Rick Mercer Report

by Rick Mercer

  Which brings us to the third category, a very interesting one indeed.

  on the death of a person whom it is desired to honour.

  And rest assured the prime minister makes this call. The prime minister of Canada can order that flag lowered as a sign of respect to anyone we desire to honour. It is my suggestion that along with members of Parliament, senators and members of the Privy Council, we as a nation desire to honour men and women in uniform who pay the ultimate price while serving their country.

  Prime Minister Harper, lower the flag.

  IN BED WITH

  STEPHEN HARPER

  It amazes me when I look back at the number of politicians who have been on the show and what some have them have agreed to do with the cameras rolling. It's easy to say that it's all about votes. There's no doubt that the prospect of few million eyeballs can go a long way when convincing a politician to appear on RMR. I've always described this phenomenon as a “mutually parasitic relationship”: they need me, I need them, and more often than not when the cameras roll one of us has to close our eyes and think of the Queen. It's a tad more complicated than that, though. For a politician, being seen on TV doing something outside his or her comfort zone is never an easy call. It does take a certain amount of guts and risk.

  To be honest, I never expected Stephen Harper, once he'd been elected prime minister, to heed any call, let alone the one that involved me sleeping over at 24 Sussex Drive. This is, after all, a man who can appear out of his comfort zone walking down a flight of steps or opening a door. And look—on the next couple of pages, for example—at some of the things I've said about him.

  He did agree to appear, though. And once the cameras rolled he appeared pretty darn good. If there is a special place in hell for me as a result, I gladly accept my fate. There is no price too high to pay for a few good minutes of TV.

  LYING DOWN WITH DOGS | OCT. 18, 2004

  You've got to love a Liberal minority government. All the kids are back in school, but none of them can be sure who's going to be running the place from one minute to the next.

  It's already pretty exciting. Parliament was back in session for five minutes before Stephen Harper jumped in bed with the Bloc Québécois and tried to defeat the government. I didn't see that coming. Sure, I thought they'd flirt with one another—chat each other up in the hallways. But they went straight past flirting and consummated that relationship right then and there in the leader of the opposition's office. I'm sure the desk was involved.

  This was no quickie either. They were spoonin'. Harper was in there all cuddled up with Duceppe dreaming of throwing a Stampede breakfast at 24 Sussex Drive.

  Call me old-fashioned, but when it comes to getting in bed with separatists for the sole purpose of defeating the government, I believe in abstinence.

  Clearly Harper is more modern than I am when it comes to these things. Turns out that Harper will get in bed with anyone. I'm not saying anything, but the word is that Stephen Harper carried Jack Layton's books to school three times this week. Harper's not a Conservative, he's a tramp! You better be careful, Stephen—you can get a reputation for that kind of behaviour. One that can follow you through your entire four years of high school.

  You know the expression: you lie down with dogs, you end up with fleas. You lie down with the Bloc and the NDP, God knows what you're going to get, but it's not going to help you in Alberta.

  HARPER'S GAY PREOCCUPATION | JAN. 31, 2005

  Conservative leader Stephen Harper is angry with the mainstream media and has every right to be, because it is the media that is trying to paint him as a man who cares more about same-sex marriage than any other issue. Which is just not fair.

  Harper cares about other issues. He just doesn't know what they are yet. And just because he took out half-page ads about same-sex marriage and put them in papers all across the country does not mean that he's obsessed. Let's just says he's preoccupied. And sure, he could have taken out half-page ads and outlined his position on taxes or health care or education, but who can concentrate on issues like that when there's a couple of old lesbians in Lethbridge who want to get hitched?

  And Harper has every right in the world to be angry at the media for implying that he's a leader who cares only about Alberta. Harper's own deputy leader, his right-hand man, is Peter MacKay from Nova Scotia. And sure, Harper never bothered to tell his deputy leader about the same-sex marriage ads, but that's because he's from Nova Scotia—he's different. It's like the Rat Pack: Sammy was allowed to sing with the group, but he wasn't allowed to help pick out the songs.

  And finally, Harper must be pretty sick and tired of people saying that he's going tear up the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. That's just not true. He's just going to ignore the part about minorities.

  And anyone who thinks otherwise … is gay.

  SLEEPING OVER

  24 Sussex Drive.

  Broadcast Oct. 31, 2006

  HARPER: Do the pyjamas fit?

  MERCER: Yes, although I'm starting to feel a little compromised.

  HARPER: Well, you look comfortable, and that's what we want.

  SO YOU WANT TO BE A SPEECHWRITER?

  JULY 17, 2005

  Scott Feschuck is leaving his job as speechwriter in Prime Minister Paul Martin's office. This means that come the fall, we can look forward to a Martin who is even less amusing and less well spoken than usual. Hard to imagine, really. It also means that for the first time in decades, there is an actual job opening for a writer in Canada. Wherever writers gather, be it at book clubs, poetry circles, Narcotics Anonymous meetings or Margaret Atwood's house, this subject has dominated all others.

  Personally, I think this represents a wonderful opportunity not only for professional writers, but for all unemployed Canadians.

  Unlike most jobs, this one is a cinch to apply for: all letters to the prime minister of Canada are postage free.

