The First to Know

by Abigail Johnson

  I cast a glance at Jessalyn, slumped dejectedly on the bench beside me. Most of the other girls had left by then.

  She looked up, tried to smile but couldn’t quite manage it. “I thought we were going to win, you know?”

  “Your boy,” I said, using her words for Nick, “looks like he thinks we did.” Nick was waiting by the stands, and when our eyes met, he gave me a tentative wave that I returned. I missed what we’d had, but I was grateful for what we were slowly rebuilding.

  Jessalyn glanced at Nick, and there was nothing tentative about the smile he gave her. He had a booming-loud voice when he chose to use it and had drowned out every other person at the game whenever Jessalyn was at bat—and a little for me too. Jessalyn smiled back at him. “He knows we lost, right?”

  “Yeah, but he won.”

  She turned her smile on me. “We didn’t suck tonight. That has to count for something.”

  I laughed a little. “I think it might have been your best game of the season,” I said. “I know Coach is already talking to colleges about you and Sadie.”

  “You too,” she said.

  I wrinkled my nose. “Probably not going to be fielding too many scholarship offers, but I’ll still get to play. Honestly, I think that’s all I want.” Selena was the star player in our family. I didn’t have the heat, and she didn’t have the heart. No doubt I’d feel torn up about that in the future and have to battle fresh resentment toward my sister, but that day and that game, I didn’t. Because as soon as all the trappings that went with a state game were over, I was once again scanning the stands...and this time, I saw them.

  My gaze stuck on the figures of Brandon and Chase, standing side by side to the far left of the bleachers. In a trance I walked toward Dad—he was on the field, passing on reassuring words and hugs to a couple of still-crying seniors, so he was still technically in coach mode, but I no longer cared about our rules and separate roles. The season was over, and the biggest moment of our lives was about to happen.

  “Dad.”

  He looked up, forlorn like a coach whose team had just lost the championship game.

  “He’s here.” I didn’t say who. He knew I wasn’t talking about some long-lost foster father.

  Dad turned so slowly. And if I hadn’t been right at his side, I’d have missed the way his knees buckled before locking again the moment he laid eyes on his son.

  I’d shown Dad pictures online, so there was no question as to which McCormick his gaze rested on. Mine, however, was torn between the two. I let myself look at Chase only briefly, silently thanking him for doing the impossible. Then I made myself look away before the tears I was holding back broke through. Nothing less than my brother meeting our father could have done it.

  The majority of the crowd had gone by then. A few tiny clusters remained here and there, but none near where Brandon and Chase stood.

  Mom and Selena met Dad and me at the base of the bleachers. Gavin was there too, but after looking at each of our faces, he suddenly got a leg cramp that he said he needed to walk out. By himself. On the opposite end of the field. I’d have to thank him for that later.

  We none of us said a word. I didn’t know what to do next, and based on the wide eyes of both Brandon and Chase, neither did they. So I moved. I tugged Selena’s arm, and the two of us, leaving Mom and Dad behind, crossed the dozen yards that separated us from our brother. A few steps away, we slowed, and Brandon, after a moment of hesitation, moved toward us in slow jerky steps, like he had to force himself to take each one. When we all stopped, no more than an arm’s length from each other, I had to blink to keep from tearing up. There we were, me and my sister and my brother, standing together without lies or deception between us. We all knew who we were. It was the genuine counterpart to the moment I’d failed to manufacture before. No one was scowling or yelling, and at least on my lips there was the tentative hint of a watery smile. In a few minutes, we’d turn and walk away and maybe that would be it. But that moment, fresh off the biggest loss of my life, when I should have been lower than I’d ever been, I couldn’t not smile.

  And it wasn’t just me. Selena had come of her own accord, and Brandon too. We all wanted and needed this. Uncertainty flickered in all our eyes, but not regret.

  “You came,” I said. My eyes were everywhere on his face, taking him in freely the way I hadn’t been able to before.

  “It’s just this once. I’m not—It can’t be more than tonight.”

  Something caught in my throat and I could feel my expression trying to crumble even as I nodded. I’d known that if he came at all, it would be only the one time.

