When Loyalty Dies, So Does Love

by Dorothy Brown-Newton

  I stood and removed my bra and panties. I let his eyes roam over my nakedness for a few seconds before I got on my knees, pulled down his zipper, and released his penis through the slit of his boxers. Rellz’s dick always made my mouth water; it was so fucking enticing and always reminded me of milk chocolate, the kind that melted in your mouth. I put the tip of his dick in my mouth and rotated my tongue, just teasing him a little. Once I put my mouth around his entire dick, I held both of my cheeks in, creating a tighter grip on his dick, and sucked him like I would suck a lollipop or my thumb. My lips closed around him, and I used my tongue and the roof of my mouth to suck, as if my mouth were a suction cup.

  I knew those toes of his were curled up in his boots, because his eyes were damn sure rolling to the back of his head. I knew he was on the verge of coming, and when he did, I did something that I never did. I swallowed every damn drop. Rellz was immobile for a second but recovered quickly, like my baby always did. He came up out of those clothes with the quickness. I positioned myself back on his lap, and he entered me. The fit was perfect. I rotated my hips with a little bounce, and at the same time, I rode him. I was doing dance moves to a love song that I believed only the two of us could hear, because he was definitely in sync with my movements. I came hard.

  I got up slowly and got in position; I was ready for my man to bang the pussy up real good. I tightened my pussy muscles as he pumped in and out of me. He was hitting my damn spot and had me screaming in a foreign language that I didn’t even understand, but I was saying, “Fuck me harder, baby,” because that was what I wanted him to do. He obliged, so I guessed we understood each other. We became one that night, and I knew without a doubt we were going to be okay. The lies, secrets, and deceit weren’t stronger then the bond of unconditional love. That night Rellz told me everything from beginning to end about how he had hooked up with my sister and she had got pregnant. I was scared and nervous and just knew I was going to die when it was my turn to confess my disloyalty. To my surprise, he sat and listened as I told him everything—well, almost everything. He didn’t say a word, he just listened, and when I was done, I couldn’t stop my tears.

  I got the shock of my life when he told me he already knew. He said Turk had written a letter and had given it to his lawyer. In the letter Turk apologized, told him why he had done what he did, and asked for him to forgive him. Rellz said he had been upset and had planned to find some way to get him touched, but as he had sat and thought about it, he had realized that he couldn’t do it. Even though Turk wasn’t his blood brother, he was still his brother, and Rellz said he couldn’t take his life over something that could be replaced. I cried, thinking about my own sister. I really felt like shit. I must say that I loved this man, and I damn sure respected him for being the man who had shown me the true meaning of unconditional love. He told me that I didn’t have to explain my reasoning; he understood why I had done what I did. We both agreed that it would be a long road to travel when it came to trust, but we were willing to take that ride together. I had never cried so much in my life as I cried that night.

  * * *

  On Monday morning, after I dropped the girls off at school, I decided to go and talk to my mother, because I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Even though things had worked out with Rellz, I couldn’t say that the confession that I was about to make to my mother wouldn’t have me placed under arrest, but I needed to go to my mother. I needed her right now. When I got to her house, she was in her favorite spot—at the kitchen table, where she was drinking tea. I sat down, and she rambled on about Jason not being at my dad’s birthday party and how he was missing in action. I wanted to say, “Mom, just listen,” because I was losing my focus and my courage, so I cut her off.

  “Mom, I came over here to talk to you about something.” I had already started to cry. I tried to be strong, but the tears fell.

  “What is it, baby?” she asked, clearly alarmed.

  “Mom, the night I went to Tressa’s house to help her with the planning of Jason’s coming-home party, I found out that her son was Rellz’s son. She didn’t tell me in so many words, but she was hinting. When I saw a picture of RJ, I knew he was Rellz’s son.” I started choking up and had to take a few slow breaths before I could continue.

