Sleepless Nights

by Amanda Heath

  “It’s actually Ms. Bridges. And I’d rather you get out of my house than try to charm me.” Bridges is her maiden name, which she went back to after my stepfather died.

  “You don’t have to be nice to her. She practically called you a thief,” I tell him once we get outside. We thankfully didn’t run into anyone else in the house.

  I go to walk over to the place I dropped my bag, when Damien pulls my hand and brings me into his arms. “Baby, I steal cars for my Dad. I am a thief.”

  I shrug. “Yeah, but you’re not going to steal her car, or anything out of her house.”

  “I could, if you wanted to piss her off. Though I think runnin’ off like you did was punishment enough.” He smoothes the hair out of my face and looks deep into my eyes. “I ain’t got much to give you, Glossy. Just my bike and my club. I ain’t Victor and I ain’t made of money. I can’t give you this.” He waves his hands around at my mother’s huge ass house.

  I give him a small smile. “I don’t want this, Damien. If I did, I would have stayed with Victor and become a housewife with fake everything and a drinking problem.” I lean in and give him a gentle kiss. “I just want you. Plus, I can buy whatever I want. I got my trust found three months ago. Hell, I can buy us a huge house if that’s what you want.”

  He purses his lips and glares at me. “I ain’t lettin’ my old lady buy our house. I’ll do it. You can spend your money on decoratin’ it.”

  And now I become sad because thinking about the future does that to me. “Do you want kids?”

  He frowns at me and wraps his arms tight around my waist. “I haven’t really thought about it. They are cute and everythin’ but I honestly don’t know if I could handle it.”

  I gulp down my fears and just blurt it out. The one thing I haven’t told another person since my mother found out. “I can’t have kids.” My eyes get blurry and I know the tears are about to come. Of all the things I’ve been hiding inside my whole life, this is the one thing I don’t like to live with. Because more than anything, I want to bear my own children.

  But I can’t.

  “Baby…” he whispers, pushing my face into his neck. “I don’t need kids to make me happy. I only need you. I knew when I first saw you, I’d do anythin’ to make you happy. I couldn’t stand to see that sadness in your eyes.”

  I didn’t know he could see all of that. “The only thing I want but can’t have,” I sob out into his neck, letting the tears soak into his skin. It’s almost as if he’s taking on the pain himself.

  “Is that why you wouldn’t marry Victor?” he asks softy. He rocks me from side to side and places gentle kisses along my hair. It takes me a few moments to realize I’m crying. I don’t like to cry and I really don’t want to cry in front of this guy. He’s so strong; it’s hard to show weakness in front of him.

  I nod though. “He wants three kids. He talks about that often.” I let a sob out and close my eyes tight, letting go of all that pain. Victor can’t hurt me anymore. “It broke my heart into a million pieces every time.”

  Damien starts to walk backwards until he bumps into my car. He opens the passenger side door and gently pushes me inside. He kneels in front of me and holds my face in his hands. “Ashley…I cant take that pain for you. I want to more than anything, baby. But you’re rippin’ my fuckin’ heart out right now. You’re so fuckin’ strong and sure headed all the time. I didn’t even know you could cry.”

  “I don’t want you to think I’m weak,” I whisper while the tears still flow down my face. He rubs them into my face and at first it’s weird. But I realize he doesn’t want me to let go of my tears. They are a part of me.

  “I don’t think you’re weak. I think you’re the strongest fuckin’ bitch I ever met. You live your life the way you want to, at least ever since I met you. And since I’ve been around you I haven’t seen you let anyone give you shit without givin’ it back.” My tears slowly dry up with his words. It’s hard to see myself that way considering I’ve been weak for so long. Hiding behind things I thought I needed to be doing. Afraid to stand in the light and be laughed at. When in reality I’d already moved into the light and all because of one boy. “It’s not your fault God gave you this lot in life. The only thing you can do is hold your head up high and flip everyone the bird.”

