by Dechari Cole
You see, we all have different stories to tell and different ways that God can take our past and use it to help us—and others—grow. Every person’s story is valuable and useful to God. One person may think her story isn’t worth sharing because she didn’t go through something awful, while another person may think her life can’t be used because of her awful past. Both are lies of Satan to keep us from living the full life God has planned for us. Once we decide to live for Jesus, we can have victory over sin. We can then live an abundant life and help others to as well.
What I Learned
My purity is valuable enough to save and protect. Therefore, I’ll wait with anticipation for God’s perfect plan.
I greatly rejoice in the Lord, I exult in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation and wrapped me in a robe of righteousness, as a groom wears a turban and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. (Isaiah 61:10)
Girl Talk
1. Do you think God is trying to keep something good from you by saying you should wait until marriage to have sex? Why do you think He says to wait? What does He want for you?
2. If I went to all that trouble to protect a dress for a special dance, then how much more should I protect my purity for the day I get married? Can you see its purpose is meant for a specific time and place to shine?
3. If God designed sex to supernaturally bind two people together, never to be separated, then what do you think happens when you don’t wait for your husband? If sex is the glue for marriage, what happens if you use it for a short-term fling? What could the emotional, spiritual, and physical effects be in your relationships, both in the present and in the future?
4. Do you ever feel like your sins are worse than someone else’s? Read John 8:1–11. Can you see that no one should be throwing stones because we all need Jesus’ forgiveness? In what areas do you need to ask Jesus to help you leave your sin behind and start living the fuller life He has for you? (Read 2 Corinthians 5:17.)
5. Are you willing to choose a life of purity? Why or why not? Talk with your girlfriends about what the outcomes of waiting could be versus the outcomes of not waiting.
Chapter 10
Torn
How do you follow your heart when it’s going two different directions?
Well, the proms were over, but both guys were still in the picture. I wasn’t exclusively dating either one, and Evan and Steven each knew about the other. At this point, I was just friends with both of them. Of course, I saw Evan around school, and he would sometimes swing by my work. Other times, he made it to Young Life. Seeing Steven took a lot more effort since he was out of town. When I did see him, though, it was over a weekend, so we had more quality time.
I found ways to go to Jessica’s whenever I could, both to see her and Steven. I even talked Jason into taking a road trip there. He had never met Jessica or Steven before. It was interesting to see my best guy friend interact with a guy I potentially liked. They were both nice, but there was this underlying tone of competition, since they both liked me in some way.
That night, as we were all heading to the couch to watch TV, there was the unspoken question of who I would sit next to—Jason or Steven. I decided to play it safe and sat next to Jessica. She still didn’t realize I liked her brother, though I think Jason could tell. Really, I still questioned whether or not Steven liked me, or if he was just having fun hanging out. Oh, please let it be that he liked me!
I was kind of torn between my feelings for Steven and my feelings for Evan. They were both really nice, both Christians, and I enjoyed their company. I kept finding myself, though, wanting the time to never end when I was with Steven. Then, one night back at home, I received an unexpected call from Jessica. She sounded really giddy as she told me that Steven wanted to talk to me. Steven and I had never talked on the phone before, so I knew something was up. Steven asked me to be his girlfriend. So he did like me! I said yes, of course! Jessica later said she had never seen Steven this excited about a girl before.
Steven and I talked on the phone and visited when we could. On our weekends together, we would stay up all night just to talk. We went for late-night cappuccino runs, played Ping-Pong, and watched crazy old movies. One night he pretended to stumble close to me, but I knew he wanted to kiss me. I leaned over, and it was such a sweet kiss. He was wonderful, and I’d never had so much fun hanging out with a boyfriend.
That summer after my sophomore year, Steven went to Africa on a mission trip. He sent me a postcard and a necklace, which was so thoughtful and romantic. However, I was sad that I wasn’t getting to see him, and the long distance started taking a bit of a toll on me. To make matters more complicated, I was seeing Evan around all the time. I knew he still liked me and, to even add a little more pressure, one of the Young Life leaders started saying I should give Evan a chance. Slowly I broke down and gave in to the guy who was right there in front of me. I called Steven to let him know. I hated hurting him, but I had made my choice.
Evan and I were now exclusive. We hung out the whole rest of the summer and into our junior year. Evan seemed to always make the extra effort to be considerate and make sure I was happy. In the car, he would let me pick the music I wanted to listen to. I found out later that he liked rap, but he never played it around me because he knew I hated it. He even asked if I wanted to take turns going to each other’s churches. Then he started making an effort to get to know my friends. Looking back, it was kind of the opposite of my relationship with Coleson.
The longer I was with Evan, the more comfortable I got with him. We were inseparable and did everything together. It felt like a real relationship and was definitely my longest one so far. Evan and I went to the Homecoming Dance together, we said “I love you,” and he even bought me a ring. Don’t freak out! It wasn’t a wedding ring, but it was very special. But the more time we spent together, the more physical our relationship turned. We had kissed before, but it became more often. I began to feel really guilty about how we were with each other. I wanted us to go back to how we were before, but Evan didn’t seem to want that. It was like once those feelings were turned on, there was no going back.
