Discovering April

by Sheena Hutchinson

  “I see I’m going to have to pull out the big guns.” Coming up next to me, she grabs a black thong. “This is a thong. You see, this part goes—”

  “I know what a thong is, thank you!” I hiss, thoroughly embarrassed as I feel the stares from the other patrons around me.

  “Well, you look like straight missionary to me, hunny, so I was just—”

  “What?! Excuse me!” I pull my hands back from the bin to stare her right in the eye. “I’m not as missionary as you think,” I tell her grabbing a lacy, devil-red thong. “You’d be surprised!” I exclaim over my shoulder as I saunter over to another section.

  Ro follows, wide-mouthed. “I don’t believe you…” she announces to everyone in the new section, pointing a finger at me.

  “I don’t care if you believe me,” I keep walking, looking for something that catches my eye.

  “Okay, fine you win. I see holding that red thong is making you pretty ballsy.”

  I smirk over my shoulder in response.

  “Can I ask you a serious question?”

  I’m surprised she even knows how to ask; usually Ro seems to just dive right in. “Sure.”

  “What’s up with you and your neighbor? You can be honest with me. It’s just us now.”

  I freeze in my browsing and spin around to face her. “Honestly…? Well, honestly, I have no freakin’ idea.” I feel my shoulders slump, relieved that I finally said it out loud.

  “See, I knew you needed my—”

  “No, I mean I have no idea. One minute he’s sweet and taking me for a ride on the bike, then the next he’s dropping me home like I slashed his tires. I don’t know if he’s bipolar or he doesn’t want to give me the wrong impression, but he must like hanging out with me if he keeps asking to, right?”

  “How does he act? Has he kissed you yet?”

  “No, and when I was drunk I tried to make a move and he turned me down! He keeps telling me that I’m not the person he used to know. I keep thinking that maybe that’s the person he likes and the real me isn’t measuring up anymore.” My whisper turns out to be more of an excited statement.

  “Hmmm, honey I can find out for you,” she says, twisting her fingers through her brown curls at the side of her face.

  “How the hell are you going to find it out when I’ve been trying for weeks now?”

  “Trust me!” She winks and spins around to grab some turquoise babydoll off the hanger. “Now this, this is more my style.”

  “THIS ISN’T GOING TO WORK!” I mutter, looking up from my notebook.

  “Will you trust me?!” Ro peers one eye at me from her horizontal position across the top bleacher on the far side of the football field.

  “Fine,” I snicker back, returning to my homework.

  She starts to hum to herself as she lies there, pretending to soak up some autumn sun before the impending winter. In fact, we are both sneaking glances at the construction crew behind us as they work with such diligence. Actually, it’s a warm autumn afternoon and they are catching quite a lot of attention from the female student body because Jared, Eric, and Mack have resorted to taking their sweat-stained shirts off while they work today. We are sitting at the top row of the bleachers along with a few other groups of girls. One skank even had the audacity to bring a beach towel and set herself up behind us, trying to jive for someone’s attention. I can only guess who that could be; Jared is totally the hottest one. Besides, Eric is taken and Mack would crush any of us.

  All this fighting for attention is not my style. I’m sitting with my back against the post, looking out towards the football field as I finish up some homework. Trust me, Ro had said repeatedly, she better not make me regret this! This is not something new April, or childhood April would have done. Actually, childhood April would have probably been doing flips across the scaffolding below us.

  I catch some movement out of the corner of my eye. It looks like Ro’s little scarf – she has her hair up with today. Floating away with the wind, it tumbles through the air. Spinning once, I think it’s going to get stuck in a tree before the wind takes it the opposite direction and sends across the fence in the construction zone.

  Ro sits up immediately. “Oh, shucks!” She winks at me.

  So this was her plan. Smooth.

