The Real Deal

by Warren, Alexandra

  “First of all, you don’t even have an album out yet so I know you aren’t making that damn much. Second of all, I don’t know if I really wanna see that side of you. I prefer the real you, not the celebrity one.”

  “They’re one in the same,” I assured her, as I lifted her hair to check the back of her neck.

  “But they’re not. When you become G. Griffey, you’re all… roughneck sex symbol, and arrogant, and whatever else rappers do. But when you’re Gavin, you’re nice, and considerate, and… normal.”

  I turned her around, smashing her against the bathroom counter as I replied, “Just like when you’re Reagan, you’re sexy, and silly, and fun to be around. And when you’re Ms. Reagan, you’re tough, and arrogant, and whatever else boss ladies do. But you know what? Maybe it’s not about me being the real me. Maybe it’s about you being the real you.”

  “The real me? What’s that supposed to mean?”

  I had become well-versed on both sides of Reagan. And though I could appreciate them both for different reasons, I knew there were chapters of her story that were unnecessarily being cut out.

  So as I lifted her onto the counter and settled in between her thighs, I explained, “I just know there’s gotta be more to you than slavin’ at that community center all day and night. You’re still young, Reagan. You should be having fun; not letting the prime of your life pass you by.”

  Her arms were around my neck as she fired back, “And you think by coming on this… adventure with you, somehow I’ll be doing just that?”

  “I know it, sweetheart. I mean, at least you’ll be with me. That’s gotta be worth something, right?”

  “Eh… maybe,” she teased.

  “Reagan, just give it a chance. If you don’t like it, I’m sure the community center will take you back with open arms. But if you do like it, you might as well start picking out wedding dresses or somethin’.”

  “Wedding dresses?”

  “Yeah, wedding dresses. Cause if you can hang, I definitely gotta marry your ass.”

  Reagan

  I can’t keep up.

  That’s all I could think about as I sat in the studio with Gavin at three in the morning on a Tuesday, struggling to keep my eyes open. By now, I would’ve long been showered and in bed. And even if I couldn’t sleep, my body would’ve at least been some level of calm. But in the studio, the music was too loud, the haze from the smoke was too thick, and the company was too active.

  It didn’t make sense to me how we had been up since five in the morning running around town between photoshoots, and interviews, and meetings with the label. Yet Gavin still managed to have enough energy to record songs; enthusiastically record songs. He was all in, eyes closed as he rapped the lyrics of a song I’d vaguely heard him practicing earlier in the car between activities. But at the time, my eyes were closed as I tried to take advantage of the short stint of peace and quiet.

  As I looked around, I was grateful that instead of completely quitting my job, I had used my couple of weeks of vacation time to give things a test run. Of course there were some enjoyable moments, and it was cool to see what Gavin did on a daily basis. But more often than not, it felt like work, even for me as I tagged along. I guess since I was present, Gavin felt the need to include me in stuff I honestly wanted no parts of like visions for his pending tour, and outfit choices for his upcoming events. I could appreciate him valuing my opinion, but I was more than fine being in the background of the operations; even now as he called out to me from the recording booth.

  “Reagan, how’d that sound? Should I do it over?”

  I hadn’t even been paying close enough attention to answer honestly, so instead I just gave him a thumbs up. And apparently that wasn’t good enough as he asked Caleb to run it back.

  I readjusted in my spot on the couch, my arm being my saving grace in holding my head up when some random girl came and settled in next to me. I tried my best to ignore her, but she took it upon herself to start a conversation anyway.

  “You must be super proud of him. I mean, he’s really making shit happen.”

  “Yeah. Very proud.” Maybe by being short with her, she’d take the hint in leaving me alone.

  She didn’t.

  “You know… it’s fascinating to me how loyal he is to you. I mean, I’m around these guys quite a bit, so I’ve seen them all do their share of dirt. But not Gavin. Gavin keeps a clean record. Squeaky clean.”

  I nodded as I told her, “Good to know.”

  There was a silence between us for awhile, so much so that I had become hopeful that she was actually gonna leave me alone.

  But that hope was short-lived as she tossed out, “What’s your secret? How do you keep his attention? I mean, clearly it’s not your looks.”

  This bitch…

  Sure I wasn’t looking like a beauty queen after a 22-hour day, but who did? And the environment at studio was completely casual, this random broad being the only one dressed up while the rest of us had on t-shirts and jeans.

  So I held back my attitude, instead giving her a sarcastic smirk as I explained, “I suppose it’s my honesty. I’m not hiding behind a head full of weave, a truckload of makeup, and a sheet of silicone injections. My life mission is not to please Gavin, it’s to be his woman, to be supportive, all while still being myself. I don’t need a trick to keep his attention. I do it naturally.”

  And just when I felt like I had served this bitch, she gave a little laugh and said, “No, really… what’s your secret?”

  I cocked my head to the side, trying to figure out if she was serious. And when she didn’t budge, I knew it was time to excuse myself. I wasn’t in the hall for more than a minute before Gavin came out with a concerned look on his face.

  “What’s the matter, Reagan? Is everything okay?”

