Pain

by Amanda Mackey

  Even under the current circumstances, he was still beautiful. Dreadfully so. The lines on his forehead had gone, replaced with a look of peace that I’d never seen before. It was hard to believe I’d devoured those soft, parted lips that turned up at the corners or begged him to take me harder as his sinful body had claimed mine. The rippling muscles that always appeared tense were now relaxed.

  Reaching out for his hand, I gripped it tightly. “Hey,” I soothed. “You scared me. You scared all of us.” I waited for any sign that he may have heard me, but was met with the droning “beep” of the heart monitor.

  “I can’t tell you how sorry I am for snooping when I shouldn’t have. I feel responsible. It was wrong. I overstepped my boundaries and wish I could take it back. I know you’ll never understand that I was only trying to help, but truly, I was. God. You’ve put up with so much shit in your life I can’t begin to imagine what it’s been like for you. I now know why you reacted the way you did when you saw the news. He was your foster dad, wasn’t he? He hurt you like he hurt the others.” My stomach was in big dirty knots, salty tears leaking from the corners of my eyes.

  “You deserve a better life. Dad and I want to help give you that. I know we can if you’ll let us. You have to let your wall down and trust us. I’ll do everything I can to earn that trust again. I promise.”

  The beeps on the machine sped up for just a couple of seconds and then returned to normal. Had he heard me? Was he waking up?

  Chapter Thirty

  Justice

  I wasn’t sure where I was or what the sounds were that cut into my awareness. My body was floating on a cloud of oblivion with just a hint of noise in the background. A mechanical drone. Ceaseless. Pushing into my sentience with its continual tune. Apart from that everything was dark and still. Pain had vanished. I wasn’t my body anymore. Just a thought. An iota of consciousness in an endless void. Until something new added itself to the cacophony.

  The voice of an angel, lighting the dark. The soft, enjoyable inflection added to my peace. I drank in its familiarity, allowing it to smother me with its warmth. More. I craved more. I wasn’t sure why, but with its gentle presence came the all-knowing that the source of the sentimental chatter held great power over me. Someone who had already begun chipping away the ice around my heart. With the emotional shield thinning, I was susceptible to exposing parts of myself that I’d hidden away from everyone. The real parts of being human such as compassion, happiness, hope, and even love.

  For a split second, the incessant background tempo that never changed altered marginally and then slowed as if me thinking about those strange new emotions had played a part in its pace. Wherever I was, I wanted to remain because I’d never before experienced a total state of calm like it. Maybe I never would again.

  Chapter

  Thirty-One

  Lil

  A nurse poked her head in the door. “Time’s up, honey.”

  Letting go of Justice’s hand, I took him in one last time and quietly exited, giving my dad a half-hearted smile as he brushed past me into the room.

  I stood next to Nate, who was leaning against the opposite wall. “You not going in to see him?” I asked.

  “Nah. Not tonight. I’ll wait until he’s conscious.” He pulled me into a comfortable embrace, resting his chin on my head. “Stop blaming yourself for all this. You’re not responsible.”

  Oh, how I wished that were true, but the fact was, my actions had pushed Justice to react the way he had. Plain and simple. Nobody could change my mind on that. Nate was waiting for my response, but I couldn’t give him the answer he wanted.

  Pulling back slightly, he lifted my head with both hands. “Hey. Stop. I can almost hear the noise in that head of yours. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you take this on board. The kid was messed up and would have snapped sooner or later. Take it from someone who has been there. The smallest of triggers are enough to set you off.”

  “I should learn to mind my own business.”

  “It’s not like you went searching for the diary. You found it by accident.”

  “I didn’t have to read it, though. I shouldn’t have.”

  “You were trying to help. That has to count for something. No one has probably ever tried to help him before. I’m sure when he recovers and sees that, he’ll come around. Besides, I’m still investigating into his past.”

  “You are?” I thought he may have forgotten about it with everything going on.

  “I’ve got a friend who’s good at finding out information. He’s searching for Justice’s birth mother.”

