Pain

by Amanda Mackey

  I’m not sure how long we sat there, him trying to search my soul and me darting backwards and forwards from nothing in particular to the heavenly pools I really wanted to dive into.

  It got to be so uncomfortable I contemplated leaving, but before I could stand, movement occurred. Nothing radical, just the closing of his eyes. I watched him squeeze them tightly for just a couple of heartbeats, and when he opened them, a tear had formed and began to trickle down his cheek, tearing my already fragile heart in two.

  His sumptuous lips opened, and one word escaped. Quiet but clear. “Sorry.” It was only a word, and yet it held so much power. The power to shatter my resolve and move me to tears. It was a word I never thought would leave his lips. The large, intimidating male with a massive chip on his shoulder was apologizing to me as if he owed me that. As if he owed me anything. How hard must it have been to say? To swallow that stubborn male pride and place himself in such a vulnerable position?

  Taking his hand, I kissed his knuckles before linking our fingers, giving him my comfort, needing to touch him. To have him know that I was going to be there for him no matter what.

  “You scared me,” I sobbed.

  His fingers squeezed mine as his other hand came up to wipe some of my tears away. His hand was shaking, and all he managed was to smear the droplets across my cheek, but it was okay. The gesture meant everything to me. I felt like we were going to be okay. Like he had forgiven me.

  When his fingers slackened and his eyes closed, I knew it was time to leave. He had fallen asleep. My heart felt lighter than when I’d arrived, knowing that a small part of the bridge had been mended.

  Chapter

  Thirty-Three

  Justice

  I wanted to hate her, to blame her for my misery, but after that little speech, I couldn’t. No one had ever said such nice things to me before. The sincerity in her eyes told me she genuinely felt remorse and wanted to atone for her wrong. Whatever drugs were pumping through my veins had most definitely suffused some of the rage that constantly burned inside because her words had cut into me far deeper than the gashes on my wrist. Seeing her very real concern had brought to the surface some shame and guilt over my actions. Although the details were fuzzy, I knew I’d attempted to off myself. The bandage on my hand and the discomfort underneath proved it without a doubt, and to see how it had affected her somehow affected me.

  She’d been gone for a couple of hours, and now that I was awake again, all I could see was her stunning face saddened by my actions. Nothing I’d done thus far had impacted another person the way it had impacted her as if she really did care. She’d said as much, but they were just words. Words didn’t mean shit. It was the emotion she had conveyed from every fiber of her being that had struck me senseless. What was she doing to me? All I’d wanted to do with her tears were take them away. My chest had ached, knowing I’d put those tears there.

  Her presence had soothed instead of irked me. Should I really be angry at her for prying into my fucked-up past? If what she had said were true, she’d been doing it out of concern. It was something new for me, and I didn’t know how to process it. I knew that was my reason for being in here. The fact that I’d over-reacted. But the actual process of slashing my wrist was vague. I’d totally gone off the deep end. Who had found me? Lil? Is that why she’d been so sad? Fuck! Had I been that far gone that I hadn’t thought that part through? Of course she’d find me in her own home. Jesus! She should be the one pissed at me, and yet she’d come in to visit me all by herself. To apologize and offer me friendship. I was such a dick. She was too good for my friendship. How could I be a friend when I’d never had one? I wouldn’t know where to begin. I’d suck at it just like I seemed to suck at everything else. Hell, I couldn’t even kill myself effectively.

  What would happen to me now? Would I be sent somewhere else, and did I really want that? As far as living conditions went, Lil’s house had been the best. It had ended up being different to what I’d thought. Homely. Comfortable, even with a pride of lions that wanted to tear me apart. I needed to finish fixing up the stable so Lil could have her horses. I’d at least try to get that done before my time was up. After that, I’d be on my own. Back out in the big, wide world. A nobody with no job and no money.

