Pain

by Amanda Mackey

  If Nate didn’t shut his trap, I was going to have to go inside, rip my bandage off, and re-open the fresh wound that was still throbbing in order to quell the beast.

  Focus on the pain. Focus on the pain.

  “Stop! You don’t get to read me or make out like you know what it’s like. Nobody does.” I tried to keep my voice a quiet growl so as not to attract attention. I glared at Nate, using my eyes to get him to back the fuck down. Holding my gaze for a minute, he turned to face the fire.

  “I killed my father.”

  What the fuck? That got my attention away from myself. I almost dropped the beer I had been strangling. My eyes rounded in shock as I stared at the dude. That was some serious shit, and while I’d thought about killing my own so-called “father” a million times, I hadn’t done it.

  “Serious?” It was a dumb response, but it was all I could manage.

  He nodded, his brown eyes lifting and searching mine for understanding. “Yeah, uh, it was in self-defense. The bastard beat me within an inch of my life. I spent weeks in the hospital only to be sent back to live with him. I was fifteen. My mom left when I was little, probably to get away from him—although why she left me there, I have no idea. While I was recovering in the hospital, I decided that the next time he wailed on me, I was going to finish it because I sure as shit wasn’t ending up back in the hospital because of that prick.” He looked down and then away as if to gather himself.

  “What happened?” I really was curious. Perhaps we had more in common than I thought.

  “Sure enough, about a month after I was home, we got into a huge argument. He started pushing me around, threw a couple of punches, so for the first time in my life, I fired back. Just went ballistic. I kept on pummeling him, letting out all my anger using my fists. I kept on going even after he stopped moving.”

  “Fuck.” I was blown away. I’d done some things in my time, but Nate had gone that extra mile. Killed his own flesh and blood.

  “Yeah, fuck. So you see, I’ve been there. I know what it’s like. I can honestly say that coming here—” he nodded to the house, “—was the best thing that could have happened to me. I guess what I’m trying to say is…don’t waste this opportunity. Tom genuinely cares. You may not feel that way yet, but you will.”

  My breath left me in a rush, and I clawed at the stubble on my cheek. What could I say to that? Nate’s admission left me a little off kilter. For someone who had lived through his own fucked-up shit that would rival mine, he appeared unscathed. Normal. I sure as hell didn’t believe that he used knives to deal with it all. How had he recovered so well when I was barely holding it together?

  “Anyway. I’m out of here. Gotta be back bright and early to take care of some cubs.” He slapped me on the back and added, “If you need to let off some steam, let me know. I’ve got a couple of off-road bikes I can bring over. Nothing like tearing up some dirt to syphon off some aggression.” With that, he walked over to Lil, Daniel, and Macy to bid them farewell.

  I caught Lil’s odd stare. She appeared shocked and confused by Nate’s sudden act of comradery, and to be honest, I was a little too. Why was he reaching out to me?

  Chapter Thirteen

  Lil

  What were they talking about? I’d give anything to be able to lip read. Justice was listening, and Nate was doing all the talking. It looked pretty serious. Guy talk maybe? And why was Justice looking so alarmed? I didn’t think anything could shock him. Whatever it was Nate was sharing with him was pretty darn serious.

  “Did you hear what I said?” Macy asked.

  “Sorry?” She’d been speaking so fast since she had arrived I’d zoned out. Besides, my curiosity was getting the better of me. I wanted to know what was going on across the fire.

  “I said, tomorrow’s Saturday. Did you want to go into town and grab a coffee?”

  “Ah, I’ll let you know, okay? Dad might need me around here, you know, to watch Justice.”

  “Uh huh.” I caught her incessant nodding and huge grin as she looked to where I’d been staring.

  “What?”

  “Nothing!”

  “No. Not nothing. Come on, spit it out.”

  “It’s just you’ve been in a trance for the last ten minutes, haven’t heard a word I’ve said, and my guess is that one of those two over there have caught your eye. Considering I know you so well and also know Nate, I’m betting on the new guy.”