  I had my back against the wall and my eyes closed as I answered, “I’m just… tired. And when I’m tired, I get cranky. And when I get cranky, I’m tempted to slap some sense into clueless bitches like that girl in the engineering room.”

  Gavin had the nerve to laugh, peeling me from the wall and pulling me into a hug. “Reagan, chill. I know Ciara isn’t the smartest chick in the bunch, but that’s Caleb’s little… friend. So I can’t exactly get rid of her.”

  “You don’t have to get rid of her, Gavin. Just tell her to leave me alone. If she wants to keep all of her teeth, that is.”

  He laughed again even though I was dead ass serious. “Damn, sweetheart. She’s bothering you that much?”

  I pulled away from him so that I could see his face when I answered, “She basically asked me how do I manage to be some ugly bitch and still keep your attention.”

  Gavin’s face scrunched as he replied with more confusion than anything, “Ugly? You and I both know you’re far from ugly, Reagan.”

  “But I’m not some 34-24-36 model either.”

  “And that’s exactly why I love you. I don’t want some stupid ass model. I want you. The girl that instead of trying to impress me at every turn, is forcing me to impress her. To be on my shit for her. To do better for her. And besides, you’re way sexier than any model I’ve ever seen.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You’re supposed to say that, Gavin.”

  His tone turned serious as he tilted my chin up so that I was forced to meet his eyes. “Well it’s the truth, sweetheart. I love you. All of you. Exactly how you are. Now let me go wrap up in the studio real quick and then we can head to the hotel. Deal?”

  “Deal,” I answered with a nod.

  I only let him get a few steps away before I called out to him. And when he turned around, I let out a satisfied sigh before I told him for the very first time, “I love you too.”

  &

  “Reagan, wake up. We gotta get goin’.”

  It honestly felt like I had just fallen asleep as Gavin literally shook me awake. And when I finally rolled over and peeked at the clock with one eye open, I realized it was true; that I had only been asleep for a
little over two hours.

  “Gavin, you have got to be shittin’ me. There’s no way I’m getting out of this bed already,” I whined as I grabbed the comforter and pulled it over my head.

  But the darkness didn’t last long as he pulled it right back. “Reagan, I gotta be at the studio in an hour and I know if you don’t get up now, there’s no way you’ll be ready by then.”

  Through squinty eyes I suggested, “Just give me 10 more minutes. I’ll save time on the backend by throwing my hair in a ponytail.”

  “Nah, Reagan. I need you to look your best today. A few of the label’s execs are planning on dropping by the studio, so everything has to be on point. You included.”

  Something about the way he said it lit a fire under me that forced me to sit up. “Are you trying to say I don’t look on point with a ponytail? Cause if that’s the case, I’ll just stay here at the hotel, or fly home, or...”

  He cut me off. “No, Reagan. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I just need you to have some of that… “shit on everybody” energy you had the way you did for the wedding.”

  “But I’m not trying to impress anybody.”

  “Wait. So you went out of your way to impress a nigga that didn’t want you, but won’t do me a favor by gettin’ just a little put together?”

  I wanted to be offended, but he actually had a point. I mean, even though Michael kinda wanted me, I had certainly made it a point to shit on him and his wife at the wedding. But that fact wasn’t enough to stop me from firing back, “Oh, so now I’m not put together?”

  He let out an exhausted sigh, holding his hands up with his eyes closed before finally replying through clenched teeth, “Reagan… I don’t need this shit today. You wanna wear a ponytail? Fine. I don’t care.”

  I pulled the covers back and climbed out of bed just so I could get in his face and tell him, “You give up too easily.”

  “What?”

  “The power struggle. You gave up after like… a few exchanges. Way too easily.”

  He let out a laugh that was more edgy than friendly, swiping his face before he asked, “What you want me to do? Slap you upside your head and force you to flat iron it? I got more important shit to worry about than your hair, Reagan.”

  “Oh. But just a minute ago, my hair was the most important thing about me.”

  He sighed a, “Fuck, Reagan. I’m not in the mood to go back and forth with you, alright? Just... do what you gotta do and meet me downstairs in the lobby.” Then he left the room without even a peek back.

  I was stunned, giving the hem of my t-shirt a tug as I tried to reason myself right.

  But I wasn’t.

  It was a simple request and I had been difficult about it for no reason other than the fact that I was crabby about running off of a couple hours of sleep. There was definitely an honest conversation that needed to be had about this whole… lifestyle switch.

  But right now, my focus was on shittin’ on people in Gavin’s honor.

  Gavin

  “Hey. You ready to go?”

  I peeked up from my phone to a girl I hardly recognized. I mean, of course I recognized her, but I hadn’t seen her like this in… damn, since the wedding.

  Reagan looked good.

  Too damn good.

  So damn good that it would’ve really been in my best interest to leave her here instead of bringing her around a crowd of thirsty ass niggas at the studio.

  But it wasn’t only about the look. It was the fact that she had actually listened to my request, even if it did come with a bunch of useless bickering. I usually didn’t even engage in that shit, but the impending visit from my bosses in the studio had me all shook up. I knew I had been on point as far as the album was coming. But having them listening in as I worked had me… anxious; though my heart was now racing for new reasons as I looked at my girl.

