Pain

by Amanda Mackey

  Dad met us out back, and even though he was freshly showered, he still helped us to construct the bonfire. We would light it soon and get the BBQ heated and cooking.

  Daniel had thrown some large logs amongst our foraging efforts for seating for which I was grateful as I didn’t feel like lugging chairs from the house.

  I must say, when we were finished setting up, it looked like the best darn bonfire ever.

  ***

  With beers flowing, flames licking the sky, and music pumping out of my portable sound system, I was relaxed and buzzing. The meat was cooked, and as Dad had figured earlier, Justice decided to put in an appearance. Everything had been left on the kitchen table so that people could help themselves. I’d just stepped in to pile some more salad onto my plate when he turned the corner from the hall.

  I paused only momentarily. Enough to gather my wits and order my libido to behave. He may be hot, but he was bad. Very bad.

  “If it isn’t Li’l princess.” Strutting toward the table, he lifted a plate and started piling food onto it, going easy on the salad but not the steak, opting for two large T-bones.

  “Why do you persist in calling me that when you know I hate it?” I bit out through my teeth, using tongs to pick up the salad from the bowl.

  “Would you prefer just ‘princess?’”

  “Ugh! You’re so infuriating! How about I call you ‘asshole?’” Shit. And there I went, firing up again just like he wanted me to. The slow pull of his lips was confirmation enough that he liked getting me all snarky. His black pearl eyes shone luminously.

  “You can call me anything you want, sweetheart. It’ll be nothing I haven’t been called before.” It was said with such arrogance.

  “‘Asshole’ it is, then.” Too late to back down now. I glared at him challengingly until his lazy grin transformed into the hottest smile I think I’d ever seen. Scorching. Proportionate to the rest of his face yet the centerpiece on this rare occasion when it decided to show itself. As if I wasn’t stunned into a coma by the sheer decadence of it, he had to go and throw his head back and let loose a thunderous baritone laugh that derailed my anger like a speeding train without a driver. I wasn’t sure what I had said that was so funny apart from calling him an asshole, but apparently he was enjoying his new moniker. I didn’t give a shit. I just wanted to keep hearing the new sound rolling from his vocal chords that was caressing my nipples and stripping away a layer of me.

  I watched the way his carotid artery throbbed when his neck was taut and fully extended back and how small lines were etched into the soft skin either side of his eyes when his head came forward, directly in line with mine so that we were eye to eye. Enough distance was between us, and yet it felt like none at all. The tragic, fucked up mess before me was nothing short of magnificent.

  When his laughter died away, we were silent, me drinking in the stark change in his demeanor. He was allowing me to see something foreign in his eyes. Vulnerability. I didn’t think it possible but there it was. Fleeting but very real.

  Daniel decided to burst inside at that very moment when I’d wanted nothing more than to reach out to the “asshole” and touch that miniscule openness I’d witnessed.

  “Ahh, you both okay?”

  Justice and I broke our hold over each other. “Yeah. Fine. Just filling our plates,” I answered for both of us, letting my eyes move to Daniel, who was standing just shy of the door, looking completely uncomfortable. I couldn’t help but notice the questions in his eyes but chose to ignore them, strutting back outside to escape the heat Justice had generated.

  Chapter Twelve

  Justice

  Nursing a throbbing forearm after marking it with the knife, I couldn’t ignore the hunger any longer. I’d managed to find some bandages in the bathroom cabinet, so I’d dressed the wound before pulling my jacket on and heading out for food.

  What I didn’t expect to find when I arrived in the kitchen was princess, alone.

  I think she must have thought the same thing as me the way she halted mid-step and just froze.

  God, she was a sexy woman. At first, we’d harassed each other like we had for most of the day, bantering back and forth, her calling me “asshole” and me laughing at her attempt to stick it to me good. She could cuss all she wanted, but all it did was stir my heat. Lick my desire. She didn’t know that about me yet. Maybe if she did, she’d back off on the name calling and insolence.

