Sleepless Nights

by Amanda Heath

  I don’t want to be that girl but I have to be. I have to pick myself over you because you refused to pick me over everything. I shouldn’t afford you the same thing you can’t seem to afford to me.

  You broke my heart when you left. You left me in pieces because I didn’t know what I was going to do without you. I didn’t know how to handle not having you around and you never once thought about that. You only thought about you. You didn’t want to be without Talon, not me. How could I be so easily left behind? Do I not mean anything to you?

  I guess you can get the gist of this letter. It’s over between us. I kind of hate you and love you at the same time, but I’m tired of being alone. So I will take your advice and go out and get a life. When you get back from your tour, all of my stuff will be out of your house. I might even get a dog, since you’re allergic. I know I shouldn’t resent you for that fact, but I kind of do. You know how much I love animals and I couldn’t even have a pet growing up because you’re allergic.

  Something that comes to my attention as I’m writing this is, I wrote more than you did. I should have just put, “It’s fucking over” but that seemed dramatic. You couldn’t even bother to write me something worth reading. Just meaningless words I shouldn’t have listened to.

  There will always be a place inside of me that loves you. It will always hold you close, but I can’t let you hold me back anymore. I can’t stand to live in the dark when I’ve seen the light.

  Ashley.

  PS I think I should mention this just in case you’re wondering. I met someone else.

  I printed it out and mailed it off this morning on my way to school. Now I’m sitting backwards in my car watching the back of the school parking lot. I never get here this early. I usually wait till the last minute so I don’t have to wait around, but today I want to see Damien.

  And then he’s pulling his beast into a parking spot close to my car, way closer than I thought to watch him for. He jumps off the bike gracefully and smiles big at me. I start chewing on my lip because I don’t know if I can handle this. Victor is the only relationship I have ever been in. Starting anything with Damien would be crazy and completely different from what I had with Victor.

  Not to mention does he even want a relationship? I mean the guy told me he wanted to fuck me, not date me. But then yesterday he acted like he wanted to at least be friends.

  Gah! I’m so damn confused!

  “Are you waitin’ for me Glossy?” Ugh, I hated when he used that nickname. I don’t even wear lip gloss all that often.

  “You’re like the only friend I have. Other than that Lola girl but she doesn’t really count, considering I think she’s using me to get at your brother.” I ramble because I’m nervous. Now I’m scared to think about what’s going to come out of my mouth.

  Damien chuckles and leans down until his head is peeking in through my open window. “I wouldn’t really call us friends. Friends don’t want to fuck each other. That’s generally reserved for a couple.”

  “I never said I wanted to fuck you. That’s stretching the truth a bit there buddy.” Okay I’m a horrible person. I shouldn’t lie to him because that won’t get me anywhere. I just don’t even know how to start this rebound or whatever. It’s not in my DNA to be the aggressor.

  But boy do I want to screw him. I’m talking, letting him rip off all my clothes, bend me over my car and letting him screw me in front of everyone. Not that I would actually do that, but you get the point.

  “Ashley we both know what you want. We both know what I want. You’re in a committed relationship, so nothin’ is goin’ to happen. I wouldn’t want to be cheated on, so I’m certainly not goin’ to help you do it.” I don’t want to be a cheater either. That’s why I’m not saying anything to Damien until my letter gets to Victor.

  Even if I said the words, he hasn’t heard them. It’s still cheating because he thinks we are together. Sometimes being a good person sucks.

  “What…what would happen if I broke up with him?” I ask quietly, not looking him in the eyes.

  He gives me a half smile I see out of the corner of my eye. His long elegant index finger comes into view and goes under my chin. Said finger raises my chin so my eyes meet his. “Then, Glossy, one second wouldn’t go by that you weren’t my girl. There aren’t a lot of things I know in life, but I knew the right girl for me the second I met her.”

  Then he stands all the way up and walks away from me. He leaves me with more questions that I’ll never find the answers to. He leaves me breathless and lost in a sea with no anchor.