  That information caused every muscle in my body to tense. “Why?”

  His right eyebrow lifted under his hair that had fallen lazily over his brow. “You seem shocked.”

  “Shocked, no. Curious and a little surprised, yes.”

  “He deserves to know where he came from. What if she had no choice but to hand him over to the foster care system? We don’t know the circumstances. I just figure that if we find out where she is or if she’s still alive, we can give him the information, and he can do what he wants with it.”

  Doubt crept in. I couldn’t see Justice ever wanting to know the woman who had given him away. Part of his deep-seated anger would have stemmed from that.

  “Look, I know what you’re thinking,” added Nate, stepping back. “We’ll just find out a little background information, and then we’ll decide if we should give it to him. Obviously, he needs to recover first, so if we find anything out, we’ll keep it to ourselves until we see fit, agreed?”

  Sighing, I agreed. “Fine. I want to be the first to know what you find.”

  Tweaking my nose, he smiled. “Of course. My partner in crime.”

  That brought a snigger from me, just as Dad exited Justice’s room. “You all set to go?”

  ***

  Of course, sleep eluded me and failed to drag me under. Stepping back inside our house and then having to walk past the bathroom had me reliving the nightmare. No one had cleaned up the mess in there yet, and I was damned sure it wasn’t going to be me. The door was shut, so I couldn’t smell the acrid stench of blood, but the sight was burned into my mind’s eye. Daniel and Macy were unaware of the night’s events, and it was Daniel’s day to come to work at eight a.m. He was going to be in for a surprise when he showed up.

  Turning my pillow over, I relished in its coolness. So much had changed. No longer was I living the simple life I had strived for since my mother’s death. Everything had become complicated, including my feelings for Justice.

  I needed to be honest with myself and face the fact that he meant more to me than just a temporary addition to our family. I felt like we’d bypassed friendship altogether and become something much more. I wasn’t sure about Justice. Perhaps I’d been nothing more than an outlet to use so he could relieve his sexual frustration. Men could do that, couldn’t they? Fuck without feeling?

  While I’d thought I might be able to do that, I knew it was impossible. The way he’d possessed me, touched me, and kissed me had been way more than just sex. We’d been trying to climb inside one another, desperate to be claimed by the dark heat we both craved.

  If that was going to help bring him back from the brink, then that’s what I was going to use. The connection I’d felt while we’d been joined. He had to have felt it. His primal roars and the severe way his body had shaken were proof. A body that was meant for sin. Every glorious inch of him was perfect, scars and tattoo included.

  As the sun lightened the sky outside, a noise had me sitting up. It was a scratching sound coming from inside the house. Listening harder, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what it was, so I got up, grabbed my crutches, and crept out into the hall.

  Dad’s bedroom door was open, so I moved across and noticed it was empty. Softly padding down toward the living room, the scratching became louder until I stopped outside the closed bathroom door.

  “Dad?” I knocked loudly using the end of the c
rutch. “What are you doing?”

  “Lil? It’s all right, honey, go back to bed. I’m just cleaning up in here so you can use the bathroom. I’m nearly done.”

  “What’s that raspy noise?”

  “It’s probably the scourer against the tiles.”

  “Oh.” The blood would have dried by now. He had to scrub to get it clean. Poor Dad. It wouldn’t be easy on him either, having to deal with the aftermath.

  “I can’t sleep. I was just going to put the coffee pot on. Do you want one?”

  “That would be great, Lil. I’ll be out in a bit.” The scraping started up again. I couldn’t stand to hear it, so I shuffled into the kitchen and did my best to organize some coffee while balancing on my crutches. With my lack of sleep and the stress of everything, I could barely move from the immense fatigue. My head was as heavy as my eyes and my limbs ached. It was going to be a rough day.

  I wasn’t sure how The Sanctuary would cope with me out of action and now Justice—although we had survived well enough without him, I’d always been actively involved. I’d be able to answer phones and do paperwork. Nate and Daniel would have to take care of the animals.

