Hunger (Some Say Love #1)

by Jane Smith

  Kelsey looked at him suspiciously.

  Charles was very annoyed. “Why do you always assume that I’m wrong? You haven’t even heard the story yet, and you instantly assume that I’m wrong. Why do you do that?”

  Kelsey wasn’t about to let this conversation turn into an attack on her, so she ignored the question. “What happened after Lana went to bed?”

  Charles’ eyes lit up. “This is where she goes berserk. I’m down in the kitchen making breakfast, just minding my own business, and she flies down the stairs in an angry rage, yelling at me for nothing. My head was spinning, I had no idea what she was so upset about, just yelling like a crazy person, half in English and half in Russian. I mean, who does that? Just storms out of bed yelling at their soon-to-be-husband who stayed up past midnight to pick up her mother? What kind of person does that?”

  Charles looked to Kelsey for validation, but Kelsey only had questions. “What was she saying when she yelled in English?”

  Charles waved his hands in the air. “Nothing really important, nothing to be angry about. She said I was making noise in the kitchen. I was, I mean I was making breakfast. The pans are metal and I had the music on and there might have been noise, but she didn’t have to come down screaming at me.”

  Kelsey nodded her head. “Yes, she could have just asked you to be quieter, since she was sleeping. That’s true. But, so what? You apologized for being noisy and let her get some sleep, right?”

  Charles looked down at his wine glass and chugged the rest like a frat boy at a keg party. “Not exactly. I was still angry from the night before. I mean, she’s had her whole life with her mom, how could she not come to bed with me? Her mom was staying for two weeks, did she really have to spend the entire first night hanging out in the guest room, leaving me all alone in bed all night long.”

  Charles was pleading with Kelsey for understanding and Kelsey had none.

  Kelsey stood up to pour herself the last of the bottle of wine. The sun was beginning to go down and the smell of the roast in the crock pot was drifting outside. The last thing she wanted to do was sit out here listening to Charles rationalize how horribly he treated this young girl.

  Kelsey wasn’t stupid enough to think this girl married him for love, but she was only 24, for Christ’s sake. She was a baby. And he was being a major asshole. “I think you should go, Charles. I have to feed my kids their dinner. Amanda is here to help me celebrate the completion of my novel. We had plans and I wasn’t expecting you. It’s been lovely. I don’t know what you want from me, but I can guarantee that you’re not going to get it. You rushed into a marriage because you don’t have the patience to build a relationship. You’re treating her like shit, and maybe it’s a good thing you never introduced me to her, because if she were my friend, I’d tell her to get far away from you. You will never have a happy relationship if you don’t grow up and start considering other people’s feelings instead of looking for ways that they’ve wronged you.”

  Kelsey turned on her heel and shut the patio door behind her when she went inside, hoping Charles would seize the opportunity to reflect on her wisdom, but knowing without a doubt that nothing would change him.

  Kelsey greeted Amanda with wide eyes. “Are we alcoholics if we open a second bottle of wine? I mean, it’s after 5pm. And technically, three of us have been drinking it. And I’m pretty sure that a lot of successful novelists are also alcoholics.”

  Amanda shook her head. “No, not alcoholics at all. Crack it open, sister.”

  Kelsey was already opening the bottle. “I just told him he needs to go home. Let’s see what happens next.”

  On cue, Charles opened the patio door, came inside, and placed his glass in the kitchen sink. He turned to Amanda. “It was great to meet you, Amanda. Thanks for the talk.” He turned to Kelsey next. “Walk me to my car?”

  Kelsey really didn’t want to be alone with him again. More than anything though, she wanted him to leave. So she led the way out the front door. Once the door was closed behind them, Charles began to speak again. “I didn’t even get a chance to tell you why I drove all the way out here. Don’t you even want to know?”

  Kelsey didn’t even want to know. But she played along. “What is it, Charles?”

  “We’re having a baby.” Charles was close to tears when he said it and looked to Kelsey, awaiting her response.

  “She’s pregnant? Already? Wow. Well, congratulations. Now you really need to work on those relationship skills. Get some counseling, Charles. A real, professional counselor who can sit down with both of you. You owe it to the kid.”

  Charles slammed his car door shut only seconds after opening it. “Is that really all you have to say? You think I want this baby?” He looked at her as if she had grown an extra head. “We can’t have a baby until our relationship is secure. She’s just trying to milk me for more money. How can you not see that?”

  Kelsey rolled her eyes. “You will do anything to avoid happiness, won’t you? You are a newlywed. Go build the life you want. You’re having a baby, stop assuming that your wife is a gold digger. If you really thought that, then you shouldn’t have married her. You wanted a wife. You’ve got a wife. Enjoy married life. Embrace this pregnancy, otherwise you’re fucking up the life of an innocent child. Honestly, you don’t make any sense. I don’t understand how you can be so cold and claim that all you want is love. Do you see the disconnect here?”

  Charles was furious. “Yeah, she’s just like you. Enjoy your fucking house, Kelsey.”

