Hunger (Some Say Love #1)

by Jane Smith

  Her therapist set the folder on the table between them and smiled at Kelsey. “I can’t tell you how nice it is to see that you’ve come full circle this way. I’m especially excited to see that you’re in a pattern of recovery, recognizing toxic ideas is a big step. The practice of improving our lives is never over, it’s never done with. No matter how much you evolve, there will always be one more thing you could do in order to be your best self. But it looks to me like you’re out of the darkness. I think you’ve worked through a lot of really big issues and I can’t even imagine how hard it’s been for you. You strike me as someone who tries not to complain, internalizing your troubles before you decide to fight them, and in the beginning of your treatment you went to great lengths to stick with the surface details of your struggle. I’ve watched you dig deeper and unearth some really powerful things that were holding you back and there’s a lightness about you today… an air of freedom and possibility that wasn’t there when I met you.”

  Kelsey blushed; she felt free and lighter these days, but attributed it to the lack of financial stress. In this context though, she realized that there was more to it than that. It was coming from inside of her. Her very soul felt lighter. She was happy. “So, I’m cured?” She smiled, hoping the therapist would be amused by her choice of words.

  “Yes, I’ve done it again!” the therapist teased, pumping her fist in the air in a touchdown-level display of enthusiasm. “But seriously, this wasn’t me, Kelsey. It was you. You’ve made it through a dark time in your life and I don’t want you going through life believing that there was anything wrong with you, you were reacting. You were doing whatever it took to survive during an adverse situation and you made it. Now comes the fun part where, instead of reacting, you get to decide what happens. It might mean that you need to survive the discomfort of whatever happy situations you’re creating, because they might feel unfamiliar and even scary. Making it through a dark time is commendable, but only if you allow yourself to embrace the light and benefit completely from the changes you’ve made. I’ve seen people seek out the darkness because they find it comforting. They’re used to struggling and rather than welcoming the peaceful life they’ve created, they seek out drama and conflict because dealing with it brings them a sense of power. It’s tempting, to get addicted to the feeling of overcoming something, I get that. I mean, you must be feeling great these days?” Kelsey nodded and she continued, “I just want to caution you to not look for conflict where there is none. That phase in your life is over and you now have the freedom to live in peace. I’d love to see you embracing that.”

  Kelsey wiped her eyes. She’d felt more free and empowered over the past couple months than she ever had in her life. She was expecting to come to therapy today to vent her fears that she’d never be mature enough to get into a relationship, that she wasn’t valuable as a human because she hadn’t finished college, or that the publisher she signed with wouldn’t be able to promote her book because it was awful. But in this conversation, she realized that she had been imagining drama; focusing on her fears rather than the success she’d reached. She’d worked through each of her old issues and built a better life. Why would she waste her time worrying about the future when the present was so delicious? “Thank you. Thank you so much. I guess we’re done here?”

  She nodded and gave Kelsey a warm hug as she walked out.

  Chapter 36

  Tears fell from Michael’s eyes onto the cutting board as he diced onions for dinner. He enjoyed cooking and wanted to make sure the entire dinner was ready so that he wouldn’t have to be in the kitchen while Kelsey was visiting.

  He’d had a lot of time to think about what happened between them and was looking forward to clearing the air. He’d missed her, and while he no longer regretted allowing her to touch his heart so deeply, he was looking forward to the day when they could be friends.

  Friends didn’t have the power to crush his soul the way a lover could.

  He wrapped bacon around asparagus shoots, trying not to remember how it felt to have her leg draped over his in the night.

  He filleted a pot roast with a spiral motion into one long sheet, spreading blue cheese and a pinch of horseradish on the surface of it before rolling it up and tying it with twine, trying not to remember her body writhing beneath his ropes.

  He made a reduction of red wine, shallots, and mushrooms, trying not to let the red wine remind him of the many nights they’d laid in bed discussing world affairs, sociology, and politics.

  Since Kelsey left, he had resolved to himself that relationships just weren’t his thing. He hadn’t cheated on her, but he also hadn’t predicted that she’d react that way to something so benign as receiving a text from another female.

  He wavered back and forth between shock over her reaction, sadness that she was suffering, and guilt that he’d been the cause of her pain. Tonight would set the record straight.

  He hadn’t decided if he’d give her the truth about Angela yet. Angela was a red herring. The real problem, Michael decided, was that he wasn’t the kind of guy who could maintain a long-term healthy relationship and Kelsey deserved that.

  He was excited to hear how she had been doing. He wanted to know how far she’d gotten on her novel. He wanted to hear the latest insanity from Charles’ life and he wanted to hear about Sarabeth’s health.

  Mostly, though, he just wanted to see her face and breathe in her scent. He’d mentally prepared for seeing her again and believed that they’d both benefit most from a long-term friendship, since he obviously didn’t have the social skills to maintain a healthy romantic relationship. If he kept her in the friend zone, he’d never lose her again.