  I hated that my friend was so damn observant. Nothing, and I mean nothing, got by her.

  “He’s cute!” She giggled.

  “Hey, that’ll be enough of that, thank you very much!” admonished Daniel, pretending to be hurt while loosely draping an arm over her shoulder.

  “Oh, silly. Not in an “I want to jump his bones” kind of way, but I’ve got eyes, and well…he’s hot in that biker, fighter way. Soooo not my type.”

  Daniel pulled her into his side tighter and kissed her head. “Good. For a minute there, I thought I was going to have to put you on a leash.”

  “No chance. I’m happy with my man.”

  Suddenly, they were kissing, and I was definitely not going to sit by and listen to their wet smooches. Just as I stood, Nate walked over.

  “I’m off for the night. I told your dad I’d put in a couple of hours tomorrow then I’ve got three days off.”

  “Oh, okay. Well, thanks for all your help today. I hope you enjoyed your evening.”

  I wanted him to say something about Justice, but he hugged me. “You’re welcome, and yes, the night’s been good.” Ruffling my hair, he turned to Macy and Daniel, who had managed to stop locking tongues for the moment to say their goodbyes, giving me the opportunity to walk over to Justice. I had ignored him all night, and so I thought it might be my babysitter duties to make sure all was good.

  It was ten-thirty already, and I was dying to head indoors to go to bed. The day had been draining in more ways than one.

  He raised his head and met my eyes as I strolled over and sat on the log beside his, not too close, but near enough to feel the zing in my groin that I was beginning to recognize.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey. Decided to sit with the outcast after all, hmm?” he questioned, a slight edge to his words.

  I didn’t feel like arguing, so I opted for appeasement. “Just wanted to see how you were doing.”

  “Fine.”

  “You don’t say much, do you?”

  “I don’t have much to say.”

  Okay, that went well. Change of subject. “Tomorrow, I’ll introduce you to the elephants, and then we get to go for a little drive to pick up some carcasses.”

  He looked at me through reddened eyes, and I started to wonder just how much he’d had to drink or whether it was just from the smoke of the fire. “You mean I get to leave this place already?”

  “Don’t get any ideas, city boy. One trip, that’s all. There and back. Unless you want to sleep out in the wilderness with just the clothes you’re in, then I’m pretty confident you won’t run.”

  “Like I said earlier—you don’t know me.”

  “Nope. I don’t, but I’m putting a little trust in you. I don’t know why, but I am because I try to see the good in people. You can either abuse that trust or embrace it. Your choice.”

  His mask seemed to fall for a moment, indecision and confusion replacing it like he’d never been given the option before. “Whatever you say, boss.” His deep scrutiny continued even while he swigged his beer.

  “You’re not going to argue with me?”

  “You want me to?”

  “No, I just wasn’t expecting you to concede so easily.”

  “Just keeping you on your toes, princess.”

  I scoffed, downing a few mouthfuls of my own beer, deciding that I wasn’t going to have any more or I would be no good to anyone tomorrow.

  “Tell me something?” he asked. I could still feel him watching me.

  I focused on the dying flames and burning embers of
the fire. “Depends what it is.”

  “Do you always get what you want?”

  That was unexpected. I wasn’t sure why he wanted to know that, but I felt the need for clarification.

  “Not at all. In fact, I lost the one thing I wanted most in the world. My mother.” I pictured my mother’s smiling face before she’d split with Dad. We’d been the perfect family in my eyes. Not rich with material things but rich with plenty of love. That’s all I had needed. All I had wanted, and yet, in the end, it hadn’t been enough for my mom. That smile had never found its way to her face after that.

  I felt a soft pad touch my cheek and turned to see Justice with his hand to my face, wiping a stray tear away. I hadn’t even realized it had fallen. His fanned, thick lashes swept downwards as he peered right into me, lids half closed, a slash across his brow as a result of a frown.

  I blinked away more tears, willing my lip to stop quivering. His thumb swept under my eye a few times. It was the sweetest, most madly confusing moment. I seemed to internally collapse under his touch. A gentleness from such a surly, tough exterior. It didn’t make sense.