  Chapter 34

  After Charles left, Kelsey and Amanda finally had a chance to sit down and talk.

  Amanda waited for Charles’ headlights to pass across the living room window before she spoke. “So… where do we start? Did you call him? Did Charles say anything important?”

  Kelsey didn’t know which question to answer first. She started with the one she least wanted to discuss. “Charles was here to complain about his pregnant wife. Yes, I called Michael.”

  Amanda nearly choked on her wine, “His. Pregnant. Wife.” She shook her head for a minute and repeated. “Pregnant.” Pausing a moment to ask, “What’s he complaining about?”

  Kelsey raised her eyebrows and shook her head. “He says she’s crazy. And not because she married an old man she hardly knew, he says it’s because she’s always mad at him. Imagine that. And, yes, I called Michael.”

  Amanda reached across to hold Kelsey’s hand. “Believe me, I want to hear all about that call, but first I want to savor Charles’ misery for a minute. I mean, what was he thinking even getting married in his state of mind? Are you sure he’s not actually mentally challenged? Or is narcissism really that unbearable to be around? Does he really have no clue why she’s angry? And how did he not even know you were writing a novel?”

  Kelsey shrugged her shoulders. “He doesn’t ask much about me. And he doesn’t remember the things I do tell him. I can’t relate to any of his stories, so I never have any of my own to offer up in conversation. Except when he talks about travel, but not because I’ve traveled, just because I worked for that travel website for so long. He’s definitely a narcissist. I once listened to him say 24 consecutive sentences that all started with the word “I” or “My.”

  Amanda chuckled a little. “You counted? That’s hilarious. Are you sure you’re not mentally challenged?” Then she shook her head. “I guess people with that much money have nothing else to stress about so they invent things. Nobody can afford to live without love, though.”

  Kelsey and Amanda sat in silence for a minute, reflecting on the contrast they’d seen between financial wealth and a rich love life.

  Amanda broke the silence. “OK, now tell me what happened with Michael?”

  Kelsey bounced in her seat. “It was so weird. He answered before the first ring ended but he didn’t say anything right away. It took him a few seconds to say “hello”, but I had my speech planned out and he accepted my apology.”

  Amanda swallowed
her drink and asked, “What was your speech?”

  Kelsey had been hoping she’d ask that question, since she was pretty proud of herself for coming up with it. “I said, ‘Hi, Michael, I want to apologize for the way I behaved last time we saw each other. I had no business treating you that way, it was immature and I’m sorry. I think the main problem was that I found myself having more feelings for you than I was comfortable with and it was easier to let you go at the first perceived obstacle than it was to have a mature conversation. I had a really hard time relaxing with the idea that we were actually happy together. I’m kind of new to happiness with a man, and I’m ashamed to say that I don’t know how to actually be in a relationship that isn’t a mess. Yet. It looked like that’s what we were headed for and I think I was terrified. I’m deeply and truly sorry if I caused you any pain. It was not my intention and I will always regret walking out that way.”

  Kelsey looked to Amanda for feedback.

  Amanda wiped a tear from her eye. “Kels, that was perfect. What did he say?”

  Kelsey looked down. “He sounded a little choked up, but he said, “Thank you. I’m in a taxi with clients right now, thank you for your call. I’ll call you back.”

  Amanda was shocked. “Did he call back yet?”

  Kelsey shook her head. “No, but he texted me. He said he’s with clients all day and that he really appreciated my call. He said that he’d like to talk in person rather than over the phone and he invited me to dinner tomorrow night. I already said yes, so I hope you can babysit. I’ll leave right after my counseling appointment if you can pick up the girls from school.”

  Amanda nodded her head. “Yes, of course. Of course. OK. Under one condition; you have to text me right after dinner and tell me if you’re back together or not. Just a yes or a no, OK? Otherwise I’m going to die of suspense. You don’t want your kids seeing that.”

  Kelsey agreed and the rest of their evening was spent gossiping, talking about rearranging the furniture, and imagining all of the stupid fights Charles and Lana would be engaging in over the next few months.

  Chapter 35

  Kelsey sat in her therapist’s office for the last time. “It’s been months since I’ve woken up with nightmares. I’ve finished writing my novel and my kids are doing well in school. I think I’m OK now.”

  Her therapist flipped through pages in a file folder. “I want to take you back to some of the concerns you had at our first visit and we can follow up on a point-by-point basis, to see how far you’ve come during this round of sessions. Afterward, if it looks like you’re still having issues, we can petition your insurance company to extend the treatment. Otherwise we’ll be done here. How does that sound?”

  Kelsey nodded her head. “Bring it on, doc.” The doc didn’t need to know that her insurance was going to be canceled at the end of the term since she’d quit working.

  At the very bottom of the file were the notes from her first visit. The therapist skimmed through the notes and began to read. “It says here that you recognized that you played a prominent role in providing for your family during your marriage, but you were concerned about how you’d manage financially after the divorce. You had changed careers and weren’t happy with the new pay scale. Is that accurate, and how has that issue been working out over the past six months?”