  Chapter 37

  Kelsey cranked up the music and headed toward Portland, prepared for anything. She didn’t know if Michael was planning to take her out for dinner or if they’d be staying in.

  She didn’t know if they’d get back together or if they’d be breaking up for good. She was excited to see him, though.

  She wanted to hear how his project at work turned out, how his father’s health was, and if the heating repairman had finally finished replacing his furnace. Most of all, she just wanted to see his face and smell him again.

  She pulled into a gas station in Hood River to fill her tank and use the bathroom when a pregnant woman approached her. “You’re Kelsey?”

  Kelsey nodded, confused. The woman looked familiar but she didn’t know why.

  “I’m Lana. Charles’ wife.” Her hands were shaking, but she was otherwise radiant and beautiful.

  Kelsey opened her arms and pulled her into a familiar hug. “Oh my goodness, I am so glad to finally meet you. You look amazing. What are you doing out here? How are you feeling? Are things… happy?”

  Lana nodded her head. “It was hard in the beginning, but honestly I just wanted to thank you. I don’t know what you said to him, but he’s been a different man. I have to admit, I was really jealous of your friendship in the beginning, because he wouldn’t be straight with me about the details. But we’ve been going to counseling and I think he’s really trying to make this marriage work. He even quit drinking.”

  Kelsey’s jaw almost hit the floor, she was completely shocked. “Wow, that’s amazing. I would not have guessed. So you two are happy?”

  Lana nodded her head. “Mostly, yes. We still have a long way to go, but things are a hundred times better now than they were a few months ago. I know he came to see you after the wedding. I hacked into his phone and read the conversations you were having over text. That’s the only way I knew that you weren’t a threat.”

  Lana looked down, obviously ashamed that she had read his text messages. “I had it stuck in my head that he was cheating on me with you and I couldn’t figure out why he married me when he had you. When I realized how horrible he was being toward you, I wanted out of the relationship, but it was too late. I didn’t know how to deal with him and I think I learned by reading your messages.”

&nb
sp; Lana looked down again, sheepishly. “He wasn’t happy when he found out about the baby. I knew he was going to see you when he left and I was prepared for him to come home and tell me he wanted a divorce. But instead, when he came home, he apologized for being awful to me and to my mother and we started talking about what kind of future we wanted. I always go for men with money because I grew up so poor. We were starving, we wore rags, and had a dirt floor. Our home was very unhappy and I always thought that happiness was inevitable as long as I wasn’t broke. But that’s not true. Even people with money have to work to maintain happy relationships.”

  Kelsey smiled and nodded her head and checked the time on her phone. “I can’t even tell you how happy I am to hear that he’s working with you to create a happy life. I think he’s got some really good qualities and you must be an amazing woman to be willing to put in the effort it must take to build a life with him.”

  Lana was taken aback. “I’m not an amazing woman, not by a long shot. I’m lucky, and most of that is because of you. I was ready to leave him and take my divorce settlement when I found out I was pregnant. There was no way I’d want to raise a child with the old Charles. I saw what it did to Donna and my own father was just as awful as Charles was; I didn’t want to turn into my mother. But when he came back that night, he was different. More gentle. I don’t know what you said, but I couldn’t drive away from here without thanking you.”

  Kelsey smiled. “You’re welcome. And I’m sorry if I was the source of any stress or heartache. Charles got me out of a financial bind and I will always think of him as a friend.”

  Lana smiled back, “I hope you’ll think of me as a friend, too. You’ve gotten both of us out of a bind and we’re both very grateful for that. I think you forced both of us to grow up a little bit, I naively thought it was his job to make me happy and he …well, I can’t speak for him or what he was thinking, but he seems to be on a better track now. So thank you.”

  Kelsey hugged Lana again. “I would be honored to be considered a friend of your family. Please stay in touch, I’d love to knit a hat for the baby. I’m so happy for you. Congratulations, Lana. And thank you so much for reaching out to talk to me today. That was big and I really appreciate it.”

  Kelsey watched as Lana drove away. Her anxiety about the evening with Michael was still overwhelming, but right now she was at peace knowing that Charles and Lana were closer to a happy ending.

  Chapter 38

  Kelsey took a deep breath as she knocked on Michael’s door. The aroma of someone’s dinner filled the hallway of the building and she regretted not dragging Lana into the mini mart at the gas station while they chatted. She hadn’t eaten since before her therapy appointment and felt a little silly neglecting such an important element of self-care.

  Michael opened the door and her heart sunk. His face was determined, almost gritty. She was afraid that their dinner would be more friendly than romantic. Instead of greeting her with a passionate kiss and telling her how much he’d missed her, he stood back so she could walk in, right past him.

  Kelsey set her purse down on the coffee table instead of on the night stand. Like you do at a friend’s house, not a lover’s.

  Michael was already back in the kitchen, plating scalloped potatoes and slicing rounds of roast onto plates. There were no candles on the table, and no wine.

  Kelsey was looking forward to catching up with him. She still felt brave about facing a future without his body, but it was getting increasingly difficult. “So, how have you been?”