  Another pickup would need to be done to get some carcasses. It had been a few days since the last haul.

  Thoughts switched back to Justice. I wondered if he was awake now or still unconscious. Had I imagined the increase in his heartrate when I’d spoken to him? It could have merely been a normal occurrence. He was, after all, dosed up heavily on medication.

  Once the coffee was ready, I poured Dad and myself a cup and set his down on the table opposite me. Nursing my cup, I swallowed the strong liquid, hoping it would give me much-needed energy.

  “That smells like heaven,” Dad enthused, walking in to the kitchen.

  “I’m going to need a couple of cups before I can function.” I was serious. Caffeine was my new best friend.

  “Didn’t sleep much?”

  “Hardly. It was a rough day and night.”

  “Hmm. What’s the saying? We’re not given anything we can’t handle?” Dad was downing his coffee nearly as quickly as I was. He was dressed in old clothes, and already, the bleach I could smell on him had begun to stain his shirt.

  “Pfft. Trust me. I’ve had about all I can take for the time being. I don’t want to handle anything else. Speaking of which, do you think you and Daniel would be able to cope here today without me? I thought I’d go to the hospital and visit with Justice for a while.”

  “Of course. Daniel’s happy to do the feeds while you’re on crutches anyway. When you get back, just head on up to the rescue center, and we’ll find something for you to do.”

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  “You hungry? I can make us some scrambled eggs.”

  Even though my stomach was still in turmoil, I knew going without food would only make it worse. “Sure. Eggs would be great.”

  “Why don’t you go shower, and I’ll get breakfast started.”

  Finishing my coffee, I stood and turned to hop out before I stopped. “Dad?”

  “Yeah, sweetie?”

  “Is the bathroom totally clean now?”

  Dad smiled. “I promise there’s not a drop of blood left, and it now has a nice clean smell of bleach. You may want to open the window.”

  I hoped he was right. One whiff of the red, metallic liquid and I’d be heaving my coffee all over the floor.

  In my room, I pulled out some warm leggings, black ankle boots, and a long-sleeved tee that covered my butt, struggling to hold everything while attempting to use my crutches as well. Getting frustrated, I threw my crutches on the ground, and with my bundle of clothes pressed against my stomach, I hopped to the bathroom on one foot, nearly losing my balance on the way, having to use the wall as a support post. Once inside, I rested my clothes in a pile on the vanity and scanned the room for any sign of blood. My eyes were drawn to the area Justice’s body had lain. I could see him stooped over, unmoving and pale. Just a carcass like the ones I picked up from Jim’s Meat Works.

  Shivering and getting creeped out, I turned toward the shower, needing to make it quick so I could get the hell out of there. The bathroom would never be the same again.

  Chapter

  Thirty-Two

  Lil

  After the quickest shower in history and an equally fast breakfast, I was pulling up in front of the hospital, nervous to be seeing Justice again. Would he welcome the sight of me or go into a rage? The last time we’d spoken, he’d been furious. I didn’t know what to expect. He might still be unconscious or else so drugged up he wouldn’t know who I was. That could work in my favor.

  I looked like I was visiting the hospital as an incapacitated patient checking in for an appointment. It was a slow and strenuous trek, my underarms aching from the pressure of the crutches.

  Grateful for the elevators, I took one to the second floor, knowing Justice’s room wasn’t too far down the corridor.

  Deciding to check in with the nurses first, I stopped at the busy desk. A young blonde nurse looked up from the files she was looking through. “How can I help you?”

  “I’m here to visit Justice Armstrong. I’m not sure if he is awake yet or allowed visitors.” I gave her my best questioning stare.

  Keying something into the computer, she smiled and motioned with her hand toward Justice’s room. “He regained consciousness about an hour ago. I’m sure he’ll be happy to have a visitor.”

  Yeah. Well, she didn’t know the full story, did she? That would remain to be seen. I was grateful he was awake. It meant he was going to recover. My guilt lessened slightly with that knowledge. I wouldn’t be an accessory to his suicide.