  “Mom, I was the one who had Tressa killed and had it look like it was a revenge hit, like someone trying to get at Jason because of the robbery. Mom, please believe me when I say that I acted out of haste, because I felt betrayed and was jealous. I’m so sorry, Mom.”

  By this time I was crying so hard and loud, I was thankful that Kane and my dad were at the doctor’s office for my dad’s follow-up appointment. Mom just sat quietly for a few minutes before she spoke, and when she did, hers was not the kind voice of a God-fearing woman. It was the voice of the devil.

  “Well, you are your mother’s child.” I had a confused look on my face, which she ignored as she continued to speak. “Tressa’s mom was my best friend, and she went behind my back and slept with your father for years. She had baby after baby, and because I loved your father, even knowing what I knew, I stayed with him. When that bitch pushed out a third child by him, something in me snapped. I had the bitch killed and raised her children as if they were my own. There was no way I was going to sit back and let this scandalous bitch, who I loved like a sister from another mother, continue to taunt me by fucking my man and having his children without a care in the world for me and my feelings.”

  She gave a deep sigh and then went on. “Being that your dad wasn’t man enough to leave her alone and I wasn’t woman enough to leave him alone, I did what was best to keep my family together. So wipe those tears off your face. In life, we make decisions that we have to live with. Do I regret what I did? All I can say is at the time I didn’t, because I was always taught not to let anyone walk over me knowingly and get away with it. I have since asked my God for forgiveness, and I’m at peace. My crime will go with me to the grave. Those words you spoke today, never speak them again. Only God can judge you, so the only time you repeat what you told me is when you are on your knees, asking your Lord and Savior for forgiveness. Do you hear me, child?”

  I couldn’t answer. I sat there in shock, not believing what my mom had just confessed. She got up, and her voice returned to normal as she poured herself another cup of tea and sang, “I love you, Lord, and I lift my voice to worship you. Oh, my soul, rejoice in what you hear! Let it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear.”

  As she sang, I continued to sit there, letting the tears fall, as I asked for forgiveness for all my sins, and I cleansed my soul for the second time. If I didn’t learn much that day, at least I did learn that I was my mother’s child. And I also learned that just like she knew early on about Rellz being RJ’s father, she knew before I ever uttered a word that I had had my sister killed. She didn’t know the details, but she said my eyes told the same story her eyes had told all those years ago.

  Rellz

  When Tasha got home that evening, she seemed bothered by something, so once the kids were asleep, I sat her down. I reminded her that we were moving forward, and that if something was in fact bothering her, she needed to speak on it and not walk around being distant. I told her that all that her holding things inside was going to do was cause an issue in our relationship again, but I wasn’t prepared for what came out of her mouth. I didn’t know how to respond, and I damn sure didn’t know how to feel. I sat quietly and thought about it for a few seconds.

  I could tell she was relieved when all I said was, “Next time, come to me. You left a witness out there who has to be dealt with.” Shit. Who was I to judge? I had killed and would continue to kill if I was betrayed or my hand was forced. She had done what she felt she needed to do at the time. No, she was not built for that life, because her plan hadn’t been well thought out, and she had left room for that shit to come back to her. The second mistake she had made was not following a basic rule, which was never to love someone more than you loved yourself. A
lthough I had asked her what was wrong, she shouldn’t have confessed this to me. That shit was supposed to go with her to the grave.

  I knew guilt and remorse played a part in her telling me. I loved her enough to make the shit right and to protect her to the fullest, but baby girl had a lot to learn. She needed to know that you didn’t do the crime if you couldn’t do the time, that you never left witnesses, and that you had to take that shit to the grave. I also schooled her on the rule that if you had to take a life or commit a crime, you had to plan that shit to a tee and do that shit yourself. I learned something that day too: never underestimate anyone. I would have never thought she was capable of having someone killed, and her sister at that. As many times as I had hurt her, she could have easily taken my life by now.