  Maybe I need him to hold me up.

  Or maybe I just need him.

  ***

  There’s only so much a girl can take.

  First, Damien meets me at my locker every morning. He doesn’t carry my books or anything but he does walk me to class. He never touches me either, just stands so close to me I end up brushing against him constantly. Then, whenever he leaves to go to his own class, he whispers goodbye in my ear. “Later, Glossy.” It’s like he’s trying to kill me.

  I know the bastard knows what he’s doing. He smirks all too often when I gasp or look like I’ve become a damn airhead. You know what I’m talking about. My eyes go glassy, my mouth hangs open and I start twisting my hair around my finger. Total airhead look.

  Gah!

  Then he always takes me for a ride on his bike after school. It’s hard to tell him no when he leads me to his bike every afternoon. I love the wind in my hair, in my face and how it clears my brain. There’s nothing but Damien and me out there, free to be us.

  It’s like going home every time.

  We have two weeks until graduation and I hope to God Victor gets his letter by then. I can’t stand to think what would happen if I didn’t get to see Damien every day. While I hate the sexual tension, I would SERIOUSLY miss it.

  “Glossy, your phone’s ringin’. It’s like the fifth time.” I snap my eyes open and wait while Damien pulls the bike over. We are out on a back road where there isn’t a lot of traffic.

  “How could you feel that and I couldn’t?” I ask, talking about the vibrations of my phone.

  He laughs and shrugs his shoulders. “Just answer it and let’s get back on the road.”

  I roll my eyes and look down at the strange number that has been calling me. I go to hit redial but the phone starts vibrating in my hand. I take a huge swallow before I answer.

  I figure I know who it is. And I’m right.

  “Hello?”

  “Thank God. Ashes why aren’t you answering the phone?”

  I sent the letter three weeks ago. You’d think he would have gotten it by now, but since he’s on the other side of the world, it would take a long ass time. “Because I was riding around on a motorcycle. I’m guessing you got my letter?”

  He takes a deep breath and I know he’s about to ring me a new asshole. I should have known he wouldn’t have taken the break up well. “Yeah I got your letter. And everything about it was fine until you told me you met someone else.”

  I sneer my face at that. He thinks I cheated on him. See how much faith he has in me? “Yeah I did. Nothing is going on though. I’m not a fucking skank, Victor.”

  “So you’re still my Ashes?”

  This time I roll my eyes. “No, that was the whole point of the letter. I don’t want to be with you anymore. I took time to think about it before I wrote it. And I realized even before you left, I didn’t want to be with you anymore. I was just holding on to something I thought I wanted.”

  “I know you’re upset about me leaving. But I told you I couldn’t just let Talon go. He needs me at his back. Besides, you said you were fine with it.”

  “That’s the fucking point! You don’t even realize when I’m telling you something just to keep you happy! It’s over. I’m seriously done. If you wanted to be with me, you would be here right now. You would be protecting me, not Talon.” I start pacing on the hot pavement, forgetting that Damien is there.


  “Fine. I don’t have time to fight with you about this right now. You get the wild out of you and when I get home we can pick up where we left off.”

  I blink my eyes slowly. Then I blow the fuck up. “No, you listen, you fucking dickhead! I’m done with you. I refuse to be put in the shadows so you can hang out with your best friend. I’m not second best for anyone, not anymore. I’m going to be number one and I’m going to find a guy who will make me feel that way every day. I won’t have time to even speak to you when you get back. Have a nice fucking life, Victor Gage, because I certainly won’t be around to see it!” Then I snap the phone shut and scream at the top of my lungs.

  Strong arms wrap around my waist and pull me back into a hard chest. His chin moves my hair around my shoulder and his nose nuzzles my ear.

  Then Damien Daniels shows me he can be way more romantic than Victor Gage ever even thought of being.

  He softly sings “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles. My entire body tingles and I feel tears well up in my eyes. My lips quiver and my body rocks with sobs but I still let him sing to me.