  My chest actually ached at that notion. I’d be back to living on the streets and stealing to survive. Probably take me a month or two before I ended up back behind bars. And so the circle would keep repeating itself. Did I really think that after all the Harris’ had done for me that I’d be able to rob them when I left as initially planned? I couldn’t. Things had changed.

  Chapter

  Thirty-Four

  Lil

  After a stressful week of hospital visits and helping in the rescue center, the day had finally appeared. Justice was coming back to live with us. It was agreed by all parties that it was the best course of action that he finish his parole, rather than be put out on the streets to fend for himself. Dad and I couldn’t have been happier.

  Macy had come over to help me pick up Justice’s surprise. Mr. Holland, our neighbor half a mile up the road, had asked if we wanted a puppy. His border collie Josie had whelped five pups six weeks ago, and they were now fully weaned off their mother and looking for homes. He had offered us the pick of the bunch, and he was going to sell the others.

  “I can’t believe you’re getting a puppy!” squealed Macy as she drove up the Hollands’ driveway.

  “Technically, I’m not. It’s for Justice in the hope that, by having to look after and care for something, it will help him heal. Animals always work.”

  Macy shot me one of her all-knowing smirks.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Don’t ‘what’ me, Lilian Harris. You know damn well what. You have a thing for the wickedly bad Justice. Admit it.”

  “I do not!”

  “Do too. You’re just too stubborn to admit it. Plus, what happens to puppy when he leaves? Will he take it with him?”

  I hadn’t thought that far ahead. I guess it would depend on where he was going and if he had a job and a home to go to. Otherwise, we’d keep the dog until he got himself sorted.

  “We’ll see.” I wasn’t giving her any more than that even though I wanted nothing more than to confide in her and tell her what my true feelings were. But then, Macy had always been able to read through me.

  “Uh huh! Yep. We will see,” she mocked, turning her sedan alongside the sprawling ranch house. I had a feeling she suddenly wasn’t talking about the dog.

  I giggled at her, playfully hitting her arm before gathering my crutches and climbing out.

  Mr. Holland’s property was smaller than ours although just as rugged. He didn’t keep animals on it like us. Just his two dogs and now his puppies.

  The tall middle-aged man, a little on the thin side, greeted us as he stepped from the side door of the house. “Well, hello there, Lil Harris! How might you be? It’s been a while since I’ve seen you, which is a shame, being neighbors and all.”

  I shook his hand when he reached us. “I know. It’s crazy how we don’t ever see each other. I guess it’s not like we’re actually close, but still, we are neighbors. We’ll have to have you and Grace over for dinner soon.”

  “We’d like that.” He looked at Macy.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. This is my friend, Macy. Macy, this is Peter Holland.”

  They shook hands, and then Peter led us to the large shed at the back of the house. Josie hovered close by as we neared the small enclosure. The cute black and white fur-balls came running over to the fence, yapping and wagging their tails at us in excitement.

  Macy and I couldn’t help squealing at their cuteness. “OMG! Look at them. I want one!” shrieked Macy, and I wasn’t much different.

  “Aww, hello, guys. Aren’t you just the sweetest things?” I cooed, reaching down to pat them as they nipped at my fingers.

  They were so adorable, I wanted all of them. How was I going to choose just on
e?

  “Climb over. Get to know them all. One will stand out from all the others.” Mr. Holland must have seen the dilemma on my face.

  We didn’t need to be asked twice. As Macy easily scaled the wire fence, I realized my predicament. There was no way I’d be able to climb over with one leg in plaster.

  Peter laughed, coming at me and picking me up like a baby, causing my crutches to drop away then gently lifting me over. Winking at me, he said, “I’ll leave you two ladies to get acquainted for a bit.”

  With that, he whistled to Josie, who hesitantly followed him, looking back at us as if she wasn’t too sure about leaving us alone with her babies.

  Macy was already on the concrete floor in the thick of it, and I quickly followed, sitting on my backside so I could place my legs out in front of me. We were soon swallowed up by five very energetic puppies, eager to play. I couldn’t help but laugh as they tumbled all over us.