  Tasha lay back on the couch and closed her eyes, trying to get rid of all her stress from the day. I grabbed her foot to help her along with a nice foot massage. It always relaxed her and put her to sleep. I put the television on and found a sports channel as I continued to rub her feet, but I was in deep thought as well. I thought about my son’s future and the future of Tressa’s daughters. I knew what I needed to do, and I was ready to make it happen soon. I knew that I needed to go to Tasha’s mom’s house and have a talk with both of her parents and her brothers.

  I called up Kane the next day, told him what I needed, and planned to meet up with him later that day. When Tasha awakened this morning, she felt better, and now she was in the kitchen, singing to the radio and making breakfast for the older kids, who had to be dropped off at school soon. RJ had his morning bottle and had fallen back to sleep, I was going to get him dressed and take him with me. He would be that distraction I needed so Tasha’s mom wouldn’t go off on me too bad. Shit. Who was I kidding? I needed him to get me in her house, because I knew for a fact that if I showed up at her house by myself, she would not let me in, so RJ was definitely needed.

  TASHA

  When I got up this morning, I felt much better. I loved me some Rellz. He was definitely a keeper—flaws and all. If he could accept me for all I’d done, I could definitely do the same for him. Once I dropped the kids off at school, I headed over to get my hair braided in some box braids, because with all that I had to do in the mornings, there was no time for me to curl my hair on a daily basis. I had my brother pick up the girls from school later that day and take them to my mom’s because Rellz had said he had something to do and didn’t know how long he would be. It took me six hours to get my hair done, and it was worth every hour. I loved it. Afterward, I headed straight to the house, as Rellz would be picking the girls up from Mom’s.

  When I got inside, I decided to give my friend Shea a call. I hadn’t spoken to her in, like, forever. It wasn’t on purpose, though: I had just been going through it and didn’t want to be a burden. The phone rang a few times before she answered.

  “Hey, Tasha. It’s about time you reached out. I miss you,” she whined.

  “I know, girl. I have been dealing with some things and didn’t want to bother you with my drama.”

  “Come on, Tasha. We’re better than that. You could have come to me. That’s what a friend is for. I’m here for the good and the bad.”

  I spent the next hour on the phone, airing out my drama, minus how my sister had passed away, but I did share that Rellz was her baby’s father. Shea didn’t judge; she just left me with something to think about. She also informed me that the hood was talking about how Jai and Ursula had scored big and had moved out of the area. I revealed that the last time I had spoken to them, they had told me they were going to lay low, and since then, I had not heard from them. After we talked about the hood for a few, we agreed to hook up soon, because after speaking with Shea, I realized how much I had missed hanging in the hood with my girl and just chilling.

  Rellz

  I was on my way home with the kids. My talk with Tasha’s parents had gone better than I thought it would. We had all agreed that I would propose to her next weekend at her parents’ fiftieth-anniversary dinner. I was so ready. Her mom had expressed how worried she was about Jason’s disappearance, so Kane and I had decided to put word out on the streets to see if we could learn his whereabouts. They needed to understand what he was dealing with right now: he blamed himself for the death of his sister because some dudes were gunning for him. The guilt alone had to be killing him. I just hoped he was okay.

  Back at the house, Tasha had dinner ready, so I got li’l man settled in his high chair while Tasha fixed him his dinner. The girls washed their hands, and we sat down to dinner. Just looking at my extended family, I knew I was making the right decision. I listened as Shaina and Saniyah talked about the day they had at school. They were doing really well, considering that they had lost their mother. Tasha had tried to locate their dad, but to no avail, so she was now leaving well enough alone. She was pissed that none of his family had come forward even to inquire about the girls, so I had made up my mind that once we got married, we would adopt the girls and make our family complete. I didn’t want to let on that I was going to ask her to marry me, so I would have that conversation about the girls with her after the wedding. That could be another one of my surprises.