  “When did you get so amazing?” I whisper, staring at him, trying to figure out how I got so lucky. I went from one guy who brought me down right into the arms of the only person who could lift me up. “You make it hard for a girl not to fall in love with you.”

  He gasps before he bites his lip. His cheeks turn red before he leans in and kisses me. “You make it pretty fuckin’ hard yourself, girl. Both literally and figuratively.”

  I sit up and wipe the rest of my tears away. I push him away from the door and close it. “Go get my bag and let’s get out of this hell hole.”

  Five

  “Are you ever going to fuck him?” Lola asks while twirling her butt around on her bar stool.

  I about spit out the sip of beer in my mouth at her question. “Excuse me? How is that any of your business?”

  Lola laughs and the sound is fluttery and wild. “It’s not. I’m just saying though. I came from this life. My pop has been in this club since before I was born.” She finally stops the twirling and faces me dead on. Her eyes are a little glassy and I’m pretty sure she’s drunk. I wouldn’t really know though, because I’ve never been drunk. “You don’t give it up to him, then he’ll go somewhere else. That’s what they do. It’s in their nature. In fact, I’m pretty sure they don’t believe in monogamy.”

  I shrug my shoulders. I feel light and fluffy. My head is for once clear as the night sky and I want to dance. But I hate dancing. “If he truly loves me, he wouldn’t cheat. And if he did I would know it was over. I’m not gonna stick around and watch him be with club whores. I’ve got my own life to live. I’ve already let one prick make me less than I am. I’m certainly not gonna let another guy do that to me.”

  Lola blinks at me a few times. “Are you serious? You wouldn’t shoot him or anything? You’d just walk away? What if you guys have kids?”

  At the mention of kids, I swallow hard. But I refuse to let that bring me down tonight. I can’t change what’s already done. I just have to live with it, even if the thought nearly kills me. “I’d walk away. Why should I waste my time on someone who would do that? If we have kids, I’m not saying he couldn’t be in their life. But he will no longer have any say in mine. Yeah, I’ll be fucking pissed and probably find a willing brother to revenge fuck, but other than that, I’d go. There’s no need to cause a catfight or make a big scene. It’s between the two of us, not anyone else.”

  “You make a lot of sense when you’re drunk. I wish I could make that much sense right now.” Lola chuckles and starts twirling around in her chair again.

  I give her a small smile and look back down at my beer. We’ve been sitting at the bar for thirty minutes while all the men have “church”. Or, as it was explained to me, they are having a club meeting in some conference room I had no idea existed. Damien was made a full member a few days ago. I had no idea he was even prospecting. Shows how much I know about motorcycle clubs. He even got a leather vest, or a cut as they call it. Well they call it cut or club colors. I don’t know, it confuses me half the time.

  I haven’t seen him wear it, but tonight is his welcome to the club party. Or it might be canceled since this meeting wasn’t planned. Damien just told us to stay out here and wait. Bastard, one of the newer members gave us a pitcher of beer, and went back with the rest of the men.

  Now Lola and I are in a room full of club whores and old ladies. I guess I could be considered an old lady. I’d rather not be called that, but I get the point. Being in a relationship to them is different then being in one out in the world. They live by their own rules, skating the law like a thin piece of ice. They live their way and civilians live another.

  Lola slumps her head against the b
ar and that’s about the time I felt like going home. I moved out of my mom’s about three weeks ago. I got into an apartment in Meadows, this small suburban town outside of Dallas, where I’ve lived all my life. I didn’t want to be far from my brothers, or Victor’s house in case they wanted to come over. When he comes back he can explain it to Annabella. And until my mother approves of Damien, my brothers won’t know a damn thing. Sucks, but I have to listen to Mom’s rules or I won’t get to see them at all.

  I didn’t move in with Damien because neither one of us is ready for that. I’m not even sure we’re officially a couple. I’ve heard him introduce me to his brothers as “his old lady” but he’s never told me “hey, you’re my girlfriend”. See where I could get confused? Or maybe I shouldn’t be confused at all. He doesn’t even look at other girls when I’m around. There are plenty of them around for him to get with. They seem to like to flap around like chickens in heat.

