Sleepless Nights

by Amanda Heath

  I laugh out loud trying to calm my wildly beating heart. “I could never think you were stupid, Rage. In fact, you’re one of the smartest men I know.” I turn in his arms and throw my arms around his neck. I stand looking into his eyes, touching him for the first time in years, of my own free will. “Unless you count the time you dumped me. That was pretty fucking stupid. But then again, I just shouldn’t have expected you to understand. You’ve never loved anyone but yourself.”

  That’s not true but I don’t give a fuck. He certainly didn’t love me if he couldn’t let me see a hurt friend. I know Victor was an ex-boyfriend but we’ve gone over this before.

  Rage clenches his jaw and looks down at me with hard eyes. “You chose him over me. I’m not just gonna let my old lady go see her ex. I had to stand my ground but just like every other time we fought, you ran right over me. I finally let you choose for yourself and you chose wrong. Just like I knew you would.” He bends down at the knees so we are eye level and he lets me have it. “Ashley, you’ve never loved anyone but yourself. It’s all about Ashley in your world. You’d run over your own mother if it got you what you wanted. In fact, I think you did just that to have me. Then you decided you could have both me and the asshole, but I wouldn’t play ball. I was tired of you being stuck between worlds. You hidin’ me from your family cuz you were ashamed. Fuckin’ sucked, baby.”

  By the time he’s done speaking I’ve let him go and he’s let me go. His words hit me directly in the heart. They tie me in knots but I refuse to cry. This one time I refuse to cry because of words. They hurt and knock you down but you get right back up again.

  I never intended to have both Victor and Rage. My intention was to see Victor and make sure for myself that he wasn’t gonna die. I may have let Victor go, but that doesn’t mean I wished him to suffer or die.

  But he was right about me running over my mother, he was right about me hiding him and he was definitely right about me living in two worlds.

  I was in this club and I still had to go to functions with my family. I still had obligations I needed to fulfill. I couldn’t just let people down because I was married to a biker. The thing he doesn’t understand is that I was protecting him. They would have talked down to him. They would have tried to make him feel ashamed or bad about himself. That’s what those people in my world do. They hurt those who they think are lesser beings. I loved him and I wasn’t going to let that shit touch him.

  “Thanks. I needed to hear that,” I finally whispered.

  Then I ran out of the room. I stopped in front of Chutney’s door and knocked lightly before entering. A few seconds after I shut the door, I hear Blade’s office door slam. I breathe a sigh of relief and turn around to face the room. Chutney has always been a red and black kind of girl. Of course she mixes whites in there too. And it’s like all those colors threw up in her room. Red walls, white carpet, black furniture. The bedspread she’s lying under is all three colors. She relaxes against the mattress with her head propped up on her hand. “You can sleep here. I don’t mind,” she tells me.

  I give her a grateful smile and cross the room to her couch. She hits me in the back with a pillow and then a black blanket falls over my head. I chuckle and make up the couch for me to sleep on.

  When I’m tucked in, she turns her bedside lamp off and we are brought into total darkness. It brings me peace. I can hide in the darkness. No one can see me. I don’t have to war with myself about which person I want to be that day.

  Until Chutney throws in her two cents.

  “Damien was lost without you, Ashley. We all thought he was gonna die or something. He wouldn’t stop drinking and he wouldn’t come out of his room.” I hear her shift around on the bed before she goes on. “He wasn’t a drunk for long though. Just a couple of months, I think it was taking a toll on him. I expected him to sleep around and crap, but he didn’t. I honestly didn’t see him with another girl. The club whores tried and everything but they never got anywhere. Then those guys started their stuff and he started to perk up. Then daddy told him they had to bring you in.” Chutney’s light comes back on and I see her sitting up in her bed wearing a black tank top. “He shaved his beard, he cut all his hair off and he went and bought new clothes.” She pauses and takes a deep breath. “Ashley, I know y’all had your differences but no matter what he says, he’s happy you’re here. He’s happy to see you again.”

