Pain

by Amanda Mackey

  Rising to my feet, I turned the faucets in the shower cubicle on full pelt, ready for them to pummel me into clarity.

  Chapter Ten

  Justice

  I could have sworn Li’l Miss Hellfire had tiptoed over to the dark side for just a moment. I knew the look. It stared back at me every time I gazed into a mirror. She had the same tendencies I did, just on a smaller scale. Perhaps we weren’t so different. I’d known something was unhinged about her the moment we’d butted heads out on the porch. Maybe she just hadn’t come to accept that part of herself yet. Everyone had a dark side. Some just chose to feign ignorance to its existence. Others, like me, welcomed it. We couldn’t exist without it. It helped us cope when we’d crumble under the weight of our sins and those that had sinned against us.

  Just what had the gutsy female who’d chewed on my thumb lived through that would cause such a coping mechanism to awaken from dormancy? I would make it my utmost priority to find out.

  The way she’d ogled my naked body hadn’t passed me by. I looked fairly decent. The hours I’d spent in the prison gym had paid off. And I hadn’t done it because of vanity. I’d done it to build my strength so I’d been able to protect myself from some of the hardened criminals who used to brag about murder and molestation. Sicker fucks than me.

  After toweling off and relieving the pressure in my cock for the second time in an hour, I put my only set of clothes back on before taking out my leather-bound journal and sprawling on my bed. My fingers traced over the gold embossed lettering on the front that spelled out the word ‘diary.’ It was more than that to me. It was a way to let my demons out through words. To not have to sugarcoat the things I needed to purge. The sluicing of my soul. It had been my savior while in prison. I’d spent hours upon hours filling in the blank pages, letting memories spill out from as far back as I could remember. We’d all been given one. I guess someone in the prison hierarchy had cared enough to offer something that might make our bleak days a little lighter.

  Turning the pages with the full intent to add a new entry, my eyes caught the last one I’d scrawled. A month before I had been released.

  Something abhorrent happened today. Worse than just about anything I’ve endured thus far in my pathetic existence. Writing about it and seeing the words come to life on paper guts me. I want to kill them all. Every last one. Not a quick death. A painfully, brutal sadistic one where they begged for my forgiveness. Exoneration that would never come.

  There were five of them. That’s how many it took to hold me down. I was strong but being outnumbered by that many was never going to end well. The moment they’d cornered me behind a remote cell block where I’d gone to escape, I knew what would ensue. I’d just needed get away from it all and be alone for a bit, which is extremely hard to do here, but I always look for ways to escape the crowds. That very moment, I realized I’d made a mistake in my quest for solitude. It would have been better to stay just one of the mob of sweaty men enjoying the hour of daylight allowed each day.

  Sodomized. I hated that word but it was better than anally fucked. Even though they were one and the same. It had happened, not just once but three times. Violated in the worst possible way. The humiliation as the group had cheered was worse than the searing burn with each thrust. Oh yes. Much worse. For in order to block out the fact that I was on my knees, pants pulled off and thrown aside, listening to the grunts of the parasite that was fucking me up even more, I clung to that pain. Focused on it with everything I had. Something tangible and real that could swallow up the wretched degradation as I screamed obscenities.

  What really had done my head in though was the fact that the whole time they’d been degrading me, my cock had been the hardest it had ever been. There was shame in that. Miserable fucking shame.

  When they’d finished, I’d collapsed to the ground, oozing a mixture of my blood and their putrid cum, my hands white-knuckled fists pounding the grass along with my forehead. I swore I would never seek solace again as long as I was confined in a place that turned a blind eye to the most hideous of things reserved for most people’s worst nightmares.

  That day, that blip in time had given me the final push over to the dark side with no hope of ever returning.

  Reading this again brought it all back. Fresh and just as fucked up. I needed some pain badly. Pain I could focus on until the memories sunk back into my subconscious.

