Rick Mercer Report

by Rick Mercer

  That said, let me tell you about our new donor program: the Laurier Club Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!

  From now on, when you donate $1,000 to the Liberal party, you too will receive a fat envelope that may or may not contain one or more of the following.

  Membership of the Laurier Club

  Valuable Mark's Work Warehouse coupons

  Ten thousand dollars in unmarked twenties and fifties

  This time everyone gets an envelope!

  I hope that you will consider this carefully.

  Thank you for your consideration.

  Sincerely,

  Paul Martin, Leader

  Liberal Party of Canada

  PS. Please pick up your phone.

  WITH EXTRA CHEESE | FEB. 7, 2005

  Any time a cabinet minister resigns because of a scandal, that's a huge body blow for any government. For a minority government, it could be devastating. That's why the rule is, if you're the prime minister, you will do everything in your power short of murder to stop any resignations.

  Look at Brian Mulroney He had a whack of resignations, and it stuck with him forever. Rightly or wrongly, when you think about Mulroney, you think scandal. So then along came CHRÉTIEN, and CHRÉTIEN said okay, well, there will be no more of that. As the saying goes, the only thing that could force a CHRÉTIEN cabinet minister to resign was being caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.

  Paul Martin clearly has different views on this, because he's the one who accepted Judy Sgro's resignation in the first place. And why did she resign? What massive scandal forced Canada's immigration minister from office? Some guy said that he gave her free pizza in exchange for political favours. It can be truly embarrassing what can pass for a scandal in this country. And the capper is, the guy making the allegations is a convicted child smuggler who's been ordered deported from Canada half a dozen times.

  We've become so cynical about politics that we're eager to believe the word of a career criminal over a cabinet minister. That says a lot about the state of politics in Canada. None of it very good. But at the same time, looking back over the last decade, I can't help but think, I wish I knew back then what I've learned now. Because if I'd known a few pizzas could take down a cabinet minister, I would've had Pizza Pizza on speed-dial long ago.

  JUST LIKE OLD TIMES | FEB. 28, 2006

  There's been a lot said about the office of the prime minister over the years, but I've never heard it said that the actual office may, in fact, cause lunacy.

  But just look, for a second, at Prime Minister Martin. It's as if the day that he took office, he completely lost his compass.

  I'm not saying he didn't know the difference between right and wrong. I'm suggesting he lost it. I don't know if the poor man knows the difference between up and down. And then to make matters worse, it's like someone gave him a pair of scissors and told him to spend eighteen months running up and down the stairs of the Parliament buildings. He just knew this was going to end badly.

  Now to be fair, I thought this was a Paul Martin phenomenon. I thought that he wanted that job so badly that when he finally got it, something melted in his frontal lobe. But along comes Stephen Harper, and I'm starting to see similarities.

  I have a confession to make. During the election campaign, I got a little caught up in this whole “Stand up for Canada” thing Harper was preaching. I'd watch him give one of his stump speeches on accountability, ethics and Senate reform, and I'd think, “You know, I don't have to agree with everything this man stands for, but wouldn't it be nice if, for once, we had a prime minister who did everything on the up and up?” I was starting to have, for lack of a better word, faith.

  So in many ways, it's a stinking relief to see that a Harper government can be every bit as sleazy as any that came before him. Who could have imagined after all that blather about Senate reform that on the day Stephen Harper became prime minister he would appoint a buddy of his from Quebec to the Senate and then put him right into the cabinet?

  This man has never been elected to anything, and now he's a cabinet minister. Talk about being entitled to your entitlements. I never noticed that in the Tory Blue Book. And I must have skipped the part altogether where they were going to use cabinet seats to bribe people to cross the floor.

  The Liberals have done all this before, and now the Tories are doing it too. And so, in record time, Stephen Harper has gone from being a man promising to stand up for Canada to being a politician who says the end justifies the means. Which may prove to be confusing, because until recently, the Liberals owned that slogan.