  If you are applying for the gig, you will have to provide a sample speech. Don't get carried away and attempt to write a Speech from the Throne. A Throne Speech outlines the government's priorities and its agenda. It's not the writer's job to decide the direction that the country is headed. That is sole responsibility of the director of communications.

  So, what kind of speech? My advice is to put yourself in the shoes of the people around Paul Martin. Consider this: a newly released Strategic Counsel survey suggests 52 per cent of respondents believe the prime minister should be immediately replaced as leader of the Liberal party. Based on those numbers, it is safe to assume that those closest to him are looking for work elsewhere.

  In light of the poll results, I'd say the smartest approach for any speechwriter candidate would be to craft a short but eloquent concession speech for the prime minister. Actually, I would write a speech for each of the two obvious scenarios: one to be used in the event of an election in which the Liberals get their asses kicked from sea to sea to sea, and another to be used in the event of a devastating result at a leadership review.

  My professional advice—avoid clichés at all cost. For speech number one, the election night speech, I would start with something pithy and original, like:

  My fellow Liberals—we are bloodied but we are unbowed! We may have lost official party status tonight, but we are still a force to be reckoned with! To Stephen Harper I say congratulations, I'll be out of the house by Monday.

  After that you would want to wrap it up pretty fast—the networks will have cut to Calgary by then anyway.

  For the leadership review speech, I would start with a joke:

  My fellow Liberals—I wish politics was like booze. Hey—27 per cent is a big number if you're talking alcohol content! [Pause for laughter] Speaking of alcohol, I need a drink. Thank you and goodnight. Screw you, Ignatieff!

  My only other advice is to keep it short. Nobody likes a long-winded prime minister. (If you get the job, good luck getting that message through his head.)

  Send all applications to:
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  I Want to Be a Speechwriter

  c/o Office of the Prime Minister

  80 Wellington Street

  Ottawa K1A 0A2

  P.S. Remember when corresponding with any member of Parliament to sign off by asking to be added to his or her Christmas-card list. This way, when December rolls around, you will know if anyone bothered to read your letter.

  ELECTION FEVER

  Very early in the great campaign of 2005 the two big parties made their election strategies pretty clear. The Tories were going to hammer away at the Liberals as corrupt, venal, and unworthy of governing—which, you have to admit, was a pretty good plan. The Liberals, however, decided to take the high road. They decided that their best chance of winning was to convince Canadians that Liberal values were Canadian values. And how were they going to do that? By bribing us.

  FROM THE DESK OF PRIME MINISTER MARTIN | NOV. 29, 2005

  Hello, fellow Liberals, and Merry Elexmas one and all.

  Wow! Can you believe it's Holiday Newsletter time again?

  As you know, today the governor general dissolved the 38th Parliament of Canada. It seems like barely eighteen months ago we were celebrating the birth of our recently deceased minority government. Well, I guess we weren't so much “celebrating” as putting a brave face on. Whatever you call it, there was drinking involved.

  I find it hard to discuss the 38th Parliament. All I can say is that, like you, I once had high hopes for its future. Needless to say, it was devastating to me personally when I finally realized that the 38th Parliament of Canada—the fruit of my loins, as it were—was hopelessly retarded. Sorry, developmentally delayed.

  Once the initial shock wore off, I decided that the only decent thing to do was to play the hand I was dealt. Turned out in the end that no amount of money could save the bloody thing, and twenty billion dollars later Stephen Harper took it on himself to put the poor simp out of its misery.

  So here we are.

  So much has happened since that last election, so I'll try to be brief. Phase one of the Gomery Report came out, and I have been completely vindicated. Turns out I had no idea what was going on. Some people find this hard to believe, but to those naysayers I say, think back to high school. Remember that dim kid you hung out with in grade ten who never had a frigging clue what was happening? Remember him? That's basically me, except I'm far more powerful. This is the case I will bring forward to Canada.

  I'm pleased to report that the democratic deficit has been all but eliminated. Kidding! It's screwed, but what's a guy to do? I have Belinda on the file and she says it's under control, and that's good enough for me.

  Of course I have to mention Belinda. If it wasn't for her, this government would have died months ago, and me along with it. Some people in the press have referred to her as my guardian angel. I prefer to think of her as my political defibrillator. Even to this day, when I see her coming I want to tear open my shirt, put Vaseline on my nipples and yell, Clear!

  The rest of the front bench is doing well and looking forward to the coming Elexmas season.

  I am proud to report that Deputy Prime Minister Anne McLellan is raring to go. People don't know how hard she works. I bumped into her just minutes after the non-confidence vote and instead of feeling sorry for us, she was busy putting up posters for a yard sale at her house. Everything must go, apparently. She is a multitasker, that Anne!

  Scott Brison has turned out to be the star of the front bench. I am sick and tired of people saying that the behaviour in Question Period is like a bunch of kids on the playground. If it was like a playground, would I hide behind the gay kid when I got picked on? Hardly.

  Anyway, I have to go now. Scott Reid is barking at me to get my ass in his office pronto! May I take this time as your prime minister to wish you well, and may I be the first to say to you: Merry Elexmas, and let's hope we live to see another year.

