Hunger (Some Say Love #1)

by Jane Smith

  “He’s getting married?” Amanda’s jaw hit the floor.

  Kelsey nodded. “Yeah, apparently. He met this girl and they went out on 3 or 4 dates and now they’re getting married. And get this, I’m not even invited to the wedding.”

  Amanda couldn’t have been more shocked. “Seriously, after all you two have been through, he’s not even inviting you to the wedding?”

  Kelsey had been shocked, too. “He doesn’t even want to tell her that I exist. Is that shady or what? Why would you marry someone and not want them to really know you? Am I so insignificant in his life that after all of our weekends where he was so dead-set on convincing me to marry him, suddenly now I’m completely expendable? Honestly, I don’t care too much. I just want him to be happy but I don’t think he’s going to find it by denying who he is. I don’t know who this girl is, because he won’t introduce us, but he tells me he’s engaged AFTER our weekend together, like what kind of fiance fucks someone else that way?”

  Amanda gasped. “No way! So he proposed to her, they’re planning a wedding, and he doesn’t tell you anything about it until after you’ve spent the night with him? What was he thinking?”

  Kelsey shook her head. “I’m not sure. From what I’ve seen so far, I suspect that he was wanting me to get upset about it and decide that I really do want to marry him. Especially now that my divorce is final. Maybe she doesn’t even exist. I’m not usually comfortable assuming other people’s intent, but I also know that he’s manipulative that way and I wouldn’t be surprised if he were deliberately scheming in order to get his way again.”

  Amanda nodded her head. “Jeez, you could be right, but that’s pretty messed up. Without assuming his intentions, what are you going to do?”

  “What can I do? I have to take his word for it that he’s getting married and respect that. I told him that I’m excited for him and I want him to be happy. I asked him why he hadn’t told her about me and he said that he didn’t want to upset her. Then I asked him, ‘What is there to be upset about? I am a friend and you have been helping me.’ Surely she’d understand that. But his face grew dark and he changed his tone to tell me that we weren’t just friends, I was the love of his life and his heart is still very broken about losing me. It was all very confusing, because I looked around his living room and told him ‘You haven’t lost me. I’m your friend, I will always be here for you.’ and he rolled his eyes and said ‘I don’t need a friend, I need a wife.’”

  Amanda’s face pinched together and she shook her head from side to side. “This does not sound good, Kels.”

  Kelsey agreed “I know, right? I’m suspicious and yet I feel bad for this girl. I mean, first of all, why is she agreeing to marry someone she’s only dated a few times? But maybe she really is deeply in love with him, who knows? All I know for sure is that I don’t want to contribute toward any marriage failure. I’m not seeing him anymore. I’m not spending the night with him again. And I’m going to finish writing my novel and hopefully not have to return to work when I run out of money from his help.”

  Amanda nodded. “Yeah, I think you need to give him space to work on his marriage. It just sounds so shady. Do you think it will last?”

  Kelsey nodded her head. “I hope so. I mean, I really want him to be happy. I hope he’s being smart about it and treating her lovingly. I get it that he’s broken up about our relationship and I’m not sure that erasing me from his past will be a good thing for them, I think she deserves to know the truth, and I’d love to meet her. But if I’m too painful for him to acknowledge, that shouldn’t stop him from seeking happiness with her.”

  Chapter 24

  “At least with him getting married we’ll have more time for us. He will be out of your hair for a while and you can relax.” Michael’s hands stroked circles around her nipple and he lowered his mouth. Her hips responded as he sucked, prodding with his tongue and making her wet again. Kelsey moaned and he lifted his head to smile. “I love driving you wild like that. I adore you, Kelsey. I’m really glad we’re going to have more time to focus on us. Do you think this thing with him is going to last? How old is she?”

  Kelsey shrugged, “She’s 24. Imagine that, 24 and already divorced and looking for a new man. He’s more than twice her age and apparently she’s beautiful, I mean, what 24 year old isn’t?”

  Michael frowned. “It’s not going to last and he’s going to be back up in your business with a new heartbreak. How strapped are you for cash? Can you afford to just let it end? I can help a little, but I can’t afford what he was spending.”

  Kelsey hadn’t accepted any money from Michael yet and was determined not to. She wanted it to feel like a normal relationship. He paid for everything when they were together, but she never asked for more. “I don’t want our thing to be like that. I really like you a lot.”

  Michael smiled. He really liked her a lot, too, but he still wanted to avoid having a serious relationship with anyone. He was terrified of his own feelings and while he didn’t want to hurt Kelsey, he also didn’t want to be hurt. He loved that she was so open with him about her situation with Charles. He’d looked up the St James family and was ready to go kick some ass if Charles ever hurt her. More than anything, he just wanted to continue enjoying his time with her, more if she was available, and not get too tangled up in anything that might break his heart. He’d had enough of that. “I like you a lot, too, Kelsey. A great big lot.” He wanted to say more but that was all he was brave enough for.