  Glancing at my left inside forearm at the self-inflicted tattoos of a different nature, I ran my finger over the long, raised bumps, thankful that princess hadn’t noticed yet. She’d been too invested in the rest of my body to even chance a peek. I hadn’t expected her to be in the hall when I’d walked out of the bathroom to search for a towel, but I guess it was her house so she could be anywhere at any time.

  The slashes running vertically had faded while I’d been in prison. Absent of a knife, they’d had no option but to heal. It was a part of my body that I’d used to feed the pain when I’d been desperate to escape my own head. I wasn’t proud of what I’d done and the way it looked, but it was my body, and I could do whatever the hell I wanted to it. With a sudden strong pang to feel the sting of a blade pierce through the skin, I slammed my journal shut, not in the mood to add anything to the saga that was my life story, and strode toward the kitchen, hoping no one would be there.

  Hearing the shower running in the bathroom as I passed, I relaxed a little, confident that Li’l Miss Sass was occupied. That just left Tom, Daniel, and Nate.

  I listened as I crept down the hall, scanning the living room, thankful it was empty, and then entering the kitchen. Unoccupied. Good. The last thing I’d need would be getting caught wielding a knife.

  Opening the cutlery drawer I found my weapon of choice. Serrated. If I’d learned anything about cutting for pain, it was to go for jagged-edged knives. They hurt like a bastard by chewing through the flesh. Messy but effective. Straight edge still stung but not as bad. I needed something consuming to focus on because if I didn’t get that last diary entry out of my mind, I was going to go rage on someone and that would certainly get me sent back to the very place I was attempting to forget. It was only one of many corrupt pieces of a very complicated puzzle that made up my psyche, but at present, it was at the forefront of my mind.

  The short black handle felt like home in my hand, and just the feel of the hardened plastic settled the fiend inside. Just like a cigarette could calm my nerves, so too could the infliction of agony and self-mutilation quell the wrath brought about by remembering things.

  I didn’t do it to try and kill myself even though I had thought of coming to an end that way before with a nice straight-edged cut, directly down the length of the vein in my wrist, deep and accurate. I was too much of a coward to follow through with it, though. Instead, I marred my already imperfect skin, shallow and safe. It didn’t appear I could do anything, even off myself. I was destined to be a waste of space. Drifting. A burden to others.

  Closing my bedroom door, wishing it had a lock on it, I took off my jacket and rolled up the sleeve of my shirt, feeling like a coke addict about to go on a bender.

  Chapter Eleven

  Lil

  The cold water hit me like hail pellets and took my breath away, but I was determined to stand under the cutting spray for as long as I could. Now that my mind had partially cleared, there was no way I was going to succumb to my hormonal rush by masturbating in the shower while thinking about Justice Armstrong. As it was, I hated myself for letting my guard down in the hallway. That was not going to happen again. He drove me crazy and made me feel things I shouldn’t.

  When I felt like my limbs had turned numb, I climbed out and dried off, dressing in the clothes I’d tossed aside, including my favorite fluffy socks that would hide beneath my boots.

  It was four p.m., and the air had an icy edge to it, so I was going to get the guys to build a bonfire so we could enjoy our BBQ outside.

  “Hello? Anybody home?” It was Daniel.

&n
bsp; “Hey! Be right there,” I called from down the hallway, throwing my dirty clothes in the laundry basket on my way past.

  When I reached the kitchen, Daniel was putting beers in the fridge and had left a pack of steaks on the counter.

  “Hey, you!” I chirped, nabbing a cookie then placing the plate on the table.

  “Hey yourself,” Daniel offered, closing the refrigerator door with two of the beers in his hand and then coming over to me. He put his arm over my shoulder and kissed the top of my head. “I forgot to congratulate you before on becoming a grandparent.”

  “Ha. That makes me feel so old, but thank you. I guess that makes you an uncle or something, so congrats to you too.” I placed one arm around his waist and snuggled into his side.

  “Thank you! So far, so good. All three are doing great.”