  FROM THE DESK OF MACKENZIE KING | SEPT. 25, 2006

  Dear friend and supporter,

  Did you know that in the event of your tragic death you can remain an active member of the Liberal Party of Canada? The party's Membership Renewal Commission has reinterpreted our constitution and has determined that dead people can now hold executive positions within the Liberal party and even attend future conventions as voting members. This is why I am writing to you today.

  Please consider a one-time gift of your human remains to the party—at no cost to you.

  Imagine the peace of mind you will have on your deathbed knowing that while death may bring an end to many of life's pleasures, you will still be involved in the advancement of democracy and Liberal ideals in Canada. Many Canadians are doing just that right now. Michael Ignatieff has a number of deceased Canadians working for him on his campaign. They may be dead, but they can still get Iggy with it! In fact World War I flying ace Billy Bishop has recently taken out a party membership and has officially endorsed Ignatieff and the courageous positions he has taken on the use of force during the interrogation of prisoners.

  But while Billy Bishop's arrival back on the scene is certain to bring some excitement to this campaign, it is Joe Volpe who should be commended for pioneering this exciting new way to support the Liberal party. As Joe has said so eloquently in the past, for the Liberal party to succeed in the twenty-first century, we must embrace not only hard-working new Canadians, but non-working dead Canadians as well.

  It was Joe who realized early on that the dead were a huge untapped resource, signing up as many of these dedicated dead Liberals as he could. In fact, after a hard day of campaigning in the many small towns across Canada, Joe would often, under cover of darkness, visit local graveyards. Once there, Joe, armed with artist parchment and a number four charcoal pencil, would make tombstone rubbings until dawn—every rubbing a testament to a life lived, and the basis for a party membership.

  So if you are dead or near dead, hurry now and give your body to the party—all the leadership candidates are looking for support from dead people.

  Bob Rae, for example, has recently accepted the public endorsement of Hedy Fry.

  So we ask you now in the event of your death—remember the Liberal Party of Canada. Also, in the event of your near death, say, a car accident or heart attack, take the opportunity to ask your deceased relatives if they would like to support the party.

  Donate your body today by downloading a donor declaration of intent from the Liberal party website.

  Do it for Canada.

  Yours truly,

  Mackenzie King, Chair Membership Renewal Commission Liberal Party of Canada

  FREDO MULRONEY | NOV. 20, 2007

  Brian Mulroney has always been one of the most polarizing characters in Canadian history. That's his shtick. You mention his name anywhere in Canada, half the room wants to snap. And now, like some sort of dormant gastro intestinal virus, he's back demanding and getting a full judicial inquiry into his dealings with Karlheinz Schreiber. And you can't blame the man, really—last time they looked into this he walked away with over two million dollars.

  What I find amazing about this whole affair is the government's reaction. Because, let's face it, everyone on earth knows that Brian Mulroney took $300,000 in cash from Karlheinz Schreiber. If Stephen Harper didn't know that,the man needs a CATscan. He knew, he just didn't
care. Until last week, he called Mulroney a valuable adviser, a confidant, a friend. He had him over to the house for dinner, they went up to the cottage together, they spoke on the phone. So what does Prime Minister Harper do when a friend gets in trouble? He calls a press conference and announces to the world that Brian Mulroney is now dead to him. And then he orders everyone in the party who is a friend of Mulroney's to treat him like Fredo in The Godfather.

  And they did.

  Look at Marjory LeBreton. Sure, she's a cabinet minister, but she's one of Mulroney's oldest friends. She goes to his children's weddings. They talk on the phone every day. If Marjory croaked tomorrow, he'd be one of her pallbearers. But nope, there's Marjory, proud as punch in the Montreal Gazette saying she's going to follow orders. She's not going to speak to Mulroney again until this thing is settled.

