When Loyalty Dies, So Does Love

by Dorothy Brown-Newton

  By the end of the conversation, I was trying to convince Mom that Jason was okay. I told her he just needed some time, but I was worried as well because Keisha had said she hadn’t seen him or spoken to him. Mom wanted to put out a missing person’s report, but I told her to hold off until Kane let us know if he was able to locate him. After talking to Mom, I went to check on RJ; he was still sleeping. Oatmeal and juice worked every time, made him nice and full. He would probably sleep for at least another hour.

  Rellz

  I had just left the travel agency. I had booked a seven-day, six-night travel package to Antigua for my soon to be in-laws, to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary. I believed this would be good for them both, because sitting at home and worrying about Jason was going to drive them crazy. At least they could go and enjoy what Antigua had to offer and not worry so much, at least for the time being. I had about thirty minutes to spare before it was time to pick up the girls. I wanted to go see Raina, but there was no way I would make it back to the school in time. The school system was excellent, but the bus service was horrible. We’d been waiting so damn long for the service to start that it was beginning to be ridiculous. I didn’t even want to trust them with the girls at this point, because they’d already proven they were not reliable. They might fuck around and have me catching a case if something were to happen to one of the girls.

  When the girls and I got home, I showed Tasha the vacation package for her parents, and she jumped up and down like I had said we were going. I had to make sure that she had heard me when I said it was for her parents. She said that she had, and that she was just happy that they would be able to get away. We got the kids fed and in bed early tonight. I stayed with li’l man until he fell asleep because he was cranky and he wanted his daddy. An hour later I walked in the bedroom and my big baby was sleeping. I took a shower, got in bed, cuddled with my boo, and fell asleep.

  Tasha

  The drive up to Connecticut took us a little longer than the estimated two hours. We had to pull over a few times because RJ was having a screaming fit. We had taken him to the doctor yesterday, and we had found out he had an ear infection and a slight fever. Since RJ was not well, I had wanted to stay home today, but Rellz had insisted that we couldn’t miss my parents’ fiftieth. I really felt like shit because I hadn’t known RJ was sick. I had thought he was teething. A mother would have known. As I was beating myself up about it, Rellz said it had nothing to do with being a mother. He said that he was the dad and hadn’t even known. I felt a little better because he was understanding and didn’t make me feel like I was incapable of caring for his son. I had to sit in the back of the car and hold him; that was the only way he would be quiet. I gave him a dose of Tylenol, and he was sleeping like a good baby by the time we pulled up to the restaurant.

  Rellz removed the stroller and the baby bag from the back of the car, and I tried not to move RJ too much. I wanted him to stay sleeping. Once inside the restaurant, I saw they were conducting business as usual. I didn’t know why I had expected us to have the whole restaurant to ourselves. We were escorted to a private room toward the back. The room had an elegant burgundy and gold theme, and I was impressed that Aunt Vera had made such nice arrangements. We greeted family as we looked for the table that held our name cards. I silently prayed, and my prayer was answered when we were seated at the table with Mom, Dad, Aunt Vera, Uncle Vic, and Kane.

  My smile quickly vanished when I caught sight of Rena, her mom, and Rellz’s daughter, Raina, who was breaking her neck to get to him. He squeezed my hand softly. I guessed he thought I was going to act out. I kissed my parents and said hello to everyone. Raina wanted to sit with her dad, so we had to sit Saniyah next to Mom. My blood was boiling, but not because Raina wanted her daddy. It was boiling because I couldn’t believe that Rena and her mom were at our table, like they were family.

  A half hour later, the music was playing, and everyone seemed to be having a good time. I was a little worried about the open bar, but so far, so good. As the food was being served, the DJ put on some slow music, another one of my aunts blessed the food, and everyone dug in. RJ didn’t really have an appetite, so I gave him his antibiotic medicine and a bottle, and he went back to sleep. Once the waitstaff began clearing the table and replacing champagne flutes, my aunt set up the mic. Everyone’s glasses were filled with champagne, and the children in attendance were given sparkling cider. My aunt Vera toasted my parents’ union, and I must say, it was beautiful. For the next thirty minutes, family members spoke about my parents, and everyone had nothing to say but good things.

  When it was my turn, I started to choke up, me being emotional by nature, but I got myself together and spoke from my heart. “Mom and Dad, you two are my everything, and I just want to say that I love you both. We, as your children, are blessed to have two loving parents that share a bond so strong that it gives others the strength to keep pushing. I love you guys.” As I was putting the mic back, Rellz walked up and grabbed it. I was confused because he didn’t really know my parents like that, and we all knew that Mom really didn’t like him. As I was standing there, shell shocked, he grabbed my hand.

  “What’s g-going on?” I stuttered.

  “Tash, I’m a little nervous, so just bear with me. We’ve been together and stayed together through the ups and downs, the good and the bad, and we are still standing. Our relationship has gotten stronger. We have loved each other. You’ve accepted my faults, and I’ve accepted yours, and that’s what unconditional love is. I had never met a woman who loved me unconditionally and made me a better person until I met you.”

  I started to cry as he got down on one knee. The room was so quiet that I turned just to see if everyone was still there. He looked up, and I looked down.