  ***

  Michael had a tragic backstory he was recovering from, too. He was a prodigious child. Always at the top of his class, he was well-behaved, and he often asked deep intellectual questions his teachers couldn’t answer. He devoured books and fell in love with physics and science. They appealed to his methodical brain.

  Kelsey had experimented with boys and started having sex well before she finished high school, but Michael had waited until he was in his second year of college before he slept with a girl for the first time. It wasn’t by choice, he was awkward and lacked the social skills to flirt. Ever the student, he devoured erotica and scholarly articles about sex. He married a girl he’d gone to college with after they both received their PhDs. Their marriage was completely lacking in passion. Neither of them held grudges toward one another, as far as Kelsey knew. They divorced amicably after 3 years. That was nearly 20 years ago and they’d spoken three or four times since then.

  Several years later, he’d ended up engaged again. Only this girl was another in the family of mean and non-loving girls. Janice was into rough sex, and she introduced Michael to the world of BDSM. Being the perpetual student that he was, he resolved to learn everything he could about the science and practice of mixing pleasure and pain.

  He learned about the Japanese practice of Shibari- decorative rope work that can also be used to restrain a lover in order to intensify her pleasure by limiting her body’s ability to engage in it. He learned how to use rope safely and effectively. He had amassed a collection of restraints and had a tendency to pick up random items at hardware stores and add them to his collection.

  As much as his relationship with her revolved around sex, there was just something missing. They fought terribly. There were so many stories that sounded like ridiculous tantrums in public places, but the biggest one that stood out in Kelsey’s mind was the time when he proposed to her and she accepted, then she decided she was going to start sleeping with other people.

  He was definitely not into that idea.

  Their breakup was so ugly that she simply disappeared from him one day, she wouldn’t even engage in a conversation with him. He was crushed and still trying to heal, afraid to get too close to anyone else, but missing the sex. That’s how he found Kelsey.

  Kelsey felt bad for him, he was clearly still in a lot of pain from this experience. She really appreciated how helpful he was when she shared some of her marital trauma with him. The conversations were healing for her. She hoped that he found hea
ling when he shared those stories with her. She knew the risk of bonding with him under these conditions, but she couldn’t help but feel honored during the rare moments when he opened up his heart to her.

  The weekends they were spending together felt amazing. Kelsey treasured her time with Michael because the sex was phenomenal and also because she felt loved and accepted with him. He didn’t have to say, “I love you” all the time because he showed it. She’d heard the words enough in her life to know they didn’t mean anything. Without the weight of a mythical future together, they were able to simply enjoy one another’s company. It’s what they both needed.

  Chapter 25

  Lana stomped through the kitchen of the farm house Charles had built adjacent to his winery in Woodinville, nervously folding placemats and cloth napkins and sliding the drawer shut with a bang. Charles would be home soon and he’d want to know why she hadn’t gone with him to the airport to pick up his brother.

  She was homesick and missed her family. In her sadness, she had purchased plane tickets to fly her mother out for a visit, so she could attend the wedding. Lana wasn’t sure if she should put her mother in a hotel or if she should invite her to stay in their home.

  She never felt quite at home here. Charles’ decorating style was different than hers. She preferred blacks, greys and whites with little splashes of color, but his walls were a vibrant orange, with royal blue and bright red furniture. It was tastefully executed, but it didn’t feel like home to her. In her mind, so much color was old-fashioned.

  Now he was on his way home and she was nervous about the idea of telling him what she’d done. It wasn’t like they couldn’t afford it. She still had a couple million dollars in the bank from her last divorce, and Charles was well enough off that the airfare wouldn’t have been a big financial burden. She couldn’t pinpoint why she was so afraid to tell him. But she needed to tell him today, since her mom would be arriving in just a few weeks.

  She wasn’t sure why he was in such a rush to be married. She liked him well enough, even though they had only been out a few times, and she’d moved into his house only a week after accepting his proposal. After her previous marriage, she’d spent a couple years alone before deciding that she’d call the matchmaker and start looking for someone new. She’d only been 18 when she moved to the US to marry a man she’d never met before. He was a banker and wanted her to start having children right away. She wasn’t sure she wanted children, but she knew that she didn’t want to do it before she turned 25. They divorced after just a few years and the settlement from the divorce was enough to allow her to live comfortably until she was able to marry again.

  She wanted to start a family now and was concerned that Charles would be too old to father children, but when he proposed she was touched by his kindness and generosity. She agreed to marry him, knowing that even if his age became an issue, she would be taken care of financially for a long time to come.

  But she hadn’t realized when she moved in with him that he’d be so difficult to live with. She looked past his table manners, chewing with his mouth open and snatching food from her plate. She looked past his secrecy and overall gristly moods. But she couldn’t look past what she’d discovered in his office.

  In his tax returns last year, he reported that he had gifted a woman over $60,000. He hadn’t mentioned having dated anyone since his divorce and she’d never heard the woman’s name before, except in passing. Adam and Cami once mentioned a friend named Kelsey, but no one mentioned that Charles had dated her. She looked the woman up on Facebook and didn’t learn much except that she was older, she had kids that didn’t look anything like Charles, and she had recently moved into a new house.

