouldn't leave the house for five months.

  This is the true north strong and free, and cold, and wet, and icy, and dark—sometimes all at once. It's why God invented long johns. This is Canada. We have winter. Embrace it.

  COME ON IN, THE WATER'S FINE | JAN. 15, 2008

  Like most Canadians, I'm pretty ignorant when it comes to nuclear power plants. I mean, I know we have them. They seem to work. Other than that, it's all good. And for some reason I walk around having faith that the government, or someone, has a system in place to ensure that they're safe and they're up to date. After all, this is a country where you can't buy a hockey helmet unless it's got a CSA-approved sticker slapped on the sucker.

  So I didn't like waking up in the morning and reading that a nuclear power plant in Chalk River that was built in 1957, when Diefenbaker was prime minister, had been closed because the people in charge hadn't bothered to install their legally required safety backup system. That's not a good story. That's a bad story. That's a heads-should-roll kind of story.

  Now, normally in these situations the buck should stop with the minister in charge. That would be Gary Lunn, Minister of Natural Resources, who, as it turns out, knew four months ago that this plant didn't have a safety backup system and did absolutely nothing. That's not a problem according to Gary, because in his opinion the plant doesn't need one. And Gary should know. After all, this is a man who spent most of his professional life teaching public education courses on home renovation contracts. So, by all means, if you want to know if you should run your rain pipe down the left or right side of your house, call Gary. But other than that, everything this man knows about nuclear power he basically learned from reading a Spider-Man comic.

  And then we have our prime minister, Stephen Harper. He blames the whole thing on the Liberals. And not because a Liberal didn't install the backup system, but because the woman who blew the whistle on the power plant was appointed by the Liberals. She's also an expert on nuclear power and the head of the Canadian Nuclear Safety Commission. And Stephen Harper, an economist by trade, now wants her fired.

  Harper is like the mayor in Jaws saying, “We can't close the beach, it's the long weekend, the tourists are coming.” Except in this movie, the woman who stood up for Canada, the one who blew the whistle, is the one who might get eaten.

  SCARED STUPID BY SCIENCE | FEB. 19, 2008

  When twenty-year-old Ellen Page from Halifax got an Academy Award nomination for best actress, we all cheered. When our hockey team won gold at the World Juniors, we all cheered. You don't have to be a movie fan or a hockey fan to be moved by this stuff. You just have to be a Canadian.

  And likewise, you don't have to be a genius to be very proud of the fact that Canadian scientists won the Nobel Peace Prize. I mean, this is the mother of all prizes. In fact, they gave one to Mother Teresa.

  So what happened this past week when those winning Canadian scientists came to Parliament Hill for a reception in their honour with their Nobel Prize tucked beneath their arms? Prime Minister Harper, the guy whose job it is to represent us at these things, refused to attend. The Canadian cabinet refused to attend. And why? Because these scientists, who—I don't know if I've mentioned this or not—won the Nobel Peace Prize, had the gall to do it by formulating a plan to fight climate change. And my guess is it doesn't call for an increase in oil sands production. So as a result, not a single cabinet minister would cross the hall and shake the scientists' hands.

  Now remember, this is the same government that just recently fired the national science adviser—a guy whose job it was to advise the prime minister and cabinet on all issues pertaining to science. They just didn't see the need for that guy. With this crowd, being a science adviser is a bit like being the Maytag repairman. The phone just doesn't ring.

  What I want to know is: how did we get here? Canadian scientists gave humankind the polio vaccine. We discovered insulin. Heck—we even invented the Robertson screwdriver. And suddenly science is the new enemy.

  I understand that in politics people and parties have enemies, and destroying your enemy is the name of the game. That's the way you win. But we cannot allow the government to declare war on knowledge, otherwise we all lose.

  Unless of course they start passing out Nobel Prizes for idiocy.

  FREEZING WITH
<
br />   DAVID SUZUKI

  DS and RM prepare to jump

  into a very cold lake.

  Gravenhurst, Ontario.

  Broadcast Feb. 13, 2007

  SUZUKI: I'm too old for this. I'm not going to do it.

  MERCER: You're going to do it.