  She hops down the bleachers, catching a death glare from pretty much all of the other girls. She then struts up the slight incline and around the fence. Jared is the first to notice the floral print scarf stuck in the grass. I watch as he picks it up and hands it to Ro as she skips right up to him. I can’t make out what they are saying but Ro is obviously flirting: her eyes peering up at his, her stance, the way she brushes dirt off his shirt. A pang of jealously trembles through me. It takes everything in me not to hop off this bench and punch her in the face. She told me to trust her. Am I crazy? To trust her when I only just met her? Ro shifts her weight from side to side like she’s debating something, and I also happen to notice the way her body sways with it as if tempting him. Suddenly, they both simultaneously look over at the bleachers. No, no they look over at me! Busted, I think, shifting my eyes back to my homework, trying to look casual and not like I want them to both burst into flames. Just as quickly as it started, I see Ro making her way back to, me climbing up the bleachers.

  I hear the group of girls at the bottom giggle and snicker as she ascends to the top. Without missing a beat, Ro whips around.

  “What the hell are you laughing at? Huh? Sam—Your boyfriend is that way!” She points towards the football field as the boys begin to line up for drills.

  Climbing the last step, she assumes her position again, lying back against the metal bleacher. “Can you believe that whore? Laughing at me! Pshhh.”

  “Sooooooooo,” The anticipation is burning its way through me.

  “Relax, girl. He’s yours.”

  “What?!” I almost scream, dropping my notebook. It catches on the lower bleacher, saving me the embarrassment of having to climb all the way down to the grass.

  “SHHHH, stop being so obvious... I’ll tell you later,” she tells me, pretending not to move her lips and keeping her face towards the sky.

  Later feels like an eternity. We don’t have any classes together today, so she makes me wait until after school to finally hear what she has to say. I catch sight of her sitting at the top of the hill, continuing to soak up the sun, like her olive skin needs it or something. I practically run up to her and collapse beside her head before she finally sits up. We sit there, sharing her little blanket in silence when she finally starts in.

  “Girl, I was pulling out all the stops. I was flirting hardcore, twirling my hair. I touched him, told him he looked like he took good care of himself, I asked him what he was doing after work and he wasn’t having any of it. He was polite, but he wasn’t giving into anything I was putting out. When I asked him what he was doing after he got out, his reply was giving you a ride home. As if that was his plans for the whole night – just driving you home. I’ve never seen anything like it. When we both looked over at you— you were obviously staring at us. By the time he looked back to me, he was wearing the biggest smile. It was written all over his face.”

  “But I don’t understand. Why doesn’t he ask me out on a conventional date?”

  “Maybe he’s not conventional.” She shrugs, continuing her stare down the hill, probably scoping out her next victim.

  “Why doesn’t he make a move?” I refuse to let this conversation be dropped without more information.

  “Maybe he wants to get to know you first!”

  “He knows who I am. We’ve known each other for years!”

  “Yes, but you said he keeps telling you that you aren’t the girl he used to know… he’s getting to know you all over again. Maybe you should let him. Stop worrying about it so much and see where things go.”

  “You’re right. God, I hate you.”

  “No you don’t!”

  “You’re right … again. I owe you one! Thank
s, Ro, I needed to hear this.”

  “What are friends for?”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re coming on a little strong there, pal!”

  Before she has a chance to answer, I begin my walk down the hill as I hear the exhaust begin to make its presence known, coming around the bend.

  As Jared idles in the fire zone waiting for me, I continue my way up the walk. That’s when I hear it.

  “Oh, there goes Hunt’s leftovers.”

  “I hear she likes it rough, if you know what I’m saying!”

  “I hear…”

  “What? I would love to know what you hear, Todd!” I butt in, walking right into their circle, shutting them up at my boldness.

  “I was just gonna say that…”

  “Honestly, Todd, no one cares! We all know the only reason you got into this frat in the first place was because of your father. The only reason why you got into school was that half ass play last quarter of that one game in high school. You’ve never gotten a touchdown since. You’re dumb as rocks and I think I can speak for everyone here when I tell you: no one gives a flying fart in space what you think!”

  His friends snicker but they don’t back him up. I know they hate him just as much as I do; I’ve heard them talking about it. To flat out let a girl embarrass him in front of his brothers is definitely not a brotherhood I’d want.