  Something changed in her when I lifted my head. Gone was the “I want to kill you” expression she usually wore, replaced by smoothed out features, wide eyes that were glimmering like jewels, and a bottom lip that had been pulled in by her teeth.

  Transfixed, I tried to fathom what brought about the change when a moment ago there were guns blazing. My muscles seemed to seize up as I stood, rooted to the spot, plate still in hand. I didn’t have a fucking clue what I should do or say next, because that look she was giving me almost ripped me open, stripping my defenses wide, leaving me exposed.

  Thank Christ Daniel appeared because it immediately brought me back to my senses, allowing me to close myself off again.

  “You guys okay?”

  “Yeah. Fine. Just filling our plates,” came Lil’s reply before she fled, leaving me with Mr. Wholesome.

  “Justice, right?” He was on the move again toward the fridge.

  “Yep. That’s me.” I was expecting him to warn me off from Lil, but instead, he surprised me.

  “Beer?”

  “Now you’re speaking my language.” Using my other hand, I took it, and we both walked out to the others.

  When we neared, all eyes turned to me. I hated being the center of attention and sure as shit had never tried to be, but it seemed as if everyone was surprised to see me act somewhat social.

  “Take your pick of logs,” Daniel said, his arm sweeping around the perimeter of the fire. I looked at the one next to “Her Sexiness,” seeing as though she was the only one I’d really had anything to do with, but then I decided that would be a stupid idea. Just asking for trouble in all kinds of ways.

  I spotted a seat beside Tom, figuring he was probably my safest bet, and dragged my carcass over there, planting myself and opening my beer, hoping all the eyes that had followed me would fuck right off.

  “Good to see you, son. Did you get some rest earlier?”

  Son? Why did he keep referring to me as son? I wasn’t his, nor had I been anyone’s. Son was a term reserved for those that played a part in a family. A role. Most were loved and nurtured. Not treated worse than most animals. I had to set the man straight.

  “I’m not your son.”

  He turned slightly, showing me his middle-aged face. It didn’t even remotely resemble the evil monster that had set me on the road to self-destruction. The face I was looking at held warmth and friendliness even after me shooting words at him that might have offended some.

  “Not by birth. But you are living under my roof, for a while, anyway. You’re going to be helping me out here. You prove your worth, and you’ll earn that title soon enough. I consider Nate and Daniel my boys too. Part of the family. You don’t have to be born with my last name to be considered kin.”

  He patted me on the shoulder and rose to throw some more wood on the fire, leaving me floundering helplessly at his speech, barely able to swallow the liquid gold lager.

  The flames clawed higher, and sparks of orange exploded outward as the log was thrown in the center of the pyre.

  How could I ever earn that title? I’d never, ever be able to live up to Tom’s expectations of what a son was supposed to be. He was kidding himself.

  Needing a deterrent, I chowed down on my mound of food. It was so damn good I barely stopped for air. It beat the slop I was used to. Real food. That’s what it was. I couldn’t believe I’d been missing out on it.

  Glancing across to where Nate, Daniel, and Lil were chatting and laughing, I truly felt like the outcast I was. The loner who, even as a kid, had failed to make rea
l and lasting friends because I’d had so much time off school, due to being beaten and held captive. Nick, my prison cellmate, had been the closest thing I’d ever had to a friend. When you spend every waking moment, bar one hour a day, with someone, you end up forming some sort of bond. Or maybe it was more a case of putting up with each other because we didn’t have a choice. Either way, he was one of the only people that I hadn’t wanted to kill, so I guess that made him a buddy.

  I hadn’t been aware Tom had sat down beside me until he spoke. My eyes stayed focused on Lil, mostly.

  “Why don’t you go on over?”

  “Nah, they seem happy enough without me there.”

  “That may be so, but I’m sure they’d like it if you joined in.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Suit yourself.”

  I could feel him still studying me. “I’ll see about getting you some more clothes. I’ve got some you can wear, and I’m sure Nate can round some up. He looks about your size.”

