by Dechari Cole
My mom’s story reminds me of when Jesus was in the temple and saw a widow give two mites. Others gave much more money than she did, but Jesus said that she had given more than all of them because she had given all that she had (Mark 12:41–44). That’s my mom—she gives what she has. Usually it’s her time, her prayers, and, if you’re lucky, a good home-cooked meal. It’s easy to give when you have a lot. It’s much harder when you don’t know how your own future needs will be met, but that is the kind of heart that is pleasing to God. When you are willing to do what God asks and count on Him completely, He can take the most inadequate people and do the most extraordinary things.
God uses the most unlikely people. . . . Maybe one day He will use me.
Take David facing Goliath, for example. The whole Israelite army was terrified of Goliath. But David, who was just a teenager, was willing to let God use him in a miraculous way. When I think of that battle, I think of Romans 8:31: “If God is for us, who is against us?” God uses the most unlikely people. He used a teenager. He used my mom. Maybe one day He will use me.
Well, in fact, God did use me that year . . . and in a way I never expected.
I turned seventeen my junior year. I was actually the oldest of all my friends except for Jason, so, technically I should have already had my driver’s license and been driving for a year. Unfortunately, we didn’t have money for a car, and I had to have one to take my driving test to get my license. Fortunately, I had lots of friends that I rode around with, but sometimes it seemed like I would never get my license. That was until . . .
One day, while I was at a friend’s house, my mom called to tell me the news. She had bought me a car! I couldn’t believe my ears—and I couldn’t wait to get home to see my car. When I arrived, though, I remember just standing and staring at this huge, old, eighties station wagon that was to be my car. It was the kind of car that if someone accidentally hit it, you could just say “that’s okay” and go on. For a split second I thought, This is not at all what I wanted. However, I quickly shook that thought out of my head. I realized that this was all my mom could give me, and it was really more than she could afford. I decided to suck up my pride and thank her for that big, old station wagon.
Well, this definitely wasn’t going to be the car that made the girl, so I was going to have to be the girl who made the car. Too many people depend on their stuff to make them happy or popular. My car didn’t define who I was—it was just something I owned. If I was going to make it—through school, through life—I was going to have to see that it wasn’t the stuff I had that counted. It was what I did with it that made all the difference.
No, my car wasn’t shiny or new—it didn’t even have automatic windows! But it worked, and I no longer had to worry about hitching a ride. On the contrary, I was getting asked for rides now. It started with one or two people at first, but at some point it turned into a kind of weekly shuttle service to church. There were kids whose parents were too busy to go to church or who just didn’t want to—whatever the reason, they didn’t have rides to our Wednesday night youth group. So I would check at school and make phone calls each Wednesday to see who needed a ride, then I would make my rounds in the big ole station wagon. What do you know? God really does use the most unlikely people and things!
What I Learned
It’s not how much you have that makes you rich; it’s a giving and humble heart that God counts as treasure.
The result of humility is fear of the Lord, along with wealth, honor, and life. (Proverbs 22:4)
Girl Talk
1. Does your stuff make you look good, or do you make your stuff look good? If you didn’t have certain things, would you still have the friends you do now? What does that tell you?
2. You know that girl at school that everyone makes fun of because she has a disability, or doesn’t know how to fix her hair, or has worn-out clothes—how can you show her love? Isn’t she more than what you can see on the outside? Can you stand up to the people making fun of her instead of just laughing along or ignoring it?
3. Jealousy comes pretty easily, but it sure doesn’t make you any happier. How do you fight it? What’s the opposite of being jealous? (Hint: Read James 3:13–18 to find out.)
4. Isn’t it so cool how God can use a young person, a poor person, a not-so-obviously gifted person? He can use us all! It’s never about our being good enough; it’s always about God being big enough. Have you given God your talents, your gifts, your passions, and the things you own? You were created to make an impact. Ask God to show you how.
Chapter 15
Oops! I Had It Backward
What’s driving your relationship?
I know in my heart it was good for me to not have a boyfriend during this time. It gave me a chance to grow closer to God and to hang out more with my friends—I had felt a little guilty about that. Still, I was glad for this junior year to be over and to have a break from the dating scene around school. It was summer at last and time for a change of pace!
The biggest thing that summer was going to be our Youth Tour. We had been working most of the year to prepare for it. Unfortunately, Jason couldn’t go because of the sports he was involved in, but Carol Ann was going and so was Jessica. There were also three other new faces who really stood out—two brothers and a cousin from a neighboring county.
These three guys really made the tour interesting. For one, they were hysterically entertaining in how they interacted with one another. All the girls thought the oldest guy looked like a young George Clooney—plus, he could sing! You can imagine how dreamy-eyed we all were. Oh, and the dreamy-eyed George Clooney went by the name of Chad.