  For his part, Brandon looked uncomfortable, but I thought that might have a lot to do with his own inner battle.

  “I’m so sorry for—” My words cut off. That list was long, too long for the time we had. I was sorry for ambushing him that first day at Jungle Juice, for exposing him to the most painful truth either of us would likely ever hear. I was sorry for the lies and hurt, not just to him but to Chase. I was sorry it had taken me so long to realize that far from making things better, my actions had caused more trauma. “I’m sorry for everything,” I said at last. “Except for you and this right now. And I know you’re leaving soon. Penn State.” I choked on the words—the distance they represented—and tried to cover it with a smile. I told myself it was better that he be gone and far away than close but still forever out of reach. “That’s great, it’s really great. I’m sure you’ll...” I was tiptoeing toward babbling when I felt Selena’s hand in mine. I squeezed back, never looking away from our brother. I wasn’t sure of anything, least of all Brandon. He was having a hard time meeting our eyes.

  “We’re not our parents,” Selena whispered, drawing both my and Brandon’s attention. She was squeezing my hand so hard that my knuckles were whitening under her grip. “We don’t have anything to do with choices that were made twenty years ago. It’s a mess, I know, but it’s their mess, not ours.”

  Her words did what mine couldn’t. Something shifted, maybe only for that moment in which we stood together. He stopped seeing our parents and just saw us. Brandon met my eye.

  “You played really well,” he said. And I felt a surge of elation at my brother’s praise. “You too,” he told Selena. “I didn’t get to tell you the other night.” He lifted one shoulder. “I play guitar a little too.”

  A tear slipped down Selena’s cheek. “I know. Funny, huh?”

  He almost smiled at her.

  It was the smile that undid me. It wasn’t like Dad’s exactly; it was like ours, mine and Selena’s.

  “Can I—?” I took half a step. “Can I hug you?”

  He took a very long time answering, so long that I had to lower the arm I’d lifted when I’d asked. But then he nodded. I hoped he could feel everything in that embrace. It was wonderful and terrible and it was over way too soon.

  Selena turned away first, covering her mouth as she hurried back to Mom. I stayed a second longer. Brandon’s eyes glistened in the stadium lights as they shifted beyond me. I was looking in his face when he met Dad’s gaze. I knew that was my cue. It was so much harder to walk away from him than I thought it would be, but I did it. I retraced my steps to where Selena stood with our parents. When I reached them, I intended to take Mom and Selena aside with me, to give Dad and Brandon the private moment they both needed. Selena came willingly, but Mom, whose eyes had never once left Brandon’s face, stopped me.

  “Wait,” she said. Then she walked purposefully toward Brandon. Brandon had no idea what to expect from the woman whose husband had fathered him. She might have been approaching him to spit in his face for all he knew. But I wasn’t surprised when she hesitated for the tiniest second before wrapping him in her arms.

  It was a quick hug. Brandon barely had time to respond, either by stepping back or returning the embrace. W
hen she pulled back, she was nodding and at that stage right before someone starts to weep openly. She raised a hand to his head.

  “You look just like my girls.” Her breath came out in a half sob but she smiled up at him. “I’m saying this because I want you to hear it and believe it. You will always be welcome in my home. Okay? Okay.” She nodded as she turned back to Dad, releasing Brandon only to catch his hand and lead him back to Dad. “This is my husband,” she told Brandon. And then to Dad, “And this is—” A sob hit her hard. “This is your son.” She missed Brandon’s flinch at the word son, but Dad didn’t. She smiled through the tears, or she tried to, glancing between the two, before coming to join me and Selena, gathering us both as tightly as she had Brandon.

  My vision was a blur from my own unshed tears as I watched them. There was no embrace or tears. They stared at each other, knowing they weren’t afforded the same emotional freedom that Mom and Selena and I were. They were father and son, but that relationship was predicated on events that neither could ever view without remorse on Dad’s part and likely some level of animosity on Brandon’s. They were bonded by an affair, and that could never be erased. Dad knew it; Mom too. Maybe that was part of the reason she’d hugged him, knowing her husband never could. Though I knew that when she saw Brandon, she didn’t see only the results of the affair. She saw a motherless boy who looked so much like her own children that she couldn’t stop herself from tearfully embracing him.