  If I had friends like that, I'd want to shoot myself. Because we've all been there when someone close to us does something wrong or is accused of doing something wrong. It happens. And you have to decide: are you going to head for the hills, or are you going do the honourable thing and call the poor shagger up and take him to lunch?

  Well, there's been very little honourable behaviour displayed in Ottawa this week. But as they say, there's no honour among thieves. And no honour among Tories either.

  HARPER'S CRAZY WEEK | MAR. 11, 2008

  What a great week in Ottawa. And by “great” I mean filled with scandals, most of them involving Prime Minister Harper. Jack Layton was on CNN talking to Lou Dobbs for God's sakes, which does not happen every day.

  But if I had to pick my favourite scandal of recent days it would have to be the Cadman affair. Did the Conservative party offer Chuck Cadman, a member of Parliament who was dying, a million-dollar life insurance policy in exchange for his vote? Because that's what his widow says. But you don't have to take her word for it—Stephen Harper is on a tape saying yes, financial considerations were offered to a dying man. Well, if you buy the adage that where there's smoke there's fire, there's so much smoke coming out of this sucker, you can see it on Google Maps.

  And so what does Stephen Harper say now? Forget my voice on the tape, the only thing we offered Chuck Cadman was a chance to join the Conservative party. Stephen, no offence, but that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. Could you imagine if you were on your deathbed and a couple of Tories came over to your house to try to buy you off, and they offered you membership of the Conservative party? Because, apparently, a lot of people on their deathbed think, “I wish I spent more time with the Tories.

  And so what's Harper's reaction once the opposition started asking questions? He's suing. He's suing the leader of the opposition. Never before in the history of Canadian democracy has a prime minister sued the leader of the opposition. But that's what Harper's doing. Suddenly he's like that guy on TV from upstate New York who will sue anyone anytime for anything. His coffee's too hot—he will sue. Ask him a question outside of Question Period—he will sue. With a lawsuit, by the way, that is going to cost taxpayers millions and millions of dollars. Our money—being spent to ensure the prime minister won't answer any questions that should be answered.

  Yes, it's been a crazy week, and it could also be a tipping point. Because Stephen Harper has always had one ace in the hole: his reputation as a straight shooter. Well, you can wave that goodbye; because when it comes to preserving reputations, Conrad Black had a better week.

  VISITING PAUL MARTIN

  24 Sussex Drive.

  Broadcast Oct. 25, 2004

  MERCER: Have you ever had to get a world leader on the phone like that [Snaps fingers]?

  MARTIN: Yeah.

  MERCER: You can get Tony Blair on the phone?

  MARTIN: Yeah. Probably. Yeah.

  MERCER: That's pretty cool.

  MARTIN: You want to talk to him?

  MERCER: Yes.

  MARTIN: I could call him and say “Listen, Tony there's this guy who won't leave until he talks to you …”

  LEST

  WE

  FORGET

  BANNING PRIVATE RYAN | NOV. 22, 2004

  I've always believed that in the United States there's a big difference between conservative and stupid. But boy, it's getting harder by the minute to prove that one.

  On Veteran's Day in America, the movie Saving Private Ryan was dumped by over sixty ABC affiliates. And why? Well apparently, it's against family values. And so a whole bunch of family values groups, they got together. And they decided that because they didn't want to watch this movie, nobody should be allowed to watch this movie.

  So they lobbied the FCC and they threatened to boycott any channel that would dare air this film. And it worked. The movie was removed from schedules in one-third of the country. Why? Because these people believe it is immoral to celebrate Veterans Day by watching a war movie if, get this, it contains violence, swearing or taking the Lord's name in vain. None of which of course happened in World War II. No. Because in World War II, people were too busy getting killed trying to protect America from the type of person who would definitely tell you what you can and cannot watch.

  According to these people, everyone would be much better off celebrating Veterans Day by just staying at home and watching another episode of Touched by an Angel. Thanks to family values, when it comes to freedom and personal choice, the wheels are off the bus in America. And let's face it, it was a pretty short bus to begin within.