  I think Mia will make a great mom as long as she’s able to provide enough milk. We haven’t heard from Nate to say otherwise, so I guess that’s not a problem.”

  “You ready to start celebrating?” he asked, handing me a beer as he removed his arm from my shoulders.

  “Hell yeah. I’m so ready to chill out and sink back a few of these. It’s been a crazy day.”

  “I’m guessing in more ways than one?” He had both eyebrows raised in question.

  I popped the top off my beer and took a swig before answering, enjoying the bubbly lager’s ability to help me settle. “Yeah, you could say that.”

  There was no way I would tell Daniel about my tryst with Justice. That was my dirty little secret, and it would stay that way.

  “He seemed all right. A little shy and wary, but I guess that’s normal when you first get out of prison. It must be hard fitting back into society.” Daniel sat at the table, and I followed so that we were opposite each other.

  “I know. I keep telling myself that, trying to cut the guy some slack. He has an uncanny ability though to push all my buttons without even trying.”

  Daniel laughed. “Maybe the guy will be good for you. Teach you some patience.”

  “Oh really, Mr. I’ve-never-had-a-spaz-attack O’Keefe?”

  This only made Daniel laugh harder, bringing about his signature snort that started when he really got going. It always had me in fits just to hear it, so before long, we were both cracking up so hard we had tears dripping down our cheeks.

  Dad must have heard all the ruckus because he opened the sliding door and came in. “You mean you two have started the party without me?”

  Wiping my eyes, I said between giggles, “I was just laughing at Daniel snorting which made him do it even harder.”

  “Well, before I join in the fun, I’m going to jump in the shower. Nate should be down here any second. When he gets here, you three can gather some wood for the fire if you’d like.” Looking through to the living room, realizing one person was missing, Dad asked, “Where’s Justice?”

  “Uhh, he went to his room earlier. Haven’t seen him since. Maybe he’s resting.” I tried my hardest not to remember the sensation of his thumb in my mouth or the sound of his wounded moan as I’d bit down hard. The striking tattoo that held some more of his secrets that I’d maybe never uncover. Or the perfectly carved, strapping physique that had warranted my cold shower. No, I attempted to not think about any of those things.

  “Must be hard on the kid. Best if we leave him be. I’m sure he’ll come out when he smells the food cooking.”

  I was certain that was a fact. He’d skipped lunch and had only eaten four cookies all day. My guess is he would be downing the food at dinner like a starved beast.

  Dad started to move out of the kitchen but turned before he made it to the hall. “Let’s all try to make him feel as welcome as we can tonight.”

  He didn’t move as if waiting for a reply. I looked at Daniel, who nodded at me before saying, “You’ve got no argument from me. It’ll be good to have another guy around the place.”

  Squeezing my thighs together and chugging the rest of my beer, I purposefully held out to see if Dad was waiting on my response too. I should have known.

  “Lil?”

  “Fine. I’ll play nice tonight.” I gave him a cheesy smile that I’m sure he read through, but I didn’t care. I’d stick close to Daniel and Nate tonight so I didn’t have to focus on Justice.

  I must have appeased my father because he disappeared, leaving Daniel and me alone. He was grinning shrewdly at me.

  “What?” I was genuinely perplexed.

  “You know what.”

  “No. I don’t.”

  He tilted his jaw slightly, studying me with his sapphire eyes. “I think you love a good challenge.”

  “You know I do, but I’m not sure what you’re getting at.”

  Sucking the last dregs from his beer, he rose and grabbed another two, sitting back down and pushing one across to me.

  “The new kid, Justice.”

  I shook my head. “Daniel, you can be so obtuse sometimes. Spill it already.” With the mention of the J word, I wasn’t liking the direction he was heading.

  “He’s stirred something in you. When your dad mentioned his name, your eyes blazed like wildfire.”

  There was no way I was going to admit to anything incriminating, or I’d never hear the end of it.

