Pain

by Amanda Mackey

  “Shh. You must have had a bad dream.”

  What? Shit. I was okay. He was gone. Short-lived relief about where I really was. Then alarm. Darkness. Fear. Monsters came in the dark. I was suffocating. I reacted intrinsically.

  “Turn the fucking light on now! I mean it. If you don’t turn the mother of a light on, I’m going to hurt you.”

  I heard a slight whimper, and then the room was flooded in Technicolor, hurting my eyes while they adjusted.

  Lil stayed by the door, her face etched with shock and consternation.

  I swung my legs over the bed and rubbed my face and head furiously to expel the nightmare.

  Jesus! That way she looked at me was fucking damaging. “I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else.”

  “Umm, okay. Well, I’ll just leave you to it, then.”

  “The light stays on and the door open.”

  “I didn’t realize. That was my fault. I figured you’d forgotten to turn it off.”

  Inching my eyes over her body, taking note of the sweats and shirt she was decked out in, I refused to seek out her face again. Seeing the jumble of emotions once was enough. She’d just witnessed a fraction of what lay beneath me, and for some reason, it pained me to reveal that part of my darkness to her.

  “Your arm.”

  Shit. Shit. The bandage on my arm. She’d seen it. How the hell was I going to explain it? Think. Twisting my arm away from her, I lied.

  “Oh, I injured it in prison. Just a sprain. Nothing too serious.” Fuck! Would she buy it?

  Nodding slightly, seemingly appeased, she said, “Will you be all right? I mean, after your nightmare?”

  “Sure. Nothing I haven’t dealt with before.”

  “Right. Well, night.” She faltered for a moment as if she didn’t want to leave. She finally turned to go.

  “Yep.”

  Hearing her pad away, I sank back on the bed, mentally screaming at myself. The last time my past had come back to haunt me was in prison, and hadn’t I copped some flak for that? I thought I’d never live it down. Crying out like a girl. Trouble was, there was nothing I could do to stop it.

  Rubbing my forearm to create some friction against my wound, needing to feel and forget, I stared at the ceiling, counting my breaths in and out, willing my pulse to stop surging in my ears, I wondered what Lil thought of me now that one of my own layers had been peeled back.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Lil

  The digital clock beside the bed said 2:55 a.m. I hadn’t slept a wink since being woken by Justice’s cries a couple of hours ago.

  I hadn’t known how to deal with him. He’d been scared. Terrified might be a more appropriate word. What had he been reliving? His time in prison? Childhood? His frantic voice when I’d tried to wake him had caught me off guard. He’d seemed so exposed. The arrogant, controlled guy I was used to hadn’t existed in that moment, and all I’d wanted to do was comfort him, but he’d made it very clear that he wasn’t accepting anything of the sort and had gone feral when he realized the light was off.

  A nineteen-year-old guy needing to sleep with the light on and the door open. It proved to me that whatever Justice had suffered had screwed him up big time.

  The asshole façade was covering up something so huge that even I was frightened to learn what it might be. Still, if I was going to help, I needed to find out what it was.

  Fluffing up my pillow, I turned onto my stomach, waiting for the sun to come up so I could call Macy and decline our coffee date. I wasn’t going to leave Justice to fend for himself on his second day here. I wanted to take him to the elephants and maybe have him start working on repairing the stables that had been sitting vacant for years due to a leaky roof and rotting boards on the walls. Dad had agreed that I could get a couple of horses once it was fixed up, but everyone had been too busy to get around to it. The project was perfect for Justice. It would keep him busy and out of my hair for a while and give him something else to focus on.

  After dozing lightly on and off the remainder of the night, I was up at five a.m. and in the shower to help liven me up a bit. With a few beers under my belt and little sleep, I was running on vapors.

  I’d peeked into Justice’s room on my way past. It looked like he’d managed to fall back asleep, as all I could see was the back of his head poking out from the covers.

  I’d give him until seven a.m., and then I’d have to go wake him. I had a full day planned.