  I feel like that part of me, made for Victor, curled up and died. Then it floated away in the breeze never to be replaced again.

  I turn around and slam my lips down on Damien’s because I’ve been wondering what they felt like for weeks. I lift one of my legs over his hip and his hand comes down to catch it. I wrap my arms around his neck as his tongue pushes into my mouth. It’s not a gentle kiss. It’s all this mess inside of us, all the ugly parts coming out to be battled out by the other person.

  His free hand comes down to my ass, as I twirl my tongue with his. Then I nibble at his full bottom lip as he presses our best parts together more closely. I feel how much he wants me and I feel how much I want him in my pants.

  My hands slowly go higher, right into his thick blonde hair. I tug at the strands keeping him prisoner against my lips. But I know he doesn’t want to let go. So there we stand, in the middle of a deserted road, and kiss like we are dying.

  I’ve never felt more alive in my whole life.

  And I know nothing will ever be more perfect than my first kiss with Damien.

  ***

  We kiss to the soft sound of The Beatles in the background. Our tongues dance and our bodies are flush together. Hands are everywhere and I don’t even need to breathe because he does it for me. We are one and I have never felt so fucking alive.

  Victor and I had great sex, but for some reason just fooling around with Damien is way better than sex with Victor. Victor took the time for my pleasure but mostly he was looking for his own. Pleasing me was like an afterthought, almost as if it wasn’t important.

  With Damien, it’s equal. We strive to please the other one before we please ourselves. Though we haven’t had sex yet. I want to make sure I’m not just rebounding with Damien. I want us to be real, have a real connection. I want this relationship to be healthy.

  I don’t want to be needy with Damien like I was with Victor. I want to stand next to him, not behind him. I have to have all that before I take the next step. Sex means something to me and I want it to mean the most to both of us.

  “Fuck, baby. You’re drivin’ me crazy,” Damien whispers against my ear. His tongue comes out to lick the shell of my ear and I groan.

  The best part about all of this? Damien doesn’t push me. He doesn’t ask anything of me I’m not willing to give. He takes his time with me, getting me right on the edge and then he backs off. He might be driving us both crazy, but I know it’ll only make the actual act that much better because he’ll already know my body, probably better than I do.

  I don’t know why I listened to my mom about bad boys. I should have done this a long time ago. Damien may cuss like a sailor, grab my ass in public, glare at guys who look at me even with nothing but friendliness, refuse to let me drive my own car when he’s in it, steal cars and carry a wicked looking gun, but he still gives a shit about me. He wants to know what I’m thinking and how I feel about things. He’s not aggressive towards me and he holds my hand in front of his friends. His little brother might give him shit for that, but Damien doesn’t care.

  “I like driving you crazy,” I tell him, grinding my hips into him as I straddle his waist. “You make the sexiest noises.”

  He grins up at me and tugs my face back down to his by my hair. “I like it too. Every time I see you, I get hard as a rock. That’s all it takes and I can’t wait to get you under me.” He kisses me deeply and then pulls away slowly. His eyes watch my lips, “Most beautiful bitch in the world.”

  I place my hands on his face and run my nose along his. “You make me that way. You make me happy and it flows out of me, making me glow. It’s like my body wants everyone to know how you make me feel.” I’ve learned to ignore the “bitch” remark, it’s how he and his whole club talk.

  “You say the sweetest shit, baby girl.” We both laugh, but before long our lips are touching and his tongue is in my mouth.

  That’s when my bedroom door bursts open. Thinking it’s one of my little brothers or Annabella, I throw the blankets over us. I’m not wearing a shirt after all.

  “Ashley, I think it’s time your friend went home.” The cold voice of my mother rings from my bedroom door.

  I look at her from over my shoulder and roll my eyes. “You get to have overnight guests, why can’t I make out with my boyfriend till curfew?” I graduated high school two weeks ago and I still have a curfew. I really need to get my own place.