  They were of a height, Dad and Brandon, and similar build. They had the same eyebrows too—the left one twitched when they were struggling with intense emotions. I think I could have watched them endlessly, but Brandon appeared to be approaching his limit. His shoulders had begun creeping up and his hands were shoved deep in his pockets. Dad took in all those signs too and didn’t waste what little time they had with small talk.

  “Did you have a good life?”

  Brandon’s answer was instant and showed none of the tension I saw in his posture. “The best.”

  “Good, that’s good.”

  They both seemed to realize the captive audience a few feet away, so when Dad asked Brandon if he wanted to walk with him to the dugout in order to retrieve a forgotten ball, Brandon agreed.

  I don’t know what they said to each other during those few private minutes, but it was clear from the handshake they shared before walking back that it was something neither would ever forget.

  There were only five people left at the field by then. Dad and Brandon didn’t return together. Brandon hung back. Maybe he couldn’t handle passing us again. I understood the reasoning. I felt so emotionally raw, happy and sad at the same time. Happy because we had this, all of us together. I got to see my brother and it wasn’t horrible. I got to watch him meet Dad. Sad because it was already over. I wouldn’t ask him to see us again, and he wouldn’t seek us out. He’d said he wouldn’t risk hurting the only man he’d ever call Dad.

  Maybe he’d catch Selena on the radio someday. Maybe he’d watch me play in a real stadium. Maybe we’d get to see him rocket into space.

  Or maybe we’d all be in the same coffee shop someday. We could sit at the same table and... Maybe.

  It felt good to think about a maybe somewhere in the future when we couldn’t have a now.

  It also felt good because when Dad reached us, Mom took his hand in both of hers.

  And because when Selena saw me glancing back toward Chase, she pressed Gavin’s car keys into my hand.

  “Stay. Talk to him. We’ll ride with Mom and Dad.”

  Chapter 50

  Walking toward Chase, I knew I wouldn’t say the right things to him. I hadn’t been able to the two previous times I’d seen him, and with my emotions so heightened from seeing Brandon with Dad, I had no chance. And really, there was no right thing to say. I’d accepted that even while it crushed me. But I’d just had what was likely to be the most bittersweet moment of my life, and Chase was the reason it had happened. I knew he couldn’t hear another apology from me, but I was hoping he’d hear a thank-you.

  “I’m sorry about your game,” he said when I stopped in front of him.

  I waved off the comment. Losing was the last thing on my mind in that moment. “Is he waiting for you?” I didn’t look in Brandon’s direction, but it was clear who I meant.

  “He already went to the car. He probably needs a few minutes.”

  Something like panic crawled up my spine. A few minutes. It wasn’t enough, but I let myself look at him for a few seconds, his face and his eyes, storing up for the famine that would come when he left. One last bit of selfishness before I lost him too.

  “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tell you what you did for me tonight. Getting Brandon to come, getting to hug my brother and feel him hug me back.” I clutched at my uniformed chest, imagining that I could still feel that embrace. “I didn’t think I would ever get to do that. So thank you.”

  Chase started to open his mouth, but I wasn’t done. He had to let me say it all.

  “My sister got to hug him too and hear him say she sang and played well. You can’t know what that means, but thank you. And my mom—” I clamped my mouth shut until I could steady my voice again. “I didn’t know what she was going to do if she saw Brandon—I don’t know if she knew—but she got to love him. I know it was only for the briefest of moments, but he got to feel that. You did that.”

  Chase’s eyebrows drew together, not in anger, but like he was focusing hard on something. I kept going, knowing once I stopped, I wouldn’t be able to get the rest out.

  “My dad—my dad got to shake hands with his son, face-to-face. A son he didn’t know he had until two weeks ago. And Brandon got to meet his father. I don’t know what that means to him, but it has to mean something. He won’t have to wonder, about any of us. And if he ever decides to tell his dad about us, we’ll be more than names. Chase, I don’t know what you said to convince him to come here tonight...” I inhaled a shaky breath as I ran out of words.