  I hadn’t thought too much about where I’d get other clothes from. It’s not like I could go shopping with only fifty dollars and besides, I was locked in, unable to leave until I was told I could.

  “Thanks.” Guess that would have to do for now.

  “You’re welcome. Can I get you another beer?”

  I knew Tom was trying to make me feel comfortable, and in some ways, it was working. Whether it was from the sounds of wood sparking or the beer I wasn’t sure, but being out in the open, not boxed in like I’d always been in the city had me breathing easier.

  “Yeah. Another would be good.”

  He nodded and walked off. I finished ripping into my steak, leaving just the bone and a chunk of fat on my plate. Everything else was gone. I was fuller than I’d been in years. Maybe my entire life. As much as I wanted to hate this place, maybe I’d suffer it out long enough to get my shit together and figure out what the fuck direction I was heading. Breathe some more. I had a roof over my head, and if tonight’s dinner was anything to go by, I had fine food thrown in as well.

  “Oy, city boy!” called Lil from across the fire, startling me.

  The flames had died down enough that I didn’t have to look through them. I had full view.

  “You talking to me, princess?” Right back at you.

  She looked all around as if searching for more people. “There’s no one else here from LA.”

  Desperately craving a cigarette, I pulled one out of the packet I kept in my jacket pocket, noticing there were only three left. I’d have to get some more somehow. That was one thing I couldn’t or wouldn’t do without.

  “Why don’t you stop being a snob and come sit with us?”

  “Maybe I like sitting alone.” I didn’t think it was wise to move any closer, even feeling like a loner. Lil had the uncanny ability to either fuck me off so much I wanted to nail her to the first solid object I could find and drill into her so hard she’d be unable to walk straight for a week, or she stripped me bare. Like the moment in the kitchen. She knocked down my barriers just with those incredible eyes. I didn’t like the latter, and I’m guessing her two male counterparts wouldn’t be too happy with the first option, so I had no choice but to stay put.

  “Oh, come on! We don’t bite. Well, the guys don’t.” Even from twelve feet away, I could see the challenge drawn onto her face. One side of her perfect mouth was lifted in jest. Eyes crinkled at the corners.

  “Is that so, princess? I haven’t been here a day, and already you’re wanting to sink your teeth in.” God. I should have just kept my trap shut, not played along. I didn’t need this banter to start back up again. I had been enjoying my quiet time eating and drinking my beer until Tom had gone inside. Speaking of Tom, where the hell was he? It didn’t take that long to grab two beers. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear he’d thrown me to the wolves on purpose. In particular, one wolf. Focusing on my still smarting arm, I tore my gaze down and held it there, hoping she wouldn’t keep going. Wishful thinking.

  “You know it.”

  Before she could add anything, Nate spoke up, howling with laughter. “Princess? That’s your new nickname?” I lifted my eyes to see him eying Lil then he turned to me, still sniggering. “Dude, this pocket-rocket is far from a princess. I don’t know where or how you came up with that title, but it couldn’t be further from the truth.”

  I watched fixedly as Lil elbowed Nate in the ribs, causing him to flinch inwards. “Hey! I might not like the name, but that was a bit rude. I could be a princess if I tried.”

  Okay, this was getting good. I had to find out how this would play out.

  “Please. You couldn’t be anything resembling royalty. You’re too stubborn, burp like a guy, and if I’m not wrong, make noises from the other end too.”

  Daniel was laughing now too. “Uh huh. It’s true, Lil. I was with you more than once when you tried to blame it on Zeus or Sheba.”

  That brought a rumble from my throat. I could just imagine the little spitfire giving any man a run for his money that way.

  Now she was outnumbered. Three against one. And I’m sure it was the first time ever that I wasn’t at the center of the attention, getting ribbed in a group environment. Huh. It felt…good.

  “It was Zeus once. I swear!”

  This brought on more hoots, loud and raucous. So much so that it took Tom doing a loud whistle for us to realize he had come back outside. This time he wasn’t alone. Standing beside him was a lanky blonde wearing skin tight jeans and an oversized sweater.

