Sleepless Nights

by Amanda Heath

“Did…did you just yell at me? And say fuck?” Her mouth hangs slightly open and she looks at me with respect.

  “I’m sorry Anna, I didn’t mean to yell at you. I just hate to see you waste your perfect lungs on those toxic things.” I feel tears choke the back of my throat at my words. Ryan started smoking last year and I couldn’t believe it. I tried to talk him out of it. Hell, just yesterday I was trying to talk him out of it. But I won’t get that chance anymore.

  Because his dickhead brother moved out and refuses to talk to me. Now I’m left with this gaping hole in my chest and tainted memories I wish I could forget.

  Annabella shrugs and strides towards the front door. But she turns to look at me before entering. “If you promise to not break my brother’s heart again, I will never tell Van and Pierce about your other boyfriend.” She throws her long honey brown hair over her shoulder and glares at me. “You know, the one who you’ve been with for the past two years. The one your mother didn’t approve of.”

  I swallow hard and adjust the strap of my purse over my shoulder. I’m not used to wearing one around. For the past couple of years I’ve been wearing jeans every day with one of Damien’s shirts. I stopped collecting heels and most of my clothes I got at Wal-Mart with Lola. I didn’t need a purse to look proper anymore. I just needed a back pocket. “I promise to never hurt Victor. Especially now. That’s why I’m here. I wanna make sure he’s gonna be okay.”

  Annabella doesn’t answer me, just opens the front door and goes inside. She leaves it open so I assume we won’t be having this discussion anymore.

  The second I walk in, I see him. My knees almost give out underneath me because he looks so beaten down and broken. His hair is longer than the last time I saw him, but still not as long as he kept it when we were teenagers. His usually golden skin is white and I see pain etched onto his face around his eyes. His head lies against the back of the couch, his eyes closed.

  I set my purse down on the floor by the front door. I stride quietly over towards the couch and sit down gently beside him. I timidly place my hand over his, which is lying against his stomach. Those light brown eyes open to meet mine. They are glazed over, of course, but I figured they would be. Eight bullet wounds had to hurt. “You made it,” he whispers, a soft smile on his handsome face.

  I lift one corner of my mouth and pat his hand before I start to draw it away. He doesn’t let me though; lightning quick he reaches out and snatches it back. “I was beginning to think I wouldn’t ever see you again.” He’s whispering and I wonder if something is wrong with his voice.

  “Why are you whispering?” I question, shifting on the couch so I’m resting one knee on the cushion.

  He gives me a cocky grin and tightens his hand on mine. “Because I feel like you might disappear if I talk too loud. I don’t know why though, it’s probably the drugs.”

  “I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I’m here to help you recover.” I rest my elbow against the back of the couch and hold my head up with my other hand.

  “What about your other guy?” he mumbles, still staring at me with this far off glazed look. I wonder if he gets stuck in the memories of us before he went off to war. Long before I cared that he didn’t appreciate me.

  “We broke up. A long time ago,” I say, choking back the tears clogging my throat. It’s funny how I can go right back into my lies. Damien and I have been broken up for three days. That’s how long I waited for him to come back before I came here. We fought for hours about it. I wanted to be here for Victor but Damien just couldn’t understand my thought process.

  Victor, to me, is more than my ex-boyfriend. He’s that one friend I’ve had all my life. He’s family more than anything, just not someone I can call my brother because he took my virginity. That would be fucking gross.

  Victor leans forward on the couch and winces. I make a face at him but he lifts his right arm and cups my face. I move back slightly, being way too close to him for my comfort. “Then why haven’t you come back to me?”

  I roll my eyes at this. “Because you haven’t changed. Or you haven’t shown me you’ve changed. We weren’t good together, let alone healthy for one another. You made me crazy the whole time and Talon didn’t know how to share.” I take my hand out of his and smooth back some of his hair. “We are way better off as friends.”