  I look at her and see the truth in her eyes. But I refuse to acknowledge her words. I won’t feed her stuff about me being happy to see him or anything. She’d only get her hopes up.

  So I changed the subject. “You wanna go hunt down the mob tomorrow?” I figure I can get her help and Lola’s. We were always doing shit to get into trouble back in the day. We got good at hiding things and sneaking around. Chutney’s mom even has a bulletproof limo that Chutney has to ride around in.

  She rolls her eyes and beams at me. “Well duh. We gotta save Annabella’s brother.”

  I bring my eyebrows together and stare at her. “How do you know Annabella?”

  “I went to Meadows for my junior and senior year. I know all your brothers and stuff too. Annabella’s a little rough around the edges but I still liked her. She was friends with me at school and stuff. We never really hung out outside of school though.” I try to imagine Chutney hanging out with Annabella and it just doesn’t compute. First off, Chutney doesn’t cuss. Chutney doesn’t smoke. Chutney doesn’t drink. She wears clothes that are modest. I mean she shows skin but she won’t wear anything she can’t wear to church. Which she attends every Sunday morning and Wednesday evening. (Though she does cuss, but only if it’s in a song. She doesn’t change the words for the songs she sings, says that takes away from the artistry of it.)

  Annabella curses, Annabella smokes, Annabella drinks, and Annabella wears provocative clothing often. I can’t tell you how many times Victor made her change before she went to school.

  So I imagine you can see where I find it hard to believe they had anything in common. But Chutney loves everyone. She might not do the things that you do, but she doesn’t judge you for them. Everyone is equal in her eyes. She’s what I like to call a true Christian. She loves her religion but she doesn’t force it on you and she doesn’t use it against you either. Everything is a choice and she feels everyone is entitled to their freewill.

  I love the shit out of her.

  Victor

  Micah, the biggest asshole I have ever met in my life, slams his fist into my face over and over again. Little does he know I don’t feel any of it. I was trained not to. I don’t even make a noise and I know he hates it. He wants to end my life but he can’t.

  And when I get out of here, because there is no way Talon will let me rot in here, Micah and his brother are dead. I was pretending to be passed out when Sage, Micah’s brother, started talking about a girl named Annabella. How much this Annabella and I looked alike. So yeah I figured out he was talking about my baby sister. That fucking asshole, Sage, has been fucking my sister. I wanted to spare his life for a second when he talked about how he got her off drugs but, then again, his mob got her involved with drugs in the first place.

  “Keep hitting me, it feels good,” I spit out, along with a mouthful of blood.

  Micah just laughs at me before his fist starts hitting my stomach.

  Sage stands behind him and I stare into his dark green eyes. I show him in my eyes how long he will suffer for touching my sister. I let out all the pain I’m feeling and shove it at him. I watch as he flinches before he makes his brother stop hitting me.

  “I can’t believe you’ve been fucking this one’s sister. You’re such a pussy, Sage,” Micah mutters, standing away from me. “I want to kill this son of a bitch for letting my favorite whore go!” He screams that out and kicks my leg.

  Sage grabs him by the back of the neck and shoves him into the wall. “You don’t make the rules, Micah. I fucking do. And I won’t hesitate to fuck up your life if you kill him. Annabella is
mine and I protect what’s mine. She loves that dumb fuck, so that means he stays alive.”

  Micah moves away when Sage lets his neck go. Sage straightens out his suit jacket and tightens his tie. He looks down at me with a sneer. “You might want to stop giving me those looks. I’m starting to take offense. I’ll keep you locked down here for the rest of your miserable life. Your BFF was taken by the Wrath’s for reasons I can’t begin to understand.” He runs his hands through his hair before narrowing his eyes at me. “You want to explain that to me? Why my girl and your friend are both locked down in the Wrath clubhouse? I don’t really like to fuck with the bikers, since this town loves them so much.”

  I grit my teeth at the mention of the Wrath’s. Before I got kidnapped by these jackasses, I learned something very interesting about my ex-girlfriend, Ashley. She’s been married to the VP of the Wrath’s since about a few months after I got sent to Iraq. That fucking bitch was fucking me while she was married to a piece of scum biker. The things I can’t understand about that girl just keep getting better and better.