  MEMORIAL DAY IN NEWFOUNDLAND | JULY 1, 2005

  Thanks to one of those great Newfoundland-in-Confederation ironies, Canada Day is an official day of mourning in Newfoundland. You see, Canada just happens to celebrate its birthday on the anniversary of the bloodiest day in Newfoundland history.

  On July 1, 1916, the Newfoundland Regiment was wiped out on the battlefield of Beaumont-Hamel, France, during the Battle of the Somme. The story of the Newfoundland Regiment in World War I is a dramatic one, long and filled with heroic victories. It came to an end on this day in 1916.

  It was on this day that 801 fighting Newfoundlanders left the trenches and tried to smash through the German lines. Only 69 returned to answer the roll call. An entire generation was wiped out in minutes. Today is the day we remember them.

  I was at the War Memorial in St. John's this morning at 11:00 a.m. and watched the wreath-laying ceremony. It was a beautiful day; there was a big crowd, including lots of young people, in attendance.

  It makes for a bit of a muddled holiday. On the day we are supposed to be celebrating the flag, the flags are flying at half mast.

  Everything is different in Newfoundland.

  PRIORITY SIX | APR. 25, 2006

  The Conservative government has said that it will not lower the flag on the Peace Tower as a sign of respect for the soldiers who were recently killed in Afghanistan. The government wishes to make it clear that this is not meant to disrespect soldiers who pay the ultimate price, but quite the opposite. According to the Conservative government, it's actually more respectful this way.

  In defending this position, Minister of Defence Gordon O'Connor somehow blamed Jean CHRÉTIEN. From what I can gather, the Conservative position is that CHRÉTIEN was wrong to start lowering the flag in the first place, and he was often inconsistent. This is what the Conservatives do when they get their backs up. By this time tomorrow, they will be saying they want to lower the flag but can't because they are simply too outraged over the sponsorship scandal to lift their arms and pull on the ropes at the base of the pole.

  It should be pointed out that when the Conservatives were in opposition, they demanded that the flag fly at half mast in similar circumstances as a sign of respect for the deceased. Now that they are in power, they have changed their minds.

  In case you are wondering what the official protocol is for this type of thing, here's the relevant section from the Department of Heritage website:

  The flag on the Peace Tower of the Parliament Building at Ottawa is flown at half-mast:

  on the
death of a Lieutenant Governor;

  on the death of a Canadian Privy Councillor, a Senator, or a Member of the House of Commons;

  on the death of a person whom it is desired to honour.

  This is a pretty straightforward list.

  Everyone knows what lieutenant governors are: they are an elite group of politically connected senior citizens who represent the Queen in each of the provinces. These brave men and women are required to attend cocktail receptions on a daily basis for their country. When their livers explode, the flag is lowered as a sign of respect.

  The fact that the flag is lowered “on the death of a Canadian Privy Councillor” will come as a surprise to the many Canadians who aren't sure what a Canadian privy councillor is. The Canadian Privy Council is a ceremonial “council of advisors” to the Queen. I know it sounds exhausting, but rest assured that no official duties go along with the distinction. In fact, Canadian privy councillors are required to do nothing.

  Every former Canadian premier is a member, and the bottom line is that the Queen doesn't have Bob Rae on speed-dial. Membership is also open to anyone who is a good friend of the prime minister. For example, a previous Conservative government made Conrad Black a member of the Privy Council. It is somehow fitting that if Conrad goes down in a nasty prison brawl over a carton of cigarettes, the flag over the Peace Tower will fly at half mast.

  Further down the list we come to “Senator.” When a member of the Senate finally drops, the flag is not far behind. This has led to some confusion in the past when the flag has been lowered to half mast and it has turned out the senator in question was simply resting his eyes. As a result there is now a rigorous process to ensure the senator is actually deceased. Once death is established, the flag is immediately lowered.