  As if catching himself in an act of treason, he pulled his hand away quickly and placed both forearms on his knees, beer bottle dangling from his fingers, his body switching to indifferent mode. It was as if he was constantly battling a war within himself. Good versus evil. His moods were confusing as hell.

  Gathering my wits, I glanced over at Macy and Daniel, who were fixed on me like they were watching some exceptionally great movie, unblinking and totally engrossed.

  “Would you like some popcorn?” I offered, snapping them out of their comas.

  Macy stood. “Actually, it’s getting late. We were just about to leave.”

  Yeah right. If I hadn’t have caught them, they would have sat and ogled me all night.

  Daniel rose quickly, putting his arm around Macy’s waist, leading her across to us. “Thanks for dinner and drinks. I’ve happily got the weekend off, so I’ll see you guys Monday.” He shook first my hand and then Justice’s.

  “Let me know about coffee tomorrow, girlie,” Macy reminded me. I wasn’t sure that I would go. I had things to show Justice.

  “I’ll text you early in the morning and let you know. If it’s not tomorrow, maybe we can do it next week.”

  She leaned down and gave me a hug, whispering quietly, “Sure, but if you need to talk about anything in the meantime, call me.” Standing back up, she gave me a wink, and then they walked inside to find my father, who, judging by the noise in the kitchen, was in the process of clearing up.

  I should go help him, but I was warm and comfortable right where I was.

  “Looks like the party is over.” Justice motioned toward the house with his head.

  “Mmm. It was a nice night.”

  “I’ve never done this before.”

  “What, partied? I find that hard to believe.”

  “Believe me, I’ve partied. Hard. I’m talking about sitting outside in front of a fire, just chilling.”

  “I guess they don’t allow fires in the city, huh?” I snickered, attempting to joke, but it didn’t look like Justice was amused.

  “Oh, there’s fires, sweetheart, but not like this.”

  I knew what he meant. Arson. Destruction. The alcohol I’d consumed gave me some liquid courage, so I daringly asked the question that had been buzzing around in my head all day.

  “So, what’s your story? How did you end up in prison?”

  He blanched and turned into a pillar of popped veins and protruding muscle. His jaw seemed to spasm. Clearly, I’d hit a nerve. Reading his body language, I’d say that he wasn’t going to answer me and I’d just successfully pressed the wrong button.

  The firelight danced in his eyes as he speared me with daggers. “That seems to be the running question of the night.” The softer, calmer version of Justice had clearly flown the coop, leaving his hostile alter ego in its place.

  “I guess we’re all just curious. Wanting to get to know you a little more.”

  Leaning toward me his nose was almost tapping mine. “Well, you know what they say, princess. Curiosity killed the cat.” Danger wove itself through his words, but he forgot who he was talking to. Sparks were flying, and they weren’t from the dying fire. They were from the erotic way his invisible threat challenged me. A raw place within me that existed without boundaries. I could already tell Justice was going to be the one to breathe life into those sparks and have them flare gloriously so that for the first time in a long while, I would know what it was like to truly be alive.

  Even with booze breath, he still smelled good enough to kiss. I wanted to taste it on his tongue. Have him feast on me with that shapely, ripe mouth. Feel his need for me so I could feed it back to him.

  There were some fierce sex hormones in the air and not just from me. Justice epitomized the word sex. Dangerous. Intense. Inked. Insanely masculine with scandalous eyes I could stare at for days. I was going to do it. I was going to slake this thirst and end my dry spell.

  I lifted my hand to grab his neck, but before I could reach my target, he growled low and stood, walking toward the house, tossing his empty bottle in the garbage just outside the kitchen door, and then he was out of sight, leaving me feeling embarrassed and silly for thinking I could take what I wanted. I barely knew him. He was a guest in our house. He was only here for a short time, and I was obviously more desperate than I thought.