  ***

  The cool morning had me donning a pair of blue jeans, shirt, and a warm jacket. Once I was outside and working, I’d be able to lose the jacket.

  Dad ambled into the kitchen about six a.m. to grab a coffee that I’d had brewing for the last half hour.

  “Hey, Lil. Sleep well?”

  “Actually, I tossed and turned most of the night. How about you?” I was anxious to know if he’d heard the ruckus last night.

  “Slept like a baby. I guess all the hours I lost due to Mia’s pregnancy really took it out of me.”

  I was relieved to hear that he’d slept through. I wasn’t going to mention anything about Justice yet. I wanted to deal with it myself. No sense in worrying Dad.

  Sitting down at the table with me, he sipped his coffee and asked, “What’s on your mind? It’s not like you to have a sleepless night.”

  Damn. I was hoping he wouldn’t ask. “I think it was the few beers I had and my mind had a hard time shutting down after the cubs being born and everything.” Not sure if he would buy it, I watched him and waited.

  “It’s sure been a mad couple of days. Hopefully now everything will settle down. You getting Justice out again today?”

  “Yeah. I thought I’d introduce him to the elephants and then get him working on the stables.”

  Dad lifted his eyebrows. “You think he’ll be able to handle it?”

  “I do. Plus, how else am I going to be able to get that horse you promised me?”

  “I was hoping you’d grown out of that idea by now.” He winked at me, gulping his coffee.

  “Never,” I replied, wondering what his response would be to my next question. “Can I take Justice out with me to pick up the haul this afternoon?”

  He surveyed me for a moment before answering, “I was hoping we could keep him contained for a bit longer before letting him outside.”

  “Dad, he’s not one of the animals.” Or maybe he was. The two-legged kind.

  “He could still run, though.”

  “I don’t think he will.”

  “What makes you so sure?”

  “Just a hunch.”

  “Hmm. I don’t know, Lil. We’re responsible for the guy. If anything were to happen, it would kill any chance of proceeding with the parole program.”

  He had a point. I wasn’t really sure that Justice wouldn’t run. Just yesterday, he’d told me he didn’t stay in one place long. Maybe I was giving him too much credit.

  “Fine. I’ll go. I just thought after being locked up in prison for so long, it might be nice for him to get out and see some of the area.”

  “Plenty of places to see on the property for now.” Dad rose, walking to the sink and placing his cup down. “You ready to go see the cubs? As soon as Nate gets in, we’re moving them outside.”

  The conversation about taking Justice for a ride was over, so I nodded and grabbed my boots, following Dad out the door.

  ***

  It was 7:10 a.m. when I got back to the house after visiting Mia and her cubs. The tigress was up and pacing when we arrived, not taking well to being in a confined space. I couldn’t blame her. The cubs, eyes still tightly closed, looked just as adorable as they had when they were first born, squeaking for their mama constantly. She’d let me hold each one, which was surprising, considering how new and tiny her babies were, and I’d certainly relished in the feel of them, kissing and cuddling them before scratching Mia’s ears, her favorite spot.

  Walking down the hallway, I stopped outside Justice’s partially
open door, noticing the light still on. He was obviously still asleep, so I needed to wake him.

  Apprehension washed over me as I crept into his room. Should I draw the heavily lined curtains to let some sunshine in first, rather than shake him awake? After last night, I wasn’t sure that it wouldn’t end in my face getting punched.

  Deciding that I’d see if the sun woke him first, I opened the curtains wide, the natural light pouring in, catching Justice’s closed eyes and partially covered face. Even in slumber, he wore a frown, peace obviously never finding its way out.

  I allowed a moment to study him. The sheet crept up over his mouth as he faced the window, but other than that, the rest of his head was exposed. His body rose and fell with each deep inhalation, his eyelids blinking every so often. I’d always wondered why some people’s eyelids moved even when they were out of it. Maybe he was like a dog or cat that twitched when they dreamed. At least it didn’t seem to be a nightmare this time if that were true. Apart from the frown, he appeared fairly settled.