  “See, I don’t agree with you. I think we could be better this time. Way better than before. I’ve changed and I realized what I put you through.” He lifts up his shirt to show me some of the bullet holes, which are all covered in bandages. “Talon got me shot eight times. I’m more inclined to want to be around you now. You were trying to keep me safe.”

  I laugh, but the sound isn’t me. My laugh is more free and doesn’t sound forced. “I’m definitely not ready to be with anyone right now.” I take my hand from his face and lean my forehead against his. “It’s gonna be a long time before I’m over him, Victor. He meant a lot to me.”

  I pull my head back and get up off the couch. But Victor stops me from leaving the room. “What about me? Do I not count for anything? Did I not mean anything to you?”

  I clench my hands against my sides. Even hurt and full of painkillers he’s still an asshole. “Not everything is about you Victor. I should have realized that when we were together but I didn’t. And I’m not going to get over him overnight. If I ever get over him.”

  Victor grunts and I turn to find him trying to get off the couch. “Stop that before you hurt yourself!” I screech and run over to him.

  Victor laughs, the noise painful, and it grates on my nerves. Stubborn fool. “Not until you listen to me, Ashes. I have things I want to say to you.”

  “No! I’m not talking about any of this tonight, okay? It’s late and I’m tired.” Tired from all the crying and this bullshit.

  I help Victor to his feet and he seems to be in less pain. I start to back away but he grabs my hand. His skin is warm and calloused now. Before, his hands were smooth and taken care of. “I laid out there, Ashes. I laid out there in the desert, trying not to die and all I could see was your face. I realized there was unfinished business between us and I prayed I’d have a chance to come home. Come home to find you and fix everything I did. Everything I put you through.”

  I close my eyes and ask God for patience. Luckily, it seems He came through for me. “I guess we can talk about it but not tonight. You need to rest and get better. And I’m so tired I can’t think straight anyway.”

  “Will you tuck me in at least?” he whispers, coming to stand right behind me. His warm body touches mine gently and I realize I feel something. I’m not sure what it is but it’s something. Though his touch has nothing on Damien’s. I swear when that man touches me I come apart at the seams. Though once upon a time, Victor’s touch did that to me too.

  Will I start comparing them to each other? No, I can’t do that. I have to be strong on this one. Damien will get over his tantrum at some point. Then I won’t have to be around Victor as much or at all.

  “I’ll tuck you in, but no funny business.”

  And I did, but several hours later I was woken up by his screams. It was so damn late; I just stayed in my old room at my mom’s house. I thought this might be better because my brothers still didn’t know Victor and I weren’t together.

  I jumped out of bed and raced out of the room and down one door. I burst through the door of Victor’s room thinking he’d hurt himself getting out of bed, but that wasn’t the case. He was thrashing around, screaming for Talon. Some of his stitches tore because there was blood leaking out onto his bandages.

  I didn’t know what I was seeing. I was scared but I still approached him. His eyes were wide open staring at something I couldn’t see. I touched his arm and that only made it worse. He pulled me against him and wrapped his hands around my neck. He started shaking me and I couldn’t breathe. I stared into the eyes of a man gone off the deep end. In that moment neither of us knew the other. This was soldier Victor. “Victor…” I
whisper screamed but it still barely made a sound.

  I don’t think he could hear me anyway.

  “Victor…pl-please…Vic-Victor…” I was pleading through my mouth and with my eyes and somewhere deep inside of himself he pulled through. Suddenly I was looking into the eyes of the Victor I knew growing up.

  He let go of my throat quickly and laid back down on the bed. Then he started sobbing and I couldn’t stop myself from crying some more. “What did you see ov-over th-there?” I stutter, though I’m still shaken up by the way Victor woke up.

  I watch him pull a hand down his face as his body trembles. And even though he just tried to strangle me, I lay down beside him. I shove my face into his neck and get a whiff of him. He still wears the same cologne and it brings back so many memories.

  And there in the dark, we cried together.

  We fell asleep wrapped around each other because I knew then and there I couldn’t just leave him. I couldn’t let Victor be alone through this.