  Michael ladled the wine and mushroom reduction over each plate and answered. “It’s been hard, I’ll be honest. But I think I’m getting better now. How about you?”

  Kelsey regretted having asked a question she wasn’t prepared to answer herself. “I have learned a lot and I finished my novel and apparently also saved Charles’ marriage. So I think I’ve been OK. I have missed you, though.”

  Michael winced. He didn’t want to talk about missing her. He’d been drowning in ‘missing her’ and felt that he’d finally made it to the shore. The last thing he needed was for her to throw him back in without a life preserver again. He turned back to the oven, removing a tray of bacon-wrapped asparagus to serve.

  Kelsey followed behind him, getting silverware to put on the table and watching his hands move as he scattered sun-dried tomatoes on top of the kale salad. He doesn’t even miss me. Wait, stop. You don’t know that. You spoke your truth, his silence isn’t necessarily disagreement. “I’m sorry, maybe that was too much. I don’t know how to navigate a situation like this and I know that I’ve made some mistakes, but I’m trying really hard to enjoy reality and right now the most pressing reality is this amazing dinner. You have really outdone yourself. Thank you so much, this is probably the most delicious meal I’ve seen in months.” Shit, please don’t interpret the word months as a reference to the last time I saw you.

  Michael smiled. “It does look amazing, doesn’t it. I got the recipe for the roast and the scalloped potatoes online. I haven’t eaten since breakfast and I’m starving. Are you ready?”

  Kelsey nodded her head and they both carried their plates to the table.

  Michael picked up his phone and began tapping the screen. He looked at Kelsey and explained, “I’m putting music on.” as the air filled with the entire Miles Davis orchestra.

  Kelsey laughed. “It’s OK. I’m not the texting police anymore. I really, really reacted badly to all of that. We can talk about it now if you’re open to that conversation. Or not. I mean, what’s done is done. I think I just wasn’t mature enough to have an adult conversation that could lead to my own heartbreak. Whatever it was that you were texting about isn’t really relevant. I freaked out because I was afraid and I caused the very thing I was afraid of. It was stupid and I felt so many crazy things in that moment, I guess there’s no legitimate reason for behaving like that, so I can’t explain it. All I can promise you is that I’ve learned from the experience and I’m very sorry. Wherever this goes…” She waver her hands between the two of them, “I can only say that I’ve learned a lot and I’m grateful.”

  Michael chewed a particularly fibrous piece of asparagus as he thought about her words.

  Kelsey closed her eyes to focus on a bite of the scalloped potatoes, which were heavenly.

  Michael watched her across the table and smiled. “I have learned a lot from this experience, too. I have to say that the way you left crushed me. It’s difficult to imagine allowing myself to be in a position that could cause that much pain again.”

  Kelsey looked down at the napkin on her lap and nodded her head. She understood, all too well, what that feeling was like.

  Michael continued. “Lovers should be friends, above all else. And I can’t imagine not having you as a friend in my life. Losing you as a lover hurts, but losing you as a friend hurts even more.”

  You haven’t lost me as anything, please don’t act like we’re over. We can’t be over. Kelsey’s bottom lip trembled as she tried to compose herself.

  Michael took a sip of his water before he continued. “No one in my life has ever affected me the way you do, Kelsey. The past couple months without you have given me time to search my soul and everywhere I look, I see you.” His voice shook on the last phrase and he caught his breath before continuing. “I don’t want a life that you’re not in. And I don’t want to ever feel as awful as I did knowing that I’d hurt you.”

  Kelsey interrupted him, “You didn’t hurt me, Michael. I did it to myself.”

  Michael looked across the table at her with a burning intensity. “Kelsey, you were a different person when you left here that day. You were hurting.”

  Kelsey nodded her head. “I was hurting, but it was my own fault.”

  Michael shook his head, “I could have prevented it. I could have told you about my niece. You talk about not having relationship skills and I’m guilty of the same thing. Neither of us has any business being as in love as we are. Were. Are.
Either way, we’re not very good at this.” He looked at her for confirmation.

  Kelsey nodded. “Are. I’m still very much in love with you, Michael, in case you wondered. And thank you for telling me that it was your niece, because part of me still wondered. I haven’t got this love thing figured out either, and I can’t guarantee I’m not going to flip out about something stupid in the future. But I can guarantee that I’ve learned that specific lesson, and that my future mistakes will be a little less…. stupid. I hope you’re around to laugh at me for them.”

  Michael laughed, “Well, in that case, I can guarantee that I won’t let months pass by before opening myself up to resolution. I’m sorry it’s been so long.”

  Kelsey shook her head, “We both had a lot to sort out. I honestly couldn’t have done this sooner.”

  Michael looked across at Kelsey again. “Before you came tonight, I was convinced that we’d only ever be friends. I willed myself to box up the sexual feelings in order to keep you in my life, but I don’t think I can do that now.” He set his glass down and shushed himself by stuffing another bite of roast into his mouth.