  He didn’t come across as threatening, lying still. In fact, if anything, he looked younger than nineteen. Just a kid. A victim of circumstance. Broken so badly that he didn’t know who he was anymore. It was sad.

  I moved to the door and turned the light off, happy that the sun was blazing in. The sky outside was clear, not a cloud to be seen. A good day for stable repairs. Turning, ready to walk over to Justice to wake him, I jumped to see his head turned and his black lasers pointed directly at me, all sleepy and way too sexy.

  Just how long had he been awake?

  “You scared me!” I huffed, stopping halfway.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” he scratched out, sitting up and letting the sheets fall away.

  Oh heck no. Not this again. A naked, very healthy upper body was now the centerpiece of the room. Veins popping, valleys dipping. I tried so hard not to look lower at the side of his exposed thigh as he sat forward slightly. If I angled my head to the left, I was sure I’d just be able to make out his butt crack.

  “I…well…uh…it’s after seven a.m, and…work.” My fingers were twisting furiously in front of me.

  He barked out a laugh, his mouth cutting into a half smile. “Cat got your tongue, princess?”

  I was beginning to notice the references to all things feline.

  Before I could answer with more disjointed drivel, he pushed the bedding totally off, stood as naked as the day he was born, his morning wood giving me the one-eyed salute, and shuffled over to the chair which had some fresh clothes folded, probably compliments of my dear old dad.

  Sweet petunias! I was privy to my very own peep show. I knew my expression was one of stunned awe, and I should have turned away, but damn, now that I had full view of the tight globes of his ass and the expanded mass of his back, I was too far gone to act with any sense of decency. Each slight movement to dress, bending and turning, had his lengthy muscles overtly demonstrating just how thickly wrapped he was in the tight bands.

  It was a shame to see such a fine form get covered up in clothing. First the boxers then the sweat pants, which looked far better on Justice than they did on my father, followed by a tee and then a blue checkered long sleeve fleecy, zip up hoodie to finish the package. Without turning, and as if he knew I hadn’t moved, he asked, “Get an eyeful, sweets?”

  Hurriedly looking away before he caught me in a daze, I shot back, “I wasn’t!”

  “Liar. I could feel those fucking glorious emeralds of yours drilling a hole in my back.” He took a step forward, and I took one back, putting my hand up between us.

  “Do you want coffee? Or something to eat before we start?”

  Arrogant prick was back. He grinned and then rolled his eyes to the side as if thinking. “Hmm. Let me see. Do I want something before we start?” Another step forward. He was a predator, no doubt about it. One that was about to pounce any second. I moved back, feeling the handle poke into my back from the angled door. I grabbed it with one hand to steady myself. “What would I like? That’s a good question.”

  Did he just move again? I could have sworn the distance between us was dwindling away to nothing. Where the hell was my feisty “don’t take any crap” alter ego when I needed her?

  “What’s the matter, sweetheart? Last night by the fire, you practically threw yourself at me. Now you’re withdrawing with your tail between your legs.”

  “Stop! Don’t come any closer. I was thrust into delusions by the beer I’d had. It was all a big mistake, I swear.”

  “I see. Do you always throw yourself at guys when you’ve been drinking?” He was now all but upon me. I tried to use the fact that he was dressed in my father’s clothing to help distill the burning ache in my belly, but it was hard to when the scent coming from him was nothing like my dad. Justice exuded a crude strength. A presence that made me fumble when he got into my personal space. Like right now.

  “No! Never! I’m not like that! I mean, I’m not a virgin, but I’m not promiscuous either.” What the hell was my mouth doing?

  I was glaring at his neck. He swallowed hard, remaining fixed there. He’d stopped moving. Just breathed. He wasn’t touching me. I didn’t know what to do. The blanket of restraint and need was ever present, teasing me into doing something I knew I’d regret.

  “You know what I think?”

  “No.” It was barely a squeak.