All the girls were talking about Chad and waiting to see which girl he might be interested in. Then I heard from his younger brother that Chad was interested in Carol Ann! I ran to tell her the news—I felt proud that my best friend had beaten out all the other girls. Then, came even more talk . . . Chad’s cousin, Seth, was interested in me! I didn’t know what to think. I wasn’t looking for a relationship and really hadn’t talked to Seth that much. What was I going to do?
Well, the rest of the group liked playing matchmaker and begged me to ride on Seth’s bus. With everyone pleading for me to give him a chance, I did. I sat in the seat behind Seth so that he could have the chance to talk to me. Seth, however, was really shy, and I had to make the effort for the most part. Seth was nice, but he wasn’t really my type. He had a mustache and goatee, and he was thin and dark-haired. It’s not that I had my dream guy perfectly drawn out; I just didn’t think this was it. But since my other relationships hadn’t ended up so great, maybe I needed a new “type.” Besides, I had said that I wanted a spiritually mature guy—and that Seth was. He was even the son of a preacher! Maybe I should give this a try.
Well, the rest of the Youth Tour was amazing! God was really teaching us all to be bold in our faith, and we were learning to see Satan’s attacks and to pray for one another. Our youth group bonded so much on that trip—especially after the air-conditioning went out on one of the buses. Nothing bonds you like a long road trip on a 90-degree bus! As we pulled into the church parking lot back home, Carol Ann, Chad, Seth, and I agreed that the four of us should go out. Double-dating would be a first for Carol Ann and I, and we were so excited!
This was one of the best times I ever had in dating. Not only was I with a Christian guy who was head-over-heels for me, but at the same time, I didn’t have to give up time with my best friend. Our first double-date was bowling. Other times, we would hang out with Chad and Seth’s families (who surprisingly all lived within a quarter of a mile of each other). But I have to say, my favorite part was Wednesday nights at youth group. I loved having Seth standing next to me as we praised God together.
School started back up, and even though Seth and I were going to different schools, we saw each other every Wednesday night and almost every weekend. I was totally committe
d this time to making our long-distance relationship work—and having a car helped. Seth did ask several times if I really liked him, and he seemed worried about the other guys I was around. But Seth had nothing to worry about on my end—I was so in love, and I wasn’t about to do anything to mess this up!
This relationship was so incredibly different than my previous ones. I felt so special and respected by Seth as a godly woman. We very rarely kissed, and it was usually just a small kiss good-bye if we did. In the past, I had felt somehow used by other boyfriends who seemed to end up only wanting to make-out rather than just enjoy being with me. I realized that kissing wasn’t what made a dating relationship great or even better. It actually seemed to hinder my relationships. I mean, how could I get to know someone better if all we did was kiss? If our lips were occupied, how could we talk? Kissing wasn’t quality time. It was wasting time—time that could be used to get to know our likes and dislikes, what we had in common and what was different, and our thoughts for the future, as well as time we could spend with friends and families. Ultimately, kissing was not helping my relationships grow; it was doing just the opposite.
You may have heard the old saying, “Don’t put the cart before the horse.” It means that you have to put things in the right order so that they’ll work properly and you’ll be able to move forward. If you put the horse behind the cart, you won’t be going anywhere! It’s all backward—just as a caboose isn’t meant to pull a train. In the same way, if you start off with the physical part of the relationship and don’t have anything else to drive your relationship forward, you won’t be able to go anywhere. The physical part typically comes easy, but a real relationship takes time and effort.
I think that’s why I had been so frustrated in most of my relationships. Not only did I have it backward with the physical part, but I was also blinded. I was kissing frogs—hoping they would eventually turn into my prince—but my head was so clouded by emotions, I couldn’t even see that I was kissing a frog! Here’s a confession: When I was dating Coleson, I was taken completely by surprise one day when I bumped into his twin brother. I didn’t even know he had a brother—let alone a twin! What else didn’t I know about these guys I dated?
In the movies, relationships always seem to start with a “crush.” Merriam-Webster says a crush is “an intense and usually passing infatuation.” Infatuation is then defined as “to inspire with a foolish or extravagant love or admiration.” Basically, it’s that initial glance at someone you find attractive and the rush of emotions that come with it.
Even though people usually only use the word crush when they first meet someone, I think it’s often that foolish infatuation that continues, rather than real love. We let our emotions and our ideas of love—or how cute a guy is, or how good he kisses—determine our relationships. Emotions can be so tricky, though, and they sometimes blind you to the truth. If you’re counting on that lovey-dovey feeling to be happy, then what will you do when you don’t feel it? Just as in life, your relationships will have their ups and downs, and you’ll need to be able to make decisions based on more than just romantic feelings.
When you’re on the outside of a relationship, you can sometimes see things that the person in the relationship can’t see—just like me yelling at the girl in the movie to wake up. If your parents or best friends are hesitant about the person you’re dating, stop and try to figure out why. And don’t forget to pray about it too!