  “No, your boyfriend is in Iraq. Do you really want Annabella to come in here and see this? What would she tell Victor?” She places her hands on her hips and glares at me. I don’t look that much like my mother. Her skin is tan and her hair is light brown, almost blonde. Her eyes are green and she’s short. Which makes me feel even more like an outsider. Both my brothers look just like her. I look like my dad.

  I sigh because I knew this was coming. She doesn’t believe that I broke up with Victor. Not that I blame her. Like everyone else she thought the two of us were madly in love. It’s the things people want to see that will hurt them the most when it turns out it wasn’t even true. “Victor and I broke up. Weeks ago.”

  “You can’t just break up with a man while he’s off at war. That’s the worst thing you can do to someone,” my mom states, still glaring at me.

  I throw the blanket off of Damien and I. I get off of him and then off the bed. I find my t-shirt hanging off the corner of my dresser and I quickly toss it on. “Yeah, well, I couldn’t deal with it Mom. He didn’t even think about me when he left, he was only thinking about Talon. Victor doesn’t understand what love is and I got tired of trying to explain it to him. You just can’t love someone who is holding you back.” I look at her from under my lashes while I deliver the next blow. “You’d know all about that wouldn’t you?” My father cheated on her. Though I guess his sex addiction was the cause of that. I don’t really know because I was really young at the time.

  And let’s not even talk about my dead stepfather.

  “Ashley, I just can’t stand to see you ruining your life. This isn’t you. My daughter doesn’t act like this.” Her eyes plead with me to understand now. She thinks she’s right and I’m wrong.

  Well, I guess it’s time to prove her wrong. “Actually, Mom, I’ve never been myself. I’ve always been hiding as the girl everyone else thought I should be. I’m tired of hiding behind Victor. I want to be me. I want to say whatever the fuck comes into my head. I don’t want to wear fancy clothes and go to charity functions. I want to ride on the back of my man’s bike and hang out at the clubhouse with people who aren’t afraid to be themselves. I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks. I’ve done everything in my life to please you or some high society bitch I didn’t even like. I’m just tired of it.”

  My mom opens and closes her mouth like a fish and I resist the urge to laugh. “Well you can’t bring that boy in here anymore. He’s a bad influence on your brothers. And I don�
�t want anything to come up missing. There are valuables in the house.”

  Okay that’s it. “Damien put your shoes on. We’re leaving.” I stride over to my closet and pull out a Gucci bag my mom got me for Christmas last year. I wouldn’t have cared if it were from fucking Wal-Mart. I start stuffing clothes and shoes into the bag. When it’s filled up, I grab my wallet and shove it in my back pocket. I go over to my window and throw the bag down. Then I turn back to my mother. “You can tell the boys and Anna I went back to Victor’s. If they want to see me, call me and I’ll meet y’all there. Other than that, I’m done with you.

  “You do realize that Damien is Carl Daniels’ son. You know, the guy that was such good friends with Dad? Carl has always been more of a father to me than Dad ever was. You insult him and me with the words that came out of your mouth. You should really learn not to judge Mom.” What I have to say next is between my mom and I. I don’t want Damien to hear and ask questions later. I lean down to say quietly into her ear, “I’ll tell Van and Court all the shit you’ve been hiding from them. Hell Mom, I’ll tell the whole world.” I wouldn’t really but she doesn’t know that. I shouldn’t know all the secrets of my mother’s life but my father thought I should know. He wrote all of it down and willed it to me when he died. I guess he thought I would be older when he died. But I wasn’t.

  I grab Damien’s hand and pull him out of my bedroom. I’m not going to miss the purple hues on the walls and on the bed. Nor the white carpet and fluffy rugs. Not even the desk Mom got for me when I was fourteen. It’s all junk that bitch got me, even more ways I let the people in my life control me.

  “It was nice to meet you, Mrs. Pierce,” Damien says to her. Pierce is the last name of my stepfather.