  “You have to get one!” I chuckled through my words as two puppies tried to climb up my front to lick my face.

  “I sooo do! Do you think Jinx the cat will approve?”

  “Ha! That cat wouldn’t approve of anything that doesn’t smell like fish.”

  That got me cracking up more. Macy’s cat was the size of a small truck and had the run of the house. If he didn’t like you, he showed you by hissing loudly, arching his back, and cornering you until you screamed for Macy to get him away.

  “True. Maybe I can convince Daniel to take one. You know how much he adores animals.” She was lying down, and the three puppies that weren’t on me were climbing all over her. We were in puppy heaven.

  We played like that for around half an hour before Peter and Josie came trotting back into the shed.

  “So, have you picked one yet?” Peter asked, amused at the sight of us sprawled out.

  “Awww, I want them all. It’s so hard to choose.” I was leaning toward one of the two I’d been playing with. They had both gravitated toward me, but one was slightly less prone to nipping my face than the other. I had to think of which one Justice would adapt to the most. There was a high chance he’d get pissed off if I took the one home that was a biter.

  Picking up the cute little boy that had a black patch of fur over one eye, I decided he would be the one.

  I nuzzled my face into his fur, and he burrowed into me, reveling in the affection.

  “This one,” I said, handing him to Peter so I could stand up. He walked over to the corner of the shed and picked up a metal animal cage the puppy would go in for the car ride home.

  Macy stood, and her three furry balls took to trying to jump up her legs. She hadn’t stopped cackling since I’d brought her. With all the tension from the last week, we had both really needed to laugh again, and visiting the puppies had certainly achieved that.

  Putting the cage down, Peter walked over to the edge of the fence and held out his arms so he could lift me out. I felt stupid, but it was the only way.

  “Thank you,” I gushed. “Justice is going to love him.”

  “Oh? He’s not for you?”

  “Well, not yet, anyway. We’ve got someone staying with us for a while, and he’s been through a rough time. I thought the puppy might cheer him up. We might end up keeping him if Justice can’t take him when he leaves.”

  “I heard something about your visitor. How’s that working out?” I could tell he didn’t like to say too much, which I was thankful for. I didn’t feel like talking about what had been going on.

  “We’re getting there. It’s nice to have an extra hand around the place.”

  “I’m sure it is. Tell your dad I said hi, and let me know how the pup settles in.”

  “I will.”

  Peter picked up the cage and began walking out to Macy’s car while we followed behind. The nerves began fluttering in my belly again. Justice might already be home, and I was arriving with a dog for him. I didn’t know how he would react.

  ***

  Macy agreed to stay for a while for moral support. Dad’s SUV was home, which meant Justice was too.

  The puppy hadn’t liked his first car ride and whimpered most of the way. It also smelled like he had urinated on the cloth blanket Peter had laid inside the cage, but I guessed that was to be expected.

  I looked to Macy. “How are we going to do this?”

  “You mean the surprise part?”

  “Yeah. Maybe you should go in first and scope the situation then come back out and get me. I want to make sure Justice is up to it.”

  Macy tossed her hair back, exited the car, straightened her shirt, brushing downwards to remove some of the dog hair and winked at me. “I’m on it.”

  She left me in the passenger seat, a ball of apprehension.

  Puppy whimpered. “It’s okay, buddy. You’ll be free soon. Then, you’ll have the run of the place.” He was going around and around in circles in the small cage, and as much as I hated seeing him so confined, I knew it wouldn’t be much longer.

  It was warm inside the car with the sun shining in on me, so I opened my door to let some of the cooler breeze waft in.

  I too was covered in dog hair and was probably getting it all over Macy’s seat, but it had been totally worth it to play with the little guys.

  After around five minutes, the front door opened and Macy came out, grinning. She motioned me out of the car and then walked over to fetch the cage.

  “How is he?” I asked, concerned.