One of my favorite movies is Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. A small-town cashier wins a date with a movie star and is smitten by his good looks and fame. We as the audience know that her best guy friend is the guy who truly loves her and knows her—from her different smiles to what makes her laugh and cry. You just want to yell at her to “Wake up!” and see the truth, but she is too blinded by her infatuation with Tad, the movie star.
Before Seth, my best relationship had been with Steven, because it wasn’t based on infatuation or kissing. We really enjoyed each other’s company and loved to talk. I was starting to see the importance of being friends in a relationship, because when the initial infatuation wears off, you need something more for your relationship to stand on. Honestly, Seth and I weren’t as good of friends as Steven and I had been, but for the first time I felt like I had a relationship that put God first.
What I Learned
If you want to be in a relationship that’s going somewhere good, you need to move the physical part to the back of your train—otherwise, you’re going nowhere good.
Pay careful attention, then, to how you walk—not as unwise people but as wise—making the most of the time, because the days are evil. So don’t be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. (Ephesians 5:15–17)
Girl Talk
1. Seth honestly wouldn’t have made my list of candidates for someone I would date . . . originally. I think we all tend to make that list of what our dream guy should be like—how tall he should be, what his background should be, his build, his talents, and so on. Make your list and have a little fun comparing your list to your girlfriends’ lists.
2. Okay, now look at your list and mark off everything that doesn’t have to do with his heart or his character. Do you need to make a new list? Share your new list with your girlfriends. Then read Ephesians 5:25–28 and discuss the qualities you should seek in a godly husband.
3. Speaking of qualities to look for in a spouse . . . this time, write down the qualities you want to have for your future husband, and then discuss those with your friends.
4. So what do you think about the things I said about kissing? How do you view kissing?
5. How can you try to make sure that your relationship with a guy is not just an infatuation?
Chapter 16
With Spring Comes the Rain
Another frog, but still no Prince Charming.
So senior year was looking good . . . really good! I possibly had the perfect guy now in Seth, and I was on top of the world.
I was so excited and in love that it spilled over into everything I did. For my project in Industrial Arts class, I even carved a heart out of stone and put Seth’s name on one side and mine on the other. I cut it in half, giving him the side with my name and keeping the one with his name for myself. It symbolized that he had a piece of my heart . . . and he did. Okay, yes, maybe a little cheesy, but I didn’t care. Carol Ann and I even talked (only partially joking) about having a double wedding. It was kind of crazy to think we talked about marriage, but I guess being a senior led me to thinking about what would come after school. I was definitely happy with Seth and—who knew—he could be the one.
One day after school, Carol Ann agreed to come with me to surprise Seth. He was having a tennis tournament, and I thought it could be a cool surprise to show up and support him. We waited for him to arrive at the courts, and when he did, I ran up to hug him. “Surprise!” I shouted. With a forced smile, he said hello. This wasn’t the reaction I had expected, but I tried not to take it too personally. I knew guys were competitive, and maybe I was messing up his focus or made him nervous. So I just said we could catch up after his game. But when the tournament ended, he walked over and said he couldn’t really hang out. He had things he needed to do. Okay . . . well . . . that wasn’t cool, and I knew something wasn’t right.
We talked on the phone later that night, and Seth finally came clean. He liked another girl. She went to his school, and they had been talking and hanging out. He had decided he was going to date her. So, of course, that meant he was breaking up with me. Excuse me? This was the guy who kept asking me if I were being faithful and dedicated to him . . . and now he was breaking up with me? I wanted to cry, scream, throw up, and faint from shock—all at the same time. I thought things couldn’t have been better in our relationship! We had shared God, friends, church, and family. Now we wouldn’t be sharing any of this.
Now, some of you may want to say, “Well, you got payba
ck for how you treated Steven.” Maybe. It was a similar situation in ways; yet, I didn’t think about that. I couldn’t think at all. I was so unbelievably devastated that I felt as if I couldn’t even breathe. My chest was caving in, and there was a gaping hole where my heart had been. After the shock and denial came the uncontrollable tears as I curled up in a ball on my bed. I’ve only ever cried that hard one other time in my life and that was over my parents’ divorce. I was completely crushed. My happy world had fallen apart, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Seth had made his choice, and it wasn’t me.
Even I was surprised by how hard I took this break-up. I know we were only dating, but I had trusted Seth completely with my heart. I had trusted that this good Christian guy would take care of me and love me. I expected more from him than any other boyfriend, and he let me down. I had gotten so high on the happiness of our relationship that I took a very big fall.
I really wasn’t able to function like myself anymore. I saw people around me who were happy, and I wanted to at least pretend to be happy for them, but I couldn’t seem to find the strength. The hardest thing was that Carol Ann was still dating Seth’s cousin, and it was a constant reminder of what I no longer had.