  SUZUKI: I'm not going to do it. You're not even paying me, for God's sake.

  MERCER: You're doing it for the planet.

  SUZUKI: I'm going to freeze my nuts off, you know.

  MERCER: For the planet—

  SUZUKI: The planet? Hell—what about my nuts?

  SPENDING LIKE

  CRAZY

  Ihave a friend who came out of the womb as a rabid fiscal conservative. It has been a wonder to watch him over the last decade work tirelessly against the odds to defeat the big-spending Liberals. It has been equally wonderful watching his reaction to a Conservative government that has yet to deliver a single personal income tax cut. It's like watching a man at forty come to the realization that there is no Easter Bunny. There is, however, a Santa, his name is Stephen Harper and he has gifts for everyone with the exception of the fiscal conservatives who got him elected in the first place.

  WHY CHINA? | JAN. 24, 2005

  There's no doubt about it, Canadians support the idea of foreign aid. It's part of our job as a first-world nation. But at the risk of sounding like a moron, what the hell are we sending money to China for? China has one of the largest economies on earth, and we're sending them $60 million a year in foreign aid. This is a country that might as well own the trademark on the phrase “emerging superpower.” A phrase, by the way, which will never, ever be used to describe Canada.

  Maybe I'm wrong, but I always thought the point of foreign aid was for us to give money to countries that didn't have any money. China? China spent $20 billion on their Olympic bid. Not that you can blame them. If you want to convince the world that Tiananmen Square is the best place on earth to hold beach volleyball, you're going to need to spend the big bucks. Never mind the fact they have a huge army with actual helicopters that can take off and land. Or that they have a space program with a planned mission to Mars.

  Wouldn't our $60 million in aid be better off going to Sudan—which, you know, doesn't have a space program? Because as it stands now, I don't know what the Chinese word for “sucker” is, but I bet when Canada comes up in conversation there, that word gets used a lot.

  BACK TO SCHOOL DAYS | JAN. 10, 2006

  Usually when there's an election, there's a script that both sides follow, and the rest of us read along. We all know our parts. In a federal election, the leaders fly around the country and make all sorts of promises that we take with a grain of salt. But based on those promises, we decide who we're going to vote for.

  But the promises, whether they're kept or not, are generally within the realm of sanity. This time is completely different. The leaders are acting like this isn't a real federal election, or a provincial election, or even a municipal election for that matter. And for the longest time, I couldn't figure out what it was that it reminded me of. And then it dawned on me: high school student council.

  In high school elections, 90 per cent of the candidates are very serious, but some guy always gets up there, high as a kite, and makes all sorts of insane announcements, and everyone loves him. When I was in grade ten, some dude with a mullet promised free beer in the fountains and a smoking room inside the school. My, how we cheered. And that's what Martin and Harper are like. Or they're like divorced parents trying to buy their children's love. We're the kids, they're our two dads. Except this time they're not trying to buy our love with just an Xbox or a few Easy-Bake Ovens.

  No, they've gone completely off their heads. Martin is spending like Belinda Stronach in a shoe store. We're talking billions of dollars every time he turns around. And Harper is outspending him. There's a rumour going around that Harper's about to promise everyone in Ontario a Ferris wheel and a pony.

  This is not good, Canada. I hate to be old-fashioned here, but Stephen, Paul—where in God's name is all the money coming from? It's a bad sign when the worst-case scenario is that whoever wins this election actually keeps his promises. Because at the end of the day, free beer in the fountain is a great idea—I just don't want to pay for it.

  GIVE THEM TIME | MAR. 27, 2007

  When the first Conservative budget came out over a year ago, Tories everywhere said the same thing: that it didn't really look like a Conservative budget, but give them time. Wait until next year, they said, then you'll see a Conservative government in action.

  And you can't blame the Tories for being a little antsy. They just came off twelve years of Liberal rule. They were down to their last nerve. It seems to me that for most of my natural life you could not have a conversation with a Tory that didn't end up with them this close to having a stroke because they were so angry at the Liberals for not giving them a personal tax cut and for spending too much money in Quebec.