  “I think you like wild things. You crave the fear they bring and then you channel that fear into power. It scares you, but it excites you. Makes you feel alive. Right now, I can hear your heart thundering. See the pulse hammering in your neck. I could do anything at this point, and you wouldn’t stop me.”

  I still wasn’t looking at him. Even when one arm lifted and landed on the wall somewhere above my head so that his chest touched mine, bringing about an immediate response from my nipples as they grazed over the cotton of his undershirt.

  “You’re wrong. You’ve only been here twenty-four hours. You can’t begin to know me.” There was so much truth to his words it scared me. I must be so readable for a complete stranger to waltz in here and work me out in such a short time.

  His other hand came up to grip my chin forcefully. “You don’t want to find out how wild I am, Li’l princess.” He squeezed my jaw as he pushed upwards, my head rising until we were focused on each other. “Some animals can’t be tamed.”

  “You aren’t an animal. You are a person.” One that was too close. One I wanted to maul and devour. Taste and savor.

  “I stopped being a person years ago. You can’t save me like your little pets,” he gritted out. There was a wild gleam in his black eyes. “That’s why I’m here, isn’t it? To be rescued?”

  A thick thigh pushed my legs apart, rubbing against my blistering core, dragging a moan from me that I made no effort to hide. His previous erection hadn’t waned any and drove into me, pinning me to the half-shut door. I was still clenching the base of the knob that was jabbing into my back, and with one thrust of his hips into me, the door closed fully, forcing me backwards until I jarred against the wood.

  Still he soaked me in, pushing me, testing my limits, spurring me on further. “You don’t have to say anything. I know that’s why,” he continued. “But learn this, you’re playing with fire, pussycat. I’m the guy your father should have warned you about. I’m beyond rescuing. The things I want to do to you right now would blow your fucking mind. Dark things. It’s a sickness. It’s who I am.”

  I couldn’t get my lungs to expand. A sliver of unease had crept up my body from my toes into my neck, but it was on point with what he’d said earlier about my fear feeding my power. An adrenalin rush. Without even knowing I was doing it, I found myself rubbing backwards and forwards on his thigh.

  His pupils were like night, overwhelming me with their vastness. I was so amped up I wasn’t sure where I was or who I was. I was infused with Justice, hyper aware of every twitch of his muscle and blink of his eyes. Every sound part of my brai
n was yelling at me to run far away, but there was also a curious part of me that wanted to test the dark waters.

  “I like fire,” I teased. Would he just do something already? Kiss me. Strip me. Grind harder. The need to come was so extreme if he didn’t tip me over the sharp edge, I was the one that was going to turn feral. Shards of pleasure were breaking off and shooting to my heavy breasts that were begging for some form of stimulation other than the press of his chest.

  His nostrils flared wildly, his jaw working furiously. The grip on my chin loosened as he moved his hand lower to the side of my neck. The gentler touch had my senses on overdrive, and I didn’t think I could take much more of the tension.

  He grunted, slamming his palm against the door before crashing his mouth onto mine, prying my lips open with his greedy tongue. It was violent and rough. Both hands moved to my armpits, lifting me off the floor and then ramming me hard against the door again. My legs lifted high on his waist. I cried out as his cock hit bang on the spot I needed release.

  He was howling into my mouth, bruising me with his lips. We twisted and turned our heads, angling from side to side desperately. My need seemed as great as his.

  He was everywhere. Surrounding me. In me. I began clawing at his clothes.

  “Don’t. Leave the clothes on.”

  Why? It was too restricting. I couldn’t feel his body through his thick leather jacket.

  “I need skin,” I panted out as his lips left my mouth to destroy my neck.

  “No!” he growled. “This will be over by the time you get my jacket off.” He was pumping himself against me and I was reciprocating with equal vigor. “Pull my hair. I need pain.”

  I didn’t want to hurt him. I couldn’t. Now was not the time to be thinking of pain. All I could focus on was the mounting pressure building like a tsunami barreling to shore.

  I threw my head back against the wood and moaned and cursed in short bursts as the door banged from the force of Justice fucking me while fully clothed.