  Victor

  I woke up the next morning to find Ashley asleep on my chest. Ever since the day she broke up with me, I’d imagined her like this often. Her face is peaceful and expressionless. I like it. Ashley has always showed every emotion on her face so it’s nice not to see what she’s thinking.

  When I was on my last tour in Iraq, I fell off a cliff right into an enemy camp. I think they were looking for the base, so it was actually good I found them. Especially since they were only three miles away from the base.

  I had been out doing a patrol when I heard noises from the very camp I landed in. I went to check it out but I didn’t see the steep incline until I stepped out onto it. And down I went. The cliff was only twenty feet high but I still dislocated my fucking knee when I landed.

  I’d been trained for this very thing. You ignore the pain and you fight. You take care of your mission and you get out of there. You also leave no man behind. Luckily, I didn’t have anyone to leave behind, not right then anyway.

  So I popped my knee back in right before the first bullet hit me in the chest. I got hit seven more times before I’d killed or wounded all of them with my gun. Talon, who was out on patrol with me, landed right after the show was over.

  This is not what gave me PTSD. It’s just what got me discharged. Couldn’t very well keep up my end with all those holes in me.

  A few months before this, I was stuck behind enemy lines for six hours. I saw things I wish I hadn’t and I did things I can never take back. I left a man behind and I’ll regret it until the day I die. It doesn’t even matter that he was already dead. I just knew his sister was back at the base waiting for him. And she wouldn’t get to see him again.

  A lot of the guys thought it was silly to let women into the army. I grew up with Ashley who is the strongest person I know. Honestly it was a relief to have women around because they made us softer, they stopped us from turning into complete machines with no feelings, just numbness.

  But that sister, she was different. I don’t know what it was about her but she changed me. She made me better. I can’t even think her name because it hurts too much. I knew when I came back without her brother she wouldn’t touch me again. She wouldn’t kiss me with those soft amazing lips or touch me with her light touch or wrap her legs around my waist as I pounded into her. Those brown eyes wouldn’t search for me when she entered a room again.

  That’s why I was so fucking happy when Ashley walked into Lily’s house. I couldn’t believe how badly I had missed her. I didn’t even realize it. Probably because I had moved on before she did. I’ll just never admit that to her.

  And that morning when Ashley got up it was like two years hadn’t passed since we woke up like that. Only we didn’t have sex until almost a year later. I didn’t complain because I couldn’t let go of my brown-eyed girl. Ashley would be touching me and all I could feel were someone elses hands.

  I was better towards Ashley until my sister got addicted to drugs. Annabella almost ruined her life and I never once let Ashley in on it. She would get everyone involved and I didn’t want that. I wanted to handle it on my own. I watched what Maggie did to Talon’s family and I didn’t want Annabella to do that to ours.

  But then again, it was always Annabella and I against the world. We fought our own battles and we kept those we loved close, but never close enough. Because if we let them in all the way, it would destroy them. We are not good people.

  So I watched Ashley walk away from me again four years later. History has a way of repeating itself and I found myself single for the first time in my life. And I took advantage. I hooked up and I partied with Talon but there was always a brown-eyed girl in the back of my mind. I didn’t even know where she was or how she was doing. I cared though but I wouldn’t look for her because I didn’t want to find her with someone else.

  I wouldn’t be able to take that.

  But Ashley has a way of getting under my skin. Is it because she was my first love? Was that our problem? Maybe it was because I honestly don’t know. We always seemed to find our way back to each other. This time was going to be the last time. If she refused to marry me again, I was done. And just like I knew she would, she refused. And I walked away without a second glance.

  And that’s how I ended up hating Ashley as much as I loved her.

  Ashley

  Victor was a new man this time around. We honestly developed a healthy relationship, one where he didn’t spend all his time with Talon. Victor was attentive, we went out and did things and I felt protected even though I didn’t need a hero. I just needed him.