  “I didn’t.”

  His bald answer caught me up short, but Chase went on before I could say anything.

  “I was still figuring out if I was going to say anything to him when he came over to get some stuff to take to college and he saw the garage. It’s not empty, but we can park both cars in it again.”

  “Really?” I said, a smile lifting my voice despite everything else. I’d somehow found room to worry about his mom and what Brandon’s early move would mean to her and Chase. I needed every victory I could get, and that was a big one for them, and somehow for me too.

  “Really. I told Brandon about us going through it, about you helping me and what you said after my mom started to lose it. She’s the only person in my life I have a problem being direct with. You helped me find a way to say what I needed in a way that she could hear. That’s why he let me tell him about you, about his sister,” Chase said. “So I didn’t convince him to show up today. You did.”

  He wasn’t there anymore, but I turned to where I’d last seen Brandon walking across the empty field. Something tight in my chest loosened. There was plenty of bad that Chase could have told Brandon, especially now that he knew how I’d lied to him, but I knew he hadn’t. Happy tears stung my eyes hearing that Chase had given my brother something of me to take with him, since I’d been unable to do that myself. It was yet another kindness I didn’t deserve.

  “It’s the best thing anyone has ever done for me, for my family.” I faced Chase again. “Thank you.”

  His response was a sad smile. Just his mouth lifting a little on one side, and his eyes ever on mine.

  I should have stopped then. Left it at thank you and walked away. But I couldn’t, not when this was my last chance with him too. Even if it changed nothing—especially if it changed nothing—I had to tell him the truth.

  “At the coffee shop
, you asked me if it was always about Brandon, you and me. At the time, I thought any answer I gave you would be me making excuses for myself, but there aren’t any—there’s just the truth. The day I met you was the worst day of my life. I had just come face-to-face with proof of my father’s infidelity and discovered a brother who couldn’t stand to look at me. You weren’t supposed to be part of it, but you were. You were nice to me, and without realizing it, you offered me something that I couldn’t walk away from: a chance to know my brother. But, Chase, from that very first night, it was more than that—you were more than that.” My eyes swam looking at him, but I didn’t let any tears fall. “I wish I could go back to before.”

  The muscles in Chase’s face kept twitching. “Before what?”

  “Before I knew how much losing you would break my heart. Before I knew I’d still rather do that than break any part of yours.”

  Chase’s silent response was profound. He didn’t move or sigh or give me any indication that he’d even heard me. Which, I guessed, was the only response I was going to get. I sucked in a shaky breath.

  “Everything I felt for you was real. For me, it’s still real, but I only meant to say thank you. This, tonight, with Brandon and my family. It was a good thing, and it wouldn’t have happened without you.” I was going to turn away then, but something stopped me. One last thing I needed to thank him for. “I only got to know him a little, but I know you. Chase, you are the kindest, most selflessly amazing person I’ve ever known. I’m glad that my brother has you. For the rest of his life, I get to know that.” I tilted my head as I raised a shoulder, a light gesture that was completely at odds with how heavy I felt.

  I did turn away then. I had to. If I had to look into his eyes for one more second, I’d break. I didn’t run to Gavin’s car, but I wanted to. I kept my head and my eyes straight ahead as I crossed the parking lot. All of it. All of it. Weeks and weeks of frayed nerves and emotional battering were hitting me hard. I got to meet my brother and see my whole family embrace him. I got to leave him knowing he was returning to a loving family of his own, which was more that I’d ever dreamed possible in this situation. On top of that, my own family was at home waiting for me, together. My parents were still going to be my parents, together. My sister was going to smile when she saw me instead of look away. We were going to shed more tears over this night and the events that preceded it, but we’d do that together. And if I looked into our future, I could see the four of us—five if Gavin stuck around, which might not be the end of the world—together. It was greedy of me to want more, but I did. I wanted the guy I’d walked away from. It was all I could do not to look back and steal one last glimpse of him.