  I turn to walk away when I hear him try to recover. “Oh yea… well, you’re a whore!”

  At the sound of his words I hear the bike shut off, but that’s only at the back of my mind. I’ve already turned around, using the momentum of the turn to spin into a right hook that meets Todd’s jaw. His head follows my fist before he collapses to the ground.

  “Who the hell do you think you are? What gives you the right to call a girl a—”

  I feel arms wrap around my waist and begin to pull me back as his frat brothers crowd around him. I’m screaming at him the entire way as Jared drags me back to the bike. He picks me up, places me on it, and snaps my helmet on for me. But he doesn’t pull his hands away when he’s finished buckling my head in. He pauses with his hands on my chin. I look up to meet his eyes, confused.

  “Now, that’s the girl I remember.” His mouth quirks up to the side in a part smile, half smirk that instantly dissipates my rage.

  In this moment, as Jared climbs on in front of me and we careen out of the parking lot, I realize something. I haven’t thought about Hunter since I started hanging out with Jared. I haven’t cried. I went on a rollercoaster, I stood up for myself … Jared is making me kind of a better person. One smile from him made my anger disappear like a feather on the wind. Either I’m in love with him or I’m in need of serious medication.

  AFTER HE DROPS ME off, I realize I need some more girl time. I text Ro and she graciously leaves her new man-friend to hang out with me at my house. Lying on the bed with Jinx next to her, she swats him right back when he keeps swinging his paw at her.

  “I can’t believe even his friends are going after me!”

  “They don’t have a brain inside their heads. How much you want to bet Hunter told them to make your life hell?”

  “I don’t think he cares. I mean, he’s moved on.”

  Ro gasps, leaning up from the bed in one swift movement. “We have to do a burning!” She jumps to her feet and grips my shoulders.

  “A burning?” I feel my eyebrow quirk upward.

  “Yea, you know, a purging of all old boyfriend stuff!”

  “I don’t think I have anything …”

  “Nonsense.” She punches my shoulder. “You were together forever! You probably have stuff you wouldn’t even think about!”

  “Like what?” I glance around my room.

  “Well, number one: gifts! Anything he has ever given you. Then comes clothes – anything he let you borrow or keep. Lastly, anything else you have that reminds you of him. If I touch anything in this room and you have a story to tell about him, it’s going in the fire.”

  “Where is this fire going to take place? I don’t have a fireplace or anything!”

  Her finger finds its way to her lips as she paces back and forth. “A metal trash can, outside!”

  “All mine are plastic…”

  “We’ll figure something out!” she calls, throwing a frame holding a picture of Hunter and me from a few years ago… when we were happy. “This! This is the first thing that goes!”

  Figure it out -- we definitely do. We find an old round grill in my garage that has become a museum of all my dad’s old tools. Ro practically squeals when she sees it and throws it over her shoulder as she heads out into the backyard. Walking into the sunshine from out from the shadow of the garage, I sneak a peek over towards Jared’s house. The lights are on in the kitchen, but that’s about all I can tell because his curtains are drawn. The backyard looks pretty today under the afternoon sun, with all the red and yellow leaves framing my perfectly square backyard outlined in a while picket fence.

  Mroow.

  Jinx has found himself a front row seat on the ledge of the back porch. Sometimes I swear he’s a living person and he can just tell when trouble is about to ensue. Maybe it’s his feline instincts; not that he’s ever tried to warn me, or help me, for that matter. Turning my attention back to Ro, I see that somehow she has gotten that old metal contraption working again and is dousing it with lighter fluid.

  “I think that’s enough. I don’t want the whole house to come down, too.”

  “Relax, I’ve done this a million times.”

  “A million?” I smirk before recovering. “Somehow, that doesn’t make me feel very reassured.”

  Spinning around, she gives me a look that tells me if I weren’t her only friend, she’d lay into me. Her eyes soften, like some thought comes to her mind, and she turns back to the fire. “Can I tell you something?”