  Do chickens even go into heat?

  God I’m fucking drunk.

  I slump my head against the bar too. I must have drifted off because warm hands race across my shoulders and I jerk upright. I have my fist raised to sucker punch the person when I realize it’s Damien.

  And my eyes about fall out of my head.

  He’s wearing nothing but his cut. Oh and jeans, just no shirt underneath the leather vest. “Where…where have you been hiding that body?”

  I’m a tall girl. Always have been. I just stopped letting people make fun of me a long time ago. Damien towers over me, he’s so fucking tall. It’s nice to have to strain my neck to look at someone. Normally I’m always looking down.

  All his tan skin is exposed on his arms and his stomach. His muscles are all sweaty and glisten in the low lights, giving him this glow. His abs contract as I move my eyes down them. I can’t see his pecs, but I’m sure they are as well defined as the rest of him. Black boxer briefs peek out of his low riding tight black jeans. They form fit to his legs and even those are well worked out. “When do you even have time to work out for that? You’d have to be in there for five hours a day.”

  Yes I know. I’m stupid when I’m drunk.

  Damien laughs and pulls me into his arms. I love how he smells. Have I said that before? Probably, I just don’t care. It’s like he’s been sweating in the forest. “I work out every day, just not for that long. How would I ever see you?”

  “I’ll come work out with you. I like to work out, just not every day. That’d be way too much for me. I like to beat the shit out of that punching bag and run on the treadmill. Everything else seems silly.” I ramble on but I don’t think he hears me because we are moving towards the front of the building. “Where are we going?”

  “I’m taking you home. You’re shit-faced drunk. I didn’t even know you could get that drunk on beer,” he tells me once we get to my car.

  I try to shove away from him but of course I don’t get away. “I don’t want to go home. It’s lonely there. All I think about are my brothers and my stupid mom. And I’ve never drank before, so of course I got drunk off beer, dumbass.”

  My head starts to spin and I’m thankful when Damien gets me into my car. He lays me down on the bench seat and climbs in over me. “Move in with me then,” he whispers, staring down at me.

  My heart starts to pound. My palms get sweaty, or at least I think they do because I can’t seem to grip the sides of the seat. I don’t answer him.

  Damien sighs and hangs his head. I don’t want that to be us. I don’t want him to ask me an important question and I turn him down because I’m too afraid of myself. “What’re we doin’ here, Glossy? I want you in my bed, in my house, in my fuckin’ everyday life. You been my old lady for two months!”

  Like something out of a dream I raise my hands and place them on either side of his face. His hard body lays on top of me and I love how he feels. We fit together perfectly, so perfectly no one fit together as perfectly as we do. His serious denim eyes bore into me and I realize I want more with him than I ever wanted with Victor. It’s just hard to let go of Victor. I’ve known him all my life and I fear what will happen when he comes back. I don’t want to go back to that girl I used to be. The one who hid behind him and let him make all the decisions.

  So I blurt out, “Marry me.”

  Damien surprises me though. He smirks down at me and trails his thumb along my cheek. “Why do you want to get married all of a sudden? You couldn’t even give me an answer about movin’ in together.”

  I refuse to take my eyes off of him. My beautiful Damien. “I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want Victor to come back and take this all away from me. He can’t if we get married. I keep thinking about it, you know? How I let my mom and him talk me into things I didn’t want to do. I don’t want to go back to that. Save me from that, please. Keep me, me.”

  He leans all the way down and kisses me. Our tongues touch and we start to shift around to get a better angle. My elbow flies out and hits the radio button. “I Caught Myself” by Paramore comes on and it couldn’t be more perfect.

  My hands go into his cut, sliding it down his arms. It gets trapped at his elbows and I like him caged against me. It doesn’t last long though, because he needs to touch me. That’s what I love about him, when we are like this; he always has to be touching me. He wants me to know his mind is on me and no one else.