  Sincerely, Paul Martin

  FROM THE DESK OF STEPHEN HARPER | NOV. 30, 2005

  My fellow Conservatives,

  It has come to my attention that the lying Liberals have recently released an “Elexmas newsletter” that is nothing but a further example of the culture of entitlement. I would like to take this opportunity to emulate them. Let us never forget, as Conservatives, that we despise the Liberals and all they stand for and that there must be no discernable difference between us and them.

  So, Merry Elexmas!

  By now you know that we have defeated the government. It has been suggested that the people of Canada do not want an election at this juncture. Those of you who know me know this: I don't care what the people think. I am not a people person. I don't like people, and the feeling is mutual.

  I am sick of this discussion. I ask you, why in heaven's name would I like people? The so-called people had their chance eighteen months ago, and they chose not to give me a majority. This morning I suggested to Tom Flanagan that we change our campaign slogan from “Standing up for Canada” to “Screw the People.” He said no, pointing out that in politics honesty is not the best policy. “Besides,” he added, “300 million bucks on an election nobody wants is about as big a ‘screw you’ to the people as the Tories can muster.” How we laughed!

  So far I feel the campaign is going really well. In an effort to appease Ontario voters, it is imperative that we bring forward an image of moderation. To this end, I would like to point out that I waited a full five hours after Parliament was dissolved before I started in on the queers.

  Some leftists have suggested that I chose the first day of the campaign to discuss gay marriage so as to get the issue out of the way. This is not true. I chose to discuss gay marriage on day one because it is a number-one issue. In fact I would like nothing better than to spend every day of this campaign discussing gay sex. Unfortunately I cannot do that, but I am announcing today the formation of a Conservative gay sex caucus. The caucus will meet with me throughout the campaign and will monitor any new gay sex practices that may develop over the holiday season.

  As you know, I have stated that when I am prime minister I will hold a free vote in Parliament on the issue of gay marriage. And let me reiterate: “I will not whip my cabinet on the issue of same-sex marriage.” When I made that commitment to caucus Jason Kenney broke the ice by raising his hand and saying, “Whip me! Whip me!” What a soldier! Later he pulled me aside at John Baird's headquarters and told me sincerely that if asked to sit in cabinet, he will serve, and that he for one will gladly be whipped on the issue of gay marriage. He is a stand-up guy, Jason, always willing to subjugate himself for the cause of Conservatism.

  Anyway, it's day two and I have to run. Somebody at Tory headquarters gave my phone number to Peter MacKay and now I have to get a new number and initiate another purge.

  Good luck and God bless,

  Stephen Harper

  IT WON'T WORK THIS TIME I | NOV. 29, 2005

  Bribery—that's what we value, apparently. We value being bought off with our own money. And we're not talking chump change here, either. The Liberals dropped between twenty and thirty billion dollars of our own money on the way out the door. But, you know, I don't think it's going to work this time. Canadians know how this game is played. If the Liberals were serious about bribing us, they would have sent us all one of those big Liberal envelopes stuffed full of cash we've heard so much about. And if they were really serious about making an impression, they would have had the envelopes delivered in style—by, say, Belinda Stronach on horseback in the rain without a saddle. That's how you win a majority.

  But barring that, wouldn't it be nice if this was a campaign of ideas? Because so far, we've heard none. In fact, this is not a campaign, this is a case of déjà vu. The Liberals are going to accuse the Tories of having a hidden agenda. To which the Tories will say, “No, no, no, we don't have a hidden agenda. We've just kept our election campaign platform a secret for six months because we're afraid someone will steal it.”

  They say the definition of insanity is
doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Tragically, that's also the definition of politics in Canada.

  MOST EXCITING NIGHT | JAN. 23, 2006

  I can't help myself—every election night I'm like a kid at Christmas. Except this time it's way worse. I'm like a kid with ADHD at Christmas who just ate a great big bag of white sugar. And can you blame me? This election night is shaping up to be one of the most exciting nights in Canadian history.

  Nobody knows what's going to happen. It could be a minority a majority, a coalition government, a separatist opposition—nobody knows. All we know is that whatever we end up with, it's going to be really strange and there's no guarantee it will survive.

  It's a bit like that time of year when the American networks roll out their big new comedy pilots. If the NDP does well tonight, this time tomorrow the most powerful man in Canada could be a tiny socialist with a gay moustache. Likewise, if the Tories take it, in a week to ten days Stockwell Day could be getting sworn in as Canada's minister of foreign affairs. Now personally, I don't think that's going to happen. Mainly because I'm not that lucky.

  And of course there's always the chance that the Liberals can hang on and form another Liberal minority government. In which case all of Canada will wake up tomorrow—or at least its 24 million voters will—and say, “Wow, next time why don't we save ourselves 250 million bucks? We'll pick a date, we'll get together and smack ourselves in the head with a hammer and we'll get the same results.”

  Yes, it's quite a country. But you know, no matter what kind of weird, wonderful or only-in-Canada kind of government we end up with, we all had the opportunity to vote, we all got to have our say, and not a single shot was fired. That, my friends, is a country worth voting for.