Argh! Why was this happening again? I’d just wanted a little romance, but now I felt like Evan was no longer interested in me as a person. Again, I knew where I stood on not having sex, and Evan never asked for that, but I also knew that this was not heading down the best path for me. In my frustration, I began to think about Steven. We had had so much fun together and enjoyed each other’s company. Even though I did kiss Steven every once in a while, that wasn’t what our relationship was based on. Had I made a really big mistake?
Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”
—1 Corinthians 15:33
Evan started spending less time with me and more time hanging out with his friends. I heard they tried drinking, and suddenly it seemed that Evan’s whole demeanor changed. In his frustration with me, his true colors came out. He started blasting his music and playing songs with content I didn’t like at all. He was now this kind of bad boy, and I didn’t go for bad boys. After being out of town one weekend, I called him. He sounded messed up and not himself. I didn’t know what was going on, but I think he had been out with another girl. Wow, this was not what I bargained for. Where was the kind, loving guy I had started dating, or had he just been a big phony?
Evan and I broke up, and it was really hard. Evan kept trying to work it out, but I felt like I had been deceived. I realized I had been the one trying to make him be a good person and, ultimately, that was not my job. I could care about Evan and pray for him, but I didn’t need to be pulled down with him. I needed to let him go. I needed a guy who could lift me up and who went to church, not for me, but because he wanted to. I needed someone who was spiritually mature, and someone who was definitely for real.
I went by Evan’s work one day and asked someone at the front desk to give
him something—it was a box that held the ring. As I drove away, I saw Evan in the rearview mirror, running after me. I took a deep breath and pulled away without looking back. I never heard from Evan again.
What I Learned
Your emotions can blind you to the truth. Be careful not to be deceived by them.
The heart is more deceitful than anything else, and incurable—who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9)
Girl Talk
1. Just as I tried to be someone I wasn’t for Coleson, Evan tried to be someone he wasn’t for me. Have you ever tried to be something you aren’t just to please someone else? How far do you think that will get you? What could be the results?
2. Do you think I should have stayed with Evan and helped him work through his struggles? Read 1 Corinthians 15:33 and 2 Corinthians 6:14–15. Can you really change someone? Or are you just standing in the way of them reaching out to the One who can change them?
3. It was hard to say no to Evan when he pleaded to get back together. My heart wanted to stay, but my head told me no way. What are the dangers of “just following your heart” like the world says? Since Jeremiah 17:9 says you can’t trust your heart, whose voice should you listen to?
4. Dating relationships can tend to be more physical than relational after a while. Why do you think that is? How can you keep a relationship focused on the right things? What are those right things?
Chapter 11
Dating Outside the Box
So how should a daughter of the King date?
Boy, this dating business was hard! The guy in front of me was not who he claimed to be, and the guy I enjoyed spending time with was never around. As I second-guessed letting go of Steven, I realized I had lacked the true commitment needed to make a long-distance relationship work. But then, should I be committed to making a relationship work at sixteen? I wasn’t married yet; I was only dating. So it got me to thinking: How should I view dating, and how did others?
From my experience, dating tended to be a relationship you stayed in until one party was no longer interested or happy, or when it took too much work. Huh, that doesn’t sound very appealing; nevertheless, it’s pretty accurate. Dating is a very temporary state that can sometimes lead to something greater, or it can lead to confusion, break-ups, and heartache. Some people see dating as a free make-out pass (like Justin). Some see it as an esteem booster. Others are only interested if it’s easy. Some will use it as a security blanket so that at least they’re not alone. And then there are those who see it as an opportunity to get to know another person. Ah, that sounds better. Time spent getting to know someone.
It had started out that way with both Evan and Steven. Things only changed when I added the label of dating. For Steven and me, dating added a pressure to be committed to someone who wasn’t even around half the time. At that point in my life, I was too immature for that kind of commitment. When presented with the choice of a close, easy relationship or a long-distance one, I took the easier route. But dating Evan then became my “security blanket.” I took him everywhere I went, and he made me feel comfortable. That is, until he took the security blanket and started smothering me with it. Thankfully, I was able to see who Evan really was—someone who only pretended to be the guy I would like.
Who you are is not something to hide. It’s something to embrace!
Dating is an opportune time to let another person see who you really are, but a lot of people don’t feel free to be themselves, flaws and all. So when they start dating, they also tend to start acting. It’s as if they were asked to play the lead in a love story. So what happens when they get tired of pretending? Believe me, it’s an awful feeling to find out your relationship is a façade. It’s never good to pretend to be someone you’re not. After all, we all have our quirks and differences. That’s what makes us unique. Who you are is not something to hide. It’s something to embrace!
Okay, I had my thoughts on what dating should be, but I was really curious about what the Bible had to say. For the fun of it, I searched for the word “dating” in my Bible. As I suspected, dating is not even mentioned in the Bible. My next thought, then, was to see how the love stories in the Bible came to be. One of the most popular is the story of Ruth and Boaz.