  With a sigh, glad no one else had witnessed my moment of weakness, I shoveled a few handfuls of dirt onto the withering fire to make sure it was out properly, turned off the music, and headed in for the night so I could sulk in bed.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Justice

  Keeping my bedroom door ajar and the light on because I couldn’t cope with sleeping any other way, I stripped and crawled into bed, noticing Tom had kept his word and placed some fresh clothes on a chair in the corner. Huh. Another first. Someone who said they would do something and actually followed through with it.

  My first official night of freedom. I had no idea just a few weeks ago that I’d be in a nice comfortable bed on a property out of the city, surrounded by fucking tigers, lions, and elephants, some of which wanted me ripped to shreds, all the while pulling off some serious restraint to not ravish and violate some hot chick who had the ability to eviscerate me. I figured I’d be sleeping under a bridge somewhere, plotting my next heist to get some funds together. Story of my life.

  Rolling onto my side, facing the open door to help settle the constant battle raging inside, I mulled over the evening. Nate’s confession kept playing over and over in my head, pushing through all the other muck. He’d killed his dad. That was some epic shit to have to carry around but he seemed to have dealt with it far better than I had with my own crap. The guy seemed like an all right dude. He’d offered me an outlet to vent my anger. Little did he know I already had one. My arm still felt like fifty bees had stung me all at once.

  And then there was Lil. Oh, she wanted me. She’d gone in for the grab to shove her tongue down my throat. I’d seen that look plenty of times on horny, willing women, and hers had been no different. The question I had to ask myself was why had I not let her? Was it because her old man had been just a whisper away in the kitchen, or had it been because she differed from the cheap sluts I’d fucked for my own gratification? Lil had a depth like I’d never seen in anyone before, or maybe it was because I’d never cared to look for it in others, but whatever it was, she was poles apart from all those other bitches. I felt like I’d lived a month in the space of not even one whole day. She’d dredged so many emotions from my cold soul, the most profound being the strange sensation elicited deep in my chest at the sight of those damn tears on her face. I don’t think I’d ever comforted anyone before. I’d never wanted to, but the expression on her face, the turbulence in her sea green eyes had called to my own brokenness on some instinctual level. The girl had layers. I wanted to peel back tho
se layers and see what I’d find. Plus, my dick had been so fucking hard all night just thinking about sinking deep inside her I’d had to walk away when she’d gone in for the kill. A quick shower and a messy hand job later, I was far from satisfied, but I didn’t know what the hell I could do to erase the wretched need.

  Throwing myself from side to side for a while, I eventually plundered into the darkness.

  The wind sings hauntingly, carrying through the impenetrable black, goading me with its voice as I shiver uncontrollably on the arctic floor. A roach skitters nearby. Vermin, existing in the filth that bathes me in its putridity. My eyes adjust, yet I see nothing. I see nothing, yet I feel everything. Each icy breath of winter pushing me further into hypothermia. Every creak and groan of the wooden floorboards above, notifying me that life carries on without me. Pulling on my shackles, I cry out in one last desperate attempt to draw some form of compassion from my captor, but my efforts are futile.

  I sob endlessly, wishing death would steal me away. Surely heaven has light and warmth if it even exists. Maybe it’s just something made up by adults to trick children into believing, like Christmas and the tooth fairy. All lies.

  Something large with small, sharp feet climbs onto my bare leg, and I let loose a startled, screech…

  “Justice? Justice! Are you okay?”

  Shaking on my arm. A voice. Not the evil’s voice but something higher. Panicked.

  Bolting upright, a cold sweat beaded on my skin, I heaved a breath in and out, flailing my arms to ward off whoever was grabbing me.

  “Please! Don’t hurt me. I’ll be good—I promise.” Was I still in the basement? It was dark. I must be.

  “Justice, it’s me, Lil. Calm down. You’re okay.”

  Lil? What the hell was she doing in my dream? Focusing on the tiniest of details, the cold concrete floor had been replaced by soft bedding. My arms were free. I wasn’t tied up. Trying to see through the darkness, I squeezed my eyes open and shut.