  I had to gain my composure before I stood up to join her. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

  She smiled as if she could read my feelings before she led the way outside to the car. Caleb was already inside, on his phone as usual. But once he heard the door open, that got his attention… and held his attention as he gave Reagan a shameless onceover.

  “Damn, Reagan. You look… great,” he pushed out as he flashed his eyes back to me, checking to see if I was offended. I gave him a nod to let him know he was good as I helped Reagan into the backseat.

  “Thanks, Caleb. Just trying to look the part,” she tossed out as she buckled her seatbelt.

  I couldn’t tell if she being sarcastic or not, so I quickly assured her, “Sweetheart, I would’ve been fine with the ponytail. I told you that already. You look good regardless.” In all honesty, I preferred Reagan with messy hair, wearing sweatpants and one of my t-shirts. Not that I didn’t appreciate her getting all dolled up, but I didn’t want that to get twisted into me preferring this over the real, everyday her.

  “No, I know. But this isn’t about looking good regardless; this is about doing you a favor. I mean, we’ve been doing them since the beginning. Why stop now?”

  Even though Caleb didn’t know the full meaning of what she was talking about, he still managed to chime in, “Ewww, man. I’m not tryna hear about ya’ll doin’ each other favors. I’ve already heard plenty of that shit back at the crib.”

  We both laughed as I leaned over to Reagan and whispered, “We good?”

  She nodded her head, giving me a goofy smile as she answered, “For now.”

  &

  I shook hands with each of the execs one-by-one, wishing them well as I sent them on their way. The past couple hours had been gruesome as I was forced to find a renewed source of energy to deliver each of the tracks I had worked on in the past few weeks. Thankfully they were impressed enough to only have a few questions, mainly about how soon I could finish the album so they could begin working on a promotional tour. And while the news of that was exciting, it was also exhausting. I had been busting my ass for what honestly already felt like forever, and according to them this was only the beginning. So I’d just have to suck it up.

  The second the elevator door closed, it felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. But it was put right back on as Caleb jumped on my shoulder and said, “Bro, you killed that! Them execs were beside themselves listenin’ to you flow.”

  “Yeah, I’d be beside myself too if I saw a cash cow rappin’ live.” I knew that was the real reason they were so in tune. My skills were their opportunity to cash in and though I couldn’t blame them, that part of the deal would never not be hard to swallow.

  My exhaustion must’ve been clear as Caleb suggested, “Look, how about you take a break, chill out with Reagan for a minute, and then we’ll get back to it in about an hour or so? I have some phone calls to make and Zalayah’s camp is supposed to be sending me the final cut of the video.”

  I rolled my eyes, knowing that wasn’t exactly good news. While the video shoot hadn’t been as racy as I imagined it to be, there were still some shots that I had a feeling Reagan wouldn’t be too pleased with. And even though I had already warned her about it, seeing it for herself was surely gonna reopen the wound.

  Still, I took Caleb’s advice and headed back into the engineering room to find Reagan already sleep on the couch. I was honestly impressed that she had managed to stay awake during the whole visit, but I suppose that was part of the favor. The favor that I’d have to return in a major way.

  Instead of waking her completely, I sat down next to her and pulled her into my chest. She shuffled a little bit before she found a comfortable spot, sighing herself further against my body.

  Suddenly everything felt at peace.

  I wasn’t worried about the album, or the label, or the video. I was in the moment with her - the real her -, the one that I had met by chance and fallen in love with by choice. The one that had stole my heart with every witty remark she spewed my way. The one that didn’t always make a whole lot of sense, but made herself believe otherwise just be
cause she was strong-minded. The one that I could listen to rattle on and on about shit I really didn’t care about, but made myself care about just because it was important to her.

  I gave her a lingering kiss to her forehead, hoping that was enough to transfer my feelings to her subconscious before I dozed off to sleep right with her.

  Reagan

  “I’ve never been happier to be home in my life.”

  Gavin laughed even though I was dead serious as we strolled into my apartment together. I didn’t even have enough strength to carry my own suitcase and apparently he didn’t either as he dragged it down the hall to my bedroom. I plopped down on the couch, suddenly grateful for it’s overused feel that reminded me of home.

  Because this was home.

  Not the road, or the hotels, or the studio.

  This was where I belonged.

  And I wasn’t sure how Gavin would take that.

  We still hadn’t talked about if I was going to quit my job, but I knew my answer was a strong no. While I had enjoyed being around Gavin more than I had been since he had gotten signed, I missed my normal everyday routine including working at the center. I missed having a purpose bigger than myself in working with the kids. I missed… sleeping in the same bed every night.

  So when Gavin joined me on the couch, I knew I had to get that off of my chest before it exploded. But he didn’t make things any easier as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder, pulling me into what also felt like home against his chest.

  We sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments before Gavin said, “Spill it, Reagan.”

  “Huh?”

  “I know something is on your mind. So spill it.”

  I released a deep breath, trying to figure out how to explain myself. “Gavin, I just…”

  He cut me off before I could even put it nicely. “You’re not about that life.”

  “Huh?”