  “Seems good to me. Damn, that boy is hot.”

  “Ugh, Macy, really? Were you flirting?”

  “Me? Never,” she evilly smiled, slamming the door a little too hard as she carried the cage toward the porch with me trailing behind.

  “Did he seem in an okay mood?”

  “He was in a Justice mood. Didn’t really say much.”

  “Oh.” A Justice mood. I was getting to know that so well. If he didn’t want the dog, I would keep it. One way or the other, the tiny ball of energy was becoming part of our family for now.

  We walked in through the living room, and Macy put the cage down. “They’re in the kitchen. You go through, and I’ll get this piece of cuteness out and walk in.”

  I really wanted to be the one to hand him over, but it was too difficult with my crutches, so I agreed to let Macy do it, as long as Justice knew that it had been my idea. I had to take some of the credit.

  The four guys were sitting around the kitchen table when I entered. Dad. Justice. Nate and Daniel.

  “Hey, Lil,” greeted Daniel, standing and giving me a friendly hug. “How’s the leg healing?”

  “It’s probably already mended, but I have to wear this damn cast for another month. It’s driving me crazy.”

  “I can imagine. Must be frustrating not being able to wrestle with those big cats.” He mussed up my hair, teasing me before looking out into the living room where Macy was waiting. I caught the adoring smile that lit his face when he saw her.

  Turning to Justice, I found him already stalking me with his beautiful eyes. “Hi.”

  Giving me acknowledgement with the slight assent of his head, he looked down at his hands on the table and quietly offered me a, “Hi.”

  I decided we needed to get the surprise over with so I could distance myself from Justice’s stare. Did he still blame me?

  Clearing my throat, I started, “Uh, so welcome home, Justice. I got you a present.”

  He lifted an eyebrow, the only sign he’d heard me. Dad shifted in his chair, probably wondering how it was all going to go down. After Justice’s two meltdowns, things could have gone either way.

  Turning to nod at Macy, she walked in, having removed the puppy from the cage. She headed over to Justice.

  “This was all Lil’s idea. She thought you might like some company while recovering.” Holding him out, Justice just looked at the puppy as if he didn’t know what on earth was happening or what he should do with it.

  I searched his face for a sign of anger, but it was blank.
/>
  “Go on,” urged Macy. “He won’t bite. Well, not hard, anyway.”

  Puppy was dangling in front of her waiting to be taken.

  I didn’t think he was going to reach out when he turned and drilled me with an expression of absolute confusion.

  I moved my head up and down to let him know that it was okay, and then he was turning back to Macy with his hands raised so she could carefully place the dog in his arms.

  “He’s a cutie,” remarked Nate.

  Puppy went berserk, sniffing and snuffling, attempting to climb his way up to Justice’s shoulder. We were all laughing at the dog’s effervescence. Justice himself was smiling and pulling him back down onto his lap. I was so happy I could have cried.

  “Hey, little guy,” said Justice, much to the surprise of all of us. “You’re a live wire, aren’t you? Hey? Yeah, you are.” He was rubbing under puppy’s chin, and the little dog was lapping it up, trying to turn his head to lick Justice’s hand in thanks.

  “Well, I for one have to get back to the rescue center. Phone’s probably been going crazy. Daniel, Nate, you boys want to go down the road and grab another three carcasses?”

  “Yep. Macy, you want to come?” asked Daniel, smacking her on the backside.

  She looked to me, then Justice, then back to me, a sparkle in her eyes. “Ah, yeah. Sure. You’ll be okay for a bit, Lil?”

  I was going to be alone with Justice. I had been going to get as far away from him as possible but everyone, it seemed, had deserted me, leaving me no choice but to stay. He was still in a fragile state of mind, and the doctor had recommended one of us stay with him at all times if possible.

  “Uh huh.” Truth was, I didn’t know. The last time we’d been alone in the house, things had happened. Bad things. I still had trouble using the bathroom without picturing him lifeless against the bath.