  “Thank you.” I offered a meek smile then turned and headed to face the music.

  There was a small window in the door that I peered through to see what I was up against. Justice had his eyes shut and looked to be sleeping again. A breakfast tray sat beside his bed, seemingly untouched. Pushing against the door, I tried not to bang my crutches against it as I fumbled my way inside.

  The sight of him hadn’t altered in the few hours I’d been absent. He was still unbearably handsome, even in the gray hospital gown. The chair I’d sat on previously had been returned to its place against the wall, so I moved it back beside the bed and rested both crutches against the metal drawers that held a plastic cup with a straw.

  It was almost as if he’d sensed my presence, or maybe I hadn’t been as quiet as I’d thought. His head turned, and his eyes blearily opened, all glassy and doped out.

  “Hi.” I was timid and shy, not my usual self.

  He searched my face, perhaps trying to fight his way through the plethora of drug-induced confusion. “Hey.” His voice sounded dry and hoarse.

  Looking at the water, I leaned across and held it out to him. “Do you want a drink?” He was still staring at me, making me nervous. Without waiting for his reply, I picked up the glass and held it out to him, suddenly aware that one arm was heavily bandaged and the other had a drip inserted.

  “Oh. Here.” I lifted it to his mouth. All the while, his eyes were stuck on me. “Lean forward a little more.” He did, and I tilted the cup so the straw hit his dry lips.

  After a few mouthfuls, I put the cup back and sat, fiddling with my hands on my lap. “How are you feeling?” It was probably a dumb thing to ask, considering, but that’s what you asked people in hospital, wasn’t it? When the question was met with silence, I panicked. He was pissed. He obviously remembered everything and was shunning my attempt at niceness.

  God. There was so much I wanted to say. To apologize for. Should I do it now while he was subdued?

  Swallowing a couple of times, I gazed around the room, stalling for a moment to gather the courage I’d need, and then I found his deep eyes and began.

  “Justice, I’m so damn sorry for everything. I never wanted to hurt you, I promise. That wasn’t my intention at all—you have to believe me. I want to help you…”

&n
bsp; He began to say something, but I held my palm up to halt him. “I need to get this out before you say a word. Please. Look, I know you hate me right now, and you have every reason to. I hate me right now. I did a stupid thing, and I regret it. More than you’ll ever know. Seeing you in here, well, it put things in perspective for me. Life is short and fragile, and those we care about might not always be around.” I’d said it, and I couldn’t take it back. I cared about him. Really cared. It wasn’t just pity. No, it was something so vast I couldn’t name it. His arrival at the house had hit me like a bus, disorienting me, and I’d been on a non-stop fairground ride ever since. It had shaken up my world. Made me feel things I’d been too afraid to search for. Opened up a hidden part of me that had been yearning to break free my whole life.

  His eyes were squinting, confusion lurking in their depths. I wasn’t sure he could even take in what I was saying, but I needed to keep going. “I know we got off to a shaky start, but the fact of the matter is, I like having you around. So does everyone else. You’ve burrowed under our skin and somehow become part of our clan. I don’t know how, because quite honestly, you can be a right pain in the ass some days.” It was part joke, part truth, but he didn’t acknowledge it in any form.

  “I vow here and now that if you don’t hate me, I will never betray your trust ever again. I want to start over. Be friends.” I wanted to be more than friends, but it wasn’t appropriate to voice that at the moment.

  Breathing out, I waited on something. Anything. A flicker of recognition or a tic in his jaw but it was as if he had turned into a pillar of stone. His silence was worse than his anger. It unnerved me immensely. What was he thinking? Feeling?

  Not even the heart monitor had changed its rhythm. I tore my eyes away and just sat, pretending to be interested in the décor of the room, which was typically sterile. Sounds outside of people going about their day and the ever present drone of the heart monitor were the only reminders that I hadn’t been sucked into a cone of silence.