  I thought I was finally over Damien “Rage” Daniels but at night I would still see him in my dreams. The way we were before it all fell apart. I would have given anything to stay with Victor, regardless of what my heart wanted. Damien destroyed my heart in a way I couldn’t ever get over. I knew I’d forever mourn what we had but he threw it all away so quickly. At least when Victor was mad at me, he didn’t leave me. I think that’s the biggest difference; Victor would never leave no matter how bad it got. Damien left when he truly felt threatened.

  This time we didn’t fall apart like we did the time before. No his little sister came between us. It seems there is always someone coming between us. I just couldn’t handle the lying about her drug problems and the rift she caused between Van and Court.

  Though I guess I can thank her for that too. Because of what she did, Channing found a way to let me in to his life. I finally had a full family but no man. It was honestly the best time in my life.

  I got close to my mother again; close with all my brothers. It seemed that was my problem all along. I couldn’t be in a relationship because of me. I was the issue. I seemed to suck the life out of either Victor or Damien until there was nothing left. Whether they broke my heart or not, I was still to blame. If I had backed off a little at any point in either relationship then maybe things wouldn’t have been so bad.

  With Damien, I never talked about Victor, I never let on how much he truly meant to me. So when he got hurt, Damien couldn’t understand why I wanted to be there to comfort Victor. He still should have come around on that. I explained over the last few days of our marriage how much Victor had been in my life but he no longer cared.

  In Damien’s eyes, I had chosen Victor over him.

  And you don’t pick another man over Damien, not when you’re his girl. I screwed that up and I only have myself to blame. Even though I still want to bash his head in.

  With Victor I thought I only needed him. I thought that was what a relationship was supposed to be. Him and me. That’s why Talon coming between us was such a big deal. Victor wasn’t mine alone anymore.

  I guess it goes to show you that I wasn’t perfect but I never said I was. People want to lay blame on the other person, but I simply can’t. Was either man great and perfect? No. I deserved better than what I got with Victor because he didn’t see me as an equal. I could never deserve Damien though. I was too selfish with him and I didn�
�t want to share him, not even with my memories of Victor.

  Eight

  Present Day

  I woke up from my dreams with the slamming of a door. I jerked up in my chair and turned around. There stood Rage with his short dirty blonde hair in sexy disarray. Those serious deep blue sea eyes pierced me from across the room. Held me captive like he could tell what my dreams were about. He always seemed to know what I was thinking. He thought he had me all figured out long before I let him down.

  “You have a room you can sleep in. It’s got your fuckin’ name on the door.” His anger rolls off him in waves and I watch him clench his fists before crossing his arms over his chest.

  “My name isn’t Glossy,” I tell him, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and getting to my feet. I quickly look over at the couch and find it empty.

  Fucking great.

  Rage moves closer to me, his powerful arms still crossed and bulging against his t-shirt. “I gave you that fuckin’ name. So it’s fuckin’ yours,” he spits out.

  I roll my eyes and smooth my jeans down my legs trying to undo the wrinkles. “Just because you gave me a nickname doesn’t make it real. I was born Ashley Southerland. I’ll always be Ashley Southerland. It’s the only thing I answer to now.” I sound so sure but once upon a time, I would’ve wished that he would call me Glossy again.

  “Your fuckin’ name is Ashley Daniels. You’re married to me, so that’s your fuckin’ name.” His eyes start to narrow but I ignore him. I’m far too tired for this bullshit.

  “Whatever. I don’t care anyway. I just want to get home and go to bed.” I move around him and get to the door but a hand on my waist stops me from opening it.

  He comes up behind me, touching me with his torso. Both his hands know rest on my stomach. Goose flesh breaks out all over me because my body remembers when he used to touch it. How he made it feel. My brain and heart on the other hand want to punch him in the nuts. I pulled my hair up before I fell asleep so he doesn’t have to move anything to put his mouth right at my ear. “You ain’t goin’ anywhere, baby. You’re gonna stay right here with me so I can keep an eye on you. You must think I’m stupid or somethin’.”