  He pulls away to get the cut off and I grin at the view. Damien straddling my hips with nothing on but his jeans. All that golden skin on display teasing my eyes with its beauty. His muscles bunch and strain as he leans back over me, his lips heading right for my neck. He sucks so hard I gasp and wiggle underneath him. That kind of hurts.

  He lifts his head back up and stares down at me. “Yeah, I’ll marry you. I ain’t gonna let that fucker take away what’s mine. No one gets to see you like this ever again. Just me and God, baby.”

  I laugh but it gets cut off when he picks me up and tosses me into the back seat. He climbs out the passenger side door and pushes the front seat forward before climbing into the back seat with me. He doesn’t take his time now. My shirt is thrown over my head and my bra is ripped off my body. He lowers his head to suck a hard nipple into his mouth and I forget about being drunk dizzy. I’m Damien dizzy now.

  My hand snakes down to fight with his jeans. The button comes through the loop and my hand goes in to touch his erection. While we’ve made out lots of times, I always stop it before we get here. But now my drunk and horny body wants to go all the way.

  “You’re gonna ride me, Ashley. Up and down my cock until you can’t take it anymore,” Damien whispers at me as he raises his head. His eyes are black as midnight in the dark but I can feel them piercing me with their intensity. “I’m gonna have that pussy comin’ all over me.”

  I moan loudly at his words and I can’t bring myself to care. Not as his hand goes into my pants like a man on a mission. His rough fingers touch warm silkiness and I jerk against his chest. He touches along my clit causing me to jerk some more before he slowly pushes one finger into my slick channel. My hips start to pump, making my sex move along his fingers and hand. “That’s it, baby girl. Fuck my hand. Take what you need.”

  “Oh my God. Oh my God.” I keep repeating it over and over again. I don’t even care if I sound stupid. I swear on my life nothing has ever felt this good before.

  Nothing.

  Before I know it I’m squeezing his fingers with my body and crying out his name. I think even my eyes rolled back in my head. He doesn’t give me time to recover before he’s jerking my pants off and ripping my underwear apart.

  He leans back in the seat and pulls his erection out, pumping it once then twice. His head is resting against the back of the seat as “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails comes on the radio.

  I don’t even think as I climb over him and line my body up with his. I sink on him slowly, so slowly I know it’s torture for both of us. More torture than I can stand. He stretches me, but not to the point of pain. Once I’m s
eated all the way, he puts his hands on my hips to keep me from moving. “Hold on, baby. Fuck. Just fuck.”

  He starts to pant and I want to laugh that I’ve made him speechless from his dirty talk but he comes back with a vengeance. “All that wet, just for me. I can’t handle it. Fuck me with that wet pussy. Give me all you got.”

  I groan as he lets my hips go and I start moving up and down. I rest my elbows on the front seat and lean my head back so I won’t smack it into the roof. I pump up and down, gasping and groaning the whole time. I feel so fucking full; I don’t think I’ll be able to walk tomorrow.

  No. Lie.

  Damien cups my breasts with his hands as I move my hips to the techno beat from the song. We fog up the windows and a sweat bead runs down my face onto my breast. He comes forward and licks it off as he nibbles on my nipple. Then I turn into a person I’ve never met before. I meet his eyes across the dark back seat and say, “You like it when I fuck that cock? Your big cock feels so good inside of me.” I moan again and watch his chest pump up and down with alarming speed. I know it’s only seconds before we’re both about to come.

  We come together in a series of groans and curse words. Everything inside of me breaks apart and comes back together in the space of a second. I find Damien’s face in my neck kissing and sucking until I know I’ll be covered in hickeys. His hands hold my hips down on his groin as he releases.

  “God, I fuckin’ love you. We are so about to get married,” Damien whispers in-between his heavy breathing. I want to laugh but I don’t have the air myself.

  When I finally catch my breath, I kiss him deeply trying to imprint myself onto his body. “I love you too, asshole.”

  ***

  “Where is your mother?” I ask softly. After the hot and steamy sex, I put on my jeans and Damien’s cut. I probably shouldn’t be wearing it but I couldn’t just sit out here in my car with my boobs hanging out.