  Tasha had cooked her ass off tonight. The steak was delicious, and li’l man was killing the mashed potatoes. After dinner, I washed the dishes, while Tasha put the kids to bed. I laughed to myself when I thought about Tasha always getting on me for having a dishwasher but never using it. Shit. I had bought it just to complete my kitchen, not to be used. I had never understood anyone who used a dishwasher instead of hand washing. I loved the good old-fashioned way of cleaning dishes. Once the dishes were done, I retired to the movie room to wait on my boo so we could have a movie night. I had the popcorn popped and in a bowl. I’d mixed in pepper and hot sauce, the way she liked it. She had the nerve to walk in with some nightie on that barely covered her ass and with no panties on. She looked all good, and my dick stood to salute her as she leaned over to kiss me on the lips and then plopped her ass in the seat next to me like she didn’t know what she was doing.

  “Why you looking at me like that?” She smiled.

  “You come to movie night half dressed and expect me to watch a movie? My joint on swole right now.” I grabbed her hand and let her feel how she had got him all worked up. She snatched her hand and called me nasty.

  We got halfway through the movie before I had her ass over the sofa in the movie room and was hitting it from the back while the movie watched us. I had picked the movie Why Did I Get Married Too? because it was filmed in the Bahamas. That was the location I wanted to take her to for our honeymoon, so I wanted her to get a feel for how great it would be to go. I must have lost my concentration, because Tasha’s hands began pushing me into her so that I would continue pounding her out, and that was just what I did. As she starting screaming that she was coming, li’l man was screaming through the baby monitor. I held her ass in place until I got my shit off. Li’l man’s ass had to wait.

  “You know your ass ain’t right,” she said, all out of breath.

  “His ass good. He’s not even crying anymore.” I slapped her on the ass as she walked by to go check on him.

  “Meet me in the shower,” she yelled over her shoulder.

  I got my ass up because I knew round two was about to go down.

  Tasha

  I was so tired this morning. I had told Rellz there would be no more fucking with him on a weeknight because I was dragging my feet now, knowing I had to get the girls fed and ready for school. When I got out of the shower and walked in the kitchen, I was surprised to see the girls at the table, dressed in their uniforms and eating breakfast. RJ was in his high chair, and Rellz was feeding him oatmeal. Rellz had the biggest smile on his face. I swear, I loved this man. I sat down and joined them. He had made pancakes, cheese eggs, and Brown ’N Serve sausages—the ones he didn’t like. The little thoughtful things he did like this were just one of the reasons I was so thankful to have him. Ou
r relationship was getting stronger every day.

  Once Rellz and the girls had left—yes, he took them to school for me—RJ and I went upstairs, got in the king-size bed, and watched Maury. I knew I had put up with all of Rellz’s bullshit, but I would never understand why these girls would come on this TV show and have their men take a lie detector test to prove they were not cheating when all the evidence was staring them right in the face. I could never go on television, because I knew I would stay with Rellz, just as these women knew they were going to stay, so there was no sense in being on television, looking stupid for all the world to see. I guessed RJ got bored with me screaming at the dumb women on the show, because he fell asleep, so I got up to put him in his crib. Rellz called to tell me he was going to run a few errands before heading back to the house, so I decided to get up and do some cleaning, including the laundry, which had been piling up.

  As I loaded the washer, I called Mom to see how she was doing and to ask if Dad was feeling better. Mom said that he was better and that he was excited about the anniversary dinner on Saturday. I had forgot we had to drive to Connecticut for the dinner. My aunt Vera was having the dinner at Peppercorn’s in Hartford, where she lived. I wanted to complain, but I didn’t. This was what she wanted to do for her brother and his wife. Who was I to say something? I just prayed she’d be on her best behavior, because even though her heart was in the right place, alcohol had been having her in a whole different place. Mom said she and Dad were driving up on Friday and staying at Aunt Vera’s that night. I didn’t see the need to stay at her house. The dinner started at 5:00 pm on Saturday, and it was only a two-hour drive, so I was good. I didn’t see how Mom tolerated Aunt Vera sometimes. Don’t get me wrong. I loved her to death, but she was a mess.