Ruth and her mother-in-law, Naomi, were both widowed. Instead of returning to her own family, Ruth chose to stay by Naomi’s side. She spent her days humbly gathering leftover grain from the fields of Boaz, a relative of Naomi. Boaz noticed Ruth’s selfless dedication (Ruth 2:11–12) and was kind to her. Eventually Ruth (with a little push from Naomi) asked Boaz to take her as his wife and this was his response:
May the Lord bless you, my daughter. You have shown more kindness now than before, because you have not pursued younger men, whether rich or poor. Now don’t be afraid, my daughter. I will do for you whatever you say, since all the people in my town know that you are a woman of noble character. (Ruth 3:10–11)
Boaz did marry Ruth. And later, they had a son named Obed—who had a son named Jesse, who had a son named David, who became a great king.
Hmm, I don’t really see any “dating” going on between Ruth and Boaz. So how did Ruth get such a great guy? And how did Boaz know what he was getting into if he hadn’t dated her? Well, Boaz actually knew a lot about Ruth, because her reputation had preceded her. He saw how hard she worked and how she cared for Naomi, and he knew she didn’t chase after other men. Though Ruth had caught Boaz’s eye as she worked in the fields, it was her humility and love for others that kept his interest.
Another love story is found in Genesis 24—the story of Isaac and Rebekah. Abraham prayed for God to provide a wife for his son, Isaac. In faith, Abraham sent a servant to find her, and in faith, the servant prayed for God to reveal her to him. God answered both men’s prayers in Rebekah. Then, in faith, Rebekah traveled back to meet her future husband, a man she had never met before. Isaac and Rebekah married and shared a love that came from God. Through their children two great nations would come.
What? Wait a minute! Isaac and Rebekah had never even met? How crazy is that? But how awesome would that be, though, to know that God was the one who brought you and your spouse together? And what faith to let God choose your mate!
Okay . . . well my dating relationships sound kind of lame now. I had never not worried about finding a boyfriend and had never focused my attention only on helping others. I certainly had never expected God to just tell me, “Here’s the one.” Times have changed, right? God probably doesn’t work the same way to create amazing relationships . . . or does He? Well, the Bible does say He’s the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). Hmm.
As I continued my search for what dating should be, I started hearing a few couples around church say they were “courting.” I was intrigued. What was the difference? Surely, they weren’t talking about hanging out on their parents’ front porches! So I asked. These couples explained to me that their relationship was based on getting to know someone that they could potentially marry. They wanted God to be at the center of their relationship, and they sought His guidance. They were also committed to not having sex before marriage. In spending time together, they would only hang out in group settings with friends or family.
At the time, I thought courting sounded old-fashioned and maybe just a little extreme. However, now knowing that those same couples have been happily married for years, I decided to revisit the concept. So I turned to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary and looked up “dating.” Funny, “dating” wouldn’t come up for me there. I guess it’s even too difficult for the dictionary folks to put a finger on. Next, I tried “boyfriend.” Merriam-Webster defines boyfriend as “a male friend” or “a frequent or regular male companion in a romantic or sexual relationship.” “Court” then is “to engage in social activities leading to engagement and marriage.” Definitely two different approaches to relationships—and one sounds a lot healthier than the other
.
While I never used the term “courting,” I did like the overall concept. It was maybe a little outside the box, but God doesn’t have to work inside our box. His ways of bringing people together are bigger and more meaningful. After Evan, I knew I wanted more than ever to have a godly relationship that could one day lead to marriage. I wasn’t sure exactly what that would look like for me or how to get it; but I knew it was out there.
What I Learned
Whether you “date,” “court,” or “go out,” having God at the center of your relationship makes all the difference.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not My ways.” This is the Lord’s declaration. “For as heaven is higher than earth, so My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8–9)
Girl Talk
1. How would you define dating? What have you seen come from dating—both the good and the bad?
2. What do you think about the definition of courting that those couples gave me? Does it change the way you view dating? How would your relationship change if you had these guidelines as your standard?
3. I don’t think we should get caught up in the words “dating” or “courting” so much as the actual intention of the relationship. What are your intentions for a relationship? Is keeping God at its center one of them? If you currently have a boyfriend, do you know what his intentions are?
4. Read both love stories—the book of Ruth and Genesis 24. What insights do you feel God is giving you on relationships and marriage?
Chapter 12
Carol Ann Shines
The most beautiful light shines from the inside out.
Have you ever had times in your life when things just didn’t seem to go your way? Times when you wanted to whine and complain that life’s not fair? Then, you finally realize that the world doesn’t revolve around your being happy—and maybe it’s time to grow up. Well, that describes the end of my junior year. Things definitely hadn’t gone as planned. I’d once been in my own happy bubble of a relationship, but that bubble had popped. I was now taking a look at the rest of the world around me. My friends had continued on with their lives. They had their own interests and places they fit in. For the first time in a while, I felt out of place and a little alone. As I looked at the others around me in relationships, I realized I no longer had my security blanket. It was just me, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it.