  Her voice is hard to hear as the wind stirs up a pile of leaves in the corner of my yard.

  “It’s only fair; you know all my secrets!”

  Her brown eyes lock with mine again and this time, a small smile plays on her lips. “You’re the only girl friend I’ve been able to keep.”

  For some reason I find this hard to believe, but as I think about it, I don’t see Ro with other girls from school. She’s always hanging out with male classmates.

  “I know it’s not a surprise,” she says. “It’s just that I guess they see me as a threat.”

  “A threat?”

  “Well, don’t tell me you haven’t noticed I don’t really… restrict myself when it comes to men.”

  “Restrict? I guess that’s the nice way of putting it.”

  “Oh, shut up!” She punches my shoulder. “It’s just after …” She pauses, looking up towards the blue sky and I see her eyes glimmering a little.

  “Ro?”

  “I’ve never told anyone this before…”

  “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want…”

  “No, I think I can trust you. You don’t judge me like the others. April, you’re different.”

  I smile. “I think it’s because you’ll shank me if I do!”

  “And I will. That’s what happened to all the others!”

  We share a giggle before we have a seat on the back stairs. She maintains her eye contact with the growing fire as she begins her story. “My boyfriend in high school died in a car accident after a party. It was his fault. He was drinking and on his way to my house to make up after a fight we had just had.” She sniffles so low I almost miss it, but she collects herself and continues. “That’s why I don’t like to settle down. I don’t ever want to feel like that again. I don’t want to feel responsibility or emotions; I don’t want to fight. I just want to have fun.”

  “But Ro, what are you going to do – be single all your life? You don’t have any dreams of a family?”

  “I used to. I don’t know anymore. I think I’ll just deal with it as it comes.” Her head turns towards me, but her eyes still don’t mee
t mine. I think she’s ashamed.

  “I don’t think it was your fault. I don’t blame you for what you do, either.”

  “I know.”

  “No, I mean it. I was there. A break up is like a death. You have to figure out how to live without someone you cared for. And you go through all the phases of grief, too. Denial – this can’t be happening to you. Anger – you want him to pay! You want her to die a horrible death. Bargaining – you find yourself making excuses and bartering with God for things to go back to the way they were. Depression – that’s the worst one. That’s when it hits you that it’s really over. Things will never again be the same. And then finally – Acceptance. The last phase is when you close up so that no one can ever make you feel like that again. But, let me tell you, Ro when you finally find someone who does, it’ll hit you like a ton of bricks. You won’t know what hit you until it’s too late. Then they either have to accept you for your flaws or leave you broken, even worse than the way you were before.”

  Her dark eyes finally meet mine and I see what’s behind them. Fear. Ro is afraid of getting hurt again.

  “You just have to decide whether they are worth the risk or not.”

  “Is he worth the risk?” She nods towards Jared’s house.

  My eyes fly wide, my heart in my throat. She caught me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting that question. Glancing up towards the window with the vanilla curtains I know to be Jared’s bedroom, I take a deep breath.

  “I hope so.”

  She nods with a smirk on her face, one I can’t quite read. Slapping her knees she climbs to her feet. “Okay, lets get this burning on, shall we?”

  “Yes! Let’s purge me of the evil Hunter Adams!”

  “Fuck Jock-face tool-bag-Hunter!” Ro screams so loud, Jinx whines in protest.

  Walking up to the little fire we created, she hands me the photograph, victim #1. Holding it between my hands, I stare at it for a second. We look happy. I remember the day like it was yesterday; it was his sister’s 16th birthday. He told me he loved me for the first time. At that point in time, it seemed like a fairy tale. I thought he was my prince charming. My ears register the ripping of paper before my mind comprehends that I’m tearing the photo to shreds. I sprinkle the remaining scraps of photograph over the fire. The fire crackles as it grasps hold of the paper and destroys the face of Hunter that was still staring out at me with his happy smile. The smile he’s now giving to that girl who shall not be named.