  “Look who I found when I was inside.” Tom was smiling and had his arm around the girl’s shoulder.

  “Macy!” Lil was up off the log, practically running across to the girl, pulling her into a bear hug. “You made it! Now I’m not outnumbered. It’ll be nice to have some female company. These guys are giving me stick. You need to help me out.”

  Macy strolled over with Lil to the boys, laying a wet one on Daniel’s mouth. “Hi, honey.” Definitely girlfriend. She kissed Nate on the cheek and sat between Daniel and Lil, glancing over my way as if realizing there was someone else present.

  Tom perched next to me again before doing introductions. “Macy, this is our newest recruit, Justice. Justice, this is Lil’s best friend, Macy, who also happens to be Dan’s girlfriend.”

  “Hi. Nice to meet you,” the blonde offered.

  I raised my beer to her. “Hey. Good to meet you too.”

  “How long have you been working with Tom?”

  “Ah, since this morning.”

  “Oh, you are new. How are you liking it so far?”

  “Can’t say I’ve done too much today, but it was interesting.” Not in the way she probably thought I meant.

  I looked to Lil to see her lasers focused on me, but as soon as I held her stare, she looked away.

  “Well, once you get used to everything, you’ll love it. These people here—” her arm swept over everyone, “—are some of the nicest you will meet. Do the right thing by them, and you’ll have friends for life.”

  “That’s if the lions don’t eat me first.”

  Lil coughed, attempting to detract away from me nearly being eaten alive.

  It seemed to work, as Macy patted her on the back, and the four of them invested in their own dialogue once again, not before I was speared with a look of contempt.

  ***

  A few beers later, I was starting to buzz and relax into the atmosphere. Tom had made small talk with me, but for the most part, I sat peering into the flames, searching for absolution. I wasn’t sure how long I pondered my crappy life, but it must have been a while because a voice I wasn’t expecting piped up next to me.

  “You want to talk about it?” Nate. He’d barely said two words to me since I’d arrived, and here he was, asking me a question that no one else had ever dared ask. It took me by surprise and had me trying to form an answer in my head.

  “What?”

  “You look like you’ve got the weight of the w
orld on your shoulders.”

  “Just trying to make sense of it all.”

  “How long were you inside?” Ahh, a guy that spoke my language.

  “Eighteen months.”

  “Yeah? That’s gotta suck. What were you in for?”

  I began peeling the label off the front of the beer bottle to keep my hands steady. I hated talking about shit that I wasn’t proud of.

  “Theft. Selling drugs. Break and enter.”

  “You ever do drugs?”

  “Nah. Clean there. Just smoke like a chimney. Enjoy a drink or two.” I held my beer up in a salute.

  “What are your plans now that you’re out?”

  Who was this guy? A fucking shrink?

  “Don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead.” Truth was, I had plans of hoisting some valuable goods from this place, selling it when I left, and using it to disappear. So far, I hadn’t had the opportunity to search the place. From a glance, it didn’t look like there was much of anything, which disappointed me. I’d just have to dig deeper.

  “If it wasn’t for Tom and The Sanctuary, I’d be in prison right now. He saved me.”

  I turned and studied the guy. He had an evident rough edge to him. Certainly not someone who had lived a privileged life. His eyes carried that haunted look that resided within those of us that had been broken.

  “What’s your story?”

  “I’ve been where you are right now, man. The world hates you. You hate the world. The anger inside never eases. You feed on it. Use it to survive. Crave it.”

  His words fisted me in the gut. All my nerve endings were sizzling at his accurate assumption. It put me on edge. Too close to home. How could he read me so well? Was it a case of those less fortunate than others were all wired the same? He didn’t have a clue what I’d lived through, so I doubted very much he knew the full extent of my sickness. He was treading on ground he shouldn’t be. Conjecturing when he had no right to. My fingers were twitching, my legs beginning their jittery dance that signaled the onset of a rage that was its own violent entity. A tangible, living creature inside of me.