  Well, thank God those days are over, eh? Now we have a Conservative government in Ottawa, they're in control of the agenda, they're ahead in the polls and they just released their second budget. And what happened? They're spending like drunken Liberals. Stephen Harper is like Paul Martin on three bottles of rye.

  Jim Flaherty is now officially the biggest-spending finance minister in Canadian history—and that's saying something. And the amazing thing is, he managed to spend all that money and not give a single Canadian a cut in personal income tax. Instead, he decided to send an extra three billion dollars—three thousand million dollars—to Quebec.

  And what's Quebec going to do with that money? They're going to give the people a personal income tax cut. That noise you can hear is the sound of blood vessels bursting in the heads of Tory voters across the country.

  The taps are back on in Ottawa. Tory times are good times. It's like the good old days of Brian Mulroney—minus the deficits. But let's face it, at this rate it's just a matter of time.

  THE UNDEKE-ABLE

  WOMAN

  Broadcast Jan. 31, 2005

  MARGARET ATWOOD: As the late Robertson Davies once told me, “Peggy, a good goalie anticipates play. A great goalie influences play.” That's why I like to come out aggressively to cut down the angle. If the shooter can't see net, he'll deke. And you don't deke Margaret.

  SCANDALOUS

  BEHAVIOUR

  Iremember when the scandal story broke. The auditor general's report showed hundreds of millions of dollars had been wasted and we had to recall our ambassador from Denmark. This is outrageous, I thought—we have an ambassador in Denmark? And what a huge sum of money was involved! Two hundred and fifty million dollars. Imagine what you could do with that. Give it to the National Film Board, and you could have yourself a seven-minute cartoon.

  MEMORY MAN | FEB. 16, 2004

  I've seen a few auditor general's reports in my time, but this one takes the cake. Not that the report itself was shocking—no, these things happen all the time. It's like Groundhog Day. Every year around this time, the auditor general sticks her head out of her hole and tells us that the Liberals are wasting all our money. What I found shocking was Prime Minister Martin's revelation that yet again he had no idea what was going on.

  I'm not a medical doctor, but I'm starting to get a “Pappy's getting older” vibe off Paul Martin. According to him, he has absolutely no knowledge of anything that this government's been doing for the past ten years. Plus he has no knowledge of anything his own company's been doing for the last ten years. It's like he woke up in a bed with a doctor standing over him saying, “Mr. Martin, Mr. Martin, it's 2004. For the past ten years you've owned an international shipping empire and you've been Canada's minister of finance.” And Martin's like, “No, no. That's impossible. The last thing I remember is Rita MacNeil finally got her own variety show.”

  It's like he's got acute memory loss or early dementia. How else can you explain the fact that for the few months he's been on the job, so far all
he's done is look into a camera and say, “I don't know, I had no idea, it wasn't me, I wasn't there.” Throw in an evil twin and we've got the makings of one hell of a movie of the week—complete with bad acting.

  FROM THE DESK OF PRIME MINISTER MARTIN | JULY 5, 2005

  Dear former friend and Liberal campaign donor,

  As you might have read in recent media reports, donations for the Liberal Party of Canada are at an all-time low. The numbers below tell the tale.

  Total personal donations for 2004:

  Conservatives: $10.9 million

  Liberals: $5.2 million

  New Democrats: $5.19 million

  Bloc Québécois: $897, 000

  Our records indicate that you were once an active supporter of the Liberal party but no longer send cheques or answer the phone when we call. Your request for a lawn sign in the event of the coming election seems to have been lost in the mail.

  As you are no doubt aware, a cabinet minister was in your area recently and dropped by your residence to speak with you directly about this situation. Unfortunately you were otherwise engaged at the time, choosing instead to lie on the floor with your family with the lights off. I understand the importance of family time and suggest you call us and tell us when an appropriate time for such a visit would be.

  Many of you have voiced concern about corruption inside the Liberal party, and have specifically mentioned being turned off by the notion of so-called envelopes of cash being passed around sleazy Montreal diners.

  As your leader, I understand that if mysterious envelopes of cash are being passed around, you—the rank and file, the former supporters, the backbone of the party—would feel angry and left out at not receiving one.