  Kelsey took a deep breath. “Those are notes, not my words, right?” The therapist nodded. “I don’t know if I’ve ever consciously connected that I was the breadwinner and then worried about money. So I had the power all along? I’m much better off now than I was back then. I was gifted a house and a car. I switched back to self-employment and I just got word that my first novel was accepted by a publisher. I’m writing the second one right now. I don’t actually have financial concerns anymore, I’m pretty well taken care of. I think that one was a win in my column.”

  Her therapist corrected her. “It’s not about winning or losing, Kelsey. It’s about dealing with reality and seeing that a lot can change over six months. You came to me in a time of transition. Some people are empowered by change and others are crushed by it. The purpose of this exercise is for you to reflect on how your thoughts and feelings have changed and use that knowledge to make conscious decisions in the future.”

  Kelsey nodded. “Thank you. That makes sense. What’s next?”

  “Ok, next it says that during your marriage, you often felt that your kids were being treated unfairly by your ex. One thing you hoped for with the divorce was that you’d be able to create a peaceful home where they could feel safe. How’s that going? Have you noticed positive changes in your children’s state of mind? Is the home you’ve been building peaceful?”

  Kelsey nodded her head. “Yes, it’s a very peaceful home. The kids have been great. At first they were nervous about sleeping alone, and then we moved into a bigger house and they were back in my bed again, but that didn’t last long. They’re in their own rooms now and, come to think of it, they hardly ever fight with one another now. It hadn’t occurred to me until you mentioned it, but I wonder if they’re getting along so well because the rest of their lives is peaceful.” Kelsey drew a deep breath and felt the weight of her old concerns drifting away on herexhale.

  Her therapist smiled and continued. “The next note I have here says that you were upset about having been alienated, you felt that there was a disconnect between your family and friends, and that during your marriage your social contacts had been limited. Let’s talk about what steps you’ve taken to rebuild your social life and reconnect with your family.”

  Kelsey looked down. “I haven’t gone out of my way to reconnect with my family yet, but it does make sense that I should do that. My dad’s birthday is coming up, so I could call him. But I do have friends now, my best friend Amanda is over at my house all the time helping me with my kids and I’ve even started dating a little. I remember how lonely life was when I was married. Nobody could really know me deeply because I had to put on a show and pretend I was a happy wife. But now I have people who get the whole, real, raw me. It feels good. I don’t need a ton of people around me, I think I’m a bit of an introvert. But it’s nice to feel relaxed when the kids want to invite a friend over or I have to meet their friend’s parents. It’s nice to not be nervous about having visitors at home. It’s nice being able to chat with people at the grocery store and not fear that I’ll get in trouble for being gone too long.”

  The therapist nodded and smiled. “It sounds like you’re doing great so far. I’m happy to hear that. It also says here that you suffered from nightmares for a while, let’s talk about that a little bit.”

  Kelsey’s smile was serene and contemplative as she realized that she hadn’t had a nightmare for several weeks. “Occasionally I still have nightmares, but they don’t happen every night anymore. I’m not afraid to go to sleep and I can always get back to sleep afterward. I’m sleeping well, I feel safe and content. The kids aren’t having nightmares, either. I really think I’m OK.”

  Her therapist closed the folder and looked across the room at Kelsey, slowly tapping her pen on the folder before speaking. “When I first met you, you were convinced that something must be wrong with you for having put up with the living conditions you were exposed to during your marriage. I interpreted your mindset as one that wanted to cure what was wrong with you, rather than one that acknowledged how very strong and brave it was to step outside of that relationship and seek happiness in spite of what you had been through. I don’t remember the exact words that you used, but I had the impression that you wanted to ‘fix yourself’ so that you could make sure you didn’t end up in a relationship like that again. Let’s talk a little bit about that. What’s the difference between Kelsey today and Kelsey six months ago?”

  Kelsey exhaled deeply, realizing that this was the question she’d been waiting for. She could barely even remember Kelsey from six months ago, but the therapist’s words sparked a reminder of what it felt like to believe she was flawed and in ne
ed of fixing. “I didn’t realize six months ago that the hard part was already over; that I’d learned my lesson. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to spot another disastrous relationship, or that I was doomed to misery just because I didn’t know any other way of being in a relationship. I was afraid that I didn’t have the communication skills or emotional maturity to maintain a healthy connection with someone. And I was right, a little bit, but I was mostly wrong. I’m learning what it’s like to live in peace, I’m surrounding myself with people who respect me, who love me, and who want the best for me. I’m braver than I ever thought I’d be about calling out injustice and breaking free from people who aren’t able to exist peacefully. I think I’ve strengthened myself from the inside out, so maybe I don’t need to build a wall around myself. Every now and then I discover a new toxic idea in my head, but since I’m not living in turmoil all the time, it stands out against the rest of my thoughts and I can work on it and release it. I’m really proud of how far I’ve come and I’m no longer worried that I’m going to be doomed to another relationship like the one I had with Brian.”