  “He stirs the wild side of me and not in a good way.” Wasn’t that true?

  “I think you like it.”

  “Pfft. Please. Why would I like someone who brings out the worst in me? And can we please stop talking about this? I’m ready to go haul some wood into the back of my truck for the fire. You coming?”

  I stood up and walked over to the counter to snatch my keys from the hook before shoving my boots on. Daniel scraped his chair as he stood, picking up a cookie and taking a huge bite, following me outside. He didn’t add to our conversation. I think he could tell that it was pissing me off, and I didn’t want to discuss it any further.

  Before I had a chance to push the key into the ignition, a cloud of dust appeared through the trees, and then Nate’s black Ford pickup appeared around the bend.

  Knowing we’d need the third pair of hands, I waited for him to pull up beside us and wind his window down. Doing the same, I stuck my head out.

  “How’s everything up at the rescue center?”

  Nate’s dimples were pressed in as he grinned. “All’s quiet. The two cubs fed again until their little bellies were bloated, and now they’re sleeping it off.”

  “So no drama?”

  “All good. I had to help latch the male on both times, which surprised me, considering…well…he is a male and all that.”

  I chuckled then gave him my best eye roll. “Trust your thoughts to head in that direction.” He was so handsome when he gave me his full smile. His face changed into something softer. Less mutinous.

  “I just tell it like I see it, Lil. Where are you guys off to, anyway?”

  “Dad wants us to bundle some wood and kindling for the fire we’re having tonight. You want to help?”

  “Sure. Just give me a sec.”

  With that, he was winding his window shut and securing his truck before jumping into mine, beside Daniel.

  “So where’s the newbie?” Nate asked, buckling his seatbelt in place. He’d been with me when I’d taken the corners a little too sharply or done burnouts in any reasonable clearing I’d seen fit, so he always strapped himself in now. Smart boy.

  I could feel Daniel turn to look at me, probably gauging some sort of reaction at the mention of Justice, but I wasn’t going to give him anything.

  “Probably sleeping off his attitude.”

  “What’s his story anyway?”

  “Don’t know all of it. He’s fresh out of prison. Been in and out of foster homes most of his life. We’re his last resort. I guess to try and do something good with his life.”

  “You think he’ll change?” If anyone knew about change, it was Nate. He’d been much like Justice when he’d first started with us. Lived on the streets. Get
ting into trouble with the law. But since he’d starting bonding with the animals and helping take care of them, having things to focus on besides himself, he’d transformed.

  “It’s hard to tell yet. He hasn’t really done anything today. Just had a look around. But if you’re any indication, I’d say there’s a pretty good chance I can break him and then make him.”

  Nate and Daniel both roared.

  “Damn! The poor guy doesn’t know what he’s in for now, does he?” Nate sniggered.

  “Hey! I wasn’t that tough on you, was I?”

  “Honey, you have no idea. You busted my balls for weeks, remember? Barking orders at me left, right, and center, acting all ‘drill sergeant’ on me. I used to pray each day I came in that it would be your dad I was working with and not you.”

  “Okay, that is not true!” I argued. “I was nothing but nice to you.”

  “Ah ha. Tell yourself that all you want, but I know the truth.” He was goading me as he always did, so I sighed out my frustration and put the radio on, ending the dialogue.

  Driving for a couple of minutes more, I pulled up next to a thicket of trees, knowing there were dried, fallen branches and plenty of pine needles that would burn quickly to get the fire going. I didn’t wait for my two stooges to hop out. Instead I wandered into the brush and started hauling logs and debris toward the truck.

  I could hear the two boys laughing and talking quietly, so I did my best to ignore them, focusing on the task at hand.

  After about half an hour of strenuous work, sweat dripping, we decided we had enough to keep a fire burning for days, so we made our way back toward the house, stopping about fifty feet away, giving enough space to build the fire and it not be a threat yet still close enough where we could grab drinks and food as we needed it.