  “Tash, I’m asking you for forever, and if you say yes to being my wife, I promise you I will continue to love, respect, and honor you until my dying day. Will you marry me?”

  The tears were running down my face in full force as I said yes. All I had ever wanted from this man was his heart, and here he was, offering me the whole package. He stood and placed a beautiful ring on my finger, and I kissed him like we were the only two in the room as applause rang out. As we stepped down, the DJ played R. Kelly’s “Forever,” and so we began to slow dance. I could not stop the tears as he held me in his arms, rocking to the beat of R. Kelly. Our heartbeats that night, without us even having the ceremony yet, became one.

  After the dance, he grabbed my hand, and we walked over to my parents, who hugged us. Mom hugged me and told me we had her blessings. The DJ switched up the music as the cake was being brought out. The cake was beautiful. I sat at the table, staring at my five-carat ring in awe, not noticing Shea standing there. When I looked up and saw her, I jumped in her arms.

  “OMG, Shea. You knew?” I said.

  “I picked out the ring. Shit. He was lost.”

  I started crying again, and she wiped away my tears. She told me that she was happy for me, and that she couldn’t wait to help me plan my wedding.

  “I love you, girl,” I said.

  “Love you too.”

  The night was coming to an end. I was sitting and talking to Kane. I found out his big head had known about Rellz’s proposal too. Rellz walked over with Raina. This man had some strong-ass genes. He introduced her to me. She was shy and hid behind his leg as she looked down. Kane picked her up with her little pretty self.

  Mom was on the dance floor by then, dancing and chanting about going to Antigua. It felt good to see her in a happy place, at least for the moment, because I knew she was going to go right back to worrying tomorrow. I started getting the baby ready to go. I swear, I couldn’t stop smiling: I was too hyped. Nothing could get to me, not even my snickering cousins. Rena sat with her game face on, and I couldn’t read her. She did come over and say congrats to us, though.

  Rellz

  Just looking over at my girl and seeing that big-ass smile she was sporting made me feel good. T
ruth be told, I was just as happy as she was. I just wore my smile on the inside because I was a thug. On some real shit, I couldn’t seem to stop smiling, either. I had been nervous as hell as I stood up there, not knowing if she was going to say yes. If she had turned me down in front of all her family, I would have been crushed, but my baby had said yes. I hadn’t known Rena and my daughter were going to be in attendance. This marriage was something I had wanted to explain to my daughter in private because I knew she wasn’t going to understand. As soon as she saw me after I proposed, she came over to me and asked me if Tasha was her new mommy. I sat her on my lap and told her that her mommy would always be her mommy, and Tasha would be her step mommy and her daddy’s wife and would love her like a mommy would. Did she understand? No. She jumped off my lap, smiled, and ran off to play with Saniyah and Shaina.

  When it was time to go, Raina was asking to go home with me. I didn’t know how Rena or Tasha would feel about it, so I told her I would get her next weekend. I would have to talk to my fiancée about visits, as well as to Rena, to see if she would agree. My fiancée . . . I was definitely liking the sound of that shit. Who would have thought my ass would settle down? I caught up with the twins to get them ready to go, and it broke my heart to see the look on my daughter’s face. Kids didn’t understand, so I knew she wanted to know why the twins could go home with me and she couldn’t. I went and pulled Kane to the side to see if he could get Rena to let Raina go home with me. I told him to let Rena know that I would bring Raina home tomorrow evening. I would have asked her myself, but you never knew if she was going to flip out or not, and now wouldn’t be the time or the place to check her ass. I walked over to talk to Tash, just in case Rena said it was okay. I took a deep breath.

  “Rellz, before you say anything, I don’t have a problem with Raina staying the night or visiting on weekends.”

  I looked at her, confused, and she smiled.

  She went on. “Raina asked me already, and I went to Rena as a woman and asked her. She said it was okay for Raina to go home with us, so I told Raina to ask you.”

  “Tash, I was shitting bricks when I was walking over here.”

  She looked at me seriously, making me nervous again. “Babe, don’t think I would ever deny your daughter the opportunity to visit. I love her father, and since she belongs to you, I will love her and treat her as if she were my own.”

  I knew putting that ring on her finger was the right thing to do. She was my soul mate.

  The girls were talkative all the way home. The cake had given them a sugar rush, and they all had a burst of energy. Raina fit right in with the twins. They were a year older than her, so the three of them blended well. You would have thought they had known each other forever. The first time they met hadn’t gone so well. They hadn’t got to play together for long, because the grown-ups were out of control. We got home a little after midnight, and they were all sleeping by this time, so I had to carry them inside one at a time. Raina didn’t have any pajamas with her, but it was fine. The twins had some with tags still on them, so it worked out. Now that she would be visiting, I needed to go shopping for the things she would need while at my house.

  Tasha and I would have to celebrate our engagement another night. Li’l man wouldn’t stop crying, and for some reason, he wasn’t feeling me tonight. I handed him to Tash, and while she rocked him, I went down to the kitchen to get him a warm bottle and the Tylenol drops. He had refused to eat at the dinner, so I figured he was hungry, and I was right. After his bottle and drops, he dozed off. We let him sleep in the portable bassinet in our bedroom that night. I checked on the girls before I got in bed and called it a night.