  “Ask the Governor. I’m sure he had something to do with Talon. And I sent my sister there before I was scared for her life. I didn’t realize she was involved with you.” I pause to spit some more blood out of my mouth. I wriggle my hands to see if I can get out of the ropes but they are tied to tight. How I wish I could leave this dark dank place. “You could probably get her back if you just give her me. I’m sure she could forgive you.”

  Sage gives me a hate-filled look and I grin. “Your sister is mine. You no longer have any say in her affairs. You can’t honestly think I’d ever put her back into your protection? You’re the biggest laughing stock of this town. Annabella deserves better for a brother.”

  I don’t react but I know he’s right. But it’s nothing less than I deserve for all the things I have done in my life. All the bad shit I’ve let happen or been involved in. I suddenly lose all fight and slump forward. I might as well just lay down and die down here.

  It’s the best punishment.

  “Talon was told by the Governor not to fuck with the mob anymore. He said there would be consequences if he did,” I say, closing my eyes as I lean against the wall. There’s no harm in telling Sage this. Talon is perfectly safe in the Wrath clubhouse.”

  “So you’re saying that Talon is in the Wrath’s catacombs because the Governor wants him down there?” Sage states full of disbelief.

  I nod slowly still keeping my eyes closed. I hear him pacing now and I wish I could stand up and pace. I seriously want to stretch my legs, they are so cramped up. “I’m sure they are beating the crap out of him. He’s not sitting on his ass getting club pussy and drinking himself to death if that’s what you were thinking. They’ll probably take Ashley down there because Talon will hate for her to see him like that. He’ll feed her some bullshit about me and she’ll overreact.”

  “Does it not piss you off that she’s been married to Rage for so long?” His question seems genuine so I decide to answer.

  “It did when I first found out. But it doesn’t now. Ashley and I were never going to end up together. And I realize now why. We’ve both been in love with someone else and had to settle for each other. It’s none of my business anyway. Ashley would kick both our asses if she knew we were talking about her.”

  Sage clears his throat. “She was in love with you even when I was friends with her. She couldn’t even see anyone else. I wasn’t really attracted to her and I didn’t like brainy girls. That’s what made her such a good friend.”

  I forgot Ashley was friends with Sage a long time ago. I think that was right after my parents passed and I couldn’t see anyone or anything. I was just going through life because I had to, not because I wanted to.

  “Can you just kill me already? This heart to heart is starting to make me feel like a woman,” I mutter, using my shoulder to scratch my cheek. I haven’t gone this long without shaving my face since I got out of the army.

  “I’m not going to kill you Victor. We’re letting you go tomorrow.” I open my eyes to look up at him but he’s already gone.

  Ashley

  The next morning I’m awoken by a lick to the face. At first I’m disgusted but then I realize I know that smelly dog breath. I open my eyes and squeal out, “Chuck!” I then wrap my arms around his neck and snuggle him into me. His soft fur tickles my nose where I have it pressed into his neck. “My sweet baby boy,” I coo, holding on to him way too tight but I just can’t let him go.

  “Alright, Glossy. You’re gonna choke the life out of him,” comes Rage’s deep voice.

  I lift my head slowly and glare at him. “Why do you have my dog?” I say calmly even though I’m not.

  Rage shrugs and moves to sit down on Chutney’s bed. I notice it’s light outside and there’s no Chutney in her bed. “I was there yesterday when Storm and Lola picked you up. I go there a lot actually. That vet place you own.”

  “Why do you go there a lot?” I start to feel tingly because this is either going to be creepy or sweet.

  He clears his throat and looks away from my assessing eyes. “I go to see Chuck. Your mom’s house is in a gated community, can’t exactly get in there. So I stop by and see him through the fence out back of your work.”

  “How did you know I worked there?” I asked with one eyebrow raised. I know how he knows; I just want him to admit it.