  If it was benign, why would he keep it a secret? Lana wondered if there was more to the story and was determined to find out, but first she had to tell him about her mother’s visit.

  Charles walked in just as she was finishing up the last of the dishes. “Hi, sweetie, I’m glad you’re home.”

  Charles greeted her with a kiss and a warm smile. He loved coming home to the smell of food. “When will dinner be ready?”

  Lana checked the oven timer. “Thirty minutes. Are you hungry now?”

  “I can wait, it smells good, though. Are you OK, it looks like something is on your mind.”

  Lana took a deep breath “My mother is coming to visit. She wanted to meet you before the wedding. She will be here next week and stay until the wedding. She’s leaving the next day and I wasn’t sure if she should stay here or at a hotel.”

  Charles’ eyes grew bigger. “This is big. This is exciting, I can’t wait to meet her. I was hoping to have more time alone with you between now and the wedding day, but this is OK. She can stay here, don’t you think?”

  Charles didn’t know how Lana and her mother related to one another but since they were going to be family it seemed silly to put her in a hotel in an unfamiliar city. “Is that all? Of course it’s OK.”

  Lana was relieved; the first half of the conversation had gone well so she felt empowered to ask the second question. “Who is Kelsey?”

  Charles’ face grew red hot with anger. “I don’t know any Kelsey, what the hell are you trying to say? Are you saying I’m cheating on you right before our wedding? Because I’m not going to put up with accusations like that.” He slammed his cup down onto the kitchen counter, cracking it, and stormed out of the room.

  Lana followed him upstairs, confused that he would deny even knowing a Kelsey and determined to figure out what was going on. “But Charles, a few weeks ago when we were at Adam’s house, he asked you how Kelsey was doing. You didn’t deny knowing her then. Why won’t you tell me? I don’t think I’m wrong to ask.”

  Charles knew she wasn’t wrong to ask, but he also wasn’t ready to talk about Kelsey just yet. “She’s just a girl I dated a few times, but she’s not a real part of my life and I don’t ever want to hear you speak her name again.”

  Lana was dumbfounded. If she wasn’t in his life, why couldn’t they talk about her? Why would he get so irrational and angry just at the mention of her name? Why was he packing an overnight bag? “Are you going somewhere?”

  Charles was still fuming. “I’m going to stay in the city house tonight. I’ll be back in the morning.” He stuffed a few T-shirts and a pair of hiking shoes into the bag.

  Lana stared at him, confused about why this conversation had turned so ugly. “Are you leaving because you’re upset with me for asking who she was?”

  Charles remained silent, zipped up his bag, and headed out the door.

  Lana stared after him, her mind spinning in response to his reaction.

  Chapter 26

  “Charles is flying me out, he says it’s an emergency.” Kelsey said into the phone as she threw together a change of clothes and a book to read on the plane.

  “I hope everything is OK. I’ll pick up the girls from school and bring them home. I’ll text you when we get there. You’re leaving the key under the mat?” Amanda asked.

  “Yep, thanks, Mandy.” And in less than two hours, Kelsey had landed in Seattle and was riding in a cab to Charles’ house. She hadn’t been to Seattle in months and the summer weather was perfect. She still didn’t know why she was here, but friends are there for one another and he said she needed to come quickly. He’d purchased the tickets before he even spoke with her, so it must have been important.

  Charles greeted her in the doorway and held her in a long embrace. It was clear that he had been crying and Kelsey was afraid that the engagement had been called off. “Are you OK, honey?” She pulled back from his hug to look him in the eyes while he answered.

  “She found out about us,” he sobbed, and Kelsey breathed a sigh of relief.

  “Does this mean that I get to meet her now?” she asked, unable to share in his feeling of tragedy over this realization.

  Charles was beside himself. “I’m afraid I handled it badly and didn’t really tell her that we were broken up.”


  Kelsey corrected him, “We’re friends. I will always be your friend.”

  That didn’t help matters; Charles recoiled. “Kelsey, you have shown me what love is. You stood by me in my loneliness and helped me find her. I will always love you until the day I die for that.”

  Kelsey nodded her head and agreed, “I will always love you, too, Charles. But you’re marrying her. There’s no reason she shouldn’t know the truth about us. If you don’t want to tell her, then I don’t mind doing it, but I think you’re better off, as a couple, without the lies.”

  Charles grew agitated. “It’s not lies, Kelsey. I have wanted to marry you since the day I met you. You shuffled me along toward this woman and now I’m going to end up married and she’s not nearly as smart or as interesting as you. She bought a television for the farm house and had cable TV hooked up at the house so she could watch E! Entertainment News. We have nothing in common, Kelsey. I don’t want to marry her.”

  Kelsey took a step backward and put her hands on her hips. “You don’t want to marry her? Then you need to break it off. Why did you propose if you don’t want to marry her? And why would you get so deeply involved with someone whose world view and values are so different than yours?”