  Rena

  Kane felt some kind of way because I had sent him home alone tonight. I knew he had wanted me to go back to his place, because we didn’t have Raina, and when he’d asked, I really hadn’t meant to hurt his feeling by snapping, but I’d wanted to be alone. I felt some kind of way about Rellz—a man who had taken me to hell and back, a man who didn’t love me the way I loved him and who treated me like shit—not being that same man I had seen tonight. The man I had seen tonight was the man I had wanted and had needed him to be for years, and it hurt to see that he had made this transformation for another woman and for his firstborn. Yes, I felt something, and that something I felt was hurt.

  But just as he’d grown, I’d grown too, and I had no choice but to accept that he was going to be a married man. It didn’t stop the pain I was feeling; my heart had feelings of its own, and the pain wouldn’t subside, no matter how much I convinced myself I was good. Kane texted me, asking me if I was okay. I told him no, and within minutes, he was at my door. I let him in, and he held me as I cried. I apologized to him because I hadn’t known I would take it so hard. When Raina had cried about going home with Rellz, I had told Tasha she could go, with a smile on my face, but as soon as Tasha walked away, I’d gone into the ladies’ room and cried like a baby. Kane rubbed my back until I fell asleep in his arms.

  Kane

  I knew Rena was hurting. I had decided to stay at my mom’s house, just in case Rena needed me, and I was right. Here she was, crying in my arms over another man, but I was okay with it, because I knew firsthand how it felt to love and to lose your first everything. I had known I was taking a risk by getting involved with her, but I was a man of my word. I had told her I would hold nothing against her as long as she was always up front and honest with me. I knew it had taken a lot for her to tell me that Rellz was marrying my sister, and Raina wanting to be with Rellz really hurt her. I knew that she still loved him, and that if he came to her tomorrow as this changed man, she would take him back. Would I be hurt? Yes, but I would respect her decision, because if my first heartbreak came back and loved me like I loved her, I would most likely do the same. Both of us were still holding on to that what-if factor.

  As she fell asleep, I sat up, staring at the television, but my attention was not on the show that was on the screen. I knew Rellz wasn’t going to leave my sister, but the decision I needed to make was whether I wanted to be in a relationship with a woman who was in love with another man. Should I be selfish and try to love that woman when I knew I was still in love with my first love? It had all seemed so simple at first, but I believed we were just a crutch to each other, someone to lean on since we couldn’t have the one we loved. I dozed off with a heavy heart that night.

  Rellz

  The next morning we all went out for breakfast. Then we went to the mall and did some shopping, mostly for the things Raina needed if she was going to be visiting every weekend. Once we left the furniture store, after having got her what she needed for the room I was giving her down the hall from the twins, we decided to head back to the house because RJ was getting restless. Tash said she would buy the rest of the things Raina’s room needed online. Since tomorrow was a school day, I left to take Raina home.

  When I got to Rena’s mom’s house, Rena came to the door, looking like she had lost her best friend. After Raina disappeared inside the house and was out of earshot, I asked Rena if she was okay, and not because I cared, but because I just felt it was the right thing to do, given that I was leaving my daughter there. Asking was a big mistake. She hit me with the bullshit, asked me why, all of a sudden, I could be faithful and could be the man she had needed me to be for her and my daughter all those years ago. She even hit me with the tears. She threw me for a loop, because her ass was dead serious. I tried my best to keep a straight face and not laugh at her ass. I decided to be a gentleman and entertain the bullshit conversation, one that I felt we had already had.

  I explained to her again that the type of relationship we had had wasn’t a healthy one. My ass was going to court for aggravated assault and domestic violence, and the list went on. Yes, we had had some good times, but our entire relationship had been dysfunctional. The only time we had been really happy was when we were having sex, and then two days later, we would go right back to the bullshit. I was trying to be civil
, but standing out here, having this conversation was really blowing my mind. She was practically living with Tasha’s brother, and she was throwing shade.

  I had finally got my shit together and was trying to do the right thing. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, we weren’t good for each other. A few months ago, we had both agreed about this and had got our closure, so what had changed? My getting married had to be the reason for this confrontation. I knew she still had feelings for me, but I no longer had feelings for her. I made sure to tell her that to ensure the well-being of our daughter, I needed her to be happy for me, and I also needed for us to continue to be civil to each other. I added that Kane was a good dude, and that she needed to concentrate on that relationship before she pushed him away. She agreed.

  When I was ready to go, Raina came to the door, and I kissed my baby girl and told her I would see her next weekend. I headed home. Tash was reading to the girls when I walked in, and RJ was in his walker. He almost tipped it over while trying to get to me. I picked him up and went to join Tash and the girls on the couch.

  “What’s wrong?” Tash asked as soon as I sat down.

  Damn. Tash could always tell when something was bothering me. “Ole girl was in her feelings today,” I revealed.

  “What you mean, in her feelings?”

  “Let’s get the kids fed, bathed, and in bed, and then we can talk about it,” I said before kissing her on the lips.