  He sighs this time and runs a hand down his face. “You know why I was there. You ain’t stupid, Glossy. I just couldn’t go on with my life without seein’ you. I had to know you were doin’ okay.”

  I rub my hand down Chuck’s neck and back, trying to find something inside of me that is mad about his words and actions. But there’s nothing. “I’m glad you went to see Chuck. He needs a good man in his life.” I look down into my dog’s mismatched eyes and smile. “Didn’t he? Hmmm? Momma’s Chucky Wucky.” I kiss his doggy face and Chuck snorts like my baby talk annoys him.

  “Yeah, that was wrong on so many levels,” Rage mutters but he doesn’t get up to leave. Instead he gets up and moves to sit on the couch beside me. “I went to see you too. I would sit in my truck and watch you through the big window out front. Damn near broke my fuckin heart every time I saw you smile.”

  I stand up quickly and move away from him. “I need to get home. My mom is going to get worried about me. It’s not like me to just not show up at home.”

  “We both know your uncle called her. She may not know all the details but she knows you’re fine,” he tells me as he stands up also. “You ain’t goin’ home, Glossy.”

  Okay, well, I guess I’m gonna have to start throwing a hissy fit. Seems the only way to get out of this. “You have no right to keep me here! We aren’t even together! I haven’t heard from you in five fucking years, Damien! You have no right to tell me what to do!”

  I should have thought that through more. Rage moves quickly and gets in my face. “I went back for you. But you were with that asshole by then! Didn’t take you long to get under him did it? Every time I turn around you’re breakin’ my fuckin’ heart. Cold hearted bitch, that’s what you are!”

  “I didn’t kiss Victor for five month after you. I didn’t let him into my bed for a whole year, Damien. So it was way past time you could get me back. I don’t want to hear your excuses. I’m so fucking sick of your excuses. Take some responsibility for your actions instead of laying it all at my feet.” I’m spitting mad and about ready to kick him in the balls. And while he’s down I’m going to kick him in the head a few times as well. Not hard enough to leave marks but hard enough it will fucking hurt.

  “Bullshit Ashley! You were with him three days later! I saw you at his house!” That infamous temper of his is starting to show. His face is slowly turning red, and he’s already run his hand through his hair eight times.

  “You saw me picking up some of his clothes. He stayed at my mom’s for a month after he got shot. I stayed in my room and he stayed in his. It took me a long time
to get over you, Damien. Far longer than I wanted.” I’m so angry at myself about the time he wasted, I want to shoot him now. Right through his big fucking toe.

  His chest is moving up and down in a pace I can’t match. No matter how upset I am. “What?” he asks on a whisper, seeing the truth in my eyes. He’s the one who misunderstood and refused to talk to me. “You waited a whole year? You waited that long for me?” He sits on the couch and hangs his head. “And I wouldn’t answer the phone or let you see me.”

  I clear my throat and sit down beside him. “I tried to force my way in here once. Bastard and Ragtop wouldn’t let me through. I tried one more time before I took Victor back. I’m sorry.”

  He turns his head to the side and his sad eyes meet mine. “I wasted all this time for nothin’? I fucked up our lives because I couldn’t pull my head out of my ass?”

  I nod because it’s true. I tried to get him back long before I took Victor back. I wanted Damien way more than I ever wanted Victor. I always knew Damien owned my heart but if I couldn’t have him, there was no reason to be unhappy either. I knew I could build something with Victor again. Only that fell apart twice since then.

  Rage gets up then and goes to the door. He turns to face me when he opens it. “You’re always my girl. I’ve always loved you. I could never stop no matter how much I drank. No matter how far I drove, your laugh followed me. The feel of you on the back of my bike, it’s with me every time I ride. I’d wake up in the middle of the night and reach for you. I’d dream about you comin’ on my dick. But I still wanna run away from you. You and me, we destroyed everythin’. Ain’t no comin’ back from that.” Then he was gone.

  Tears slip down my face but I make no sound. I cry for Damien, for our love that crashed and burned. Love like ours wasn’t to be forgotten or pushed to the side. It left an everlasting rip in our souls. We’d never be whole again.